<p>I agree with nysmile and the others who said similar things.</p>
<p><em>waving at Betsy’s parents</em></p>
<p>At many universities, there are options to improve living situations if you problems with your roommate, including switching to a different room.</p>
<p>During either my 2nd year at Stanford, I had a roommate who used smoke in his room (a 2-room double) with his friends – both cigarettes and pot. I complained about this, and he tried to accommodate, such a putting a towel under the door to my room to block the smoke. Nevertheless, it was clear that we weren’t going to get along well, so I asked an administrator about switching rooms. She mentioned that 3 rooms in my dorm were available . Each room was a double that had only single occupancy. I expect the 3 extra spaces related to persons changing living situation or leaving during the earlier part of the year. I met with each of those 3 persons and talked with them, then switched to the one I thought I’d get along best with. The switch was a great decision. I ended up getting along better with the new roommate than any other person I lived with during my years at college.</p>
<p>After graduating and moving to the SD area, I dated a girl who was living on campus at UCSD. She had worse problems with her roommate than I ever did. When one complained about it being too loud to study, the other would turn up the volume of the music and bang on the walls to other’s room. When she complained to administrators at UCSD, they brought out a mediator to come to the room and confirm the validity of the complaints. For example, they disagreed about whether the bathroom was sufficiently clean/dirty, so the mediator would check out the bathroom and make a ruling about bathroom cleanliness that they were supposed to follow. It worked well enough to get them through the year, although they didn’t talk much or become friends.</p>
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<p>Are you kidding? Never, never, would I tell my kid not to sleep in his/her own room.</p>
<p>Document by recording video to show to the RA, RD, etc. if needed. Only something small might be needed, such as trying to talk to the roommate about lights and seeing the roommate stop the discussion by putting on her headphones. Or maybe turning on a small light and seeing the roommate’s reaction.
Also, offer to negotiate with the roommate and fill out a roommate contract (which any decent university would have provided in the first place). They can be found online. They discuss things such as timing for visitors, light, and quiet.</p>
<p>dodgersmom, kids throw their blankets on the floor and go to sleep in someone else’s room after a late night watching a movie or who know what. My son has done that all through high school at friend’s houses.</p>
<p>Why not say you’re sorry? You’re sorry she’s unreasonable. You’re sorry she doesn’t know how to compromise. You’re sorry she’s your roommate. :D</p>
<p>Go to the RA and try to show what you are willing to work with and what you are not willing to.</p>
<p>–no guests in the room, ever. Not even to stop by and pick her up to go to dinner, much less to come by to hang, talk, do homework, watch a movie–much less having a boy in the room.
There are a range of guest rules: None ever, girls only, boys or girls but not over night, boys/girls overnight. None ever is not reasonable to me. Depending on the roommates religious needs, maybe girls only would be okay. And it is reasonable for there to be a rule for no overnight boys. So she could say "I am cool with no over night guests, but don’t think it reasonable to never have any guests.</p>
<p>–no lights on in the room, ever. The roommate gets angry even if my friend’s daughter turns on the light in her closet or on her desk–at any time of day or night. She wants the window shade down at all times as well.
** It is not reasonable to never turn on lights. I will turn them off when I leave the room, or when I am not using them. **</p>
<p>–no sound on the alarm clock; vibration only.
** It is not reasonable not to be able to use an alarm clock. I will not use the doze button excessively and generally I get up at a normal hour.**</p>
<p>–she is not to return to the room after midnight, ever. Not even quietly. If she is not going to be in the room by midnight, she should sleep elsewhere.
**-It is not reasonable for me to not be able to stay out later, but I will try to be as quiet as possible when I return and minimize turning on lights.</p>
<p>**</p>
<p>And then say that if the roommate has a religious or medical need for any of this then perhaps they should look into a single or off campus situation.</p>
<p>I think my DD had Betsy’s roommate her freshman year. Same thing. Her roommate had very strict rules and insisted on lights out at 10 pm. She was also an awkward kid and tagged along with DD everywhere she went since she had no friends. DD finally got angry and snapped at her, telling her that she was not going to follow her rules and to move out if she didn’t like it. Her roommate moved out 2 days later. The girl has lived in a single since. I just think some people are just not capable of having a roommate.</p>
<p>I’m with anniezz - I’m wondering if Betsy can see a counselor, not for herself, to say that she’s worried and disturbed by her roommate who is exhibiting very anti-social (or at the very least, very strange) behavior. There has to be a way to report this behavior to the University. This goes way beyond incompatible roommates; I’m not sure I would want my daughter to live with someone like Betsy’s roommate.</p>
<p>Go to the RA (again) and escalate it to the RD and higher. Instead of complaining about roommate incompatibility, I would frame it as concern for said roommate and present the “rules” without comment or editorial; describe her behavior. (No light? Ever? really?)</p>
<p>My son has that exact roommate in nerdy male form. In addition, no sound and no open windows allowed. He will glare at my boy if he drops a pencil on the ground by accident.</p>
<p>Like Betsy, he does his best to put up with it but ignores what he feels is unreasonable. He spends most of his social time on a different floor.</p>
<p>I do not think one of these rules is reasonable. I agree with most posters. Why are the rules only one way. I would never tell my student to compromise with any if these. It is completely unacceptable that a student not be allowed to enter their room after midnight. Sure enter quietly but she is paying for half the room. I would say all rules are off. Let the roommate go to the RA.</p>
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<p>I don’t think EITHER of these things is reasonable, especially not the first one. If she can’t be in the presence of a male at any time, she needs to go to a school that will accommodate that–if there is such a thing–or go home. </p>
<p>It would be completely reasonable to object to a couple making out or having sex in the room while she is there. People who engage in PDA that makes others uncomfortable are obnoxious. But simply a visitor?</p>
<p>And I think that in college there is a reasonable expectation that people will have sex in their dorm rooms. Okay, if both roomies agree, perhaps a “no sexile” rule is reasonable, but I think it is impractical. It IS reasonable for a student to be able to ask for a couple hours of privacy in the room. As always, this should not be abused.</p>
<p>In any case, this roomie seems to be far beyond reason. I agree that Betsy should say that if she needs things to be this way she needs a single.</p>
<p>Just a quick thing from a students perspective - don’t judge too harshly on bringing meals back to her room. I do this a lot, when I’m in the middle of homework/watching Netflix/whatever I’m doing at the moment. I don’t usually bother trying to find people to go eat with, I just eat when I’m hungry, and so there’s no point to sitting in the dining by myself when I could be getting something done.</p>
<p>To be fair I’m also a little on the antisocial side, but still.</p>
<p>boysx3 - interesting situation. I completely agree with other posters that Betsy should use her room as it is intended and as her family paid for it - including lights, alarm clock and reasonable visitors! Do let us know what happens. I’m just a bit concerned as to how the roommate will react - hopefully she will completely back down or move out.</p>
<p>I would advise Betsy to do the following: Go to the RA again. Tell her that you are alarmed about your roommate’s mental health situation. Explain the roommate’s anger at having lights turned on and having an alarm go off. Write down the list of rules and show them to the RA – maybe a visual will help. Tell the RA that the roommate is openly hostile and that she is afraid not to comply with the rules because of what the roommate might do. Tell the RA that she feels like she’s living in a minefield and isn’t even sure what else will set the roommate off. If the RA doesn’t respond, go up the chain to the RD, Housing Director, etc. Present this as an urgent mental health issue.</p>
<p>Even as a person who thinks that a room is primarily for sleeping and studying – a hanging-out place only if both roommates agree, I think this roommate is totally unreasonable. No lights? No alarm? No one even stopping by? No coming in quietly after midnight? The thought that she can unilaterally forbid all these perfectly normal things? I think she is mentally ill.</p>
<p>To Marsian’s advice I would add … go up the chain FAST. If the RA “isn’t available” or advises a waiting period, go to the RD. Keep going up the chain until you get someone who will respond.</p>
<p>Also, in this situation, I don’t think it is unreasonable for the <em>parent</em> to go to the Dean of Students, or whoever supervises the Housing Director and present this as “my kid is in danger from a roommate with a mental health issue.” </p>
<p>I personally had to do this – to say to the Dean of Students: “My son is trying to address this issue, but the roommate is not compromising and not reasonable and I am afraid that some violence may result.” Bingo. Problem solved that day!</p>
<p>I agree with the above. I admire Betsy’s parents for having her try to sort it out herself and go through proper channels but desperate times call for desperate measures and protecting your child’s safety isn’t “helicoptering.” OP- Has there been any resolution to this yet?</p>
<p>On further reflection, I think Marsian is right, if the OP’s friend feels there is any danger the roommate would retaliate, she should definitely present this as “I think my roommate is dangerous.”</p>
<p>I’m in marsian’s camp on this. One hates to be flippant, but my quick read on this is mental illness also. Its a good early lesson. When people act crazily or make crazy demands, its a sign that they might be. You could be looking at some combination of paranoia and ocd. </p>
<p>Keep the waters calm and get away from this person as soon as you can.</p>
<p>If you go to the RA, stay rational and don’t exaggerate anything to get what you want. Just say quietly but repeatedly that you’re very concerned…which you are. After all this is different from a roommate who doesn’t want you throwing drunken parties all night. This is someone who want minute control over your life.</p>