<p>J. Wang, this essay would receive an 8 out of 12. It is closer to a 7 than a 9. There are quite a few GUM mistakes (grammar-usage-mechanics), but the bigger issue holding you back is that your examples don't provide enough insight. So I agree with stix's feedback but not with stix's total score. Each of the two CB readers would be waffling between a 3 and a 4, but both would ultimately tip towards 4, and thus you'd receive an 8. They don't get to consult with one another and agree on a 7. The difference between 3 and 4 according to the CB boils down to inadequate and adequate (their words, not mine). Your essay is not inadequate. It just wasn't insightful enough in its examples or nuanced enough in its argument/position to earn a 5 or 6. </p>
<p>For example, in your personal example, you could have elaborated more on WHY you chose not to buy the car. After three long years of saving, what brought on this epiphany? </p>
<p>Don't, btw, let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be using personal examples at all. I hear that all the time and it's terrible advice.</p>
<p>The 9/11 example is a little risky. Remember, you're being asked to show insight with your examples, not just list examples that are relevant. It is hard not to lapse into cliches when you choose one of the most obvious and worn-out examples.</p>