<p>Blossom said what I intended to say – just so much more eloquently!</p>
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<p>See, this is what I was also thinking. You are going to kick yourself if you find out later that she DOES mean to help considerably, and maybe had her own reasons for not giving you details now. For whatever reason, she may not realize that now is the time to get this settled (she might be thinking that she can just tell you what she is going to do in the fall, which is probably when she thinks the tuition bill comes). And that is why I would propose that you meet with her. You can certainly open the meeting with telling her that you understand that she may not be helping out after all, but you felt like you needed to clarify things so your S can make the best choice by the end of April. I guess I mean give her a graceful out if she really doesn’t mean to help, but pin her down either way. Then… don’t ever take her word for anything again. 
If I were in her position, and had somehow figured out that I had “overpromised”, I at least hope I would be honest and apologetic about it. Not evasive, which is what I think she is being.</p>
<p>If I were the grandmother in this scenario, and I had every intention of paying everything not covered by financial aid, I’d still want to hear what the front runner would offer in terms of educational opportunities over the Macauley Honors Program that would justify my spending $40,000 a year. I don’t know much about the schools he’s been accepted to, but from the little I do know, I don’t see why he would choose any of thise over Macauley even if you were confident about the grandmother’s commitment to paying. Your son may see an advantage to one of his other options, but if he does, the OP hasn’t told us so. I guess what I’m trying to say is, “Congratulations!”</p>
<p>PS My opinion might change if he is accepted to some of the remaining schools on the list.</p>
<p>“Take the fantastic offer from Macaulay and rejoice!” - YES… as long as your son likes it when you visit. </p>
<p>You can’t count on money from MIL. If she still sounds in a generous mood, suggest she set up 529 acct for the other kids, max contribution. Just tell her that DS had a scholarship windfall, so her funds would be more wisely used this way.</p>
<p>Intparent, if nothing else, the run up in the stock market over the last few weeks has prompted a lot of older folks to think (or re-think) their financial situation. The indecision over the tax plan post election and the uncertainty surrounding the estate tax limits at the end of 2012 prompted a wave of last minute gifting and setting up generation skipping plans. This MIL has had prompts for over 6 months that college season is upon her grandson, and has surely had time to consider that with the uncertainty over the estate tax, or current stock market high (as recently as last Thursday!) now is the time to move some assets around (if she intended to do so.)</p>
<p>I’ll put the the likelihood of a 250K windfall on June 1 at close to zero. I’ll put the likelihood that with all best intentions, MIL thought she’d like to pay for GS but has now reconsidered (for whatever reasons.) People don’t wait until the bill has shown up to “swoop”. I know family members who are contributing to other family members college and professional school educations and it’s a long conversation-- timing, tax implications, etc. Even the most generous and loving “Rich Uncle” needs a heads up for liquidity sake. And said “Rich Uncle” or grandmother knows that the recipient also needs time to plan around the gift.</p>
<p>Move on. Too many people waste too much time and energy over windfalls which never happen instead of getting excited and happy about the realistic “plan B” that is right in front of them. This kid has three terrific Plan B’s. Time to buy the T-shirt and start saving Bed Bath and Beyond coupons.</p>
<p>I do think MIL should be given a chance to make her offer. I live with the two grandmoms and though my mother is as sharp as ever when her attention is focused on something, she is not very interested in following most of my kid’s happenings or really most things. She is very selective about what interests her. My MIL is now pretty much overtaken by dementia, but before all of this she would need prompting and subjects like this would have to be laid right out. </p>
<p>But it’s your DH"s mother and your DS’s grandmother, and you are the in law. The big difference between an Outlaw and an In-law is that the Outlaw is wanted. I would talk to your son and husband and let them decide whether they want to approach grandmother and get a commitment and/or a check for the money, or a 529 opened. She may well need some help in all of this and a reminder that the time has come to “show 'em” or fold. However, they handle it and whatever they get is up to them. Though I spend the most time and do the most care of my MIL, I let DH and my kids approach her directly on certain things as they are “family” to her and the old gal isn’t going to change about that at this age. If it were my mother, I 'd sit down and explain the situation and see how she really wants to go with her offers now that the time has come and go from there. At the ages, and the situations with both of my ladies here, things do have to be put right under their noses, to be addressed.</p>
<p>Just my opinion, but I think of all the schools your son applied to, Macaulay program is the most selective and prestigious and tons of 18 year olds would give anything to live in NYC. it will be great for your son to not have to worry about $$.</p>
<p>I think you’ve got your son covered. You’re a good mom. That’s clear.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m going where I shouldn’t, but I think you should work on that issue you’re husband has with his mother. Apparently, there is some dysfunctional communication thing going on. </p>
<p>I can’t wrap my brain around how your husband had a specific talk about this with his own mother and you still don’t have a straight answer on what your MIL will or won’t do.</p>
<p>Also, maybe the grandmother is irritated that the grandson isn’t dicussing options with her, weighing the pros and cons of the different schools and costs, etc. Maybe she feels like he is taking her and her money for granted and she is passively aggressively reacting through her vagueness. Grandma may want the grandson to sell her on his top choice, but he sounds like he’s the typical quiet teenaged boy who holds his true feelings close to the vest.</p>
<p>If it turns out after all the acceptances are in that he has a clear top choice that is not Macauley, I think your SON should make an appointment with his grandmother ALONE to discuss his options. He should lay out all the costs and ask if her offer is still good. He should tell her he would completely understand if she reneged her offer in light of his MAcauley acceptance. He should be prepared to explain why he thinks he would get a better education at his top choice. If the grandmother says she’s willing to cover the costs, he and she should frankly discuss whether the offer comes with any strings or conditions (choice of major, GPA, etc.). They should discuss how payments are going to be made and incidental costs. If she still insists she wants to do it, your son should then say, “Grandma, this is unbelievably generous of you. But before I turn down the Macauley offer, I have to be sure. Is this truly a firm commitment that you are making for the next four years? If there is any uncertainty on your part, please tell me now.”. Your son can then gauge his grandma’s reaction for himself and make an informed decision.</p>
<p>If the grandma gets cold feet during this conversation, your son should hug her and say, “Grandma, I totally understand and that makes sense to me. If you still want to help with my educational expenses, maybe you could help with some of the indentals expenses i’ll have in NY. At a minimum, I’m hoping you’ll want to come to the city often and maybe we can have some nice dinners together. And, when the time comes, I hope you don’t mind if I come to you to discuss my graduate school options.”.</p>
<p>Macaulay Honors at Hunter’s a great academic and financial choice. </p>
<p>Moreover, the CUNY system in general has improved their academic standards compared to a decade and half ago. </p>
<p>Only thing for you and your son to watch out for is there is a minimum GPA and some conditions to stay in the Macaulay Honors program as seen here:</p>
<p>[Good</a> Standing and Graduation Requirements | Macaulay Student Handbook](<a href=“http://macaulay.cuny.edu/community/handbook/academics/academic-guidelines/good-standing-and-graduation-requirements/]Good”>Graduation Requirements – Macaulay Student Handbook)</p>
<p>If he stays on track for 4 years and ticks off all those requirements, great. However, one may need to prepare for the possibility of a slipup due to unexpected academic or other contingencies. </p>
<p>As for the M-I-L, I feel similarly as Maikai as I can’t stand flaky people who make promises and then go back on them…especially when doing so severely inconveniences other people. I’ve dropped former friends for this very reason. </p>
<p>It’s also not an attractive character trait as I’ve observed with folks in life…even those in fields stereotypically filled with flakes like the music world from the rants I’ve heard from indie band friends.</p>
<p>One also cannot expect to be entitled to enjoy the accolades of doing something generous and yet, never follow through on fulfilling the promise/commitment that’s the very basis of it.</p>
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<p>Or grandma made the promise without realizing how much money it could be and is now trying to back out after finding out how much money it is. It is not that uncommon for people to make promises based on assumptions that are incorrect.</p>
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<p>As would I, actually. But I wouldn’t rule out $40,000 ($10K/year). I say give her a chance to say what she really intends to do. The OP is going to feel pretty dumb if the MIL pops up later WITH an offer to help out more (not the full amount, but something worth discussing), and they made a decision without getting the financial facts on the table.</p>
<p>I personally tend to be someone who tries to get everyone to communicate when there is confusion on something like this. Try to be sensitive to the fact that she may not want to or be able to help out after all, that she may not recognize the timeframes or the actual costs involved, and that you are the in law. But from your posts, I think leaving this in your H’s hands isn’t going to get you a hard and fast answer. And essentially you could be leaving money on the table if you don’t. AND, your MIL may end up ticked off at you later if she realizes that your son made a choice that wasn’t what he really wanted to do, and you were ■■■■■ footing around the issue of her helping out financially.</p>
<p>My MIL has substantial assets. However, she has never offered to pay for our kids education, though she did talk about setting up 529s. She never did it. But had my DH been more proactive about her doing so, I think she would have. She needed someone to guide her on these things.</p>
<p>For holidays and certain occasions, I basically put my mother through the motions of paying for gift cards and such. She is happy to have done so, but on her own, it would not happen. She doesn’t have the type of money that could make a big dent in my kids’ college plans, so it is not an issue, but if she did, I would discuss it with her and with my brothers and help her make her decisions and guide her, as I would with any financial decision. She’s just not able to make those steps herself, and my MIL is even further gone. </p>
<p>My MIL is well to do, but to pay her all of my kid’s private costs would have depleted her terribly. It may not be a matter of getting a quarter million from her. She might want to put some fixed amount towards the cause. Also, many people, who are not elderly, are not aware of what college costs are at private schools these days. I am hopeful that my MIL could contribute about $50 total towards my youngest. I would be elated if she would/could, really if my DH can get enough assent from her at the time. But he would have to bring up the matter, and feel comfortable. Not up to me.</p>
<p>Do make sure the MIL understands your spreadsheet if form Annual costs, not 4 year total. Many grandparents (and even parents) have no clue about college costs.</p>
<p>At one point we were comparing offers for DS, including one full tuition scholarship. When I explained to my Dad that the $40K delta was just too steep for the preferred school, I could hear his wheels spinning and had to clarify that it was $40K extra PER YEAR.</p>
<h1>60 Eastgrad–LOL–you may be right!</h1>
<p>Funny thing-- I inherited that great-grandma’s wedding ring, and am of the same “wrong” religion. Wonder if she has turned in her grave?</p>
<p>There’s no debate. The OP told mythmom that the MIL told her son she offered to pay because she believed she would be dead.</p>
<p>Okay. She’s not dead. She’s not paying and so, it’s all good. In the end, if the MIL actually wants to do something, she will, unprodded. And, since the student has such excellent options, there is no problem here, at all.</p>
<p>Sometimes things really work out well.</p>
<p>I think the OP stated that she did not want the focus to be on the MIL. I think she was looking for reassurance about Macaulay Honors College, that she wasn’t deluding herself, and I hope we have reassured her that she isn’t.</p>
<p>None of us know the MIL’s intentions, but the OP described uncomfortably evasive conversations.</p>
<p>The student has good options.</p>
<p>I want to reiterate that my D had a spectacular four years in NYC.
And I agree with the person who said that it’s a very exciting place for a young musician.</p>
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<p>Sometimes so exciting it can be a serious distraction for the student if he/she doesn’t watch it. Especially for a musician. </p>
<p>So long as the priority’s on the academic responsibilities with the Macaulay Honors Program while maintaining a balance for experiencing NYC…especially as a musician, he should be fine.</p>
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<p>I thought mythmom was telling her own story about her own MIL… not the OP’s. Am I mistaken? I thought the OP’s MIL had not given any reason (or even said for sure she is not helping). </p>
<p>Someone above said the S should have this discussion alone with Grandma. I actually think the PARENTS should have this discussion with Grandma first without the S. I think having him there ups the stakes for her, and makes it a much more emotional discussion. Just like parents tell a kid how much the family can afford to spend, I think once Grandma makes up her mind what her contribution might be, talks with the parents who clearly are going to be on the hook for much of what she does not help with, then engage the S again. Grandma has already given them all some whiplash with her behavior. I personally would work with her to straighten out the message. And absolutely would NOT have my kid meet alone with her under the current circumstances. My kids are not familiar enough with the ins and outs of financial aid, implications on FA of getting a gift or 529 amount from a grandparent, etc. to do this on their own. The blind leading the blind…</p>
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<p>Rather than address this… again… I’ll repeat myself:</p>
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<p>I believe it disrespectful to the OP to assume the OP and her husband were irresponsible and made important financial decisions while not truly aware of the MIL’s capability to pay, wealth, or lack thereof. Especially after the OP chimed in later in this conversation and confirmed as much.</p>
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