Recently, my RA contacted me and let me know that my roommate was feeling uncomfortable in our rooming situation because I had expressed to her that I did not want any male overnight guests over. I’m just not comfortable with male guests in the room, and my roommate has a boyfriend is quite older than I am, which makes me even more uncomfortable. From what I understood from the RA, my roommate wants to bring the boyfriend over frequently, but cannot because of my lack of comfort in the situation. As well as that, the RA told me that the cost of buying a hotel room would add up quickly if the SO wanted to stay frequently, so that is why my roommate doesn’t want to follow that path. The RA then suggested that I could move into a single space dorm, which has a higher price. I denied the offer, because I thought it was unfair and beyond the land of compromise to ask me to hold an extra financial burden to accommodate my roommate’s boyfriend. Now, the RA has scheduled a meeting between my roommate and I to discuss the issue. If no compromise can be found, my roommate will move out. The RA expressed to me that she would like to accommodate both of us, but I feel that its unfair to make me feel guilty about what I’m not comfortable with. I understand that my roommate could invite her boyfriend over while I’m at class, or when I’m visiting home, but asking me to give up my right to relax and feel comfortable in a room that my parents and I are paying for seems unreasonable. I don’t think it would be fair to ask me to take out part of my day and disappear while my roommate and her boyfriend are together and want to be alone in the room. As well as that, mentioning that the boyfriend might not be able to afford a hotel room shouldn’t be a concern of mine. I talked to my parents, and they strongly believe that my roommate is being unreasonable, and that if she wanted to be with her boyfriend frequently, she should have chosen to live in an apartment or single occupancy dorm room. They said that the dorms are not supposed to be used as hotel rooms, and that they’re paying money for me to room with another girl, and no other additional people. Are these thoughts reasonable?
Additional information: My parents are pretty mad about this situation and want me to give them the RA’s contact information so that they can say that it was inappropriate for me to be involved in this situation at all. They want to say that the issue and conversation should have been between my roommate, her boyfriend, and the RA only. I’m hesitant to do this, because it feels as if it would just create more conflict and tension.
Your roommate and RA are in the wrong here. You are absolutely allowed to say she cannot have her boyfriend in the room while you are there. It’s very odd that they suggested you get a single, when this is not your problem.
Is it appropriate for my parents to contact the RA? I’m just a first-year, so I don’t know what the standard call of procedure is for things like this.
The RA asked you to agree to move into a more expensive room to save your roommate’s boyfriend money? That’s highly inappropriate. Your roommate wants frequent overnight visits; you want none. There’s no middle ground to compromise on. I’d decline to meet with that RA and your roommate. I agree that the only point would be to try to get you to agree to something you’ve already said you don’t want. Tell the RA you haven’t changed your mind, and if your roommate is unhappy with that decision then she should pursue the move.
Is this man a student? At the college where I work, nonstudents aren’t permitted to room on campus. It’s not a hotel. If your RA or roommate pressure you, you might mention to them that you might stop by the Residential Life Office (your RA’s boss) to clarify the rules about nonstudent guests.
I wouldn’t recommend that your parents call your RA. The RA doesn’t make the rules. They can contact Residential Life to ask about their policies.
Yes your feelings are reasonable. Yes it is unfair and unrealistic for your roommate to request that you accomodate her SO on a regular basis. HOWEVER, it is also sad that you are unwilling to accommodate your roommates needs occassionally. She is paying for the room too and has just as much right to use it to meet her needs as you do. If you go home regularly, sure that should be enough to accommodate her need to have her SO spend the night. But if you rarely if ever vacate the room maybe give her a break and let her use it once a month. Not sure why your roommate wasn’t asked to move to the single instead of you…Your parents need to stay out of it.
You know it used to be completely normal for people to share rooms at Inns with complete strangers. Not exactly sure what people think is going to happen to them if a roommate’s opposite gender friend spends the night…would you be this upset if your roomie was asking to have a same gendered guest spend the night?
The roommate should move to the single and pay the additional cost. Problem solved.
The boyfriend is not a student. I could give my roommate some time alone with the boyfriend. I do leave the room for classes and clubs and things like that. My main concern is just that she wants him to be over a lot, and I don’t feel comfortable with that. If my roommate wanted to bring a same gendered friend over for a little, I would be okay with it. I’m just not comfortable with male guests.
Your roommate wants her boyfriend to stay overnight “frequently.” You’re paying for a double, not a triple. Your roommate seems to want to pay for a double but live like she has a single. It’s not up to you to accommodate her.
I normally agree with @labegg, but I’m going to disagree with her here in part. The room is for you and your roommate only. No one else is entitled to be there. But, if you are going away for a weekend, it’s nice to let your roommate know so she can have a guest over. But the second part about letting her use it once a month? What are you supposed to do, find someone else’s place to stay at? That’s unreasonable. Or stay in the room while they have sex? That’s unreasonable. Or even if they aren’t having sex, you’re entitled to say you don’t feel comfortable with this particular person (especially someone of the opposite gender). Your roommate is the one who needs to get a single if she wants guests.
Go up the next level to the director of housing – explain situation, tell them you are not paying more for a single, and mention that a third person who is not a student is basically living in your room. You can do this, no need to involve your folks unless the director of housing is unhelpful.
If there’s a single available, the roommate should move into it. Then she won’t bother anyone. That seems like a better solution.
The single I mentioned earlier is currently occupied by one of my roommate’s friends. I should have been more specific, but the offer that the RA gave me was that I would switch places with my roommate’s friend. The friend I’m assuming is more comfortable with the idea of her boyfriend staying over. I find it unlikely that the friend will displace herself and move into my room in order for my roommate to get the single. My roommate also probably doesn’t want to pay the higher housing fees. She would have to move into a single in another hall, and is not completely willing to do this because she would be leaving all the friends she has made now in her current living situation.
You’re not being unreasonable. As others have pointed out, your roommate should pay extra for a single if she wants frequent overnights with her boyfriend. You’re paying for a double not a triple.
There is no reason for you to meet with the RA and your roommate. The request is absolutely outrageous and if they don’t back off immediately, I would go to the head of res life. If that didn’t work, I would have your parents intervene. They pay the bills and they have the right to get their money’s worth and for you not to be harassed. If your roommate wants so much privacy, let her spring for the single room fee.
I wouldn’t go to the meeting alone because you’ll be bullied into agreeing to the move to a single or to have extra overnights. Tell the RA that if you have to go to the meeting (and there may be a rule that you have to go to the meeting if the RA calls one), you want your parents there since it is their money paying for it all. They can skype in. That will end any meeting because your roommate won’t want to tell your parents that she wants to shack up and expects you to either put up with it or get out of the room they are paying for. I would agree to the single if there is no extra cost to you. They can figure out how to charge the roommate for the single and just have you live there.
I think you are correct to take this position. My daughter was dating an older non-student too (he was about 25 and no longer a student). Her roommate had made it very clear before they even met that she didn’t want ANY male visitors in their room. I thought that was too harsh but daughter agreed to it. Anyway, the rule made it easier when daughter started dating (and the roommate also had a boyfriend by that time) and the rule was set. The boyfriend was a nice guy, but he didn’t belong in the really small dorm room. They could go to his apt to play video games or watch TV and there was no need to displace the roommate. He wasn’t a student, wasn’t paying for the dorm room, and it just wasn’t fair. But daughter and boyfriend never asked the roommate to change the rule either. Everyone was happy with the way things were.
Agreed, you are in the right. The RA’s suggestion that you move is completely inappropriate. If your roommate wants her BF over she should take the single room. If you go to the meeting with the RA stand firm. Under no circumstance should you agree to move into a single (although you can suggest that your roommate take the single).
I would suggest you talk to the RA now, say you will not budge on this issue, and you feel the meeting is not necessary and will not be productive. You also have the option to take things up the ladder – go to the RA’s boss if there is one or talk to someone in a position of authority at the Office of Residential Life at your college.
You are correct in this situation; and I agree, do not attend the meeting alone. You could also just tell the RA that you are going to talk to Residential Life about the stress this is causing you. She may back off b/c she will be embarrassed perhaps if RL sees her “solution” as out of line, especially since the boyfriend is * not a student *!!! (That is an important fact).
I’d also be careful about giving her more “use” of the room with boyfriend…what if you need to study? aren’t feeling well? need to take a nap or want to do your reading in your quiet dorm room? Need to stop by the room quickly to get something for your next class?
This is totally unfair to you. Hold your ground. Good luck and let us know what happens.
I second @twoinanddone ‘s comment about her paying for the single even if she’s not the one living in it. She can live with her friend if she wants and pay the extra price to be with her bf, or she can opt for a room switch and you can get a new roommate (who must agree to not have visitors from the beginning). I know plenty of college students who would understand and be respectful of that decision.
Thank you all for your responses. Your answers have helped give me an outside view on the situation and make me feel less confused and lost. I’m going to email the RA and let her know that going to the meeting will be unproductive, as I will stand firm in my decision in not allowing male overnight guests. If that doesn’t work, I’ll send an email to the housing office and complain.