<p>Anorexia, drug abuse, shop lifting, cutting, anxiety disorders..... and these aren't kids of abusive or neglectful parents, these are kids of loving, high achieving parents who think that if Jonny or Susie just "focused" a little more, the Harvard decal would be sitting pretty on the back of the volvo come next April.</p>
<p>Double-- I don't buy it. There are thousands of kids who are busy with self-destructive habits as we speak thanks to mom and dad's "pushing/encouraging". Some kids roll with the punches; some kids absorb lots of self-loathing along with the Ben Franklin message that if they just got up earlier and pushed a little harder they'd be successful. I would not tell a stranger on an internet chat room to go push their kid harder. I tell my brother that all the time-- my nephew is a lovable, engaging slacker and in no danger of any major psychiatric breaks as far as we can all tell. But tell the OP to go push harder? Not without more facts in evidence, I'm afraid. Last spring we had all the parents posting about the suicides in their town of HS kids and asking all of us to get a grip on the college mania. Good time to post again as the newbies are logging on.</p>
<p>A 2 year stint at a Community College, a little maturity along with a job, and kids who don't want to be bothered with the application process when the are in HS are often eager to apply as a Junior. Sometimes, it takes time........
And when the kid graduates from the U, his diploma still says U. It doesn't say....transferred to U after 2 years at a community college. I am not necessarily advocating this for all kids, but maybe some kids are just not ready and will do a whole lot better after 2 years.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your wise responses. My S is now away for 5 weeks, giving all of us what I think is a welcome respite from tests, school, and the looming college process. Of course, the correct answer is to shut up and let him take charge of the process, but, as all of you veterans know, it is SO HARD, especially since his first choice at this point is really well within his reach if he makes sure he has his head well screwed into the rest of his body. We honestly have no interest in pressuring him-- just in trying to make sure that he does what we know he is certainly capable of. Many others have pointed out how adept he is at torturing me and what a hopelessly easy target I am, but he is SO skillful that it is very difficult not to be affected. Let's just say that I am really not looking forward to senior year. Sadly, my experience has been that often times when he is left to his own devices to make his own mistakes, rather than learning from them, he turns around and makes the same error again, often externalizing the blame (i.e., "that teacher is an idiot", etc.) Who said being a mother is easy??</p>
<p>Blossom, the topic of the thread is about getting a student motivated to do the grunge work required in getting test scores, filling out paperwork, visiting schools/websites, asking the questions, investigating, etc.</p>
<p>I don't think you and I are on the same page as to what we're talking about. I think you are referring to pushing kids to do better, achieve higher, go further, get better grades, scores, awards, etc. I'm not talking about that. I'm just relating to the nagging us moms have to do with sons (at least in my experience- I have two) to get everything done and in on time so they can go to college. Which they do want to do, it's just that sometimes everyday life gets in the way (for them that is) and they need a little reminding about what's around the corner.</p>
<p>You, too, will survive your son's senior year. Deadlines for west coast online applications- midnight their time, not ours... It's tough, good luck.</p>
<p>
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Deadlines for west coast online applications- midnight their time, not ours...
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LOL!! Brilliant comment.... and I guarantee this knowledge will come in handy for more than one family here come application submission deadlines next spring! :)</p>
<p>Lots of good advice and insights here. I particularly appreciated Shoebox10...to the point I may print it and put it somewhere (like the bathroom mirror) my H and I can read it, accidently, all of S's senior year!</p>
<p>True to form from the minute he was born my #1 son did not particularly drive me crazy in the early college looking/organizing to apply process- he simply took things at his own painfully measured, happy to be completely happy with anything, pace. I knew, since I had been his mother for a long time and since I am not him, it could drive me BATTY to look at colleges and to generally go through this process with him. He was going to think everything was 'fine', he wasn't going to care about much of anything and he was not going to be thinking critically enough for me to be happy with his 'interest level.' So, since he is so easy going I offered him a series of questions to answer after every college visit. My need to have him probe a wee bit was met, his need to basically take it easy was met. He knew the answers to the questions, he just didn't particularly think it mattered until I told him it mattered to me. </p>
<p>This was the approach throughout the process- don't try to change him, just try to keep the process workable. No conflict, no confrontation- just figure out what I needed, and what he would do that would meet that need... The final decisions- where to apply and where to choose, were left to him. </p>
<p>This has worked fine forever. This boy slept through the night his first night home from the hospital and there is no way I was going to get him to be a Type A in order to apply to college. Don't personalize, optimize through compromise!!</p>
<p>Anitaw, you are very lucky that your S is so easy going-- mine has a combination of lack of attention to detail, professed nonchalance (which doesn't entirely fool me), and passionate independence-- a perspective from which any input from me (and to a somewhat lesser extent, my H) is taken as interference and evidence of my "neurosis". He likes to preserve a cool front, but I think in fact, he cares very much where he goes.</p>
<p>Shoebox's oberservations are especially perceptive, as I know he is much more terrifed than he ever lets on. I do think, however, that watching me squirm has become a kind of hobby for him and I struggle not to react. He oftens complains loudly about things and then ultimately does what has to be done, albeit not as carefully as I would like and almost always at the 11th hour.</p>
<p>Momrath-- do you mean to suggest that there are TWO of them?? A fightening possibility for sure! Actually, my son has a number of rather unusual characteristics: a proclivity for playing his accordion and practicing juggling skills when he really should be studying, for instance. Still sound like yours?</p>
<p>I feel for you!
Our son is the clone of yours.....now a junior in college.
The only thing I could change was my reaction to his procrastination. I've been somewhat successful. Now he casually throws me a bone now and then. As in "Yeah, made Dean's list again this semester". </p>
<p>HE did voice his disappointment that he had submitted his application to our home school district TOO LATE to get all the many approvals, fingerprinting, etc completed in time to earn some good $$$ substitute teaching this May.</p>
<p>But mostly, since his results have been very good, he sees no reason to questions his 'live by the seat of his pants, there's still plenty of time" theory of life.</p>
<p>I generally don't care if son wants to fly by the seat of his pants. But where the pedal hits the metal is when it hits my pocketbook. Which means that stuff like scholarship deadlines, getting paperwork in on time so there aren't any 'penalties', taking that SAT one more time so he can get a score high enough to qualify for merit money- I refuse to sit back and take the lumps in those kind of situations. If I have to kick him in the pants, I'm going to.</p>
<p>I think in our house the fly by the seat of the pants philosophy causes me angst just because this is so not how I function in the world. I really have to bite my tongue and remind myself that our styles are very very different. But it is still often frustrating that he fails to realize that not allowing himself ample time can result in a less than spectacular result and lots of last minute panic on his part. This recently happened when a huge science project was due the next day and our printer ran out of ink, causing massive desperation and emergency trips to Staples... Sadly, I wish I could say that he at least developed some insight as a result, but alas, there has been no evidence of this. I recently read that the frontal lobe development in boys (instrumental in delaying gratification, understanding cause and effect) is often not complete until age 25. We have a long way to go...</p>
<p>momosochki,
That science project story reminds me of life in my house when oldest was still at home! It used to drive me insane, because it wasn't just HIS routine that was upset, it was MINE too! I like an organized, sane, easygoing life. I can remember son realizing something he needed and having to go up to the 24hr Walmart in the middle of the night. Try as I might, I could not keep from getting myselt in an uproar and not being able to get back to sleep for the rest of the night.</p>
<p>People used to say, "what are you/what is he going to do in college? are you going to be uptight about what he's doing all the time?" And my reply was always, "Not at all, because I WON'T SEE IT GOING ON." And so far, that's been the truth. He's done fine, although I'm sure he's had many emergencies. But I don't know about them, and what I don't know doesn't hurt me. :)</p>
<p>Double- agreed!
Our son has learned that we are no longer the conductor of his life's symphony. He can choose his own path with the consequences.
That does NOT include us compensating him for his lapses.
He missed deadlines to qualify for some summer teaching money. We won't hand over some 'allowance' for next semester. He'll work some other (much less desirable and lucrative) job to replace those bucks.</p>
<p>In the college app process, he selected some very expensive schools and some in state publics. Not much in between. He did not qualify for enough merit aid to his top choice and did not attend. </p>
<p>I see your point. If our sons (it IS always our sons) would do the simple things like meet deadlines, file paperwork, they would have many more options. The gene to comprehend that is apparently on the second 'X' chromosome. :)</p>
<p>I think boys this age can be very disorganized and easily intimidated by the whole process of applying for colleges (not to mention the angst of having to allow strangers to judge one as "worthy" or "unworthy" of acceptance!) If it were me, I would wait until my son got home, and then would arrange a meeting to discuss the college process - as in, "I am offering you my administrative assistance in dealing with the paperwork of applying." If he can see the two of you as allies, working together towards a common goal, that would help! Applying for colleges can be a pain-in-the-youknowwhat, and it is hard for kids to handle it on top of school work and AP tests and SAT tests and ECs and work and social events. Even the most on-top-of-things kids can have trouble juggling the paperwork demands of ordering transcripts, sending recs, applying for financial aid and applying for scholarships. I served as admin assist. for both my kids, and they were glad of the help. My DS has said many times that he doesn't know how kids who don't have help manage. I hope your son can accept your aid, and work with you to maximize his college options. (That's what I told my son when I encouraged him to apply for a few more colleges; we wanted him to have lots of options to consider in May.)</p>