Transfer Essay... Original or not worth giv

Transfer Students
1

<p>Hi everyone. I need your honest advice about an essay I wrote.</p>

<p>Ok here's a little background to start off with: I'm going to be a junior next year without a college to go to. I spent my freshman year at Boston, didn't do to well. Transferred to a community college for my sophomore year, did better but not totally impressive (I overloaded my schedule with all the hardest classes I could find and... you get the picture). Right now I'm awaiting decisions from the last two schools I applied to: Drexel University and Georgian Court University.</p>

<p>Now the deadline at Drexel was August 15th but it turns out because of technical errors (not my fault) they didn't receive one of my transcripts (for credits I earned in h.s.). So long story short I went out on a limb and personally sent them the transcript and supplemental info that was optional for transfers (i.e. resume, acting resume, CD of digital photos and a brief personal statement).</p>

<p>Ok this is my problem. To make me somewhat stand out from the pool of transfers, a created an entirely new, unconventional and somewhat risky personal statement. Very different from the conventional and pretty safe essays I've written before (i.e. my vacation, why I’m a great candidate) I had writers block for weeks and I kinda just put all of my frustration down on paper. But now that I sent it, I don't feel so well. I am not really good at writing well, so I kinda feel like it was the wrong decision.</p>

<p>Please feel free to add your comments and criticisms.</p>

2

<p>Here it goes:</p>

<p>I am…</p>

<p>It’s gone. Pen still touching paper, I sit, with nothing but the crumbled remains of another great idea. Once again I have failed to outwit the persistence of writers block. Just a face, a simple name and social security number; I am one of two-thousand four-hundred applicants vying for attention. Shuffled and sorted, my life will be converted to black and white. Soon my file will lie jumbled among the rest, quietly demanding to be heard. Yet the essay, the defining insight towards my life, remains as only two words and three small dots.</p>

<p>Countless nights have been spent pondering the ceiling. I squeeze my mind for more words, trying desperately to express the factors that make me unique. Phrases are scribbled to paper, only to be crumpled and thrown away. My inspiration continually sputters. Philosophical questioning ensues. Seriously, who am I, and who have I become?</p>

<p>I am the same person that I once was, two weeks ago. But somehow, I am not. Stereotyped, I struggled to find my place in society. I am called average; as others perceive me to be ordinary. Though behind the timid exterior, lies a person of great energy and confidence. One who can spontaneously entertain a crowded room and befriend complete strangers. I choose to follow myself; I am rebellious; I do vote, and hold my own opinions. I get angry, apologies and learn from my mistakes. I strive to be more humble.</p>

<p>Deep conversations are launched with my parents on a daily basis, though they may never understand who I am. I am determined. Yearning for stability in my life, I grapple for sense of academic accomplishment. I will open doors on my own and help others do the same. I am bold and daring. I will do anything more than once and live my life mastering it. I can repot an orchid in under two minutes but take a week cleaning only the kitchen floor. I am a walking contradiction.</p>

<p>I smile when I do not have to and am often blinded by my own enthusiasm. I try and envision the world through the eyes of Escher and Dalí. Attempting to sketch and paint my ideas on paper, I never seem to have enough colors to illustrate them fully. I am an athlete and a musician. I can sing jazz standards in the shower and deliver award winning performances in front of the mirror. I am a humanitarian, a Buddhist and a Catholic… The other endearing qualities were lost in the cluttered trash bin.</p>

<p>Two decades are to be condensed into mere paragraphs. Even if successful, this message will likely be skewed by one’s own perception of me. And yet, that is the risk I have chosen to take. Someday, maybe today or in the ten minutes from now, someone will find out who I truly am. I am nobody, yet I am someone. Now if only I could convey that in a concise, coherent manner.</p>

<p>p.s. good or horrible... please don't plagiarize.</p>

3

<p>you were writing about your frustration with the personal statement (i actually thought about doing that when i was applying to schools since the damn frustration was so intense.) and i actually think that it may be an essay that isn't written by so many people.
my honest opinion is your essay isnt that strong. it is obvious from your essay that you have a lot of different experiences to write about, such as being a buddhist and catholic. i feel that your aim is to show them how diverse you are, but you were just merely listing what you are instead of showing them your character. in the first paragraph, (which is SO important because that sets the tone) it seemed like you were putting yourself down. the rest of the paper seem very scattered and jumps a lot without much elaboration on your ideas.
your last paragraph makes you come off as insecure. "Even if successful, this message will likely be skewed by one's own perception of me." it is as if you are already anticipating rejection.
there are many noticable grammatical errors and some sentences could have been restructured for a stronger effect.</p>

<p>I do like your idea though. you were doing some soul searching ("who am i and who have i become?). A personal statement can definitely spark that question. I, myself, went through that while i was writing mine. unfortunately....somehow we are to squeeze it into 600 words and, yes, i dont think that's very fair. it doesnt do our experiences justice.
who knows? i am not on the college committee and this is just my opinion.</p>

4

<p>You are completelly right, I should of come up with a more positive mindset and revised it many times before sending it. I guess the frustration got the best of me. Thank you for the constructive criticism.</p>

5

<p>Are you pursuing Theatre or the Arts?</p>

<p>Quote: "i.e. resume, acting resume, CD of digital photos and a brief personal statement)."</p>

<p>And my constructive criticism is that the essay is too general, not very specific. It could fit most people who do soul searching. But I also know that you want to original and stand out from the 100,000 other essays. Myself, I had written a risky essay that my English 11 H teacher loved in high school, that my AP Literature teacher tore apart, praised by my guidance counselor, and which my parents thought was awful. Heh.</p>

<p>I like your idea, but I believe that you have much better material to squeeze into that measly 500 word limit! (I hate that limit!)</p>

<p>Try to use action verbs/specifics, and a good writer will show, not tell.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

6

<p>Thanks. Actually, I'm a Biochemistry major if you guys were wondering. I'd like to go into theater, but my strengths are really in the sciences. I've just had a knack for acting and the arts, ever since I was little.</p>