<p>POIH, I would not have thought to say that I was burdened with the cost of a child. But the fact remains that I did bear the cost of the child. So, I guess, by extension, it is a “burden.” Why is this acknowledgment wrong? I bear many burdens: some by choice, some by responsibility. It is what it is. But it is not a judgment.</p>
<p>DS joined us for dinner this evening. I asked his opinion about this thread. His response: “Why do you waste your time getting sucked into a debate with a ■■■■■?”</p>
<p>I think maybe my words were lost in my l-o-n-g post. I said I had my S take out Staffords each year to impress on him this was not high school anymore and college was not free. He was what I would describe as a perfect son. My family did too. I was lulled into thinking that I was a spectacular mother with just the “right” touch. And then spring of Jr. year hit and all h*ll broke loose. By his senior year a different son was living in my house. So, fearing he might waste his opportunity at his top Uni, I determined he should take out the small stafford’s so he would understand if he wasted this chance it was going to be his debt. Sign the papers bucko, now we are in this together. (jeez, as we know, $5,000 a year doesn’t even begin to cover it.) I could have dropped the policy by soph. year, he had done a 180, and he loved, loved, loved college. But than he joined a frat and had to live in it that year. So…more incentive to stay focused. It all seems to have worked out just great, and he seems no worse for the wear. I would do it again for this kind of kid. </p>
<p>But, loading him up with “crushing” debt was not even in my post. Not sure why that keep getting said. I know he won’t have to have the credit card lesson now, because he has felt this student loan debt. He will not graduate with crushing debt, or any debt for that matter, because I am paying it off the month before graduation. </p>
<p>As for the GF debate…I hesitate to chime in but I have strong feelings on this. I have always encouraged my son to pay for a girl he is dating or has asked out to an event he planned. Started in High School. He is 21 and will be working in the city soon, dating woman regularly. Don’t laugh, but I remember like it was yesterday, how I felt when a man asked me out, picked the activity and than as the check came he asked me to split it. NO, No, NO for my son when he is well into his 20’s. I have also explained that he should not confuse this with girls who go to bars and get guys to by them $15 cosmo’s all night! (everyone pitching in for gas is not in this discussion- gas for road trips must be split between all in the car IMO)</p>
<p>I have noticed it is still the same today- The girls and GF’s "kiss’ back. His girls seem to pick up the tab sometimes, treat him to expensive concert tickets, and invite him for a weekend they planned at their parents vacation house. From what I witness, the GF’s are very giving too, but he does pay the most. And that is fine, makes him understand he better giddy-up so he can support his future wife and children. He also opens doors, stands up when a woman leaves the table, he seats her, buys her gifts and cards (for me too; the more he learns to do for these girls, the better he treats me!) and he writes thank you notes- not emails. He has personalized stationary. The parents of his special girls, starting in high school, have always made a big deal about his manners and his thoughtfulness and kindness. That’s what I always wanted for him. I never wanted him to be a patsy in college (thus a budget that was about the same as his friends and roomies) but I always stress not being cheap. It is easy to justify being cheap when you don’t have a lot of disposable income in college, but it often becomes a habit. He has always seen his father pay, so to him this what being a man is. (I don’t think any of us should worry, these girls are just killing it in college and there is a good chance our son’s will date and marry women who out earn them. But I’m petty sure the guys will still be picking up most of the tabs) I don’t have any girls, but if I did I would still feel the same way.</p>
<p>MiamiDap: I have been meaning to tell you that I have given a lot of thought to your notion that many things just cause drama. You find so many ways to weave this point of view into your posts. At first I scoffed. But over time, I have begun to wonder if I started from the drama that will be created and work backward, maybe a lot of issues would never get to the point of causing the horrid drama. I have not even begun to master this thought process…but I just wanted to comment on it.</p>
<p>In our family, we discuss many things, including some unpleasant stuff. We talk about finance, living arrangement, adult child behavior around us…i usually give my kids plenty of heads up, so they are not caught off guard. When they were younger, I would tell them our schedule for next few days, so they could plan ahead. Now as young adults, I do tell them what we will pay and will not pay few years ahead (told D1 that she’ll need to be on her own after graduation). Those conversations maybe unpleasant sometimes, but they do not cause any drama in our family. </p>
<p>What I think is more difficult for kids is when parents waffle back and forth about what they will do or not do, or when there is an under tone of what parents may or may not do. I find uncertainty causes more drama, not discussion of any issue.</p>
<p>Interesting articles [The</a> True Cost of Having a Girlfriend - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com](<a href=“http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/156583/the_true_cost_of_having_a_girlfriend.html]The”>http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/156583/the_true_cost_of_having_a_girlfriend.html)</p>
<p>[How</a> much does your girlfriend cost? - Mind Your Decisions](<a href=“http://mindyourdecisions.com/blog/2010/01/06/how-much-does-your-girlfriend-cost/]How”>How much does your girlfriend cost? – Mind Your Decisions)</p>