<p>Boysx3:</p>
<p>That’s the kind of info and advice I was looking for, thanks.</p>
<p>Don’t most schools at least have a roommate questionare? Or if that isn’t specific enough, your son will have his to-be roomies contact info- they could talk about it beforehand and if there’s a dispute, they can change roommates early on.</p>
<p>Also, to be honest, if I were your son’s roommate I wouldn’t put up with his criteria. Most students going to secular schools wouldn’t either. I mean, I would hate how studying up late with a friend of the opposite sex would be considered ‘inappropriate’.</p>
<p>Posts like this always intrigue me, 'cos I always wonder how big “the issue” really is to the son/daughter as compared to the parent?</p>
<p>Keepingitlight:</p>
<p>I don’t blame you for wondering. All I can say is that it is his concern. I can’t make you believe me. : )</p>
<p>I think BYU is a valid suggestion–not in terms of segregating to a Christian ghetto or whatever, but just as an excellent institution with a linguistics major where one can be sure that their religious beliefs regarding premarital sex will be respected. However, I believe the OP wasn’t asking about institutions with strict dorm policies and linguistics departments.</p>
<p>I guess I go against the grain here because I believe that a student should have the right to insist both on 24/7 access to their own dorm room and that when they are in there they should have the right to not be subjected to the intimate relations of others if that makes them uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, from what I’m reading here either that doesn’t seem to be the policy at many schools or where it is the policy it isn’t necessarily taken seriously. I guess this is where the business of growing up comes to play in terms of communicating (including listening), problem solving, compromise, and finally advocating for one’s rights according to their own morals and beliefs.</p>
<p>If it were my kid I wouldn’t advise him to rely too heavily on institutional roommate questionnaires or contracts or whatever. I would encourage honest discussion about any strongly held preferences about what goes on in the room before move-in day and hope that the roommate will either respect the son’s request for no overnight guests or the two young men will be able to work out some system of compromise that they can both live with. If it comes to pass that they find themselves at loggerheads over the issue, then it’s up to the son to find out what process is available to him through the housing dept regarding mediation or grievances or switching rooms. If this is an extremely important concern to the student then perhaps he will want to look into a school’s policy before making a final decision on where to attend (personally I would prefer for my kid not to base his final decision on a school’s housing policy but this family may feel differently and I don’t see why that’s not okay–what do I care?) Who knows, in a worse case scenario of needing to switch roommates perhaps housing would already be dealing with another student with a similar issue whom they could match up. I imagine it isn’t too uncommon a scenario actually.</p>
<p>The only other advice I would give my son is that once knows what college he will be attending see if he can make some online contacts with the Catholic community on that campus. They might have some good advice specific to that school’s policies and procedures.</p>
<p>
If they live in a double how does that work? Roommate #1 has 24/7 access as he wants it and no one can ever come visit, no load music, to movies, etc. Roommate #2 also has 24/7 access and he wants it and has friends come over to play cards from 8-11 on Friday night. So whose 24/7 rights win?</p>
<p>Which takes us back to compromise. For the OP why wouldn’t this work … each roommate gets an evening a week, say from 8-11, where the room is their’s and the other roommate will clear out. If the OP’s son want to study in total quiet or have his bible group over in his time slot he has a clear slot of time for this … in return, while the OP’s son is in library (or in class, etc) the roommate can have friends over, be loud, do whatever. Why would this be bad?</p>
<p>Tamari:</p>
<p>What an excellent response, it could be used as a model of understanding the questioner’s point of view before answering. </p>
<p>You’re exactly right, I wasn’t asking to be referred to conservative institutions, I already knew about them. The problem was the limited number that have a linguistics major. I do admit, though, that I hadn’t considered BYU and my son and I will take a look at it. </p>
<p>I will definitely ponder the rest of your advice and I really appreciate you taking the time.</p>
<p>First, I think you would be better off doing this the other way around. Identify the schools with linguistics programs of interest to him. Then find out what the visitation policies of those schools are.</p>
<p>For example, Boston University has a linguistics program. Here is a link to its visitation policy. [Boston</a> University Dean of Students » Nonacademic and Residential Policies](<a href=“http://www.bu.edu/dos/policies/lifebook/nonacademic/]Boston”>http://www.bu.edu/dos/policies/lifebook/nonacademic/) You will note that students can only have overnight visitors seven nights a semester. To the best of my knowledge, that IS enforced. Perhaps this is something your son could live with. (Note that this policy applies to all visitors. So, worst case scenario would be seven nights a semester.) Note too that in SOME residences (I think these are those with regular doubles) you need the express written consent of your roommate. Maybe it’s possible to request this dorm?</p>
<p>Second, I think the “real issue,” to me at least, is a different one than you have framed. It’s more a matter of “What happens when my roommie wants to have a visit involving PDA or actual sex in our room and I don’t want to be there?” A fair number of colleges have “common rooms” or lounges. At these schools students who are sexiled usually sleep in the common room or lounge when their roommie has a visitor. </p>
<p>My kid’s first year roommate had sex in the room frequently. They worked it out. First, my kid was usually busy with an EC one night a week. So, roommie knew the coast would be clear then and that’s when sex usually happened. It didn’t bother my kid because my kid would be out of the room anyway. When overnight visitation was involved notice had to be given by a certain hour and the visitor could not arrive for an hour after notice was given. This gave my kid time to retrieve toothbrush, pajamas, shower soap, etc. and, if necessary ask someone else if kid could stay in their room at an hour at which everyone else was still up. There was no getting to the room at 1 am and walking in on a couple having sex and attempting to find kid’s toothbrush, pajamas, towel, soap in the dark…and then having to choose whether to sleep in the same room or try to find someone who would let kid crash.</p>
<p>90% of sex in the room, though, took place when my kid was at the weekly EC meeting.</p>
<p>I was speaking specifically any kind of sexual activity that makes a roommate uncomfortable. Card-playing, movies, music, visitors, when the lights got out, etc are different. Of course roommates need to learn to work that stuff out. But anything sexual, or anything really that a student feels compromises their religious beliefs, I just feel deserves a higher modicum of respect. And I say this as a non-religious person myself. </p>
<p>I would want my own kid to go out of her way to respect others’ religious or cultural belief systems even if she doesn’t necessarily share them, just because I believe it’s the right thing to do. Ultimately though 3togo I do agree with you that working out systems of compromise over general roommate issues is best.</p>
<p>
It’s the other roommates room also. I totally agree that no one should have to be in a room while there roommate is having sexual relations with someone else. That is very different than asking a roommate to not have sexual relations even when the other roommate is not there … or for one roommate to never allow the other roommate to have the room to themselves (whatever they use the time for … sexual or not).</p>
<p>Oh, BTW, the advance notice of a “sleepover” wasn’t a school rule, that was the result of a roommate contract. Most of the time, notice was given well before the “deadline.” Roommate agreed that wanting time to retrieve stuff from the room without an audience was totally reasonable. </p>
<p>I’m not saying this is the only way to do this. I’m really trying to say, somewhat inarticulately perhaps, that for most kids the real issue is making sure they have somewhere else to be when their roommie is “entertaining” visitors. They also want advance notice. (The worst is having a roommie return with a guest when you are already in bed.) Finally, you don’t want the guest to be the third resident of the room, which unfortunately sometimes really does happen.</p>
<p>3togo:</p>
<p>“Why would this be bad?”</p>
<p>I’m not saying it would be bad. I just knew nothing about it and needed to gain a better understanding. Hearing about the experiences of the commenters and their kids has been a big help. My son now has more options to think about. Thanks.</p>
<p>Jonri:</p>
<p>It helps to hear examples of how others have worked things out. I feel like I’m getting a clearer picture in my mind. Thanks.</p>
<p>Filius–</p>
<p>I haven’t responded because I had my own thread about my d’s roommate troubles. In her case, they had a roommate contract but, because her roommate didn’t want to adhere to it, it didn’t help.</p>
<p>So, ultimately, you can ASK for anything in the contract, but it really isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on unless both sides have enough integrity to abide by it and there’s no way of knowing THAT until you’re in the situation, unless you have a previous relationship with said roommate.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a room free of sexual activity. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for it. But whether you’re going to get it, even WITH a contract is dicey.</p>
<p>So, you can ASK for anything. Whether you’ll get it is another thing entirely.</p>
<p>And, FWIW, I absolutely agree with your point about the questionnaires. Why not be able to try to use certain moral views as matching points? Except, that many PARENTS fill out the questionnaires, or at least are involved :)</p>
<p>Azcatz:</p>
<p>I’ll check out your thread. Thanks for your input.</p>
<p>In my experience, “Roommate Contracts” end up being the cause for subsequent roommate problems. They set up expectations on each other that inevitably cannot be sustained. Then the finger pointing spiral begins.</p>
<p>They end up nurturing a view that a contract will remove one’s need to learn how to deal with differences in others.
Is that the end goal?</p>
<p>A couple of things.
- The vast majority of American students are Christian, so there are obviously plenty of Christians (the majority actually) who aren’t so vehemently opposed to overnight guests.
- Have you considered Georgetown? Assuming of course OP’s son could get in. We know nothing of his stats, so we can’t really suggest colleges.
- The use of the word ghetto still rankles me, along with the hilariously immature defense using the dictionary definition of the word. Quick hint, google the word “connotation,” and you’ll understand why using that word in such an offhand way is so disrespectful.
- Obvious solution: single room. If you want something out of the ordinary (and don’t make the sub free argument, way more people want that) be prepared to pay. It’s supply and demand really.</p>
<p>
I certainly it’s reasonable to ask for this … having any kind of negative reaction to a “no” reply probably doesn’t bode well for having roommates at a secular school. The religious student goes home for the weekend and the other roommate can’t have someone over during the weekend? If the basis of these requests is a “my house my rules” approach even when the student is not present then making things work with a roommate is not likely to work out … the essence of the compromise approach is each roommate gets time to use the room as they like. If this kind of compromise won’t work for a student then having roommates at a secular school probably is a rough road … singles, live off campus, commute, or religious school all sound like better approaches IMO.</p>
<p>“The vast majority of American students are Christian, so there are obviously plenty of Christians (the majority actually) …”</p>
<p>I’m curious- is this true and are there reputable stats to back it up? I guess I would be surprised if this is true…</p>
<p>Here you go:
[Statistics</a> on Religion in America Report – Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life](<a href=“Religion in America: U.S. Religious Data, Demographics and Statistics | Pew Research Center”>Religion in America: U.S. Religious Data, Demographics and Statistics | Pew Research Center)</p>
<p>If the vast, vast majority of American’s are Christian (78%), then it would follow that college students also fall into the majority. Whether they PRACTICE or BELIEVE is another matter, which is was pde54003 was getting at.</p>
<p>I think as s/he does-there are many better solutions to the OP’s problems than demanding a roommate do as he wants. Why stir up problems before even getting to know a roommate when you can choose other options and still get the education you want without an added stressor?</p>