I’m a second semester senior currently living in an off-campus apartment with one roommate. Everything was fine and dandy, until she started dating her boyfriend a few months back.
When they started dating, she told me he’d “be hanging around often.” Which was fine by me! However, what she meant was that he would be moving in with us, and not paying for anything.
Their relationship is toxic. They frequently get into screaming matches in the common space which leaves me no choice but to stay cornered in my room. In the past, he has attempted to physically harm her. He is very violent and aggressive, talks about his need to “hurt” things when he gets angry, and just today he was on the phone threatening to murder someone because they dialed the wrong number. He keeps a weapon in the apartment, as well. My roommate has attempted to break up with him, to which he threatened to hurt her and himself if she did. She is definitely not ending the relationship any time soon. When she did ask him to move out, he told her if she wanted to date him they had to live together.
The landlord found out he was living in the apartment over semester break. In response, he attempted to enforce rules (I.e. the boyfriend has to pay if he wants to live here, etc.). All it has done has made my roommate more sneaky about where he parks his car.
I am immensely uncomfortable in my own place and I don’t know what to do. My roommate is almost as aggressive as the boyfriend, so I fear that if I tell her my feelings she will retaliate OR she’ll tell her boyfriend, which would anger him and likely make me the subject of his anger issues as well. However, I’ll feel like a snitch going directly to the landlord. I don’t know what to do and I’m beginning to fear for my safety. My lease is up in May. Any tips?
I would seek out a dean or someone in residential life and explain the situation and be very clear that you do not feel safe where you are living and why and ask if they can find you somewhere on campus to live. Hopefully, the college will be supportive. Tell your roommate that she is not safe and should ask her boyfriend to live and have the landlord change the locks. But you need to move out. See if you can get out of the remaining payments on the lease by telling the landlord, he should seek payment from the boyfriend. You could also see if the college would let you room for free just for this semester to try and keep you safe.
Just get out. Immediately and figure out the financial consequences later. Chalk it you to a once in a lifetime bad thing happening. Don’t try to solve the landlord issues or roommate safety issues, they are not yours. Tell your parents you need help moving, get the dean involved, get your stuff and get out
I had a very similar situation. I moved out immediately after he started making threats. Like, next day. I recommend you get out right away and then you can figure out what to do next. The financial/lease situation can be worked out from afar. If your roommate is also aggressive, please also consider not telling her you’re leaving. You may want to move out while she’s away at class or work. You never know how people like this may react to this kind of thing, and your safety is the most important thing of all.
Go to the Dean of Students tomorrow and tell them what you’ve told us. Make sure you let your parents know too. The college should be able to help you.
DD had a situation similar to that, but not quite as dire, she talked to me about it and I, as her father, took care of the situation. Might want to talk to your parents about it also.
I’ll add my voice to those who are telling you to contact the landlord and the police and get out. Now,
You are rightly fearing for your safety, and “snitch” is a term that bullies use to gaslight their victims. So after you have found somewhere safe to stay, notify your landlord that the boyfriend is still around, and that you do not feel safe being in your home. Do it using email, not verbally, and make the reasons clear
Overall, from now on, only interact with your roommate and with your landlord by email, so that you have a paper trail. If she physically confronts you, call 911 immediately. If your roommate or her boyfriend threaten you in any way, call 911, and if it happens again, have a restraining order issued. Do not provide either your roommate or your landlord with your next address.
It may not be that serious, but it’s better to overreact than to be another domestic abuse statistic.
Forget the stuff – just move out. Take your books and laptop, wear an extra set of clothes, as if you are going to the library, and get the heck out of this situation without announcing it first. Tell your parents. Go straight to the dean’s office and the police (the real police, not the university police). Good luck. Agree on the not telling your roommate or her boyfriend your new address, etc.
I agree - move out. However I might talk to the landlord first and see if s/he will agree to let you out of your lease (after you’ve found another place). It can’t hurt to ask.