UC prompt #2- Quality- help please!

<p>this is one of my UC admin essays, and i really would love some help with it! thanks! </p>

<p>Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? </p>

<pre><code>Though the world we live in today tells us to just follow and ask the questions later, I pride myself on asking the questions now. My refusal to accept this world as it is presented to me and my need to know why is something I value highly in myself. I pride myself on questioning just about everything, from my own religion to the structure of society itself.
I grew up in a Christian household, and though we did not grow up in a church, my family still held faith. However, my parents have always encouraged me and my sisters to ask questions, especially of our religion. My dad never wanted any of us to follow something blindly, and so I grew up in an environment that gave me the freedom to find truth in my own way. My faith is a huge part of me, and the only reason I am so strong in it is because I was given the chance to question it. I believe I have found so many answers to my questions in Christianity- it is my truth. However, I still question it everyday, and I am accepting that it is not everyone’s truth.
In my Junior year of high school, I had the amazing opportunity to take an AP Language and Composition class. The teacher, Mr. Bema, encouraged me to question everything even farther. In that class, I was able to ask all the questions I had been afraid to. We explored questions like why we raise our children as we do, why we speak as we do, and how the history we learn is never the reality of what happened. My classmates and I were led on a search with no map, for a map would have limited the possibilities of search. We were encouraged to think outside of societal norms, to place ourselves on the edge. It was the best class I had ever taken. I was able to question every concept, and have that question be taken seriously. It was in that class that I realized that my purpose was to question. As a human, how else can I live but to do so? This class eventually led me to choose the career path I did- to become a professor of Women’s Studies.
Mr. Bema loved to bring in college professors to lecture our class on the subjects we were learning about. In April of that year, he invited a professor of Women’s Studies from our local college came to talk to our class about Feminism. I had always been an avowed feminist, and to hear her talk about Marilyn Frye’s “Oppression” with such a passion really inspired me. A lot of my friends told me that was probably going to be me in the ten years. As of today, I think I agree with them. I have such a passion for it- Feminism is something that appeals to me because it questions the very system of society itself, just as I do. I want to inspire a generation of other students to do the same as me- question the society they live in, and when they find something they see as an injustice, try to fix it.
I have always thought that you can not truly live life unless you question it. There is no point in blindly following something- if you just do as others do, how can you find your own self? I am proud that I constantly question my beliefs and the world around me. Though I may take a longer time to truly “find myself,” at least when I do, I will know that it is me, not a carbon copy of someone else.
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<p>What exactly did you need help with?
You should also PM it instead of posting it outright.</p>

<p>I thought it was well constructed and interesting. It starts off somewhat uninteresting, as religion is a very common topic, but by the end, it was very interesting.
However, your transitions are lacking. Though your curiosity is obvious through the essay, I can’t exactly see the link between your Christianity and Feminist view.
The essay REALLY seems to start at, “In my Junior year of high school…” The introduction and first paragraph are somewhat irrelevant. That first half better describes the first prompt of your world and attributes than anything specific to the second prompt.</p>

<p>Vey nice job.</p>

<p>I think it’s a little vague and indirect. Try more specific examples of questioning (and, in places where you came to conclusions, even the answers you came to), and be more grammatically direct-- for instance, “A lot of my friends told me that was probably going to be me in the ten years. As of today, I think I agree with them” doesn’t need the “a lot”, “probably”, “as of today”, “I think”, or even “with them”. “Told me” can be “suggested” or “said”, which would make the sentence both stronger and more direct. There are lots of other similar things you can do to make your essay more direct.</p>

<p>I agree with drpvv on the transitions and the general irrelevance of the first couple of paragraphs. You just need to make sure that every word you write is leading towards the end and showing who you are.</p>