You seem to misunderstand completely, and your assumptions are way, way off base. My ds may choose to pay for dates because its (a) the nice thing to do and (b) because he wants to. I have no idea how much he is paying vs how much she is paying. Dont care. Its none of my business. But having the car means he may drive if they go out, and gas was pretty darned expensive this past semester. If he pays when they do something, its because he wants to, not because he has to, just like you said. But it comes out of his budget. Thats all. Don’t read more into it than is there. Really. If they go out in groups, probably everyone pays for themselves. Thats pretty common. But if you think for one minute that it doesnt cost any more to have a girlfriend, then think again. He may buy her gifts. I dont know. No one but you is implicating that it means the gf “owes” them dessert if they pay for dinner. Thats not what anyone but YOU is implying. Yuk.</p>
<p>I usually opt out of any threads POIH is commenting on because he is frequently irrational, but his last post was so offensive I feel compelled to respond: My son pays when he goes on a date, not; you horrible man because he wants to buy himself some sex, but because he is somewhat old-fashioned and considers himself a gentleman and in his world a gentleman pays. No true gentleman feels owed anything when he treats a woman on a date. On the flip side I don’t consider girls who allow a young man to pay to be opportunistic or grasping. I wouldn’t assign labels or unpleasant stereotypes to your daughter, I thank you not to assign them to my son or anybody else’s son. My son is in a better financial situation then his girlfriend, you know none of that “crushing debt”, while she NEEDS loans to complete her education. They go out; he pays out of his personal money, not H and mine. Good Lord POIH, you are just nasty sometimes.</p>
<p>You associated cost to your DS girlfriend. Cost is always associated with an item/service. If you pay that cost you are entitled to that item/service.</p>
<p>You can defend what ever way you want to but when you associated cost to yours DS girlfriend that gave out the mindset. Yuk.</p>
<p>Glad to know that your DS pays on dates but then don’t cosider it as a cost of having a girlfriend.
I specifically said anyone who thinks about cost of having a girlfriend are not gentleman.</p>
<p>As explained in #123 cost is always associated with item/service.</p>
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<p>I’m not nasty but the concept of associating girlfriends to cost is nasty.</p>
<p>Your argument is bizarre POIH. When you have a GF, you go to the movies, you take her out to eat, you go to clubs, you go to lounges, you go out on other romantic dates. That is all normal and it doesn’t even include romantic gifts (Which again, are also normal). Even if you split everything 50/50, you are still spending more money than you would if you didn’t have a GF. Which is the point people here are trying to make.</p>
she needs to learn to be more eclectic in her tastes and to balance eating at more modestly priced restaurants. Even if a date is paying his own way, maybe he doesnt want to feel compelled to eat at an expensive restaurant in Boston, which can be very pricey. If he feels compelled to eat at a high-priced restaurant b/c your DD wants to, then its an expense out of HIS budget (which might be tight) and it costs him money. This is not hard to understand. Really. </p>
<p>The most offensive thing is your belief that a guy will feel the girl “owes” him something if he pays for the night’s activities. Thats really primitive.</p>
<p>There are lots of students who does all the above activities with other friends but don’t call it cost of having friends. Those are cost of doing those things.</p>
<p>A 49ers game with my friend cost me $300 and similarly a concert with my wife. The cost is of enjoying the game or concert and not of having a friend or wife.</p>
<p>POIH…this is an alltime low blow post for your. Are you suggesting that if a guy pays for his date he “wants” something in return? You honestly make me sick. I have a son and he often treats his dates to an evening out. The notion that he would pay to get a “return” is beyond disgusting.</p>
<p>If your daughter is going out with guys who “expect something in return for paying for her”, perhaps she needs to find more well mannered young dates.</p>
<p>Just because she likes to go to particular resturants doesn’t mean she forces unwilling people to go those resturants or activities. Two or more people when decide to go to a place or outing generally include consent from everyone other wise it is not sane. I don’t expect DD to be bullying anyone or get bullied by anyone.</p>
<p>Except we’re not talking about friends. We’re talking about a GF. And when you have a GF you tend to be much more sociable.(In my experience) From there, it really all depends on the girl. Some are frugal in their tastes and others are high-maintenance. I just don’t see it as bad if I want to spend $$ on her. Does it cost me more when i have a GF? It sure does. But again, that is my choice. That’s not a bad thing.</p>
<p>The problem is not that all boys or their parent thinks the same. Those who thinks of having a girlfriend as a cost have this mind set. If your DS and you don’t think of your DS girlfriend as a cost or an expensive habbit then you are not one of them.</p>
<p>I specifically said it’s the mind set of thinking of girlfriend as cost leads to all that behavior issues.</p>
<p>Again, that is a completely subjective thing that depends on the tastes of the female in question. Your argument in this thread has been that paying for dates is equivalent for having the expectation that your GF put out later on.</p>
<p>That is just a completely draconian mentality.</p>
<p>From your responses here, I’m going to guess that since you’re married, you’ve been out of the dating game for a good long while. Because I have not seen somebody be so far off the mark in a long, long time.</p>
<p>jsanche32: It’s not draconian mentality. If you think of girlfriends as cost, then you are sick. And my argument is that people with that mentality will expect something in return at the end of the date.</p>
<p>If you are a true gentleman then you don’t consider having a girlfriend as a cost and so there are no low or high maintenance girlfriends. I’ve no problem with those true gentlemen.</p>
<p>This is tiresome and may be time for a new direction or thread. These are all young adults you are talking about and they are capable of making their own decisions and using their own judgement in the dating world. </p>
<p>I will make another observation on the primary topic, it is inconceivable to me that a college kid would ever unless home on break, ever set foot in a nice restaurant or fine dining establishment. There is a important commonality to the “poor college kid” existence which is clearly part of the experience. My college generation certainly grew from being poor together and we had a great time. Plus, use of funds on this luxury item certainly does not give much confidence in budgeting skills.</p>
<p>See, that’s were you’re wrong. Your argument here is completely emotional. You’re arguing cost from a completely emotional perspective. I’m simply being dispassionately objective. And I’m sorry to break it to you, but it does cost money to treat your GF to things (over and above what you would do if you were single).</p>
<p>Your posts are spot on. The costs are the costs associated with the activities engaged in with the gf. POIH, I forgot how linear and rigid your thinking can be. You say , for eg
The cost is the cost of the ticket, to participate in the activity. It isnt the cost of enjoyment. It is the cost incurred to attend. And as so many here have tried in vain to explain is that when a buy has a girlfriend, he may choose to participate in more social events and it COSTS $$$$. So if my ds is tracking these costs on mint.com (and I am hoping he is), I am the one saying (not him) that he may label the category “girlfriend” costs. As jsanche said, a guy is likely to want to do what the girl wants, so if she says she’s heard of or been to this phenomenal restaurant that she really wants him to experience with her (I am making this up as an example-- dont get all hung up on the wording), he may want to oblige, even if its out of his monthly food budget. Your thinking really is fascinating.</p>
<p>Everything but monthly spending money (this means we pay for tuition and board at the most expensive college in New England, flights, clothing, health insurance, etc.), and we pay for summer programs. We feel that she is perfectly capable of earning spending money (she even earned money, abroad, during her Gap year) and can pay for her own fro-yo and club entries.</p>