Uncompromising Roommates

Parent Cafe
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<p>UPDATE</p>

<p>Well, those of you who suspected that the roomie has severe emotional problems are right. Things did not go well when Betsy went back to campus. I just came back from a walk-and-coffee with Betsy’s mom.</p>

<p>Betsy went back to campus Sunday afternoon having decided to just live her life normally and let her roomie adjust or not–she would be respectful of roomie but ignore the rules that were ridiculous, like never turning on any light, or ever having any guests in the room at all. She did not want to continue feeling like an unwelcome guest walking on eggshells in her own home.</p>

<p>Sunday night Betsy had two girls from her Russian class over to her room to practice their skit for class. She had informed them of the situation before they came over so they were aware of the situation–they have become friends that do a lot together. Apparently Roomie came up from the laundry room to the lights on in the room and two guests in it–and went directly over to them on Betsy’s bed and said “you have to leave.” Betsy calmly informed her that they were doing work on their skit, and could not work elsewhere because they could not talk in the study lounge or library, and that other students were watching football in the floor lounge, and that it was her turn to host the group because they had already met in the other members’ rooms. Roomie flipped out and started yelling about her having to do her own homework, and Betsy just suggested she go to the floor study lounge or library. Roomie slammed out of the room in tears without taking anything with her.</p>

<p>Betsy came back from class Monday to find roomie had written up “room rules” which she texted to her, emailed to her, printed out and put on her bed and desk and closet and dresser, and on the bulletin board on the back of the door to the room!</p>

<p>Mom said Betsy had had enough, and in response wrote her own set of “room rules” for roomie–with rule 1 being that the roomies would jointly discuss and agree on room rules, not just randlomly assert a rule on the roomie.</p>

<p>Monday night Betsy came back from dinner with two girls from the floor (who knew what was going on; apparently Betsy did not keep what was going on from the rest of the floor) and turned the lights on. All three said hi to roomie, who responded by putting her headphones on and turning lights off! Betsy then responded that she needed to have the lights on just for a few minutes.Betsy had brought the girls back to help her pick what to wear on Tuesday because she was having a lunch-and-study-date with a cute boy in her econ class after class. Betsy and her friends then went to the library. They had been in the room maybe 10 minutes.</p>

<p>She came back from the library to find her stuff just trashed. Roomie had pulled apart Betsy’s bed (where the guests had been sitting), dumped the contents of her closet–and slashed up the outfit Betsy had planned to wear on her study date. </p>

<p>Betsy went to find the RA but couldn’t but luckily found the director of the whole dorm, who immediately got involved. The roomie was found crying in one of the shower stalls in her clothes.</p>

<p>Mental health professionals are now involved. Roomie has been hospitalized. Betsy’s mom and dad are driving to campus later today just to have dinner with her and maybe take her shopping for a few things–apparently roomie also shredded Betsy’s pillows and sheets.</p>

<p>I forgot to mention the scissors she had used were found stabbed in to the mattress of Betsy’s bed. Very scary.</p>

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<p>Go live in the room of a sympathetic friend(s) ~</p>

<p>That was my freshmen year (decades ago) My mother still rants about my “roommate problems” she thought I must have had a horrible year. I don’t remember it that way. Frankly, the University wasn’t her first choice for me, so I think that is why she keeps bringing it up. Truth is, I wasn’t too phased by it. It really wasn’t that important. I was out doing other stuff most of the time anyway.</p>

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<p>^ cross-posted with the update ~ yikes scary</p>

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<p>Wow! That is a really scarey turn of events. I am glad that Betsy wasn’t hurt and that it was just some of her things. I would not be comfortable with the roommate being anywhere near Betsy going forward. I hope that the roommate gets the treatment that she needs, but doesn’t come back to campus. Stabbing Betsy’s bed and slashing her things is crossing a line for sure.</p>

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<p>Glad to hear that Betsy is safe. I truly hope that everything is done to prevent the roommate from returning. She just sounded scary.</p>

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<p>Holy cow! I never would have expected the roommate to escalate to this kind of violence. It is clear that she should not be at college at all, much less with a roommate. She needs serious treatment. A very sad situation, frightening for all concerned. (I can’t help but feel for the roommate’s parents.) It sounds as if Betsy handled it very well, btw.</p>

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<p>After what the roommate did, if Betsy were my daughter, I would inform the university that all of the roommate’s things would be moved out of the room, and the locks changed. I would expect reimbursement from the roommate’s parents for all of the items that were damaged. If the roommate is not gone, AND the locks changed immediately, then I would consult an attorney and tell the school that I was going to do so. </p>

<p>Betsy could have been seriously injured or killed. That the roommate did this does not surprise me at all.</p>

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<p>Glad to see Betsy is ok and the administration is acting. </p>

<p>Considering the roommate’s demonstrated violent actions, I would be surprised if the roommate has not been permanently expelled or if not, would only be allowed back after being medically cleared by the psychiatrist and enough time has lapsed* that hopefully, Betsy has graduated. </p>

<p>As of right now, the roommate needs to be in treatment and barred from campus.</p>

<ul>
<li>Am wondering if ADA regulations in education have the possibility of discouraging permanent expulsion on possible systemic discrimination grounds against the mentally ill…even when it’s clearly can be justified by demonstrated actions as what the roommate did to Betsy’s room. Any lawyers/mental health professionals willing to comment?</li>
</ul>

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<p>Betsy is very lucky she was not hurt. The whole situation is so sad! I am sure the roomies parents must have known that she had major mental issues before they sent her off to often one of the most stressful events I can think of. I wonder if they thought it would be good for her to have a change of scenery or if maybe her problems escalated suddenly with the stress of adjusting to college?</p>

<p>I would hope the roomies parents would offer to pay for the damage or that her dorm deposit can be held to cover the damage. I would also insist on having the locks changed and would possibly consider getting a restraining order if the girl is from a nearby area. A very scary situation for Betsy!</p>

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<p>takeitallin, I wondered how much the parents knew about her state before sending her to school too. Right now, I’ll bet their hands are pretty full dealing with there daughter and the last thing on their mind is reimbursing Betsy for her damaged property. Eventually I think they should think about that, but for now probably not a priority to them.</p>

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<p>^^^Very true! I can’t imagine what they are going through right now. I hope the school can help steer them in the right direction to get help as they may not know where to turn.</p>

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<p>That is just too scary! So glad Betsy is OK. It’s a little thing, but would the psycho roomie be responsible for replacing anything of Betsy’s that was damaged? I mean, it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth, OTOH, psycho roomie needs to be held accountable for her actions on some level, IMHO.
ETA: Didn’t see PoP’s post. Sorry.</p>

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<p>@ Cobrat - as long as roomie is a danger to herself or others (the standard by which eligiblity for a mental hygiene warrant in our state is judged), I don’t think she’d be allowed back on campus. Afterwards, I’m not so sure. I know if I were this girl’s mother, I wouldn’t allow her to show her face within a 10-mile radius of that campus again.</p>

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<p>Wow, wow. When you hear a story like this you just wonder how these kids end up in a sleep away college. Fortunately it sounds like the RM will get the mental health services needed. I agree also that Betsy is fortunate she was not hurt and I also agree she needs to get the locks changed right away. I would hope that the parents of the roommate would “think” to offer money to replace the damaged items without being prompted and I would hope the college doesn’t let the student back in for a long time if ever…regardless of the mental state of the student, vicious destruction of property is inexcusable.</p>

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<p>It’s only September. </p>

<p>Why let the college or the roomie have ANY discretion about if and when she comes back. Seek a restraining order against roomie, inform the school, file a claim in small claims court for the stuff, and get on with the semester.</p>

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<p>I think a formal restraining order would be in order ASAP.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry the situation got so scary. On the other hand, apparently this is what it took to get the RA/etc involved, and I assume that going forward the situation will be supervised…sounds like by Betsey getting a new roommate or having the room to herself.</p>

<p>I sold insurance for awhile in my 20’s and at the beginning, went to a three week training, staying at a hotel where I was roomed with another trainee. The woman seemed nice enough at first, but then began referring to the room being bugged and helicopters and other kinds of paranoid stuff. I told my supervisor back at home about the situation because roomie had started to suggest that I might be in on this surveillance. I was moved to a different room and she left the training soon after.</p>

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<p>While that’s true, Betsy’s parents shouldn’t wait too long as:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Roommate’s parents may use the long wait to try stalling further on responsibility.</p></li>
<li><p>Better to gauge the level of conscientiousness/responsibility on part of roommate’s parents sooner rather than later. Was on another forum where a man who thought he knew his longtime next-door neighbors and trusted them enough to allow them a spare key to his house found out that when their son was caught stealing some of his valuables to the point he felt the need to report it to the police to straighten that son out, those neighbors stalled, refused to take proactive responsibility for their son’s crimes, and went ballistic on him when they found he filed a police report as he’s entitled…and IMO should have done considering the extensive theft involved. </p></li>
<li><p>Their primary responsibility is to Betsy and to replace the damaged/destroyed property. While it’s a mark of humanity to have empathy for roommate’s parents, the roommate did act violently and the consequences of her actions are primarily on her and due to her impaired mental state, on her parents. </p></li>
<li><p>Possible statute of limitation concerns.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>How sad that the roommates behavior escalated to that. Very glad she is getting help. </p>

<p>I guess if it was my D I would be glad that the roommate was gone and I wouldn’t be too worried about her things. They are just things and can be replaced. I would be glad that the school acted and the situation sounds remedied. I would talk to the school and make sure what was going to happen to the roommate and that she would not be able to be in contact with my daughter. </p>

<p>It makes you wonder how these kids get in this situation. I mean who thought it was a good idea for this kid to go away to school. And it makes me worried about the parents who let a child like this be someone’s roommate. I guess that is why I wouldn’t ask for them to reimburse me, I would be afraid of how the parents would act.</p>

<p>I would be glad it was over and would not want any more contact with anything to do with the roommate or her family.</p>

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<p>Holy crap!!!</p>

<p>I would want to change rooms if I were Betsy. At the very least, I agree with advice about changing the locks and removing roomie’s stuff. RA or hall personnel can take care of that and have it ready for roomie’s parents to pickup. </p>

<p>I’d also want a restraining order.</p>