Unhappy student

Parents Forum
61

<ol>
<li><p>I am pretty sure I know which college the OP is talking about, too, and I know several people who have had a similar experience there. They were not necessarily unhappy – they liked the party atmosphere – but they weren’t particularly challenged, either. As time went on, and their interests sharpened, the classes got more challenging and they were more academically engaged, and things worked out OK for almost all of them. But drinking the Kool-Aid about public honors colleges is as silly as going ga-ga for the Ivies. </p></li>
<li><p>I hate hate hate hate hate . . . hate hate the constant theme, in the OP’s posts and in countless other posts by students here – and just wait until next week! – to the effect that admission to Harvard or wherever is what would validate all their hard work and achievement in high school. No. What validates all your hard work and achievement in high school is what you learn and achieve in high school, what kind of person you become. It is a recipe for self-destruction to look to college admissions offices for validation of how you spend your life. Even if you dodge the bullet this time by getting admitted to some dream school or another, you are still an accident waiting to happen. (Not to mention an agglomeration of mixed-metaphor cliches.) </p></li>
</ol>

<p>The mother would object, I am sure, that she is just reporting how her daughter feels. But there is plenty of that attitude in the mother’s posts, and I get the sense that she has encouraged her daughter in those feelings. Suggesting that her daughter should have done more community service, as if what she did wasn’t worthwhile because she didn’t get accepted at HYPS! Looking for hope in stories of successful transfers to high prestige colleges! That’s wrong! Stop it! </p>

<p>And all you other parents out there, you stop it too, now, before it’s too late. Because lots of your kids are not going to be accepted at their dream schools, and some of those accepted won’t be able to attend because of things like your finances. Lots of them will be going to public honors colleges where a bunch of the kids drink, smoke dope, and sexile their roommates from time to time. (Stuff they would have seen plenty of at Harvard, had they gone there, by the way.) You aren’t going to want them to feel like failures and to cry themselves to sleep every night. You aren’t going to want them to self-medicate. </p>

<p>You want them to have the attitude and the character to succeed, to dig out the juiciest parts of whatever university they attend and suck them dry. And whatever university they attend will have plenty of juicy parts. But teach them to get their validation from within, and from real achievement, not from the fake achievement of winning the selective college lottery and getting to wear a hoodie with a famous name.</p>

<ol>
<li> Bard is a great idea. So is Rochester. So is Johns Hopkins. For what it’s worth, the kids from my kids’ high school who followed an Ivy-or-Bust college strategy tended to use the honors college at Pitt rather than Penn State as their safety, because they thought it was a more interesting place to be. And those were some intellectually impressive, and engaged, kids.</li>
</ol>

62

<p>First semester freshman year is the “partiest” time. Often if mellows 2nd semester (after dismal grades fall grades and during tougher spring classes). Then after that many students move off campus and find their social life geared around their like-minded roommates.</p>

<p>If OP’s DD decides to submit transfer applications, I think she should include plenty of choices that are not “lottery schools”.</p>

63

<p>

</p>

<p>Completely agree!</p>

64

<p>“At her current school she is pursuing a major in Physics and minor in violin performance.”</p>

<p>She’d fit right in at Smith. (Bard is great, but physics?)</p>

65

<p>Bard was in the process of beefing up it’s science offerings and had a shiny new and very cool looking science building when my younger son was looking (2010). However it’s in the middle of nowhere and the only kid I know who attended (a musician) left because he felt insufficiently challenged by the academics. I like its approach to academics, but my kid couldn’t get out of there fast enough.</p>

66

<p>I don’t know anything about physics, but here are a few senior projects from Bard’s physics program: [Bard</a> College | Physics Program | Senior Projects](<a href=“http://physics.bard.edu/seniorprojects/]Bard”>Physics Senior Projects)</p>

<p>And their music program is top shelf.</p>

67

<p>Couldn’t agree with you more JHS. Another repeat-worthy post.</p>

68

<p>To be fair to the OP and her daughter, if anyone was drinking admissions Kool Aid, it seems the guidance counselor might have been drinking it too. Honors colleges can vary from program to program. Large state universities have many niches, and an honors college is one of them. I don’t think they are intended to replace the Ivy’s but they can offer opportunities to high caliber students. They can be a good value for students who can not afford another option, and some students and families might prefer them. However, they are still part of the overall college, which also needs to be a good fit in other ways for the student. Since they vary so much, it’s important to look at each one for fit.
No matter how good, or not so good this one is, it doesn’t matter if it isn’t what the student wants. I think it can meet her needs if she decides it can, but her family has the means for her to transfer if she chooses that too.</p>

69

<p>Some of the heaviest drinkers and biggest partiers my daughter knows live on the honors floor.</p>

70

<p>It makes no sense to “blame” anyone. If the OP’s D wants to transfer she can. She has good grades and there are certainly places that would accept her. She should figure out potential colleges that meet her criteria, knowing what she knows now about a big U and prepare transfer apps. She doesn’t need to accept anything unless she wants to. On surface it sounds like 1) she hasn’t found her tribe and 2) she doesn’t care for the curriculum .at her current university. Both seem solvable one way or another.</p>

71

<p>I appreciate all suggestions and advice received. Having a happy, healthy child is what matters most. We will contemplate all transfer options if that is what she feels inclined to do. I’m hoping that winter break might bring some positive thoughts.</p>

72

<p>Also, thank you to the people who emailed me directly, your kind words meant a lot!</p>

73

<p>You know, I have read that there is a syndrome of depression for some of those kids who DO get in to Harvard etc. They have spent their high school years, sometimes many other years, on getting in and once in, have trouble adjusting to actually being there. Making “getting in” a focus leads to the emptiness already cited, whether a student get in or doesn’t get in.
Of course some just continue in the same way, resume building, joining organizations to get leadership positions, and go on to a selective med school or finance position. For some, it never ends. It may be that this is a really good experience for your daughter, who can perhaps now be herself without wondering if she will be accepted or not.</p>

74

<p>There are plenty of partiers and drinkers everywhere. One thing to keep in mind is that many students move off campus soon after that, and can choose who they live with. Most of them can find reasonable housing with single rooms, or get a single on campus. Apartments are in groups of 2-4, not a hall full of students. They can be quieter.
Wherever the student wants to transfer, it’s a good idea to ask about housing options and off campus housing. Some colleges have dorms for upper classmen and apartment style housing that could be quieter than freshman dorms.</p>

75

<p>There are HUGE differences in partying and drinking campus to campus.
They are often more different than similar in that regard.</p>

76

<p>Where is the best place to find out about which campuses don’t party much?</p>

77

<p>There may be more or less partying on different campuses, but the point I was trying to make is that no matter where the student is, getting an apartment or apartment style housing with quiet room mates is probably preferable to a dorm for someone who wants to avoid partiers.</p>

78

<p>

</p>

<p>Thank you! That bothered me too. “Indeed, you weren’t good enough – so let’s throw some community service to show them that you are worthwhile.” No. You’re worthwhile regardless. Being able to put together a reasonably competitive application for a top school – being in the reasonable running, whether or not the admissions gods shine on you – is accomplishment in and of itself.</p>

79

<p>I am late to this party and haven’t read all threads, but is there a substance free dorm she can look into?</p>

80

<p>She’s in an honors dorm at a large state university, but even if she moved, it isn’t just the party scene that is bothering her.
I think the OP has heard many points of view, some bothersome, some not. What she has on her hands is an unhappy girl pondering her options- to transfer or not, and if transferring, where?
It’s not always an all or none answer. What the student has to lose is the ground she has made with physics research, something graduate programs consider, along with grades, classes, recommendations and the physics GRE score. Since much physics research is conducted at large state universities, the student is in a place where that is available. While the first physics class is not very challenging, surely the classes will get more challenging in time, and weaker students will leave the major.
However, the student had hoped for a different college, and sees this one as a poor fit, and also as having failed her own dreams, even if this college has some merits, and the student is certainly stellar. She’s done exceptionally well, but it’s how she sees herself. She also has not found like minded students as friends. College is four years, but the diploma is forever. Will she never be proud of it or herself? If so, then a transfer is the better idea. There are plenty of other places to study physics and music to choose from. These are questions that only she and her family can answer.</p>