<p>I was biting my tongue and hands off until D ("don't worry...I got this") missed the scholarship deadline for the school she wanted to attend. I was and continue to be furious.</p>
<p>sax,
THANK YOU.
That's what I'm trying to say, I don't think I'm making a very clear point. The natural consequences route works great, as long as the consequences fall on the kid and not the parents. Unfortunately, not filling out applications, or looking into scholarships and following through, affects us parents, not necessarily our kids.</p>
<p>Sax, some mules just have to be hit in the head with bigger sticks. She'll survive.</p>
<p>Doubleplay, not necessarily. I've already told John that if he loses his scholarship, he is responsible for coming up with the balance -- and I meant it. He's not a baby, and if he has to take every other semester off school to work to pay for college, that's fine with me. I'm done raising him -- he needs to learn to fly.</p>
<p>
[quote]
...he forgot, yes forgot, to give an extra credit oral presentation that he had been working on for weeks. It was first period. It was on one of his favorite subjects. He practiced it at home before he left. He forgot to mention it in class.
[/quote]
Sounds like my son. He's 10. I imagine in high school he will be like Peggy's son, watching Fairly Oddparents reruns while attempting to complete applications. Around here, we've learned to scan just about every important paper as a "sloppy copy" before he begins writing and failing to read the directions. I do not look forward to the college preparation process.</p>
<p>My kids also know if they lose the merit $$$ they pay the difference but this kid missed the initial deadline so who knows how much she left on the table. This one drives me to the EDGE!</p>
<p>Wasdad...I'll need a redwood.
doubleplay: you're welcome :)</p>
<p>I'm not to that point yet where I'll withhold financial support because my son lost an opportunity. That doesn't mean there wouldn't be lots of gnashing of teeth over it.</p>
<p>Frankly, I'll ward off the problem at the pass by finding out where the opportunities are (if he doesn't) and making sure he fills out the paperwork. Then everyone is happy. :D</p>
<p>I won't however have anything to do with post undergrad job searches and the like. If he ends up slinging burgers and sharing a trailer with 6 other people, that's his problem. I'm still here in the big house.</p>
<p>Washdad, your plan works, except where is son going to live? Is he going to be using your water/electricity/food/cable? You are still indirectly 'suffering' (at least, I consider having my grown son living at home suffering) from this. In a way, it's not natural consequences for him- it's also for you.</p>
<p>My reaction to the original poster is, "Why are you giving your son a choice about checking his scores?" Why do you not have login to his CB account? Insist he give it to you. Aren't you paying and in charge of things?</p>
<p>I think Blossom's argument is most applicable if you have a parent pushing a kid toward schools who obviously doesn't have the credentials for that school. Statistically, not that many kids commit suicide over college applications.</p>
<p>My kids tell me over and over about the kids who don't succeed. It is because their parents let them do whatever they want. Kids need to be guided and disciplined.</p>
<p>Get those large pieces of cardboard that everyplace sells and write on it what has to be done. Put down a deadline. Hang it everywhere in the house. On the fridge, hallways, kids' room, your room or office, family room. Then there is a constant reminder your kid can see everywhere.</p>
<p>Also, open a joint email account you can both access in your child's name. Lots of things that he/she will have to do - write to admissions people, TYN, etc - you can do. Really cuts down on the pestering, fighting and bugging.</p>
<p>Cut way down on the college visiting. You can narrow down choices by reading about the schools and watching videos. While part of the visiting is fun, I can't believe how excessive people are about this.</p>
<p>I have to say that it genuinely never occurred to me to insist that he give us his CB login, as we are trying (hah! well, we do try!) to let him take charge of the process as much as we can. This has pretty much been our approach to life in general over the past couple of years: that we will let him take the reins, with the understanding that if he messes up in a meaningful way, then we will take over. And while I would find it satisfying to hang signs all over the place reminding him what to do, this would most likely backfire big time in our house, as the more we tell S what to do, the less likely he is to actually do it.</p>
<p>nannette,
THANK YOU TOO.</p>
<p>I guess I'm just cranky today. I get cranked about people telling some poor mom whose son is being balky about preparing for college to just back off.</p>
<p>My guess is that at least some of those same people helped their own kids through the process, and more. Many have spent tens of thousands of dollars on summer programs at universities throughout high school. But the advice is back off??? I just don't get it. And to suggest that someone is going to need psychiatric counseling or get suicidal because their mom makes them do the paperwork. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>The thing I do agree with is backing off the visits. My younger son didn't go on any before applying. We figured we'd narrow down the list a little and do some visits during his senior year if we had to.</p>
<p>Hi again. It seems that this clueless Y chromosomers are the secret geniuses -- they have someone to worry about the "petty details" -- US! (for H as well as S, D needed no assistance.)</p>
<p>WashDad: My son continually quotes those SIL parts to justify "seat of his pants" navigational style. </p>
<p>I guess I have always provided more structure aand help than seems to be the rule here. Son was diagnosed with ADD in fifth grade. Had I not naggd, prodded, reminded his achievement would have been less, way less, but he IS growing into these tasks through modeling (i.e. copying me) and brain maturation. If I had unlimited money I would but it at his disposal for college so I think of my organizational skills and research skills as a family resource.
And truth be told, I actually enjoy these tasks.</p>
<p>Whenever I expressed concern that he would not fare well in college because I provided son much info. and motivation he would always explain that he was way better than his friends. Scarily, this seems to be true because I can't think of one night of high school that went by without at least two of his friends calling up for the homework assignments. (One of these boys is going to Princeton! Secret of success seems to be delegating to underlings!</p>
<p>If DS doesn't respond well to help, well that's difficult. If he does, I see nothing wrong with parent being responsible for scholarship deadlines, etc.</p>
<p>I have already posted aids to actually getting son to do the actual work, which he did, on his own. However, research and organizational parts of college project I admit I took responsibility for. However, he was captain of his mock trial team, academic team and concert master of school orchestra (because I reminded him to practice every day.) They are giving me an academy award for the straight face I kept when teachers told me how responsible DS is.</p>
<p>He kept track and accomplished all the school work that qualified him for admission to the college he will attend. Sometimes doing things on one's own behalf is more difficult than doing things for others. I was and am really delighted to have been able to be part of helping DS to realize his dreams.</p>
<p>Oh, and P.S. He finally does practice on his own! He always loved his instrument; he just didn't have the drive to overcome his own resistances.</p>
<p>The point of the signs/posters is that you don't have to say a thing. Your son will learn to look. He won't be able to avoid it. You won't have to say a thing.</p>
<p>Don't assume it won't work with your son if you haven't tried it.</p>
<p>Nanette-- sorry, i am still skeptical about the sign strategy. Remember, this is a kid who KNOWS we are wondering about the SAT II scores, but withholds them from us with a glint in his eye, realizing that we will stew for 5 weeks while he is gone. I just worry that the sign thing might give him more incentive to resist. He unfortunately seems to have a rather enormous capacity to cut off his nose to spite his face and particularly, LOVES to sit back and watch me squirm if he knows something is important to me.</p>
<p>momo,
Just tell him to give you the signon. Tell him you need to keep up with his scores and grades because you are looking into colleges and scholarships that fit his profile. If you don't know what his profile is, you can't help. Tell him to stop being passive aggressive. You're on his side.</p>
<p>One of my mantra's when my kids were growing up was- people aren't ignorant because of their IQ's. They're ignorant because they don't ask questions, accept help, or listen to advice.</p>
<p>If they heard this once, they heard it a million times.</p>
<p>Well, the follow-up to this saga is that my husband, who apparently couldn't stand the suspense anymore, logged on to the CB site and managed to retrieve S's scores (he is a computer person professionally, so this comes easily to him.) I wasn't sure whether to be apalled or grateful. in any case, one of them (lit) was good, the other (math I) was terrible, so now we are left wondering how much this really matters, whether he should retake the math, and, if he does, whether he should be tutored. Ugh.</p>
<p>momo,
This is the SAT II, right? I'm not sure what you consider a bad score, or where your son's goals lie, but my son did pretty good on his bio SAT II, but bombed his math SAT II. However, he got a 790 on the Math SAT I. I didn't make him retake the SAT II. Sometimes these tests get to be ridiculous. Between the AP tests, and SAT I's and the SAT II's, my son took what I consider to be an absurd number of tests these past 12 months (something like 8???). Where are you/your son looking? If he's looking to get into a top LAC or IVY, I guess you have to worry about every little score/subscore/super-subscore. Otherwise.... like I said, I thought my son had a good selection- UVa, UNC, UF, Emory, W&M, and there were some scores that were pretty good and some not so good.</p>
<p>Yes, SAT II. He got a 610 on the Math I, which I think is realistically pretty awful. He has shown some interest in some very selective LAC's (mostly the artiest places)-- Oberlin, Bennington, Hampshire, Reed, maybe Grinnell, Macalester. I think he'll need to take it over. He did say after the test that he ran out of time and had to leave out quite a few questions. He is not looking to major in anything mathematical or scientific. My guess is that he would most likely end up a music major.</p>
<p>one VERY valid reason for looking at the scores asap is sometimes CB makes mistakes, and they can be big'uns...and if you don't see the scores, the longer wait, the harder or longer it may take to get a handscoring, etc</p>
<p>to punish mom and dad by being snarking is NOT cute or clever, as the boy seems to think it is</p>
<p>this is when a parents says, stop acting like a 5 year and act like an adult, you want us to treat you like an adult, then look up the scores, that is what adults do, they deal with reality</p>
<p>I am at that place of:</p>
<p>Give them the tools they need to get the job done
Make sure they understand all the deadlines
IF they are working and communicating what they are doing, great
If they are saying, have it handled, but you have seen no evidence, then say, family meeting, lets see where we are at
If they get snarky, tell, them, well, lets see, if mom and dad don't do what they said they would do, you would still be at the airport, you would have no food, clothes, etc, it all part of the bargain of give and take, and part of your give is keeping us up to speed on where you are at with applications, scholarships, etc.</p>
<p>What gets me is when they pull that attitude of "i have it under control" and then they "forget" something and get snippy when you say, gee, remember when you said it was undercontrol, seems not so much</p>
<p>Once my D left her passport on the plane (she was flying alone) I had to make special trips to the airport to report it missing, etc</p>
<p>I told her after that I have reserved the right to "remind" her about certain things when she travels....and too bad if it annoys her, the hassle I went through earned me the mom rights of being a nag</p>
<p>She understood</p>
<p>momo,
If he's going to be a music major, his admittance is going to be based for the most part on an audition. Who cares if Yo-yo Ma scored a 600 on his math SAT?????</p>
<p>He doesn't want to go to conservatory-- wants to be a music major at a LAC.</p>