<p>I was wondering if there is loose kind of ettiquite in visiting you son or daughter at school? I've heard many people over the years, that had children within 2 hours of home, visiting for lunch, dinner, birthday celebrations, or just taking them home for the weekend. (no students had cars) Do you usually go into the dorm or meet outside? I might be bringing a table for a TV or stereo (that didn't fit in car)and will probably help bring it in, but overall, do you feel you are an "intruder" in you go? I feel like my D would have to warn her floor, "Parent approaching!" : ) Not a big deal, but I wondered how other parents handled it from hearing about a mom cleaning her kids room (again!) and another waiting at the entrance. Thanks for any feedback.</p>
<p>I'm just a parent, but I know that when I visited my older S at college, he was glad to show me around the dorm, etc. It's not as if parents are pariahs.</p>
<p>I also know that when I was a student myself, it was normal for parents to visit their kids in their dorm room.</p>
<p>Just don't show up unannounced. My uncle dropped by to see my cousin and found her in bed with her boyfriend. That was embarassing. The students usually like to clean up their rooms before parents come.</p>
<p>Parents who visit and then do things like clean their kids' rooms or help their kids pack are over the top parents whose actions result in ridicule for their students, no matter how happy their kids are to get that kind of help. I had a friend whose mom used to do that. Everyone thought my friend was a spoiled baby, which she was.</p>
<p>Parents who bring goodies to share are beloved by all as are parents who take roomies and friends out to dinner with their own student.</p>
<p>Enjoy your visit!</p>
<p>We will be going next Saturday for a football game and expect to spend an hour or so in the dorm room taking care of business (bringing needed items, finance stuff, etc.). S hasn't expressed any concern about us coming into his room.</p>
<p>My daughter's dorm is supposed to be locked, so when I visit her I call her from my cell phone when I'm close so she'll come out and meet me. But I think that's logistics rather than etiquette. I once got there earlier than expected and she was still in class, so I introduced myself to a student who then let me into the building. (Granted I was also carrying a box of pastries!) But I wouldn't go into her room without her being there, just like I wouldn't do so at home</p>
<p>I agree that advance notice is an essential part of a successfull visit! I'd also let the student set the parameters for where to meet and whether to visit the room, although my oldest daughter, FAR from neat, actually always had us come in for a while. We were rarely on campus except for move-in/out and Parent's Weekend. </p>
<p>We always especially enjoyed taking a bunch of kids out for lunch or dinner - I think it's hard to go wrong etiquette-wise if a nice meal is included!</p>
<p>The type of things that parents do with their kids that are within 2 hours are typical- my parents do that for my birthday, football/hockey games, etc. Sometimes if they're on their way up from the south, they'll stop by for dinner if they have time before heading home.</p>
<p>It's definitely wise to let your D/S know ahead of time that you're coming, especially if their schedules are jam-packed (that they have to schedule in your phone calls!). If you get there early, just wander around the campus like a visitor until your D/S is ready to meet you. Definitely expect an attempt to clean the room by the child :) No matter how messy my roommates got, they managed to get their stuff together in time! It'll be kind of awkward for your D/S to give you some rules because there's a shift in balance of power such as don't leave the room while they're in the bathroom taking a quick shower.</p>
<p>And while you're at it... please, please try not to point out every single fault in terms of their cleaning habits (like cheerios all over the desk or clothes scrunched into their dressers) because otherwise it just kills the kid's independent ego. One or two things are enough.</p>
<p>Overall, just enjoy your visit and don't overstay your welcome!</p>
<p>I don't think my S ever thought he had to warn others we're coming, though of course we'd never show up unannounced. We can't go right up to the room; he has to come down and sign us in, but then we normally go up. Other students don't seem to register parents around one way or the other, unless they know us and then we get big greetings.</p>
<p>I don't think you can visit your child unannounced. At every school I know, the dorms are locked from the outside, and the individual rooms also have locks. When I go to my son's campus (an hour from home), I call his cell phone, and he either comes out to the car or lets me into his building. I would never go to see him without making arrangements in advance, though. But then, I come from a family in which nobody ever visits anybody unannounced.</p>
<p>My son is at a college that has a national draw but happens to be closer to us than our state flagship college. I try to gear our visits to fit in with the culture of his college which is more made up of pretty independent students who fly in and are unlikely to see their folks except on Parents Weekends and holidays. This was his sophomore year, and although he is chummy with parents of his buddies, I noted that fewer parents were involved with moving in than I would have thought. Many kids just had boxes delivered to their doors and took care of everything solo. My son was most gracious on Parent weekend but we sort of pretend we are not only 3 hours away other weekends, although I would like to see him a bit more for a meal or whatever. We did go down to see him in music performances and snuck in quick meals a couple extra times but few parents were there and we did not make appearances in dorms. On these occasions, it is best to let your kid choose a venue and a time frame.</p>
<p>This is a bit of a trial for me as the families in our neighborhood see a LOT more of their kids in the state universities, and in fact parents around here are more likely to be alum at the state universities and have extra reasons from their own social lives to show up for football and sports and alum events. It is also true that the kids at our state universities pop home for a night more often and are more connected to the home town in the college years. Traffic between our town and Virginia's state universities from parents is lively, and we are using restraint to remove ourselves as our son's college town is also actually very familiar turf for us. </p>
<p>My observations are that family personalities define things like visits and cell phone and email contact. And there really is not a norm to strive for. Some kids are just uninhibited and open hearted and not at all threatened by frequent contact and others really need their physical space to become autonomous.</p>
<p>We called him when we got to Troy and met him at the Union or outside the dorm. Then again, we only were there twice frosh year, on . We only went into the dorm on move in and move out day.</p>
<p>We visited a number of times since we're only about 30 minutes away. We'd only visit at pre-arranged times though and would always call once we got there. Even when she was in an on-campus apartment with an outside door, we never just showed up and knocked on the door. I assume she let her roommates know first but I'm not sure. My D was not embarrassed at all by having us show up.</p>
<p>When we did show up, it was usually to bring her home for a weekend or to just take her to lunch somewhere. Note - we didn't do this every weekend - it was the exception.</p>
<p>D had a dial on her door to let people know where she was- of course she might have forgotten to update it.( she didn't have a roommate)
* it was really cute- it told where she would be- or if she was in her room- and if she could be disturbed or if she would eat you if you knocked*
If I went to her dorm ( they were usually locked- but I knew others in her dorm & they would let me in) I would just wait in the common room for her.
Although I could also hang out in the cafeteria or the bookstore or if I really wanted to find her I could go to her lab or the computer center.
Along with move in/out day, we also visited midwinter and spring breaks for my younger daughter, who was apparently mistaken for a college student ( if she wasn't so giggly)* she is tall*
It was always prearranged, and it was more common that I took younger D down with or without a friend to visit, than for just me to visit. I would usually enjoy my time around Portland or even just hanging out in the hotel room, although I would occasionally take some kids out to dinner or order food.
We didnt' really go Parents weekend, time wise older D was amazingly busy with papers, and younger D was busy with school and sports.
But I am glad, since we have little extended family, that D was close enough that her sister could go down and visit. In fact she just returned yesterday by train from a visit & her sister even took her back to school shopping!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the ideas, I would never go unannounced and at this point, don't feel comfortable taking anyone else out with us, but bringing food will definitely be on the list. That is something most students will gratefully take no matter how "good" the food at their college is. And I will look for positive things to say instead of "don't you think less clutter would help you work"? One semester at a time...</p>
<p>Gaby3, the one thing I'd suggest is inviting the roommate to come with you to a restaurant, if that's the plan. It's a good way to get to know the person your child will be living with for the year. Besides, sometimes they'll tell you things that your own child won't.</p>
<p>Visited S at naval flight school graduation last year, and believe me, it was a trip. I arrived at the front gate with 80-year-old grandparents in a rented van, accompanied by my Marine Lt. son in the vehicle ahead; the whippersnappers at the gate checked our IDs and waved us grudgingly through to the next obstacle. There, four sailors with rifles ordered us out into the Texas sun, and two tore the van apart and searched it while the other two held us at bay. They weren't into small talk. They didn't smile and make us feel real welcome. They didn't offer the octogenarians a chair or shade or allow me to help them find some. In fact, they didn't allow me to move off the spot</p>
<p>Understand, this was parents' weekend and our visit had been officially documented well in advance. We were expected and held all the requisite permissions. After assuring themselves that gramps hadn't hidden any explosive devices under the van (gramps had already presented his retired Naval Commander ID), they did allow us back into it. But we were told to report immediately to HQ for further inspection. Well, the lead driver decided to turn left (towards the BOQ) rather than right (towards HQ). The wrath of the USN descended upon us and I was sure we'd all be shot on the spot (okay, okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was scary). Four or five screaming floodlit vehicles full of armed men blocked our path. Son got out and talked to them, they went away, and we got to our rooms. The rest of the visit was wonderful.</p>
<p>But visiting D at college promises to be less stressful.</p>
<p>Great story celloguy!</p>
<p>Rules of thumb for visits:</p>
<ol>
<li> Take lots of kids out to breakfast, lunch or dinner as many as you can afford. Your son will reap the return favor whent heir parents visit.</li>
<li> Take your kid shopping--pharmacy, shoe store--whatever he needs within reason.<br></li>
<li> Don't expect him to be free 24/7. He has classes and study obligations.</li>
<li> If one is around, try to take a hometown kid out for a meal along with your son. The favor will be returned when his parents visit and your son will approeciate it.</li>
<li> Personally, I didn't want to have a memory of seeing his dorm room looking like a bomb had hit it. DH went to room one hour before my visit and they cleaned it together. Well, CLEAN might be overstating it, but his side of the room was fairly tidy. I saw a nice dorm room and son had a jump start on packing up for the end of the year.</li>
</ol>