<p>i agree with ur point on this.</p>
<p>Its not clear why you are paying in the first place if the older daughter isnt interested in helping herself. But I guess hope springs eternal. </p>
<p>There is no reason to be scrupulously even in the money down to the penny. If you are so inclined you can make up the difference in your will.</p>
<p>Being able to get along and be a people person can be an amazing benefit in life in general and in a career.</p>
<p>What poetgrl said- to me, the thing is getting each kid what he or she needs, the “right” opportunity, what works best for each. If “right” for one is school x and for the other is school y, within the family budget, you do what you can. </p>
<p>And, that’s what I read into post #1- one is best suited for one sort of school and the other is suited (or so it seems, today) for another sort of opportunity. Maybe you neither up what you pay for #1 or short what you give #2.</p>
<p>As for the unexpected successes, totally agree. Who says the high school format tells us all we need to know about kids’ intelligences and potential? It’s just what you observe in that context, at that age, among those peers, with the limited opportunities.</p>
<p>Yes. Because at that she there is huge benefit to being an in the box thinker and a rule follower. Not saying all the best high school students are, but there is little reward to divergent creative thinking, little reward for excess energy and enthusiasm. </p>
<p>There are a lot of qualities to success that are in fact punished in High school. Collaboration. Delegation. Finding effective shortcuts. Boundless energy. </p>
<p>Social behavior. Networking. Etc.</p>
<p>^there should be a like button.</p>
<p>Great stuff in this thread. </p>
<p>Blossom in post 38 - you just never know where the road may lead.</p>
<p>Poetgrl in post 65 - high school only values a subset of things that may make you successful in life.</p>
<p>We never tried to be equal in all facets of our kids lives. They each need different things at different times. We tried to be supportive, in whatever form that took.</p>
<p>If the younger one needed a wheelchair, would you buy one for the older one just so they should be “equal”?</p>
<p>We don’t try to be equal with our kids, but give and treat each based on their needs, wants, and trying to be supportive. If started at a young age, then we hope it trains them to not cry “Not fair” as they age, but you never know for sure.</p>
<p>Thus, would give the $5K per year to the younger. I would probably do it in the form of a loan, and then when it comes time to start paying down the loan, then I would pull D2 aside and privately forgive the loan.</p>
<p>The very thought of equal money for college for each of the kids never ever entered our minds, or the minds of the kids either. We tried (and succeeded) to give each of our kids what they individually needed. In our household, financial equality would never have even been part of the discussion, or even thought process.</p>
<p>Of course, “individual needs” need to be considered in a way that the people will consider reasonably fair, even if the money allocated differs. There have been posts about parents willing to pay for college for low performing boys but not high performing girls, or other criteria that ends up breeding resentment.</p>
<p>You know, the easy, no brainer way is to just say, “We’ll pay for college. If it goes over XX amount, then you need to get loans for that.” Then make the XX amount the higher expected number for the younger sister, whatever that ends up being.</p>
<p>I think most parents who intend to pay for college…pay for college. Without complicating things by putting an exact number on it, as nothing goes as planned. I sincerely doubt that most kids compare how much their parents spend, and don’t even know the exact numbers.</p>
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<p>Perhaps one of the more common unplanned expenses is the student needing an extra semester or few. Probably most parents believe that their kids will take eight semesters to graduate from college, but the reality is that, unless the students have academic stats that look possibly competitive for the most selective colleges, the chance of eight semester graduation is actually fairly low.</p>
<p>Anecdote is not evidence, of course, but my d. with lowish academish stats that ranked in her in the bottom 15% of her entering class (and not at a “most selective” institution either) finished in six, and had her masters degree after four year (while working the last year close to full time). </p>
<p>This will also vary by institution in terms of how difficult they make this - it is likely more difficult at large state unis these days.</p>
<p>It has never occurred to us to spend equal amounts on each of our children. We just provide what they need when they need it. Some years, one child may need a lot more than the other. I’ve never added it up to see if they came out even because I don’t think it matters. My job as a parent is to provide the support our kids need to thrive (including paying for their education) and to pass along our values.</p>
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<p>Parents who have tight budget constraints may have to decide college budgets somewhat speculatively.</p>
<p>For example, as the first kid enters college, how much can they spend on the first kid without “unfairly” limiting subsequent kid(s)? In many cases, they may not know whether the subsequent kid(s) are likely to go to low cost school(s), or whether his/her academic goals and needs leave only higher cost choices available.</p>
<p>Given that these decisions may have to be made speculatively, it is easy to get them “wrong”. Of course, the decision becomes easier if the first kid chooses a low cost school, but what if the first kid finds that their academic goals and needs fit only high cost schools?</p>
<p>I have read plenty of unhappy threads on this board every spring, where parents and kids are trying to come to terms with the good news/bad news that Junior got into the school of his dreams but cannot afford to go. One of the great things this board can do for a proactive, early parent is help them get past the misleading message from so many other sources, that “money doesn’t matter; you can go to college wherever you want; all ya gotta do is believe”. Parents can then help the kid come to terms with reality while it’s still theoretical, and not yet too upsetting to face facts.</p>
<p>If you know you are a full payor family, and yet you are not in the financial bracket where each kid can go wherever they like for six years, with no concern about financial consequences, then you must manage expectation among your kids and guide them financially, even as they are looking at schools. The clearest way to do this, is to give them dollar amounts for their anticipated college budgets, per kid, while they are still well in HS. Would you expect them not to discuss this with each other, or in front of each other, if they are close in age? Would you expect a bunch of teenage employees to remain silent about bonuses at work? Would you expect them not to realize what it means, financially, if one is looking at pricey private LACs, and the other would like to look at those same schools, but has been told to look at state directionals?</p>
<p>I believe that part of the maturational process is for them to use their critical thinking skills, and participate, on the single biggest financial transaction that they will probably be involved in until they buy a house. (College is a bigger transaction, in a sense, because you don’t have a hard asset to resell.) I think kids from such families should know the budget, should know generally the sticker prices for different schools and types of schools, understand how the actual price might vary, and for whom, and why, think realistically about the potential benefits of different programs and schools, and know what it will cost them in life (or cost their parents in retirement) if other choices are made.</p>
<p>I have 3 girls. All have very different needs, interests, and abilities. Each has a reasonable and economical “plan” that makes sense and of sorts that fits those needs interests and abilities. I help with finances that support that plan for each. The plans have different price tags associated. I don’t try to make up for the financial inequality.</p>
<p>My older son really wanted to NOT go to our in-state public flagship, and his dream school would have cost us close to 250K. He wound up at a very expensive school where he also got a substantial scholarship. This is a child that would own one pair of shoes if I let him, so he’s not usually a big spender/materialistic kid.
My younger son wants to go to our state flagship, because he knows it’s a great value, and je has taken summer programs there. He is a senior and has never said anything about expecting anything extra because we are paying so much for his brother. I have spent much more on clothes and shoes for this guy, but that doesn’t compare to college cost. Maybe at some other point I will help him when he needs it, but there’s no guarantee or expectation.</p>
<p>Post #77–but that is not the scenario that you laid out. You didn’t say that one school was a pricey private full pay LAC, and the other one was a state directional. You said that the difference was only 5K/yr for a specialized program. That is within the rate of inflation, even, if the kids are a few years apart.</p>
<p>If you are determined to set a dollar number to teach the kids a lesson in budgeting, (unless your intention is for them to take loans), why not set the limit a little higher, to cover the special program or additional semesters if needed. How will you change the number based on the fact that college costs increase every year, and it would be impossible to pay the same amount a few years later? Will it be acceptable to you if kid #2 changes her major to a different program, to stay within the budget?</p>