<p>I guess my previous post was taken down, anyways - My UC apps are due in four days and as I dont have much time tow write and rewrite I was hoping to get some feedback on my first essay. This is by no means a final draft but besides the technical things I need to fix I was wondering what your guys think about the conceptual side of it (topic, story line and how I present it etc. ) I was hoping to incorporate that I come from an immigrant family without letting it dominate my essay and then incorporate my interest in economics. As I said this is not a final draft I dont even have a conclusion but I would kill for some feedback right now, PLEASE HELP :)</p>
<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<pre><code>My family moved to America from Egypt when I was three years old. My parents had made the difficult decision to leave our comfortable lives and family behind in order to provide me and my two brothers with a better life. During our first years in this country my father was working on a graduate degree while my mother stayed at home taking care of the three boys. With no source of income we were living completely off of our depleting savings. These circumstances allowed me to understand and appreciate the value of money early on in life.
When my father completed his studies and landed his first job as a Water Resources Engineer our financial situation loosened up. At this point in my life I began to earn my first salary ever: allowance. Ever since then I have always had a fascination with money; saving it, spending it, counting it. Although my weekly allowance of $5 was a miniscule amount for a 7 year old with many wants and needs, I managed to maximize my earnings. Every weekend me, my brother, and our neighborhood friends, would ride our bikes to the nearby Walgreens and splurge on candy, chips, and other drinks. After realizing the hit that these rash consumptions were taking on my savings I decided to limit myself to only $3 of food a week and committed the rest of my earnings to my savings. I kept a balanced check book (post it note) of all my expenditures and watched as my secret stash of money piled up. My entrepreneurial ability shined early on as I created several get rich quick schemes including lemonade stands, raking lawns, and at one point a chocolate bar selling business at school, which was eventually shut down by administration.
My interest in the field of Economics ultimately came from a reality TV show Shark Tank. On this show hopeful entrepreneurs pitch their ideas in hopes of getting an investment from one of the "Sharks." It was here that I saw Kevin O'Leary strike a deal with the owner of Breathometer for 10% of the business and a 15 cent perpetuity on each item sold. The following week I would watch as Lori Greiner would invest in a budding kitchen supply company contingent on proof of existing purchase orders.
<p>Ok, I can really relate to your post since I am also an immigrant with an interest in economics. Put yourself in the reader’s shoes, the material is good but you need to make it memorable. Do you have any anecdotes which demonstrate you interest in econ or even about your move to the US? Start it off in the action; it doesn’t need to be anything extravagant but I want to know more about you, be very specific and careful with your wording, don’t waste anything. </p>
<p>I thought the “get rich quick schemes” the rides to walgreens and the shark tank were all anecdotes? Im also trying to find a way to SMOOTHLY transition from money to econ, and key words or ideas you have in mind?</p>
<p>how funny…I just finished reading those haha</p>
<p>I will work on writing it better but do you think that the idea is solid? at first my essay was all about immigrant family and how that has taught me to work hard but I thought that was way too generic so now im here</p>
<p>For the Shark Tank example, you need to talk about its impact on you specifically. Right now you are just explaining how you watched the show and how the show works.</p>
<p>Look at what all the essays have, they all catch one’s attention. The topic doesn’t need to be anything insane, it can be the simplest thing. You can’t possibly tell the admissions committee everything so you need to really develop one topic and have a strong message. Your topic is great and interesting, it just needs to be written in an interesting way as well. </p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice, I still don’t have a conclusion but what do you think of this more complete revised version I have right now</p>
<p>My family immigrated to America from Egypt when I was three years old. Leaving behind all of our family, financial stability, and most importantly, their homeland, my parents decided to embark on this transatlantic journey in order to bring me and my two brothers to the “Land of Opportunity.” Here, we could define our future on a level playing ground through hard work and dedication, and not have it be influenced by the widespread corruption in Egypt.
During our first years in this foreign land my father was working on a graduate degree while my mother stayed at home taking care of me and my siblings. With no source of income, we were living completely off of our depleting savings. These circumstances allowed me to understand and appreciate the value of money early on in life. When my father completed his studies and landed his first job as a Water Resources Engineer our financial situation loosened up. At this point in my life I began to earn my first salary ever: allowance. I did not take long to realize that I had developed a knack for business and finance. Although my weekly allowance of $5 was a miniscule amount for a 7 year old with many wants and needs, I managed to maximize my earnings. Every weekend me, my brother, and our neighborhood friends, would race on our bikes to the nearby Walgreens and splurge on candy, chips, and other drinks. After realizing the hit that these rash consumptions were taking on my savings I decided to limit myself to only $3 of food a week and committed the rest of my earnings to my savings. I kept a balanced check book (post it note) of all my expenditures and watched as my secret stash of money piled up. My entrepreneurial ability shined early on as I executed several get rich quick schemes including lemonade stands, raking lawns, and at one point a lucrative chocolate bar selling busines - which was eventually shut down by administration. My growing interest in the field of Economics was nurtured by a reality TV show called Shark Tank. It became a tradition for my family to gather in the living room every Friday night to watch business owners present their ideas and products in hopes of getting an investment from one of the “Sharks.” It was here that I saw Kevin O’Leary strike a deal with the owner of Breathometer for 10% of the business and a 15 cent perpetuity on each unit sold. The following week I would watch as Lori Greiner would invest in a sponge company called Scrub Daddy contingent on proof of existing purchase orders. I quickly</p>
<p>Your essay still bounces all over the place, and for me, was very boring. </p>
<p>I should focus solely on one memorable experience - your entrepreneurial experiences (lemonade stand etc) - instead of talking about your parents; you can mention them briefly.</p>