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<p>Any school would love to take “capable and driven” kids. The problem is what if the “capable” kids are not so “driven”?</p>
<p>jym, I don’t think of Vassar or NYU as a safety for anyone. It just is not a sure bet with the low admit rate and level of selectivity. </p>
<p>Falconmom, my husband and I are both self employed as well. In fact, my husband just moved/started a new practice. It has not taken off as well as hoped and in fact, the past two weeks, he has not been able to earn any take home money. We simply view paying for the education as something we are willing to go in debt for and to put as a top priority. I realize and can appreciate that not all would do this in our situation. </p>
<p>You are saying you would rather put $100,000 into a home for your child or to help him start a business. That is your choice and a fine one indeed. But it is not like we have $100,000 sitting around deciding what to spend it on. But we are willing to take loans to pay for education. Past graduation, we feel our kids are on their own and must support themselves. </p>
<p>You tacked on a quote about income in relation to where you go to college. Well of course! I agree it makes no difference. Only on CC have I read the mentality that a top school equates with a better income. I don’t agree with that at all. My kids didn’t pick their colleges with ANY thought to that their income potential would be better if they were to attend. In fact, they are in relatively low paying fields. I believe income potential is related to the individual and their field and not the college they attended. My kids picked their schools because these were perfect fits for them and that was worth the money to us. It had nothing to do with income potential. Again, our state U did not fit either of our kids for a myriad of reasons, including that neither of their majors is offered there. Admittedly, my kids are very driven types and I feel they could succeed no matter where they went to school. But I am grateful that each had an awesome experience at their colleges (both have graduated UG school) and found the perfect match.</p>
<p>From a high schooler’s point of view - my story was a bit different… my parents pushed me to get into Harvard/Yale/etc etc starting from a really really young age (think 5ish)… forced me to go to violin lessons, start SAT prep in 6th grade, all that stuff. They were really, really strict. Then my junior year, it was like the switch turned off- my dad and I got into a huge argument over something trivial and didn’t speak for a long time. During that point, he just stopped caring about me, or so it felt. No more “You have to go to Harvard” lectures every day.</p>
<p>That was when things clicked and I started getting self motivated. When my parents stopped pushing me, I realized that getting into a T10 school was something <em>I</em> wanted. I know a great part of it is due to luck and chance, but, I feel like allowing your kids to figure out what they really want is a key part to them finding success.</p>
<p>There have been endless debates on the role of nurture & nature (genes & environment) in how people “turn out.” I have known adoptive kids who have had all the advantages but for reasons unknown do NOT achieve like their adoptive parents (including not continuing education after HS, tho parents are college grads, encouraging & willing to fund). </p>
<p>There are so many factors at play, it makes little sense to re-start this debate/argument and try teasing out these factors that many fields have been working on, including education, sociology and other disciplines.</p>
<p>Many of us have put some limits on resources available for their higher education. Our family (like many) does NOT qualify for any need-based aid. We made that clear to our kids & S obligingly looked at schools he was interested in that offered significant merit aid (there are actually quite a few for high stats kids). We are happy that he chose and is thriving at one that provided generous merit aid. D was able to reduce her college costs by starting at CC for 3 semesters, leaving fewer credits to be earned at the expensive private she transferred to. We are glad that both appear to be thriving at their chosen U and can’t wait to see how life continues to unfold for them. </p>
<p>We do offer unconditional love and encouragement. We will also try to subsidize any graduate/professional school to the best of our abilities.</p>
<p>For me, my parents have always had expectations that to anyone else would seem ridiculously high. It was always taken for granted that we would have 4.0s, play sports, do music, and excel. My parents never pointed us towards specific colleges and have no idea about things like taking the SAT and SAT IIs, applying for financial aid, etc., but they made a lot of sacrifices so that we could pursue our interests and I’ve been more than happy to take care of the college admissions process myself. </p>
<p>Other than disagreements about certain activities (for instance, I decided to make music on my computer instead of staying in a semi-professional string quartet because one was fun and the other wasn’t), our parents have pretty much supported us in doing anything and everything. </p>
<p>Someone mentioned reading at an early age. Although my parents are blue-collar, our house is FULL of books. I honestly think this really contributed to our academic success. We’re all total bibliophiles. :)</p>
<p>Both H & I were fortunate to grow up in families which valued education and we passed that on. The OP ask us to name 3 things that contributed to our children’s success. Mine are:</p>
<ol>
<li>We considered academics a priority. Our kids knew that we expected them to perform to the best of their abilities.</li>
<li>I read to both of my kids every night from the time that they were babies until they went to middle school. </li>
<li>In one of my kid’s cases the school didn’t believe she was a student who needed the challenge of a more difficult curriculum. I did not accept their “she’s OK” when I knew she was bored and capable of much more. And I was right.</li>
</ol>
<p>Re: post 106…ditto…</p>
<p>Academics were a priority and doing one’s best was the mantra (thankfully kids wanted to do their best and that helped)</p>
<p>Also we read to each kid every night for years and years one on one, part of bedtime routine. </p>
<p>Also advocated in our schools for accommodations for our kids who had learning needs that were not met by the typical path. BTW, we have no gifted program in our schools here.</p>
<p>One kid’s dream school is another kid’s safety. My kids have been on both ends of that, with friends and neighbors!</p>
<p>S is attending his 1st choice school. With him, a big contributor to his success was a love of reading. We read to both our kids from a very young age, but only S took up reading as a hobby of his own (D hates to read). It made him a much better writer. He was accepted pretty much based on academics and high test scores, as his only real EC was Eagle Scout (which is actually a pretty good EC).</p>
<p>D was accepted into her “dream school”, for which she was on the low end of being a “match.” Factors for her were: 1) applying ED, and 2) her EC’s. As far as the EC’s we let her follow HER passions and we supported her in those. She ran for Class Officer even though I didn’t think she had time to spare, but it has been one of the most fulfilling things she’s done in h.s. and an amazing learning experience for her. She loved dance, so we paid for her tuition and costumes and gave up weekends to sit and watch her at competitions. She loved volleyball, so we drove her to practices for an off-season club team and gave up more weekends to watch her play. Eventually she gave up dance, but it was HER decision and HER timing. Honestly, if D didn’t have so many EC commitments, she could have gotten better grades. But she’s learned more from her EC’s than in many of her classes: valuable life skills such as communication, organization, teamwork, event planning, etc. I think that came through in her applications, and her commitment to her EC’s and her leadership positions in them was what put her over the top at her “dream” school. After she was accepted they sent her a letter inviting her to apply for a Leadership scholarship program, even though she was ED so they knew she was coming there anyway.</p>
<p>So I’d say:
- Read to your kids from the time they are babies. Have books around.
- Make school a priority. Don’t allow kids to miss school unless they are legitimately sick or they have a truly rare opportunity to do something else.
- Allow them to chose EC’s they are passionate about, and support them in those activities to the extent that you can possibly afford to. Expose them to many different activities when they’re young - a variety of sports, scouts, music lessons, dance, etc. Push them to try things if you have to, and make them stick with it for a full season or a year. Then after that, let them decide if they love it or want to move on to something else.
- Have high but realistic standards. If your kid studies and does all their homework and stays for extra help and gets a B-, then congratulate them. If they put in minimal effort on homework and don’t study and get a B-, then push them to achieve more.
- Look for colleges based on FIT for YOUR kid, NOT prestige. Don’t let your kid become obsessed with a school that’s a big reach. It’s fine to apply, but don’t focus all your energy there.</p>
<p>^</p>
<h1>1 & 2 are very similar to my prior post.</h1>
<h1>3,4 & 5- Yes, yes and yes.</h1>
<p>For me, I think the biggest factor was that after middle school my parents no longer controlled my life. They trusted me, and let me do my own thing. I’ve known a lot of people whose parents forced them to do their homework, join a sports team, etc., and most of these stories didn’t end so well…usually with the kid rebelling. Anyways, I think the freedom my parents gave me allowed me to do things because I wanted to, which later down the road showed in my applications.</p>
<p>After some reflection, I think it starts when they are very young, like FallGirl, I read to my children everyday for the first two years of their life and almost daily for years after that. I think that built some natural curiosity to the things of this world. From there, whereever their passion was we went, from dump trucks, to dinosaurs, to StarWars…we read, we learned, we immersed ourselves in that until the next passion came around. </p>
<p>Being active with the elementary schools helped keep us in touch and helped keep the communication flowing. There comes a transition where you are helping them to where they starting taking on more responsibility with homework. Somewhere around junior high I realized I never looked in their backpacks the entire junior high years. So somehow getting them to care and take responsibility for their school work. I’m not sure exactly how that happened but it did. We never paid for grades; only encouraged them to do their best. </p>
<p>Allowing them to quit Boy Scouts which they hated and find their passions elsewhere. And guess what? It happened. That was one of the best parenting decisions I have ever made. So many times we want them to be involved in things for ‘us’ and it prevents them from finding their true passions. </p>
<p>I also allowed my son to choose his high school. He choose the larger public school where his friends were rather than the lab school associated with the college in town that has a better reputation for academics. Ended up he’s performed at the top of his very large class. Another very good decision. </p>
<p>Dream college? We visited 12 schools. He applied to five…all of which he would be happy to attend. He has heard back from one so far with an acceptance so I feel like we have succeeded!</p>
<p>I guess unless you’ve parented kids who are well into adulthood, you really don’t know if you’ve been successful or not! Perhaps the thread should read: “What did YOUR parents do right, parents of CC?” :)</p>
<p>I have three who all got into reach schools, early action or early decision. One of the schools is a reach for anyone, and the other two are schools that are just below the Ivies for students who were not the greatest high school students.</p>
<p>I think what we did was talk to our children about the what we read in the newspaper throughout their lifetimes. These discussions resulted in the children’s comfort in seeing the proverbial large picture, as well as helping them learn about the world around them as a complicated interesting place. When it was time for each child to write college essays, writing about an experience in the context of larger issues was second nature. </p>
<p>In addition, we listened to and talked with our children often. I think that all the annoyingly late night conversations helped us understand what they wanted out of life, and school, and also helped them express their ideas coherently. They internalized some of our values which include finding activities the children liked rather than doing what they needed to get into prestigious schools. This meant no SAT or ACT review classes or tutors although two of my children studied for these tests a little at home.</p>
<p>I spent a lot of time online reading about schools during my children’s junior years. Because we live near many colleges and attend theatrical, musical and athletic events on several different campuses, my children were extremely familiar with college life long before high school. When it came time to selecting schools to apply to, we didn’t visit any schools until late summer senior year and visited only about four per child. I felt my children were less overwhelmed and stressed than others because they didn’t have too many choices.</p>
<p>Finally, I found safety schools my children loved. These schools had early non-binding decision dates, so that my children had the confidence that comes from knowing early they could go to schools they liked. Like several other posters, we thought more about fit than prestige. </p>
<p>Good luck, and don’t worry.</p>
<p>stanfordalum - post 107 - you are kidding right?</p>
<p>I think she is kidding or it’s just her wish. It might be what my parents hope for but here i am on cc… it reminded me a sat vocab word, called “anachronism.” :)</p>
<p>Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask the kids, “What did your parents do right?”</p>
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<p>My BIL and SIL would not allow my nephew to purchase/play video games, and he ended up at Stanford, so maybe there is something to what s/he says! I know I used it as the rationale for not letting my son buy a game system, lol.</p>
<p>btw, on my nephew’s 18th birthday, he asked for $$ and immediately ran out and bought a video game system.</p>
<p>I can understand no video games. my parents wouldn’t allow me to play and that’s okay with me as long as i have the internet. i don’t have a cell phone either. almost all my friends do and i feel outof place.</p>
<p>I can’t exactly speak for my whole life, but I can tell you what my parents did since I decided where I wanted to go in march of my Junior year.</p>
<p>My mom constantly stayed on my back and annoyed me to make sure I was taking care of my school work. She reminded me that I chose my touuuuuugh schedule and that it would pay off. She also helped me set up some extracurricular things. She made sure I was able to go visit the colleges I wanted, and always asked for a thorough list of things I liked and disliked about each. She was a huuuge help in the whole process, she kept track of little things for me and annoyed me into staying on top of every thing. She also had faith that if I could get in, that I would find away to pay for it and had faith that the financial aid would come.</p>
<p>My dad was skeptical, seeing as it was a top school I was applying to he was afraid I’d get my hopes up and have them crushed. He also was skeptical that if I got in that I would receive the financial aid I needed like the brochures claimed. He encouraged me by telling me was I going to attend the local for profit “college” lol.</p>
<p>And taking away your kids video games won’t guarantee anything. It’s up to him/her to be responsible enough to not waste their time. I unplugged my xbox and put it in the closet of another room in my house in the weeks preceding my AP tests last year. I didn’t study a minute all last year, and successfully crammed for 2 tests in 3 weeks. This year I wasted plenty of time and when I should have been doing applications playing video games…</p>
<p>Also, let your kid have fun in high school. Don’t be one of those parents who doesn’t allow their kid to ever go out on a friday night, you’ll regret it once they’re in college and going wild with their new found freedom.</p>
<p>From the first strength, and I can’t even remember now which it was, I encouraged and fed and admired and sought other courses and similar interests and then divergent interests and fed and admired and then encouraged some more. And it didn’t matter how far I had to drive, or how many times she had to attend, we went everywhere she needed or desired to be- and we never had any money whatsoever, but what money we needed we found…and I enjoyed every moment. I think the latter was the best thing I ever did for my daughter- I enjoyed every moment. And she saw that and then enjoyed what she did even more. I’d do it all again the exact same way. And those words are my happy happy success.</p>