Uncompromising Roommates

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Uncompromising roommates. There seems to be so many stories about them this year. </p>

<p>This morning I was at a Sukkah brunch, and the daughter of one of my friends (I will call her Betsy, not her real name) came home for the weekend to escape from her roommate. She attends a Big 10 school, where she is a direct admit to the prestigious business school, so a good student. She chose to have a randomly assigned roommate because she wanted to expand her comfort zone.</p>

<p>She is finding her roommate virtually impossible to live with. The roommate has lots of "rules" that she demands be followed</p>

<p>--no guests in the room, ever. Not even to stop by and pick her up to go to dinner, much less to come by to hang, talk, do homework, watch a movie--much less having a boy in the room.</p>

<p>--no lights on in the room, ever. The roommate gets angry even if my friend's daughter turns on the light in her closet or on her desk--at any time of day or night. She wants the window shade down at all times as well.</p>

<p>--no sound on the alarm clock; vibration only.</p>

<p>--she is not to return to the room after midnight, ever. Not even quietly. If she is not going to be in the room by midnight, she should sleep elsewhere.</p>

<p>The roomie has plenty of quirks, too. She doesn't leave the room except for classes, and she is taking only 13 hours. She uses her meal plan for meals to go and brings them to the room to eat. She discourages conversation by always having her headphones on, always sitting at her desk or on her bed, on her laptop. At the beginning, Betsy invited roomie to go with her and other people to meals, floor activities, etc; roomie told her bluntly that she would go to things she wanted to go to, did not need a nanny, and did not want any more invitations.</p>

<p>Betsy has gone to the RA but the RA wasn't much help--she is swamped with lots of roommate pairs not getting along, lots of kids over-partying and her having to deal with them, kids having adjustment problems, etc.</p>

<p>So at the brunch we were trying to give our friend's daughter some strategies for dealing with the situation. H and I suggested that she offer to switch off weeks with the roomie as to having guests/lights, etc. and said she would offer that but was sure roomie would not go for it--that whenever she starts to talk, the roomie just puts on her headphones if they weren't on already.</p>

<p>Another father there suggested that she take an approach as obnoxious as her roommate's, to bring her to a point of conversation/discussion/compromise. He suggested that she give the roomie her own list of rules, and that she start living in the room as she chooses. Turn the lights on when she comes in. Set her alarm so she can hear it in the morning, and not lose sleep over the fear that she will not wake to the vibration of her phone in the morning. Have friends over whenever she chooses (within reasonable hours of course--he was saying don't do anything unreasonable to give her any ammunition with the RA) and he suggested that she let her friends know the situation before they come over so they are prepared and know what they are getting in to. He basically suggested that she live as if the roomie is invisible until the roomie is ready to compromise.</p>

<p>Just switching room is not necessarily going to happen as housing was oversubscribed and there are some double rooms with three in them. Supposedly no one can switch roomies for about two months anyway.</p>

<p>She has made friends with others on the floor. Obviously no one wants to trade for her roommate! She also is afraid of what she might get instead.</p>

<p>Some parents were suggesting that maybe the roommate is depressed, but Betsy said she is just always in angry/hostile mode. Maybe she just doesn't want to be there?</p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

2

<p>Escalate this beyond the RA. Such a list of demands is unacceptable. Having said that, if Betsy acquiesces, then she’s giving the roommate 100% of the power.</p>

3

<p>Wellll. Various ideas. Most of the “rules” seem a bit much but doable except the light thing. I would simply say to the RM “Deal with it! I need to turn on the light.”</p>

<p>If I were Betsy, I would neither back down nor make a big fuss. I would also not go out of my way to try and be too friendly. Just leave the RM be but let the RM know, she is not the one who gets to decide everything so stand her ground when needed. The RM has issues that it is not the girl’s job to solve.</p>

<p>Betsy should just spend time with her other friends at their rooms to hang before going to dinner, letting her friends know, "I have this wackie room mate that I don’t want to deal with. </p>

<p>Plan ahead to crash at someone else’s place if she knows she is going to come in late. </p>

<p>What may happen after a time is a small window will open if Betsy gives her lots of space and the RM may start to open up a bit if she doesn’t feel pushed.</p>

4

<p>It is not a single room. Part of living with another person is compromising. How can a college student live with no lights? That is ridiculous. I am with Pizzagirl: take it to the next level.</p>

5

<p>Sounds like this roommate needs to commute from home or find her own studio/1 bedroom apartment like what was recommended to the potential incoming roommate who tried proposing an early mandatory curfew by bunch of medical residents who had already lived in that apartment for a few years…</p>

6

<p>I don’t think it really matters whether the roomie is depressed or angry. What’s clear is she is being unreasonable. I would absolutely escalate this, explaining first to the RA that she knows she is busy with other things that may seem more life-or-death but that this is an untolerable living situation that needs to be addressed. </p>

<p>I’d also start doing what she wants within reason, such as setting the alarm and turning on the light in her closet or desk.</p>

7

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</p>

<p>This demonstrates some social anxiety if the roommate won’t eat in the dining hall. It’s also a potential odor and hygiene problem, especially if the roommate doesn’t promptly return used dishes to the dining hall.</p>

8

<p>Wow! Betsy is being way too nice. She needs to live her life like a normal person, and if the roommate objects, let her go to the RA.</p>

9

<p>^^^^
What she said</p>

10

<p>I would suggest going to the RA and then to the Hall director. Document,document, document and be reasonable but assertive, i.e. don’t acquiese, but don’t be deliberately obnoxious. Accommodate what is reasonable (being in the room by midnight, maybe) but if it’s a request (demand) that she can’t live with, ignore it.</p>

<p>Eventually roomie will either go to the RA herself OR become more reasonable.</p>

11

<p>I don’t think she can even make these rules. Most of them are ridiculous. Don’t come home after midnight? Don’t turn on any lights? No guests? </p>

<p>If that girl wants a single, that’s not Betsy’s problem. </p>

<p>She sounds mentally ill. </p>

<p>Your friend needs to go to the dean of students</p>

12

<p>RA have a chain of command - typically an RD - go to the RD. I remember last year reading a post about a different dorm problem and the student said the RA was not responsive - sure enough she went over their head to the RD and the problem was solved in a day.</p>

13

<p>I agree with using lights, alarm etc. like a normal person. Let the roommate go to the RA with objections.</p>

14

<p>“She needs to live her life like a normal person, and if the roommate objects, let her go to the RA.”</p>

<p>agreed. NONE of those rules are reasonable and they are the sign of someone who has some major issues. If I was Betsy’s mom, I’d be tempted to contact the RA/RD and ask them to get in touch with the roomie’s parents - the behavior suggests something going on that requires mental health attention. (and I am a big proponent of college students working things out on their own - but this is, I believe, a health and safety issue or soon will be.)</p>

15

<p>

I agree with this. Those rules are totally ridiculous. If the roommate objects, she should say she’s sorry, but she can’t live like that.</p>

16

<p>Why say you are sorry? Not sorry and you are a bit crazy more like it.</p>

17

<p>I agree that she should simply live in the room like a normal person: her own lights on when she wishes, window shades up, reasonable amount of guests, use her alarm clock, and come and go as she pleases while being considerate about being quiet and not turning on the light when she comes in late. Let the roomie try to go to the RA and complain. There will be nothing to complain <em>about</em>.</p>

<p>The roomie clearly has problems that this girl cannot solve. The fact that she is aggressively unpleasant IMHO absolves the rational roomie of any obligation to attempt further negotiations. I do think it would be wise to make sure that she can’t find any legitimate grievances, though: be neat and <em>normally</em> considerate.</p>

18

<p>I agree with Lakemom but would add having friends come by to get her for meals and occasionally for a few minutes of socializing. Let the RM go to the RA…can you imagine her complaining about Betsy turning on the lights or quietly coming in after midnight? She will be exposing her own self…</p>

<p>After reading above (#17)…that is the perfect response!</p>

19

<p>Suggest she go about her life the way she wants to as long as she’s reasonably respectful to her roommate (this doesn’t mean following the girl’s ridiculous set of rules).</p>

<p>Her roommate sounds like she’s either mentally ill or on the Autism Spectrum—neither of which are your friend’s daughter’s responsibility to cater to. Don’t give in to her crazy demands. Just carry on normally and let the strange roommate learn to either deal with people or put herself on the waiting list for a single room.</p>

20

<p>Wow…thanks for so many quick responses. I told Betsy’s parents that I started this thread and I will send them the link.</p>

<p>I think Betsy went back tonight feeling better and a lot more confident. I think she is basically going to follow most of the advice given here, which is to live her own life the way she wants to, be reasonably respectful of her roomie, but not kowtow to her demands any more. She said she is going to have some girls from her Russian study group in her room for two hours tonight to practice their skit for their class presentation–and that she is not going to care how the roomie reacts. And she wants to order pizza.</p>

<p>She just feels that she is always the one to go to someone else’s room, go to the lounge, go to the library. She just wants to be able to have friends to her home. Betsy commented that she bought two cute butterfly fold up chairs for her room that she stores under her bed–and that she has not even opened them from their wrappers yet because she has never had anyone to her room. (however, we did warn her not to let her friends sit on the roomie’s bed or at her desk).</p>