<p>To tell you truth, i have never been an IM'er, but i have seen my son and daughter put people on the blocklists. Not sure what they see on the other end. I think that you can also setup the IM, such that ONLY people on your BUDDY list can contact you. In that case, you have to manually define those people who you wish to communicate with, all others never get through. Again, not sure what they see on the other side. I'm sure some of the many IM'ers will answer your question (in case there are more details).</p>
<p>Okay so when you are blocked the blockee can't see when the blocker is signed on...also the blockee can't send an IM to the blocker.</p>
<p>Usually the reason HS kids don't want their parents on the buddy list (or block them) is because they don't want the parents to know they are on line instead of doing their home work, etc. (which you are supposed to think they are doing).</p>
<p>I also found IM communication to be much easier/more pleasant with my college son (and phone works better for the daughter...)</p>
<p>When kids block each other the blockee can't see that the blocker is on line. But if he gets a new screen name, and the blocker didn't set his IM in a way that only people he put on the list can see him, the blockee can see that he's blocked. And the drama ensues...;)</p>
<p>We spoke last night, and it was a mixed bag. We did agree to setup a weekly call on the weekend, this Sunday. (that was good). He was not as receptive to our call (last night) as we had hoped. This need for independance can be frustrating. By the end of the call, he had softened. I think that when he heard my wife crying, expressing how she misses him, it hit home (thank God). He may have even cried a bit too. He spoke of how he misses his close high school friends. We feel badly about that. Feeling distance from close friends, who know you and support you, can be a difficult thing. It shouldn't be SO difficult to convince him that we are on his side. We'll post updated information - after this weekend.</p>
<p>Helms2Lee -- I feel for you & your wife. My D, a freshman, has alwalys been incredibly independent and not the confiding type and now that she's in college thousands of miles away, it's no different. Yes, it hurts, and yes it's frustrating even though we know she is really, really happy. So we try to keep our phone calls light, upbeat and fun. During these calls we're her cheerleaders, so she knows she can always count on our support. We encourage her to talk to us about everything but try not to ask very pointed questons because then she feels like she's being interrogated. We also ask about her high school friends (she keeps in touch with THEM!) because talking about their experiences also tends to make her talk about hers. It sounds like your S has some away-from-home issues, and talking to you makes them that much harder to deal with. Encourage S to talk/email/IM his friends: the more he realizes they have lives of their own, the easier it will be for him to build his. In any case, good luck - this is a time of big transition -- and a learning experience -- for all of you. But with care, tenderness, support and a sense of humor, you should get through it just fine.
PS Take your wife out for a nice dinner tonight. With wine.</p>
<p>Quote: "This need for independance can be frustrating."</p>
<p>It sounds like it's a healthy thing on the part of your son...just understandably hard on you. </p>
<p>Quote: "It shouldn't be SO difficult to convince him that we are on his side."</p>
<p>In my opinion, the best way you can do that is to support his (age-appropriate) need to feel more independant, to deal with your own struggles without burdening him, and to be there for him if and when he indicates a need for your support.</p>
<p>nymom2sons:
I just read your posts about talking with your family...I talk with my mom probably twice a day, and my sister a couple times a day, and my niece (on IM) almost every night...But, do you see a pattern here? :) I talk to my brother about 4 or 5 times a year and my dad about every other day (while waiting for my mother to get on the phone). Ha!</p>
<p>Helms2Lee:
My two cents -- try REALLY hard to not cry on the phone or tell your son that you miss him. (He already knows that.) It will just make him terribly uncomfortable and he'll avoid your next call for sure. Go forward with confidence in his ablility to adjust perfectly.</p>
<p>Hi all,</p>
<p>I just graduated from college, and I'll let you know that I missed my parents and family terribly, even though I didn't really call much or made any contact. My mom would call me every now and then, but the timing was always so bad--either I'm in class, or at work, or doing some extracuricular. When I got calls like that, I got so annoyed and felt like my parents were breathing down my back.</p>
<p>However, there were times when I really missed them and called myself--just to talk. I agree that it's easier with females to just chat, but I'm sure guys feel like talking too. I think it's the timing that made us want to avoid our parents. My boyfriend would always get annoyed when his parents called--but it was because they often called and gave him advice he never asked for... or when he would say something, he'd have to repeat himself because his parents weren't actually listening. </p>
<p>How about finding out when the best times to call your son? Or better yet, when not to call. It might be midterms and he might be spending time in the library until 6am (trust me, we do that--libraries and study places are sometimes open 24 hours). I usually spoke to my mom in the midafternoon, around 5ish, after all class and work was done, and before dinner with friends.</p>
<p>Also, the IM thing gets a little addicting. Just a warning. Especially if your child is in the dorms, they probably just have their buddy list on but are actually roaming the halls--then you're stuck waiting for them or whatever. it can get depressing.</p>
<p>Facebook is only open to certain networks, and even then, you don't want your parent to be posting on your "wall"--which is where friends can have a public conversation. That's just embarassing.</p>
<p>I would have really liked it if my parents emailed me. College students spend a lot of time checking email. </p>
<p>Anyway, yes, you're S misses you. No doubt about that. Maybe arrange for him to visit you on a couple weekends... =) take care.</p>
<p>Our youngest just left for college. We now have four in college at the same time. What do I decide to do? Go back to college too. I started a couple of weeks ago and it has been hilarious. My first day at school I had a major anxiety attack because I was lost, couldn't find my classes, had to wait like two hours to speak to my advisor this prompted my 911 call to one of my kids who is attending college in another state to help me work through my freak out mode. My S kept telling me that he was too far away to hold my hand. We ended the call with a familiar everything is gonna be fine Mom, hang in there! Soon all four of them started calling all the time and it is me who can't spend time chatting because I am trying to figure out how to email my professor my homework.....</p>
<p>moxiemama
great post! priceless. welcome to CC! It is hard to let go of being central to our kids lives and the information age can be deceptive and imply that we need more well..information..that we really do about them day to day.<br>
comforting to see other parents missing their kids which is just our passage at this time. eweeeh/ That reminded me of that very popular in the 70s book called Passages! Naaaah. I am not going to even open it.</p>
<p>Weenie:
Yes, I do see the pattern... I have no brothers, so I can't speak to that.... but my husband has 2 sisters. He only speaks with them when I arrange it -- last year we were on vacation with his youngest sister, and I'd temporarly misplaced my cell phone... so we both had to share his. I programmed her number into his phone (we were staying at different hotels & had to make plans with them). About 8 months later, I get a frantic call from her at work: "why did he call me in the middle of the day on my cell? I can't reach him, I'm so worried!" Turns out, he called her, instead of the next person in his phone book by accident. It had been several years since he'd called her (maybe since her last kid was born, 6 years ago -- again at my prodding) .
As for my dad.... he calls me: 1. when my mom is mad at me for something and he's been designated by her to tell me so; or 2. when something is wrong.
My HS Soph son is not a phone person at all. But my college Freshman son has always been very chatty with me, especially the last couple of years, since he got over those hormonal stages.... this summer when he worked at a sleepaway camp, due to his position (video editor) he had a lot of time alone, in the production room.... he'd call me to chat while he waiting for the computer to "do its stuff", and we had lots of great conversations. I guess I'm just missing that.</p>
<p>I want to strongly echo what Weenie advised, about trying very hard not to cry and to avoid discussing this with your son. This will make him feel guilty, and resentful of you for making him feel guilty. Please give him time. If he loves and respects you, he will come through. You risk alienating him if you don't give him some space now.</p>
<p>One of the pieces of advice I give to all my friends when they have their first baby is "everything is a phase." Just when you think they've got a feeding schedule down, it changes. Etc. I remind myself of that even today, with a high school student. This may be a phase that could change tomorrow, next week, or next semester. But it's just a phase -- unless you alienate him enough that the phase becomes permanent.</p>
<p>Here's another suggestion: encourage your son and his HS friends to open either livejournal or another blogging account, and then open one yourself. These are great ways to keep in touch, and often much easier than email.</p>
<p>We get a call from our son when: 1) something awesome happened and he wants to share it with someone, (he just got an A on a very difficult quizz) 2) he has to ask about something ( he can't find his light jacket, did he leave it at home?) 3) he is feeling down and he wants to vent 4) on his way to 9pm mass on Sundays. He is not very chatty, but I know he misses us, too as we miss him. He has a very hectic schedule, trying to get that GPA up there and also keeping up with his numerous ECs. I understand how he does not have time to call home as often as we would want him to. I am just thankful that he is happy and content with this phase of his life.</p>
<p>nymom2sons:
Very funny story about your husband and his sister. We are doomed when we get old. In my family (me and my three siblings) there are 8 boys and ONE girl. My poor niece. We always laugh about how she'll end up taking care of all of her aunts when we're old.</p>
<p>Our son is a college sophomore. He is growing day by day. HE doesn't call us as much this year as he did last year but when we do speak with him, the calls are more meaningful.<br>
We raise our children to be independent and strong-to go out into life to live it and to make a difference whether in the world or in their families or just to themselves. Your child is not forgetting you, he is not forsaking you, he is living and growing. YOU have given him the opportunity to do this. That is what he knows and that is what he will always remember.
Hang in there.</p>
<p>I knew we were raising our son to be able to separate from us, and we prepared him well for it. Move-in day (August 23) was particularly traumatic for him; he sobbed when he realized we were leaving. The first week, he called a couple of times with logistical problems he needed help with. After that no word. My husband and/or I have phoned a couple of times and IM'd. Son seems less than enthusiastic about contact with us...crabby, in fact. We told him that we love him and that we know he will settle in well. We also told him that we'll miss him, and that we would love to share some of the excitement and experiences he's having. Well, apparently he doesn't care enough to call, or email, or snail mail, or IM. However, he does care enough to use the car we sent him off to college with and to charge items to the credit cards we supplied (though to be fair not outrageous amounts).</p>
<p>I'm having a very rough time thinking that it's okay to just get out of Dodge and forget the family you've left behind...so much so that I really don't want to be welcoming and inviting should he chose to grace us with his presence. Bitter, hell yes. When I was in college, I called my parents at least once a week for at least an hour to share my college life with them...and I also wrote long letters often to my parents and my other close relatives. Independence, schmindependence...not checking in periodically with the family that loves you and is footing the bill for you is just plain lack of consideration...and I don't like it one bit. Enough of the excuses, already!</p>
<p>Sage..you need to explain to your son that you need a routine of some kind to avoid nagging and hurt feelings and to give him a way to be successful in terms of filling your expectations for sharing. And then stick to it is my advice. Perhaps you are conveying that taking your calls is just not going to be enough. That will still leave you uninformed about him a lot of the time but I agree with you that Respectful routines is what makes things go. I don't think many people talk to parents for an hour and most of us rarely use snail mail. Even though I am fifty, I can barely hold a pencil anymore since the computer age. So much about letter writing is a lost art. Like you, I recall a time when "writing the folks" was considered a responsibility for the privilege of college. Times were simpler. We were less entitled as a generation. A letter from a parent might be all the warm fuzzies you got in a couple weeks or a month. We weren't wired up in constant communications. One thing I noticed in the dorms is that the kids exhaust themselves with communicationg with each other on IMs, text messages, video cam chats and facebook. They do not get enogh sleep either. They are never alone as long as they have a laptop or a cell phone.
My advice to you from my own errors in the past, would be to say what you want and make sure what you want is reasonable. Then praise him when he upholds this routine. I got in the habit when my son was a freshman and I felt was sometimes an ingrate..of putting any email I wrote him into the Send Later pile. When a little time passed, I could edit the letter and x out any sarcasm or bitter recriminations or little guilt trip remarks and send a letter that was much more reasonable. We truly can feel lost with our kids in a new solar system and no longer in our rotation. We enjoyed a great summer where our S lived at home and it was perhaps the chummiest time we have had with him. Now that he is back at college, he is back to once a week phone calls. We miss him more than he misses us. That is normal but it is also hard.</p>
<p>You might find this interesting (and it provides some insight as to why my 23-year-old son now not only calls me regularly but even remember to regularly call his grandparents, event though he never called at age 18):
[quote]
After scanning the brains of different age groups, scientists from University College, London, discovered adolescents were less likely to think about how their actions affected others.</p>
<p>The researchers asked people to think about what they would do in certain situations and used an MRI scanner to pinpoint which parts of the neural pathways were being used.</p>
<p>They found adolescents used a part at the rear of the pathway which is normally used in making simple actions and not in higher-level thinking about how it would affect themselves or others.</p>
<p>Adults used a front part which included thoughts about other people's feelings and were more likely to consider the consequences of their actions.</p>
<p>Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, who led the research, told the British Association's Festival of Science conference in England this month that teenage brains undergo huge changes and do not reach maturity until a person is at least 20, which could help to explain why teenagers are more likely to be moody.
[/quote]
Source: <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/0,2106,3798520a6009,00.html%5B/url%5D">http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/0,2106,3798520a6009,00.html</a></p>
<p>Yesterday I asked my son what he had done the day before (Sat.) and he said "none of your business". I thought that was particularly rude. He gave me some cryptic answers, which led to the conclusion that he didn't want to talk while roomie was there. I asked if it was because he'd done something he didn't want roomie to know about (no); if it was because he'd done something roomie wasn't included in (no); if he'd gone out with a girl roomie was interested in (no); if he didn't want roomie to know he was telling me what he'd done (no). I told him I was leaving for his brother's basketball game, and he managed to intentionally time it perfectly to call me back DURING the game (passive agressive thing that he is). He thought this was funny. Joke was on him -- it was halftime. I wouldn't speak with him then, but I called him back several hours later, and we were chatting for (NOW GET THIS) 94 MINUTES! It was one of the best conversations we'd ever had, in 18 years. But I told him, straight off, that the reason I ask so many questions, is because throughout HS, he didn't have much of a social life, unless he had a planned event with his Young Judaea Youth Group, and I watched him sit home night after night, weekend after weekend. So if I asked a lot of specific questions now, its because I want to make sure that he's finally getting the life he's always deserved!
I think when I phrased it that way, he finally got that I was on his side (Yeah!) and that my asking wasn't just idle gossip, it was a mommy's concern for his happiness. A happiness that's thus far pretty much escaped him, but one he was entitled to. He was much more forthcoming after that, told me about who he goes to dinner with, who he's watching a movie with, etc., etc.
Oh yeah, he's also trying to talk us into letting him have his car. In DC. Laughable. But he was loving, and charming, and the reminded me of the kid I said goodbye to 2 weeks ago. It took years of adolescence to get him from the hormonal teen to the pleasant young man we left on move-in day. It was nice to have that guy back for an hour and a half. He actually called back later in the evening to ask advice on how to politely decline his aunt's (who lives about 45 minutes away from his school) invitation to holiday dinner next week. He wanted to make sure that he didn't cause any family upheaval by not attending.
So, maybe there's hope yet!</p>
<p>Sage44, as I read your message, and think about my son's behavior over the last month (not too different) I wonder if he's being a typical male and avoiding his emotions. Calling you might be too upsetting right now, and he might actually be ashamed he misses you so strongly.</p>
<p>Just a thought.</p>