A spontaneous arm around your parent and an “I’m going to miss you too” might go a long way to showing them that you are understanding of what they are going through. The separating process is very hard, but also necessary. You and they will get through it.
To a lesser extent I can see some of my own behaviors towards my youngest as graduation and college send-off gets closer. Like you he’s an excellent kit, has generally made good choices, steered clear of trouble etc…
He’s getting frustrated with my “tightening of the ship” so to speak. My reasoning is simple, and I’ve explained this to him as well. We are in the final run-up to a fabulous future that he’s worked hard for…some of his peers are making choices that have undermined their future plans. He’s worked far too hard to slip up now. If he’s with some peers that have been making questionable choices—you bet I’m right on top of him.
I laughed at your comment about eating too much and pregnancy. Your mom may have heard about someone having to change college plans because their daughter became pregnant–that would put her anxiety on steroids.
When my oldest went off to college I was so excited for her, AND so fearful of the unknown–but with patience (mostly on her part) we both made it through okay. You are awesome for being pro-active and seeking advice. Good Luck!!!–it will work out!!!
I wonder whether you could channel her feelings into something that would be more useful to both of you – namely, asking your mom to help you to learn skills that you will need when you’re away at college. One of the things we parents worry about is that we failed to teach our kids crucial skills, and once they’ve left for college, the opportunity is gone forever.
Do you customarily do your own laundry? If not, tell her you want to start, and ask for her advice on how to sort laundry into different loads, choose washer and dryer temperatures that are appropriate for the specific fabrics, and minimize ironing.
Do you have a checking account? You will need one at college. If you’re 18, you can open one now, and your mom can help you learn how to manage it. (You will rarely write checks, but you still need to know how to do it. What you mostly need to know about is deposits and the debit card.)
Do you handle your own visits to the doctor and dentist and fill your own prescriptions? If not, tell her you want to learn, say that you want to do your next visit alone and ask her for some advance coaching (for example, talk about what questions you may need to ask the doctor during the visit).
I’m sure you can think of other things like this. And if your mom went to college, she probably can, too. (Ask her what she found difficult during freshman year – the answers may surprise you.) All of this stuff is genuinely useful, and it may distract your mom from things like trying to excessively police your social life.
@Marian Yes to all. I’ve done my laundry since I was 12, I got a checking account last year, and I’ve handled my own doctors, dentists, and prescriptions since I was 15 (that’s when Idaho kids get their licenses).
If I had a kid like you — which I might— I would be happy that I raised a good kid and the kid is going out to a bigger world to experience and learn. And I have only one kid. He’s right now abroad studying another language during gap year, and we talk once a month. Just reassure your parents they did all they can and you will keep in touch often. It’s an opportunity for me as a parent to try to fo other things now that I have more time.
I think I am the odd parent out there who was SO happy when my kids went away to school. I miss/ed them terribly, but I was not able to go away to school and I was thrilled that they were getting this experience. I was happy that they were escaping the small town we lived in even though they all went to towns that were the same size or smaller. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of them, but that I was so overjoyed to be able to give them this opportunity.
For you, OP, you sound like the type of child any parent would be happy to have. You are the oldest? of how many? Maybe you can go out to lunch or dinner alone with your parents and tell them how appreciative you are of the chance they are giving you. Make a point to let them know that you will stay in regular touch with them and your siblings. I have a copy of my children’s schedule so I know when they are in class and if I miss them, I can envision them in class. I also know when I can’t phone or text them. I always leave at least 30 minutes before or after a class as a contact free time. If you set up a regular schedule to communicate, it can help alleviate your parents’ distress.
@techmom99 I am the oldest of two; my brother is a freshman. It’s hard for me to spend time with them because my dad is a small business owner and my mom travels a lot for work (for example, she got back on Friday and is leaving again this morning until Friday night). I will definitely make sure they have my class schedule once I get to college.
@ski_racer, you sound like a thoughtful, independent kid.
I noticed that my wife had real difficulty letting our daughter go. She’d had it before: I remember walking our each of our kids to the first day of kindergarten. I was proud. My wife was crying. My daughter had a serious medical problem when she was 9 to 11 and my wife was always looking out for her, organizing things for her, with her, etc. So the bond was really tight. I would say that, based upon my limited sample of people in the neighborhood plus relatives, my wife was the he best mother I’ve ever seen for kids up to the age of 12. Warm, exciting, organizing fantastic activities, etc.
But, early HS was constant a battle as my wife found it difficult to let go of my daughter (and my daughter wasn’t a saint either). I had to coach my wife to progressively give up control. The coaching worked somewhat – she’d regress periodically – but it made things much better. Also, my daughter (actually both kids) started turning to me as the parent during HS. Could you talk to your dad about talking to your mom? I think you could start, as someone suggested, but letting both of them know you are going to miss them and be in touch with them a lot once you get to school. Our daughter started college an 8 hour drive away – in part because she wanted to be not so close to her mother. After one semester, she transferred to an hour away, but not because of the distance.
She was somewhat better, perhaps surprisingly, with our son, who went to college three years earlier. But I remember he and several male friends went from Boston to NY for a concert in Madison Square Garden a couple of weeks AFTER HS graduation. [Three of them were at least 6’3" so not the most obvious targets]. The parents of the other three boys insisted that they take a 1 AM or 3 AM train back and that after the concert, they wait in Penn Station. I told them about a row of 24 hour Korean restaurants on a nearby street (32nd St.?) and that Penn Station was probably less safe than the Korean restaurants. Nope, they wanted their kids hermetically sealed. I pointed out to them that in less than two months, their kids could go to NY by themselves and they’d have no idea where they were or place any restrictions on them and maybe it was a good idea to see how they could manage things. Nope. (I was able to persuade my wife of the virtue of my position, but not the other parents). Of course, the boys went to the Korean restaurant and made the train with no problem. My only request was that my son text me after the concert and let me know what they were up to. Which, of course, he did. I never told the other parents what happened.
Interestingly, she didn’t cry when we dropped him off at college. She said, “This is the right place for him.” I think she did cry when we dropped our daughter off.
Incidentally, you can do the equivalent of FaceTime on Android with Google Hangouts or Google Duo (you probably knew that). Duo is designed to be FaceTime for Android. Both are free, as is Skype.
I’m guessing that because your mom isn’t home very much, your impending departure might be hitting her even harder. Any chance she can take some time from work or travel to spend more time with you in the next few months?
@rosered55 We’re doing a family vacation in June…
Good idea – you should ask your mom if the two of you can go on some kind of mini vacation this summer, just you guys for a few days. You don’t have to go someplace far away or expensive. She would probably LOVE that.
@intparent I have, but it’s difficult because of her work and vacation time. I’ve suggested Portland, Southern Utah, Glacier NP, the Alvord Desert, McCall… she just doesn’t have the time or interest.
Well… then she can’t gripe too much about not having time with you when you leave for school, I guess. If you haven’t suggested it lately (like in the past few months), you could bring it up again. I know my youngest kid’s last year, I turned down a work project that I knew would be very intense because I wanted to spend time with her. I was lucky I had the flexibility to do that, and might not have turned it down at a different time. Just saying that your mom’s perspective might have shifted a bit if you haven’t asked lately.
Just guessing here… but maybe she’s concerned that you might have a serious boyfriend (that she might be imagining, as she starts to picture you now as more of a grown up)?
@colorado_mom wouldn’t that be nice if it were true? But no. Part of the reason I haven’t really dated is because of how nosy and overbearing she can be. You might be right about the imagination part though.
Did you actually pick a school yet?
@Trisherella not yet, as I don’t have all my acceptances/rejections back yet. But that’s kind of irrelevant, considering the closest school I applied to is a 7-hour drive. I’ve also been accepted to Colorado School of Mines (direct flight) and Syracuse (two layovers). I’m waiting on BU, Yale, Harvard, MIT, Dartmouth, and Princeton (legacy). Obviously, all of these are very far from Idaho. I know I may not get to any of them, but my application was competitive and I do have a chance.
Just want to throw into the mix that many schools have rolling admissions, and it might not be bad to have an option that is at least somewhat closer. Having gone to a school that was a 7-hour drive, I can tell you for sure you won’t be getting home much, even when you might like to. One concern your parents probably have is that if you go that far away to school, you may never return. (Which of course is fine, you should do what you need to for your own goals.) But that may be part of what they are feeling now.
@Trisherella that’s a great idea, but none of the schools close to me are a good fit. My town isn’t like Boston; there are 2 four-year colleges within commuting distance. If you bump the drive time up to 4 hours, then there are 4. None of them are a good fit for me.
My ideas on what can make a good fit have changed over time. Sometimes we’re surprised at the reality of an anticipated experience compared to what we imagined it would be like.
When my son was considering where to go last year, there were several that were across the country and/or a plane ride away. Some were great fits, and we were fine with him going to any of those. In the end, though, he chose a school that was only a couple hour drive away. Distance from home did end up being a big factor for him, and we hadn’t necessarily anticipated that. It was his choice. And he does enjoy coming home once a month or so, to get a mental break from college (and to enjoy some home cooking!)
I’m just sharing our experience, not trying to project it onto you. There are PLENTY of people who go great distances from home, and they absolutely love it.
It’s hard to know exactly how you’ll feel when it comes time to make the final decision. I have determined that selectiveness of a college is not necessarily a huge factor in whether or not a school is a fit. (although our son did end up going to the most selective college in the state) My niece ended up going to a very non-selective school, applied herself diligently, and got into several medical schools with no problems. So I wouldn’t overly weight the selectivity aspect.