<p>Actually OP wrote MIL promised only to fund the two older kids and parents to fund two younger ones. Honestly can’t see what is to be gained by being angry at MIL. Disappointed yes, but thankful S has good affordable options. </p>
<p>As was posted in other threads, counting other people’s money doesn’t end happily most of the time.</p>
<p>"As was posted in other threads, counting other people’s money doesn’t end happily most of the time. "
Truer words were never spoken!</p>
<p>The OP’s son has wonderful, low cost options for college and that in itself is reason enough for her to let her MIL, who she has repeatedly said she dearly loves-off the hook.
Lets follow her lead and not let some posters simmering anger over financial grievances or false promises or who-knows-what derail this thread.</p>
<p>There will be time aplenty for sharing any resources MIL truly wants to share. Poisoning the relationship can only cause harm to everyone. Glad OP’s S has so many great low cost options. Hope the other three kids will also.</p>
<p>I’m going to chime in here in support of HI mom’s comment and also to not be hard on MIL. It’s her money, and something may be up that is scaring her. She may be considering the costs of home health care, assisted living, and medical care as she gets older and sees some of her friends need assistance.
Financial independence is a good thing. If the student takes the generous scholarship, his parents will not be dependent on MIL, and neither will he. He will have the pride of contributing to his own education too.
Paying for college is not like a one time gift- it’s an ongoing dependence. I know that in some cases, families have this relationship, and it may be fine, but MIL is reluctant here- and 4+ years of this could be trying for all. If MIL is not paying, she’s free to send them gifts and care packages, which are always appreciated. If she does decide to offer to pay, she can be given a “part” of it, that, if she backs out or can’t do it, won’t be as devastating as tuition- like covering his books, gifts of clothing, computer. This would be a huge help without a 4 year obligation.</p>
<p>Maikai, the world is filled with people that others consider “wealthy”. Nobody knows someone else’s financial circumstances to the degree that they think they do. I have a friend who was expecting a large inheritance from an in-law relative- turns out both the fancy house and the “beach cottage” in a tony area were mortgaged to the hilt; relative owed back taxes, mechanics liens, etc. By the time the properties could be sold and the taxes and banks were paid, she inherited enough for a nice dinner out. Hardly the life-altering prospect she had envisioned. Her personal financial planning was predicated on “but we’re getting the houses”. Not a prudent way to live. She did indeed get the houses, but they came with the assorted complexities of someone who had been living beyond his means for two decades.</p>
<p>I applaud the OP for having raised a fiscally sensible kid; for being prudent herself, and for recognizing that an outwardly affluent MIL might indeed not have the scratch to write a check for college tuition. Or has decided she doesn’t want to.</p>
<p>I don’t think the issue is whether or not grandma pays. Of course we are not entitled to others’ money. The issue is continuously related false information that created disappointment and stress. I agree that the OP is handling both beautifully and all indicators say her son will have a rewarding college experience.</p>
<p>I also agree that anger at grandma is not constructive.</p>
<p>In the real world all these things can be true at the same time. Reality is not an either/ or proposition.</p>
<p>
Name calling? I don’t remember calling anyone names. I made references to MIL being cheap, but IMHO that’s not name calling. That’s just saying it like it is. If I called her the “b” word or something, that would be name calling.</p>
<p>When a parent betrays their child’s trust on such an important issue it is despicable and warrants anger, IMHO. As I said before, I applaud the OP’s ability to “turn the other cheek” and move on. But let’s not all make believe the cheek was not struck… and struck hard.</p>
<p>I have never been betrayed by my parents. If my parents made me a promise, I knew I could take it to the bank. Being betrayed by my parents or betraying my child is beyond comprehension.</p>
<p>
Here we go again. 
It’s all about context. You seem to be hell-bent on injecting some assumptions into this story. </p>
<p>I just react to what I’m told by the OP… MIL made promise to child… MIL can afford to make good on promise… MIL betrays child… MIL suggests child work for her to now earn the money she promised… It’s easy… just follow the dots. I inject nothing. I assume nothing.</p>
<p>I can’t wrap my brain around people constantly giving this parent so much slack for this betrayal. I honestly believe it’s because this woman has the title of “grandma”, which conjures up images of a sweet little biddy with only pure love in her heart.</p>
<p>Again, I wonder what the reaction would have been it this was the father in-law betraying his child.</p>
<p>We’ve friends who’s DS is at SUNY New Platz’s honor college, and they all love it - both his academic experience and their low financial costs. This DS originally was interested in Hampshire College-type LACs.</p>
<p>I’ve meddling parents who are known to make unprompted “big talk” offers of financial gifts, but usually fail to follow through. I’ve learned to polite hear it, then ignore it. My parents advised our DS (and us) several times that they’d “pay for college”, which they could easily afford. (They also encouraged DS to apply to a Top 20 university, neither good fit nor his academic profile.) Come senior year, my mother belittled DS’ list of colleges, which caused anguish, their “we’ll pay for college” talk vanished. DS worried whether he could even attend college (we nipped that worry). We’d always planned on shouldering the expense ourselves, but once again my parents proved to be unreliable.</p>
<p>I’m wondering how OP’s DS’ and DH’s relationship with MIL will weather this issue. It sounds like OP’s MIL’s now mixing her priorities, and backing out of her commitment to OP’s DS. I’d opt for the strongest academic program that’s affordable to your budget. And I’d tell that MIL myself that “false promises” are hurtful. Sometimes people need to be politely “called out”.</p>
<p>There have been so many threads over the past decade about in-laws [which too often do seem to be Asian] saying they will “pay for college”, when what they meant was they will pay if Johnny or Jane gets into a tip top, “hi status”, HYPSM type of college.
Dont underestimate the nativity of in-laws when it comes to where their grandkids can actually get accepted!They are often the ones wearing the rose colored glasses!</p>
<p>Maikai, you are very fortunate to have had such perfect parents. Most people do not. Being unable to deliver on paying for something is not the worst of parental sins. </p>
<p>I wanted to pay for any college my kids wanted to attend and got acceptance and I might have said we would at times when they were younger. The present reality is that it would not be wise for us to do so beyond a given dollar amount. I’ve said a lot of things that I could not keep to. As have my parents, and many parents I know.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse,
My parents were far from perfect and you miss my point. </p>
<p>You too are injecting your own assumptions about the OP’s MIL and second guessing what the OP stated rather clearly… that the MIL could easily afford her promise to pay for half of her grandchildren’s education.</p>
<p>I still scratch my head at how so many of you want to give this woman a free ride. Even if this was a case of sticker shock, there is no excuse for not giving an explanation. There is no excuse for not producing the original amount of money she had ear-marked for the kids. Her promise doesn’t go to zero dollars just because she got surprised at how much college costs these days. </p>
<p>If you made a similar promise and had $20K ear marked for your kid, then found out the actual cost was $60K, would you then give NOTHING? Where’s the logic behind that? Would you not immediately let your own flesh and blood know you didn’t realize it would be so much, but at least you have $20K for them?</p>
<p>If your financial situation changed so dramatically as to force you to zero, wouldn’t you share that with your child… let them know you still love them and you hate what happened, but you can no longer afford your promise? Or would you make them squirm and guess at your motives and intentions?</p>
<p>It was suggested by one poster that I may have been betrayed and that’s why this story ticks me off. No, it ticks me off because the mother in law did a dreadfully horrible thing to her child. It’s horrible to read and my heart goes out for the OP’s husband and children.</p>
<p>Now I realize some people may be giving this parent such a break because of their own guilty consciences. If they give this profoundly and blatantly betraying parent forgiveness, then their own minor transgressions are surely forgivable. I finally get it.</p>
<p>Forgiving this woman will not gain forgiveness for yourselves. Children are innocent and they believe what mommy and daddy promised them. Even if they don’t say it out loud, they know that something has been taken back. They are hurt. They wonder why. Was it something I did? Are they no longer proud of me?</p>
<p>If we find we can’t deliver on a promise, we owe them a clear and honest explanation. If they promised something to you and didn’t deliver, you’d expect an explanation. That’s a two way street. Truth and respect garners truth and respect. Lies and deceit garner lies and deceit. Decide now which you want from your child.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Is it that hard for you to believe that people on an internet forum might have a different perspective on an issue without needing to call into question their motives? We all have children and parents and we all love them. I don’t think we need your patronizing dramatics.</p>
<p>I wish I could give this poor grandmother a hug. She hasn’t even actually reneged on her offer and people are acting as if she committed some terrible crime. It sounds like she expressed some doubt or hesitation, which is natural. As terrible as it seems, she probably was fantasizing about Harvard when she made the offer; it takes a bit of time to get used to the idea of spending all that money on a less prestigious choice. Many people in the world have those same kind of thoughts. I dont see why she should be blamed for wanting to talk through her doubts.</p>
<p>And, anyway, if the Macauley program fulfills the kid’s needs and he doesn’t have a strong preference for one of the other acceptances, many rational grandmothers would think twice about funding one of the other options. So, even if she hadn’t previously gotten cold feet, she probably would have doubting the wisdom of a hefty bill elsewhere when she heard about the Macauley offer anyway. Or at least wanted to talk it through.</p>
<p>I was the one who suggested that the boy talk to the grandma alone if he really did have a strong preference for another place after sll his options are in. I still think that’s the right advice. When I was young I had a grandparent who helped me on a few occasions, albeit on something very minor compared to this. But in relative terms it was a big deal for both of us. Things ALWAYS went much better when I dealt directly with the grandparent without the involvement of my parents. And I had friends whose grandparents were financing educations or helping with other expenses and again the relationships seemed to work great when the recipient dealt directly with the donor/lender. It sounds like this is a moot point here but I just note it for future reference. I’m a strong believer in these kinds of relationships being direct between the kid and grandparent/ aunts /uncles etc.</p>
<p>“Children are innocent and they believe what mommy and daddy promised them. Even if they don’t say it out loud, they know that something has been taken back. They are hurt. They wonder why. Was it something I did? Are they no longer proud of me?”</p>
<p>Give me a break. The “child” you are referring to is a fully grown woman, who has shown plenty of understanding and maturity regarding her relationship with her MIL. She is not a 4 year old child who is crushed because the cookies she was promised were withheld. </p>
<p>You are projecting highly simplistic , idealistic, black & white pronouncements on parent-child relationships, and have greatly exaggerated the harm that the OP’s MIL has done to her - such as when you stated that she has done “a dreadfully horrible thing to her child” </p>
<p>Good grief. Making her son divorce her would qualify as “something dreadfully horrible”. Or paying full freight for the college educations of other grandchildren, while claiming to be “too poor” to help her sons children with their educational expenses, would probably be unforgiveable. Not being able to keep a financial promise, which turned out to not be necessary anyway, is not even close to being “dreadfully horrible” .</p>
<p>My MIL hasn’t and doesn’t want to give more than $25 for gifts for my kids. She talked and talks about paying for their college, and yes, she has enough to give some sizeable gifts, but she flat out doesn’t want to do so. Senile as she is, she still doesn’t want to give up any of her money, and that is in character with the way she has always been. </p>
<p>So, we’re supposed to granny dump her? She’s my DH’s husband and my children’s grandmother and they love her as tight wadded as she is. No surprise there. I understand kids love their parents even when such parents tortured them and caused them pain through abuse deliberately. So the sentiments are not reasonable. But, yes, I have a tight wad here , that we care for, and is very much loved who wouldn’t give up her money for them. It would have to be forcibly wrested from her. So, it’s give us the money you promised, or out the door you go? </p>
<p>Not here.</p>
<p>Wonder what the MIL would think if she read this thread? :)</p>
<p>I have a relative who harassed us be caused we opted to send our very gifted S to public preschool. He insisted it was an awful idea and insisted he’d pay for S to attend expensive private school. We politely thanked him and continued with our plan. Fast forward to HS when we finally did apply and enroll S in private school. The relative never said a word about prior promise about helping with tuition and has never contributed. I know the situations are different but things definitely change over the years; he appears wealthier than he was when he made the promise but never felt I could count on any money but ours and am glad we planned accordingly. </p>
<p>I do not hold it against relative that he made promise which he never backed with cash–always thought it safest to expect to count only our personal resources. </p>
<p>I suspect the MIL would be shocked to know there is a cyber thread discussing her and her family.</p>
<p>Gifts from relatives are nice. </p>
<p>This is simple. </p>
<p>It’s time to put money where mouth is. Ask your S to ask your MIL to make a sufficiently large gift to a 529 plan with your S as the beneficiary by May 1st so that he knows that it’s safe to turn down the more affordable opportunities. Since she will still own the 529, it won’t count toward his financial aid. He should thank her profusely, going way over the top and agree to wash her car, clean her house, do any heavy lifting maintenance work that she needs. </p>
<p>If it’s not going to happen, she’ll have to renege on her promise now. That seems pretty hard for a grandparent to do. </p>
<p>Then you’ll know how much she really will really contribute because all of the contribution will be now. </p>
<p>I have to be careful, they might archive CC for more than 20 years and this strategy might work against me someday, LOL!</p>
<p>I see this as an example of the very common phenomenon of an elderly widow being somewhat irrationally insecure about her financial security. Even those who have substantial assets are all too conscious of their vulnerability, should their assets melt away.</p>
<p>I also think that it is wise NEVER to count upon promises to pay for college unless the money has already been set aside for that purpose in a business-like manner. You never know what will happen.</p>
<p>Maikai, it does sounds as if the MIL has behaved foolishly, and I fully agree that just because one can’t come up with $60K per year in these circumstances does not mean that one should not contribute $5K or $10K or $500 for that matter, if that is what one can now afford.</p>
<p>But I think the point is that there is simply no point in holding a grudge OR putting the MIL’s feet to the fire about the $$. At least not for THIS child, since thanks to his own efforts and the OP’s foresight, he has excellent affordable opportunities. </p>
<p>Now, when it comes time for #2 to apply, that child may not have the same options. Luckily, the OP and her H are forewarned, and can plan accordingly and manage expectations.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It might have been a genuine heartfelt offer. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m saying that the “bill” effectively comes with the admission and FA offer before you put down the deposit and forgo the cheaper options. If she does change her tune back, your S gets to go to a more desirable college. Don’t take that chance away from him. Let your MIL do it if she really can’t swing it. Also, it might not be just a “her” but a “them”. There may be a FIL in the picture too. You can’t take it with you.</p>