University Of California Prompt 1-Please rate

College Essays
1

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Living in Dhaka, capital of one of the least economically developed countries in the world, made me a witness of the effects of poverty and economic instability on a country and it’s people. Bangladesh has been plagued by political instability, overpopulation, high crime rate, pollution and alarming rate of inflation and unemployment since it’s independence. Growing up in Bangladesh has given me the objective and determination to make the world a better place and studying in a prestigious university will help me achieve this goal.
Most people of Bangladesh have to endure intense suffering and hardship in their lives. The streets of Bangladesh are often filled with beggars requesting money from anyone they can see and rarely their requests are granted. They lack the necessary qualifications to find available work in the economy which leads to lack of money and proper shelter. They beg for money to survive and to ensure survival for their families and survive they often do not. Death from starvation is common, as is death from cold in the winter season, crime, and a high infant mortality rate, all of which stems from poverty.
I have worked as a volunteer in a human rights group and witnessed firsthand the trials and tribulations young children have to go through to improve the financial state of their families. Children as young as five are encouraged and sometimes forced by their parents to abandon their education and start working to improve the family’s income. Long working hours and hazardous working conditions make their lives even harder and more miserable. These children have the hunger to learn and get a proper education but they do not have any choice to shape their future their own way. Their families, especially single mothers cannot afford to pay for a proper education and so, these children are unwillingly employed in child labour.
Bangladesh is just one country with these problems. Various countries are in an even worse state. It is my goal in life to try my best to make the world a better place and improve the lives of the many inhabitants struggling with their lives. How much of a difference can I make? The journey will be a long one and studying in the University of California can give me the best possible head start.</p>

2

<p>Guys please I need help. Just some feedback and criticism.</p>

3

<p>It’s 7-8 out of 10. The only problem I see you make a lot of claims. Even if these are true, the statement would be more powerful if you talked about events. Specifically your actions in these events or reactions to them.</p>

<p>e.g.</p>

<p>" Long working hours and hazardous working conditions make their lives even harder and more miserable. These children have the hunger to learn and get a proper education but they do not have any choice to shape their future their own way."</p>

<p>It would be much powerful if you talked about how your friend was starving and had to work long hours in a warehouse to feed himself.</p>

4

<p>Thank you very much. I made some changes based on what you said a will submit it tomorrow.</p>

5

<p>5-6/10</p>

<p>with geogrpahically specific admissions specialists, they’re gonna be reading a lot of this ‘i grew up poor, witnessed poverty and want to help people’ without changing it too dramatically as it’s pretty late, maybe be more specific in your ambitions and make the poverty you see more personal.</p>

<p>it’s written decently though.</p>