What about this essay instead?

<p>I posted my first essay earlier. This is a different one I wrote. Is it better or worse than the first. A picture of my senior class float accompanies it. This is just a rough draft, so any editing or suggestions are appreciated.</p>

<pre><code>The process of building a class float is an art. The skills involved cannot be learned through reading a book or doing research online; they must be developed through experience and practice. I have been a class officer for four years. Each year, our class has endeavored endlessly to win the homecoming float competition. Each year, we have been outshined by another class—each year but this year. This year we have finally gotten it right. This year all of our hard work has finally paid off. This year we have earned our right to achieve victory.
I remember the day that freshman elections were announced. I didn’t know much about what class officers did, but I was interested from the very beginning. When I came to learn that the officers were in charge of building the class float, I filled up with excitement and enthusiasm. My heart raced with anxiety on election day. I wanted to be elected more than I had wanted anything else in my life. When my name was announced as treasurer, it was all I could do to not leap into the air for joy.

A couple weeks later, my career in float building began. I learned very soon that building a float required much time, energy, and effort. Once a week I met with those in our class who wanted to help with our float. The theme was “cartoons” and my class chose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Many people participated. When we finished, I couldn’t have been more proud. Our float looked excellent! At the judging, however, I had a reality check as surprising as a cup of icy water being thrown into my face: Our float was the worst of all the classes. An achievement that I had been so proud of just a few hours earlier became an embarrassment to me. All I could do to bring my spirits up was to think, “It’s okay. There’s always next year.”
When the next year came, I decided to retackle the challenge of building the float, this time as class secretary. So we had screwed up the first time; this time would be different. What I didn’t count on was that it would be different in a negative way. My sophomore year brought arguments, miscommunications, and drama. Because of this, our class didn’t start working on the float until a week before homecoming. Looking back, it is still astonishing to me that we were able to present a float at all. During the parade, the goal post we had erected on the float fell down. I felt as if all of my hopes had fallen down with it. Needless to say, our float again received last place.
Junior year. This year brought a new president into the mix, and I was now the vice president. Together, we were able to pull ourselves out of the chaos that was sophomore year. We went into the competition with a new attitude: we were not there to win, we were there to have fun. What a difference this attitude made on the year! Building the float was one of the major highlights of the year. The theme was “television shows” and our float was on Gilligan’s Island. Although we did not win first place, that was the first year I left the float judging with a true pride in my class.
When senior year came, I knew it was my final chance. It was my final chance to attain the goal I had set so long ago—to win! This time, there would be no mistakes. We decided that we would start building the float right away and that we wouldn’t stop until it was perfect. All of the knowledge in float building, teamwork, and organization I had acquired throughout my high school career was put into this float. The theme was “superheroes” and our float was on Spiderman. For the first time in all four years, everyone who worked on the float was united. We knew that we were going to do the best we could do, and that no matter the outcome it would be a win for us. I can’t even begin to describe the joy felt when we learned we had won. I felt a since of fulfillment that I had never before felt in my life. I had overcome the challenges before me. I had learned from my mistakes. I had accomplished the goal I had my heart set on for years, and I will never forget the elation that was felt for such a simple achievement.
</code></pre>

<p>As of right now, your first essay is better.</p>

<p>This one has potential, though, if you really want to rework it. The way I see it being a Stanford-quality essay is by making it satirical. Take the essay cliche (which you embrace in this draft) of "Overcoming obstacles" and poke fun at it. Right now, you're taking yourself FAR too seriously, when there's a lot of potential for humor. Humor is hard, especially in college essays, but I think you could do it.</p>

<p>I'm pretty sure this is the essay I'm going to use. I've made a few revisions. Here is the current essay. What do you think?</p>

<pre><code> I have been a class officer for four years. Each year, our class has endeavored endlessly to win the homecoming float competition. Each year, we have been outshined by another class—each year but this year. This year we have finally gotten it right. This year all of our hard work has finally paid off. This year we have earned our right to achieve victory.
I remember the day that freshman elections were announced. I didn’t know much about what class officers did, but I was interested from the very beginning; being a class officer would give me a chance to really have a say in what occurred in our school. When I came to learn that the officers were in charge of building the class float, I filled up with excitement and enthusiasm. My heart raced with anxiety on election day. I wanted to be elected more than I had wanted anything else in my life. When my name was announced as treasurer, it was all I could do to not shout out in a surge of delight.

A couple weeks later, my career in float building began. I learned very soon that building a float required much time, energy, and effort. Once a week I met with those in our class who wanted to help with our float. The theme was “cartoons” and my class chose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When we finished, I couldn’t have been more proud. Our float looked brilliant! At the judging, however, the results hit me like a cup of icy water being thrown into my face: Our float was the worst of all the classes. An achievement that I had been so proud of just a few hours earlier became an embarrassment to me. All I could do to bring my spirits up was to think, “It’s okay. There’s always next year.”
When the next year came, I decided to retackle the challenge of building the float, this time as class secretary. So we had screwed up the first time; this time would be different. What I didn’t count on was that it would be different in a negative way. My sophomore year brought arguments, miscommunications, and drama. Because of this, our class didn’t start working on the float until a week before homecoming. It is still astonishing to me that we were able to present a float at all. During the parade, the goal post we had erected on the float came crashing down. I felt as if all of my hopes had fallen down with it. Our float again received last place.
Junior year. This year brought a new president into the mix, and I was now the vice president. Together, we were able to pull ourselves out of the chaos that was sophomore year. We went into the competition with a new attitude: We were there to have fun. What a difference this attitude made on the year! Building the float was one of the major highlights of the year. The theme was “television shows” and our float was on Gilligan’s Island. We still had not won first place, but that was the first year I left the float judging with a true pride in my class. We would keep that same attitude for the next year.

When senior year came, I knew it was our final chance. It was our final chance to attain the goal we had set so long ago—to win! This time, there would be no mistakes. I was again vice president alongside the same president as the year before; we had experience on our side. We decided that we would start building the float right away and that we wouldn’t stop until it was perfect. All of the knowledge in float building, teamwork, and organization I had acquired throughout my high school career was put into this float. The theme was “superheroes” and our float was on Spiderman. For the first time in all four years, everyone who worked on the float was united. We knew that we were going to do the best we could do, and that no matter the outcome it would be a win for us. Presenting that float gave me a sense of fulfillment that I had never before felt in my life. I had overcome the challenges before me. I had learned from my mistakes. I had accomplished the goal I had my heart set on for years, and I will never forget the elation that was felt for such a simple achievement. Finally, after so many hours of hard work, we had won!
</code></pre>

<p>IMO it's a very good essay. Not spectacular, but nevertheless an excellent essay.</p>

<p>To be brutally honest: this essay won't leave a lasting impression on an admission officer. </p>

<p>I didn't even read past the first paragraph, I got bored. This means you need to change your first paragraph so that it draws the reader into the essay and makes them want to keep reading. </p>

<p>You also might want to have someone else read it so that they can polish your grammar....it isn't particularly amazing. Make sure you fix all the discrepancies in tense.</p>

<p>I appreciate your suggestion for the first paragraph, and, yes, I am having my English teachers read it, but to be honest I don't think you can form a really good opinion on my essay if you only read the first paragraph. My first paragraph is not very long, especially if you read my second draft later on in the thread, so if you only read six short sentences of my essay you haven't read much. I do realize that my opening is my weak point though.</p>