Unhappy freshman

Parents Forum
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<p>Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Will Hunting attended any school until after the end of the movie (when I assume he went off to Stanford with his girlfriend). He was a night janitor at MIT. Point being - according to that movie it doesn’t really matter whether you matriculate to this or that school - you make your own learning experience. Not that I fully concur with that notion, but I think that was the point of view of the movie.</p>

<p>But that’s really neither here nor there. If he just doesn’t like it he should transfer. But he should make sure his feelings about his current school don’t cause a malaise affecting his academic performance because it might matter if he wants to transfer.</p>

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<p>^I think maybe she means that her son thought college would be a one on one experience, brilliant professor coaches brilliant student privately against a leafy-Ivy setting. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, no college is like that. He’s only a month in, so encourage him to keep trying and find ways to improve his experience. If his classes are too easy, that should leave him with more time to be involved on campus. He could get a job, get more involved in his student organizational activities, etc. Instead of just accepting misery, choose to have a good attitude. If nothing else, it will make the time go by more pleasantly. If by winter break he still really wants to transfer, agree to support him (with the usual provisos about him needing to transfer to a school you can afford, etc.)</p>

<p>I also agree with others here, emphasize to him that in order to have the best opportunity to transfer, particular if he’s looking for an elite, Harvard type experience at a private college, he’s going to need to get good grades, so he should really invest in those classes.</p>

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<p>I am certain that if this kid is as smart as he claims, the UIUC can find plenty to challenge him. There are few better STEM schools in the world. Maybe the profs have not recognized his awesome talents just yet.</p>

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<p>I don’t feel enough information has been given to really say anything about this situation.</p>

<p>Did parents urge this school for financial reasons? </p>

<p>Was he concerned with prestige,a s so many are these days/</p>

<p>What is the son’s learning style? Would he be happier with small discussion classes?</p>

<p>What is his social style, for lack of a better term? Is he a sports person, artsy, conventional, artsy, etc?</p>

<p>How far from home is this school, and is that a factor? Is he homesick?</p>

<p>Even at Harvard, many students talk about leaving, the first half of freshman year. </p>

<p>For some, taking time off is a good thing. For some, staying is the best thing. And for some, leaving and transferring is best.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions about the need for counseling, though talking things out with someone might be helpful in his own decision-making. But sometimes a school really doesn’t fit. In that case, the parents can say, “too bad,” or they can encourage a change. It depends, I think.</p>

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<p>Firstly, thanks so much for all of the encouraging replies; the support, thoughts, advice, stories are all very much appreciated. </p>

<p>I agree, Adad; I would do well to simply let my son handle. He would even agree with you! However, I can’t, as a mom, just sit back. It breaks my heart that he is so miserable, and I am doing what I can to be supportive of a transfer if that is what he wants to do. By the time I get son #3 to college, I am sure I will be much less involved!</p>

<p>It is the University of Illinois in Champaign, gator. We, too, thought “what’s not to like?”! </p>

<p>Because of the AP credits that were recently applied, he will register for next semester as a sophomore. I am hoping that will provide a few options that will interest him.</p>

<p>Largely, though, I think he had his mind up before he started. Admittedly, it has been only a month. However, if you start something set with a particular mindset, it is often very difficult to allow yourself to see anything other than that about which you have convinced yourself. </p>

<p>We have explained to him that while we are paying for U of I, the other schools he is considering are more than the 30k we’re spending on U of I. He will have to obtain loans, etc to make up the difference. He, at 18, cannot appreciate the luxury of graduating from a good school with zero debt. Kills me to let him go down that financial path, but I suppose he has to learn.</p>

<p>At the end of the day, I think between his defeated attitude and not truly identifying what it was he wanted from a college, he will end up transferring out. As long as he is happier, I am fine with it. Right now, he is concentrating on making himself as attractive as possible for a transfer admission. My hope, though, is that by the end of the year, he realizes that he will get out of U of I what he puts into it. He is responsible, to a large degree, for creating his experience. Doesn’t change the “fit” issue, though, which we underestimated.
Btw, I am looking into a counselor for him to see while he is down there…</p>

<p>Any admission tips for transfers??? Thanks again, fellow parents.</p>

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<p>Barons & compmom,
I so agree that U of I has plenty to offer in way of a challenge. Sadly, I think he was so caught up in the rankings & prestige of certain schools, that anything less indicates failure. I wish his self-esteem would not rest on saying, " I go to…". </p>

<p>U of I is ranked the #45 university in the country (using the same rationale that I wish my son hadn’t!). His first choice is #11, I believe. I am trying to steer him away from overall rankings and instead focus on the type of environment that appeals to him and the programs that are best suited to him. HE CAN’T SEEM TO GET PAST THE SILLY RANKING SYSTEM, THOUGH! It is truly making me crazy, as I know he is overlooking some schools that would be a great fit, but they just don’t “rank”.</p>

<p>Other parents with kids who are too consumed with the rank of their choices? I have encouraged him, in his transfer research, to find schools with similarities to his original first choice and go from there - despite rank or prestige. But he’s 18. He is way smarter than his parents.</p>

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<p>My D called me hysterical in the first weeks of her freshman year. She hated her school - it was not even her safety, it was her dead last choice. I made her go to the school counselor because I told her they would not judge her and that they had dealt with many other kids who felt the same way.</p>

<p>Two years later, she is active and involved. She is an RA, in 2 bands and 2 singing groups, she was invited to solo at the recent Parents’ weekend, has tons of friends and was named Volunteer of the Year one year.</p>

<p>She called her HS guidance counselor last year as she was the person who suggested this school and thanked her!</p>

<p>Maybe your son’s school will never work for him and if that’s the case, I would bring him home at mid year and enroll him in CC while he does transfer apps. If,OTOH, you think it’s an adjustment issue, encourage him to seek counseling. Once my D realized she was not the only kid who felt that way, she became much more relaxed.</p>

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<p>Thanks, Joan. Glad that it worked out for your daughter! My son did go to see an academic counselor at U of I; he was advised that a transfer was probably best! Again, once his mind was made up…
I just wish he would have continued looking for schools, then, instead of admitting defeat and going the safety route ( I wish we would have recognized that he was actually doing that). He was too narrow-minded in his initial search. I can only hope that he actually learns something from the process and considers more carefully this time…</p>

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<p>Gator hit the nail on the head “He is still upset about not getting into the college of his choice.”</p>

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<p>Agreed, bowtie. But now what? :(</p>

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<p>Don’t beat yourself up about it, never2late. Sometimes there is no way around the bog, you just have to go through it. And this is my best metaphor for dealing with teenagers making major life decisions! :wink: </p>

<p>Just keep in mind, and I know you are, that this is a learning experience, and puts you and your son ahead of where you were before. Progress!</p>

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<p>While U of I is a great school, I could easily see a student not being happy there. If a student is more of a small school & small class size kid, U of I would not be a good fit.</p>

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<p>did the counsellor not give any other options…just… maybe a transfer is best?</p>

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<p>Counselor simply said a transfer seemed the best solution. Granted, we have no idea what exactly our son said to the counselor.<br>
My son really thought a big school was not a factor. Hindsight - a smaller school would have been a better fit.<br>
Any thoughts, experiences, opinions about a LAC instead of a university? Truthfully ignorant about that option; we never considered anything but a university. Thoughts?<br>
Thanks so much!</p>

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<p>when he was choosing colleges , what was his top pick? and what do you remember him saying about it that made it stand out to him? what qualities or programs? what size was it?.. to support him but also to let this be “what he thinks will work” i would ask him to come up with a list…and take a back seat on the actual selection of one (mind you once i had that list i would be reading alot about it LOL)… give him an idea of financial framework (what is doable) firstso he doesnt select one that cant be considered due to finances . I dont have any clue about transferring and time frames etc…wish there was a way to wait a bit before he starts putting all his thoughts towards a different school rather than seeing if there is actually something at his current school he could make work… but i think you are doing a great job trying to support him!</p>

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<p>Parent56, his top pick was Northwestern. Devastated when he didn’t get in. Wait-listed at Michigan Ann Arbor, but as soon as he didn’t get into NU, withdrew app to Michigan and went with safety school (U of I). Way too reactive!<br>
I am encouraging him to select schools that have profiles similar to Northwestern, but it has been very difficult to determine if he liked NU for its attributes or just for the name… I am trying to take a backseat and let him work this out (to the degree that I am able). That’s why I am here (on this site), so I can feel as if I am doing something, while not taking over and “fixing” this for him! :)</p>

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<p>to use his mindset re ranking what are the top ranked schools for his major…maybe look at a list of those? you know your son and if ranking is important then you may have to work with that. i still have hope though as it seems too early to make a decision about transferring :)</p>

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<p>parent 56, I just PM’d you.</p>

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<p>Hi OP mom
I don’t know much about big Unis esp. midwest but out of LACs I saw, I loved loved Knox.
I can’t point out why. I just did.
too bad I am not my kid who could have gone.</p>

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<p>OK here goes my hard nosed approach. Bottom line is this: he is not happy. He wants out. So since he is so determined in getting out tell him to make good grades and work on transfering to another school.</p>

<p>Just tell him to do whatever he needs to do to transfer out. But he had better be 100% certain that this is what he wants to do. Because if this does not work out he is going to the local cc.</p>

<p>And if this move is going to cost you more money. He needs to know that he will have to get a student loan that he will have to repay.</p>

<p>Just get serious he wants to make an adult decision. Then he has to be an adult.</p>

<p>Also have him write down the top 5 reasons he wanted to attend the school that turned him down. By doing this he will have a guideline by which to choose school #2. If the #1 reason was prestige or academic status? Then he needs to realize that 99% of the other schools are not going to be as prestigous. He must be realistic in his expectations.</p>

<p>And OP/concerned MOM no matter how bad this may seem to you and your husband. Keep one thing in mind you are not faced with a life threatening decision. Your son has his health. So just regroup and start over. After all he is ahead of his peers you have the time. Just start over and get him what he thinks he needs.</p>

<p>This maybe the best life lesson he will learn in his first 18 years of life.</p>