What should I do when I want friends when I'm friendless?

College Confidential Community
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<p>So basically, here it is. It's a long post, I know. I know you probably don't see many posts like this in CC, but here it is. Please, please, I'm really begging you, if you have ever improved your people skills from being hopeless, or if you could offer some tips for me about making friends, that would be awesome. I spent like 2 hours tying it out (it's very thorough, and concise about my problem. Please, please, I hope you can read it, and understand that I'm not an f'd up person, and that it's just that I'm really good at analyzing problems, and I more or less traced probably all the sources/causes of my problems, so that maybe you could help me solve them).</p>

<p>A little background: So, when I entered high school, I had like 6 friends. I never really "hung out" with friends. Like I know people - actually I think it's a lot, right(?), who hang out in the weekends, and do stuff together. I'm not really that kind of person. I also never call friends (all of my friends were like that). We just maybe once in 2-3 months (in middle school) had a sleepover, and hung out, and stuff. </p>

<p>So this is what happened to the 6 friends:</p>

<p>Friend #1: Became a runner, and now doesn't talk to me too much
Friend #2: Talks to me a little here and there in the hall
Friend #3: Is a slob. He became my friend in the 4th grade, and back then, he was pretty cool - wild, but fun. Then as time went on, he became more and more weird, and more of a slob who was not a great person to talk to…he was kinda outgoing (unlike me, and I'm completely not), but I felt he was just not…rational or ever used his brain (sorry to say that, I don't judge people by intelligence or talk to people because of that, but he was just annoying). I kind of cut of connection with him, but then again, we were drifting off
Friend #4,5: Both crazy people, the oddballs. They were, well, individual, different, and I just stopped hanging out with them. I mean, they were waay too into video games, talked to me about video games I didn't care, but more importantly, I think I didn't really get together with them much. It might have been because I was busy, but I'm not really sure
Friend #6: I met him the year before high school, and I'd consider him my only real friend now. It's sad. But, even then, he's probably not even a "best" friend type. Our conversations are kind of superficial. They don't have much of a depth to them (science and technology). Then again, I don't know how many guys really do have in depth conversations. At least, though, I can say, If I had a crush on any one, I wouldn't tell this friend, because I don't think he would care, nor would it be anything we'd talk about. I also sort of stopped hanging out a lot with him, so our friendship is maybe kind of strained.</p>

<p>I'm starting to feel that I have major problems with people skills. I guess a bigger problem for me is that I know I'm 2 years away from college, and with the people skills I have, I might just end up friendless in college, and how much fun would that be…And honestly, it's not that I think I'm a horrible speaker (I'm in a speech team, and I'm an ok talker), it's just, I don't want to try too hard in college (I saw this girl in an internship do it - she repelled people), and end up having people hate me.</p>

<p>So, I mentally feel horrible. The friends I initially had are like gone. Even if I did have them, I seriously don't want to hang out with them.</p>

<p>But, just don't get the wrong idea. Please, try to understand this, I'm not depressed or anything - do you get what I mean? I feel fine - I get along great with my parents, I do some ec's with some people I talk to when I meet them. I know what it feels like to be nearly depressed, and this isn't like that, and even when that happened to be a long time ago, it wasn't because of friends. I'm very stable. It's just - I know there's something you would have inside of you - a satisfaction of a kind, when you have friends, and I'm missing the touch. Also, I know people worse off than me, so it makes me feel better.</p>

<p>But see, when I was in elementary school, I had this great bunch of friends. I wasn't the group leader, no, there was a really cool guy, P, who was a great guy. But all my friends in that group moved away. I know if I was in that group for a longer time, I'd be having fun (not popular, but still having good friends). </p>

<p>So, here are my positives: I really care about people, I'm an ok talker (as I said, I'm in a speech team, and I'm ok), and I'm a sharp thinker (not fast to be witty often though)</p>

<p>My negatives: I'm really, really awkward with people. I often don't have things to say immediately (this is actually a huge problem of mine. I must look like an idiot), I'm shy at first, and I care way way too much of what other people think about me.</p>

<p>I'm weird, talking to people. I often freeze up, when talking to people, and I guess I just kinda look retarded. I suck at events like dances, and when my awkward friends can manage getting someone to dance with, I can't dance with anyone. Also, I guess I have maybe an inferiority complex thing…I don't feel comfortable talking to people who are way better, more enthusiastic, etc than me. I go to a school where most of the student body are pretty or handsome. I mean, it's ridiculous. I'm not anywhere near, or atleast I think it. I had pretty low self-esteem in this regard. </p>

<p>I'm also kinda scared what people would think of me if I all of a sudden get better, and start being enthusiastic. </p>

<p>I know I want to enjoy high school. I want to enjoy college. I want to enjoy my life. I just need to start with friends. I dunno. Is it too late for friends in high school? I'm awkward, don't know what the heck to do, and yeah.</p>

<p>So, if you could tell me:
-do you have no/if any/in my situation type friends?
-I need to stop caring what others think of me.
-anything else.</p>

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<p>In my experience people usually become friends with people who hang out with them a lot (unless you're really, really rude or obnoxious, which you aren't). Thus, if you want friends, you need to find people who won't think it's weird that you're hanging out with them a lot. You can do this by</p>

<p>(1) Going to a place where nobody knows anyone else and everyone's trying to make new friends. (a new school, a summer program, etc.) Before social cliques start to form, you can (and are expected to) hang around people with impunity.
(2) Hanging out in a "formal" social group that's, by policy, welcoming of new members (church, various clubs/activities, etc.)
(3) Getting on the Internet, where it's easy to bond over shared interests. (On the Internet, you can spend hours talking to strangers about how to get into good colleges. In real life, that would be weird.) Having a genuine, lasting topic of discussion helps ensure proximity.
(4) Talking to one person regularly about random stuff (maybe someone who sits next to you in class), then sitting with him at lunch and meeting his friends. Merging into a social group is a lot less weird when at least one person from the group already thinks you belong to it.</p>

<p>Knowing the time of day, that probably made no sense.</p>

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<p>Just find people you have stuff in common with (music, sports, or even just similar class schedules and teachers you can complain about) and you'll be okay. It's a lot easier to talk to people with whom you share interests, and eventually, you'll be able to talk about other things just as casually.</p>

<p>Don't even worry about making friends. I was less liked when I cared what people thought of me than I was when I spoke out a lot in spite of others' opposing opinions. Talk a lot in class. Make your voice known. Make casual conversation every once in a while, but be brief, not overly talkative. Teenagers like people who are friendly but aloof. Be witty too. Always have something to say about something (though don't always voice it if it's not exactly appropriate).</p>

<p>It's kind of hard to stop being awkward of first, but the key is being casual about everything, blithe. Also, be cool. Have something special about you that sets you apart from others.</p>

<p>Yeah.</p>

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<p>@fizix2
Thanks for your suggestions. I don't really have a place to go where new cliques form at school, and I don't go to church or anything, or any formal things for that matter. I'm more concerned with school friendships now, vs. internet ones. The last suggestion is a very good one actually. I'm going to try to do that. Any suggestions like that - stuff which I could do at school, now, would be great. Thanks!</p>

<p>@clove7965
Yeah, I did try making small talk before. But, usually, it was only about school. I think it gets boring after a while, but I'm not sure what sort of stuff to go into. I'd like to be more blithe...I guess I care way too much of what people think about me. When you mean talk out in class, do you mean like talking to other people in class.</p>

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<p>When I mean speak up in class, I mean particularly English classes or related classes that involve participating a lot. Sometimes girls think it's cute when guys don't shut up about Thomas Hardy or Shakespeare or whathaveyou.</p>

<p>Just ease up, man! People aren't so good as to deserve your being nervous over them.</p>

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<p>Think before you speak and you will probably never say anything to stupid.</p>

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<p>@ [ very sorry ] I'm not really worried about saying anything. I'm just not speaking up much...</p>

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<p>ummm
i think you should stop hoping that your current friends will change because that's not going to happen, and just move on to a different group of friends.
what i would do if i were you is find people in my classes or people who i walk past in school who dont seem to have any friends or just 1 or 2 friends and try to get to know those people better. it'll probably be easier than just trying to join a big group.
while you are in class talk to the people around you, and once they get to know you, they'll be more friendly toward you. you might find some common interest and end up hanging out with them. if you have a group or partnered project try to be friendly and easygoing and you might end up becoming someone in that groups friend.
i think the best way to start a conversation with a person is to ask a question. like you can ask them if they understood what the teacher was talking about, or what the homework was, or how you get to some location. after they've answered the question you can extend the conversation a little bit and after awhile they'll feel comfortable around you. also, if you ask a person a question it makes them feel like you think they are smart.
oh and its really important not to act really desperate. i talked to this guy one time and the next day he was following me around school and it was kind of creepy. dont act like you really really need/want friends because also people might lose some respect for you.
you could join some clubs or a sports team. also, you said you're in debate, so why not try to know those people better? at least they share one common interest with you. i dont really know what debate team does, but maybe you could invite them to your house to practice? or like bring snacks to a meeting or something...
and i wouldnt worry about your looks if i were you. most people really dont care about that when it comes to same-sex friends, as long as you have good hygiene and dont dress too bad. also, you're probably underestimating your looks and its not like everyone else thinks they look that great either.</p>

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<p>I have sort of the same problem. :(</p>

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<p>I have a bit of the same type of problem as you, but just be yourself when you talk to other people. I used to try way too hard to please people, and it didn't really work. Talk to people around you and ask them about school stuff (like homework questions or something), and then you can start talking about other stuff and get into their group a bit more. Also try to find people who you think are similar to you (like similar interests or personality), and that will help. You can make friends really fast in the right environment, like a few hours working on a group project, or sitting together on a bus, or something like that.</p>

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<p>Meeting people? Just say hi! I know it's awkward but a "Hey" or "Hi" or "Hello" never turns someone off. Initiate conversation. If you see someone at lunch or in a club that is in another class of yours, say "Hey. I think you're in my ______ class." You can talk about the teacher, the subject matter, if you think the class will be hard, or how that stupid radiator won't shut-up!</p>

<p>For those people who are "worse off than you" why not try talking to them? You won't have to deal with anything like cliques or anything so it'll be much easier. I'm sure that theres atleast 1 or 2 that would fit as a friend.</p>

<p>Sitting on the bus, like monkey said, is a great way for some quick chit-chat to become closer to someone. See someone reading? Ask them what they're reading, do they enjoy it, etc.</p>

<p>Little questions can open up big conversations.</p>

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<p>Like WatchMeShine basically said, a simple "hello", "hey!", or even just a smile when walking by someone in the hallway will do wonders! For people I don't even know that well, I've found that they're all great conversation starters. If you appear approachable and pleasant to talk, the gears will be set in motion (sorry if that imagery sounded awkward...).</p>

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<p>Why care in the first place?</p>

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<p>
[quote]
You can talk about the teacher, the subject matter, if you think the class will be hard, or how that stupid radiator won't shut-up!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I find that bashing a bad teacher is a great conversation starter.</p>

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<p>Oh whoops....sorry everyone. I didn't check for all these replies. Thanks...they're all great! Oh, by the way, (irrelevant to this post), I've made a few resolutions for my new school year, for my life. One of them is to just be honest about myself, and don't do dumb stuff (like starting a ton of threads on CC....I was really stupid for doing that.) I want to follow net ettiquite, so instead of starting a whole bunch of new threads, I decided to respond to what people said on CC, because the community is really awesome here(I thought you guys should know that, yay!). So, I've used a lot of "@"' s to symbolize whose post I'm referring to, but feel free to reply to anything which I wrote to another person. </p>

<p>@WatchMeShine: I guess the people worse off than me...well, they kind of suck, horribly, like, sorry to say it, at life and in school. I really wouldn't want to assosiate my self with them. I really appreciate all the comments about different ways to just chill, and get into conversations. </p>

<p>@MetdthGNR: Well, I guess we have the same problem, so</p>

<p>@clove7965: Thanks a lot for that. Yeah, I think one of the first things I need to do is to try to be less nervous around people. I find that when I try practicing how to speak (for competitions), or just think about ways to act, on my own, I find I do it better when I'm alone... I'm also wittier when I don't have anyone to respond to. </p>

<p>@squirrel_monkey: How are differnt ways to go into conversations other than school. Like do you guys have any suggestions? I'm thinking something like "How's you're weekend", but I can't really think of much else... Oh, and I don't go on the bus...</p>

<p>By the way, when you're in a place with maybe 5 minutes or so before you get picked up or something, and everyone else is in their groups and what not, talking to eachother, is there anything I can do? I often don't really know too many people at times, so I don't know what to do. Thanks guys!</p>

<p>@diehldun: Thanks for that tip! I'm going to try it out. I always have some people say hi to me (I'm in a couple of ecs's, and a lot of people know me). I'll try to use that as a conversation starter. </p>

<p>@firewalker: I kind of explained in my first post why, but basically it's that I'm not 100% happy with myself, and I know I can change, and I want to do well in college with having friends and what not. </p>

<p>@rockermcr: Yeah, talking about school in a good warmer. I've sort of talked about that stuff with some people, but I think after a while, it might become some sort of a turn off with some people. </p>

<p>Do you guys think like asking someone, "Hey how did you're ______tournament go" would be creepy or would be friendly, if you're just talking to a person, and they tell you what they're doing?</p>

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<p>*shrugs (10char)</p>

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<p>i dont think it would be creepy at all, it shows that you are actually listening to what they say</p>

<p>what would be creepy is maybe if they told you they were going to watch some obscure movie and then 2 months later you ask them if it was good
or if you say 'hey you wore that shirt 13 days ago!'</p>

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<p>Join some clubs at school -- clubs that have to do with things that interest you. Volunteer to help the clubs out with tasks that need people to work on them. One of the best way to make friends is doing things with people whom you have things in common with. Lots of people like to join clubs, but few choose to do the work of helping clubs run, so the people who do choose to do the work tend to get to know each other very well and to become friends.</p>

<p>The classic book, "How to make friends and influence people" can be helpful as can checking out the shyness.com web page that was created by a Stanford psychology prof who's an expert on shyness.</p>

<p>Volunteering is another good way of overcoming shyness. In virtually any kind of volunteer work, you get to interact with friendly people, and that helps your social skills, confidence and gives you things to talk about with others.</p>

<p>I used to be very shy, so am speaking from experience. Fortunately, shyness and social skills are fairly easy problems to solve. Take baby steps, and one day, you'll wake up and realize that you have friends, and are comfortable interacting socially.</p>