what to do about an incredibly RUDE, mean, condescending roommate?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>So this girl and I knew each other from high school, both got accepted to UW-Madison in the same week mid-March and decided "Hey, let's room together!" She seemed very sweet so i didn't think it would be a problem. We got a great room with our own bathroom! The first day we planned on splitting the closet, storage containers for food and toiletries, and fridge fifty-fifty. however, that hasn't been the case. she told me "my jeans and shirts are much more expensive than yours so i need to hang them all up. you'll have to fold the rest of your clothes" Her mom even told me "Yeah, what she wants she gets!"so i get about a fifth of the closet. i didn't complain about this and kept my mouth shut even though i have some very nice dresses and sweaters that are folded up in my dresser because she stuffed the whole closet with her clothes. our room is l-shaped and she said "i need all the open space so you need to move your desk and bed to the small part of the l-shaped room" so i have my bed, book shelf, our mini fridge and food storage containers all shoved in one corner. i keep it very tidy but she always says "ugh it's so cluttered over there". We have one of the cleanest rooms in the dorm and we both take the trash out, clean the entire bathroom, vacuum, etc but she always throws a fit and says "i vaccumed today. hopefully we can keep it clean for a decent amount of time" and calls me saying "i'm with a friend and we're heading to the dorm to watch a show on my tv so make sure the dorm is clean and you haven't made a mess of anything. thanks." That's the thing...she always says "my futon...my microwave...my printer..my tv" and acts possessive over them even though i brought all of them....but oh well. I've kept my mouth shut about this as well. </p>

<p>When my boyfriend comes to visit, usually only once a month because he lives a few hours away, she acts annoyed that there's someone sleeping on "her" futon even though we make sure we're being respectful of her and her space. when her boyfriend comes to visit, however, she says "My boyfriend is coming tomorrow so you need to be out of the room from 2 pm to 1 am." This all happened within three weeks of moving in. At first i thought i was doing my part to keep the room looking nice, and was always respectful to her, but she always made it seem like i was a bad roommate. there was one morning that i woke up late and needed to run to Union South to pick up a replacement WisCard because my old one fell out of my backpack the day before...that was when everything got worse. i grabbed clothes out of my dresser, ran to the bathroom, got dressed quick, shut the lights off and basically sprinted to the office to get there in time before class. i had forgotten i left my pj's on the floor in the bathroom and didn't get a chance to take the recycling out that morning. i was in class and thought "SHOOT i left things in the bathroom this morning :( i hope she's not upset that it's messy. i'll clean it up as soon as i get done with class at 3." i came back to the dorm to find my clothes not in my hamper right in front of my desk, but hanging on my lamp on my desk. the recycling was also dumped out right on my desk as if to prove a point "if you won't take the recycling out, it belongs here." it wasn't even like i was being lazy, i forgot because i was in a rush. so i told her later that day "i had to get ready quick this morning, i'm realy really sorry about leaving my things in the bathroom, it won't happen again." so she said "better not, i'm not your mom." so i got annoyed and replied " while we're talking, i've tried to be a respectful roommate but you've been incredibly condescending, interrupting me and finishing my sentences, giving me only a fraction of the closet because you're "used to it that way" kicking me out of the room for 5 to 11 hours at a time twice a week on average" and she screamed "YOU'RE A SLOB! HOLY ***** HOW HARD IS IT TO TAKE OUT THE RECYCLING? YOU'RE F*<em>KING LAZY AND I'M SICK OF IT" i told my friend this the next day and he replied "umm your room's the cleanest out of all of them. you guys do a good job at keeping it tidy, don't pay attention to her" the next day she apologized and said "this is why my boyfriend wants to break up with me. he says i'm very rude to other people and that i act like i'm a princess so i'll try not to do it anymore." but it only got worse from there...since then, when she's had friends in the room while i'm studying she'll pull the person outside the door to our room and whisper in his ear, while looking straight at me so i know she's talking about me. i also woke up at 1 am to her and her friend watching a movie at full volume...they turned it off and her friend said "thanks for letting me crash here!" and my roommate said "yeah but about....." to which her friend said "what the f</em> is up with HER? is she evil or what?!" and my roommate said "Yeah. whatever." i gave a little cough so they knew i was actually awake and could hear they were talking about me and they were immediately silent. the next day she didn't say a word to me the whole day. i told her "have a nice day." on the way to class and she replied "k." since then, whenever i have walked into the room while she has visitors they immediately stop talking or laughing, not even acknowledging me. every night while i'm trying to fall asleep and she has them there i hear them talking and then all of a sudden whispering and every once in a while i'll hear my name but i couldn't care less what they're saying about me now.</p>

<p>I'm sick of this. I'm sick of her talking behind my back like it's high school. i'm sick of getting groceries and setting them on top of the mini fridge for her to say "you're gonna have to move those. my mom is bringing me two crates of arnold palmer tomorrow and they're going THERE." i'm sick of her acting like she's "allowing" me to live in the room. </p>

<p>It's interfering with my study habits because i constantly worry about what she's telling people about me or that she'll get mad at me for coming back to the room while she has people over. I've tried to be a good roommate but obviously it's not working. I talked to someone at University Housing who will allow me to switch to a single room at a dorm nearby possibly before the end of the semester...so what do you think i should do? Try to fix things with my roommate yet again or move out?</p>

2

<p>Wow that sounds awful. I would definitely move out. She sounds like a spoiled brat, and the worst part is that her own boyfriend tells her so, yet she does nothing about it. I honestly doubt you can fix things with her.</p>

3

<p>My best advice would be to be more assertive. When she tells you to do something, like move something silly or whatever, tell her you’re not going to. Move her clothes out of the closet. Tell her you get half. Don’t budge. </p>

<p>My more long-term advice would be to move out at the semester. I go to UW-Madison too, and I moved out at semester because I disliked my roommate (though she was much much better than yours sounds) and my friends lived in a different dorm. Go to the housing office soon and fill out a room change form, lots of people move at semester so your should be able to find something else, even in the same dorm if you want, most likely.</p>

4

<p>If you haven’t done so already, then you should talk to your RA. But besides that, be more assertive and stand up for yourself.</p>

5

<p>OMG, your roommate sounds horrible. I’m surprised at how you’ve done nothing at all till now. Why aren’t you more assertive?
I agree, getting a new room is a good idea, but before that i think you should set things right and let her know that you own half of the room too.
First of all-- take half of the closet. (do what she did to your pants-- just take off half of the clothes and put them [albeit nicely] onto her bed and hang up your clothes instead)
Second-- take half of the room. You don’t have to give up your half, especially since she’s not really returning the favor to you in some way or the other. Shift out your cramped space into whatever way you like. Have a talk with her after you’ve done it, telling her the truth-- it’s your room too, and you own half of closet space/room space-- those are the rules.
Third-- You don’t have to clean your side of the room to keep her happy. My roommate and I generally keep our sides pretty clean, but whenever mine gets messy (which it does every time a mid term is coming up and I can’t be bothered to clean up) and there are clothes and books scattered (on my side only tho) , she always tells me not to worry when I apologize, and says that "It’s YOUR room too, you can do whatever you like on your side :slight_smile: "
Fourth-- Why in the world do you have to keep out of the room when her friends/whoever is over? That doesn’t make sense at all. It’s your room/you’re paying the rent, why do you “have” to stay out of the room (unless she’s making out with her bf…in which case it would just be awk for you to stay…)
Fifth-- You don’t have to bother what she expresses when ur boyfriend is over. Or you could give her the same treatment (I need u to be out of the room from x am to y pm coz my bf is over). I doubt her response would be positive.
Sixth-- It isn’t very considerate of her to play music loudly when you’re studying/sleeping. Maybe ask her to use headphones…or for the studying-- consider a library?
I think these might sound a bit extreme to you, but I also think they would be effective. :slight_smile:
(have you read The Class by Erich Segal? )</p>

<p>Good luck and I wish you good riddance soon. ;)</p>

6

<p>Your roommate sounds awful enough that I wouldn’t bother trying to stay on her good side. Think of it this way—assuming you spend about $900 a month on housing, by giving in to her demands you are effectively handing her $300-$500 a month for being an awful person. </p>

<p>Since you’ve already tried on your own, get your RA to mediate a second confrontation. Ask your RA before hand to make sure everything is divided equally by the end of the conversation. Then take back your half of the room. You aren’t asking for anything more than what you’ve paid for. If necessary, label your shelves in the closet and fridge and divide the hanging space with masking tape.</p>

<p>It does seem like both of you could use better communication, though. Knowing how particular she is about the trash and recycling, you should have sent her a text. That said, what she did was a severe overreaction.</p>

7

<p>Like others have said, definitely get in contact with an RA and have another sit-down / talk with her.</p>

<p>From my viewpoint, there’s two things that led to this:
1.) She has some maturing to do and is not adjusting well to the pressures of college / living with a roommate.
2.) You allowed her to put you in this position.</p>

<p>Part 1 is something you have little control over, but you can definitely start working on part 2 by asserting what’s reasonable and confronting her when she’s not being reasonable. This communication needs to happen; perhaps she doesn’t know that she’s being unreasonable.</p>

<p>Moving out is really the long-term solution because issues like this usually take a while to resolve.</p>

8

<p>Definitely try to put her in her place (I don’t mean act like you’re her mom, but she has her place, and she’s not observing her boundaries) or move out. I just don’t understand how you didn’t give her a verbal tongue-lashing now. Not to say that is a good idea, but I would have cracked under all of that rudeness. Coming from a Freshman with a wonderful roommate, I’m sorry for you. Hope it gets better next term. So start by reclaiming half of your room and explaining very calmly why you’re doing this. If she doesn’t like that, she can suck it up.</p>

9

<p>Update: I have switched rooms! I met with my RA, the housing office, and the residential area coordinator and filled out a room change request form. I heard back in one day!! It was parents’ weekend and my roommate’s mom had come up to visit, so it was pretty awkward for me to have the “I’m moving out” conversation with her but I just waited for a moment when her mom wasn’t in the room because there was no other opportunity for me to explain what was going on before I needed to move. I basically just told her the truth, how I had felt extremely uncomfortable and felt like I was putting in my end of respect but was getting nothing back in return, even after talking to her about it multiple times, so I was moving to another dorm and she would receive an email detailing who her new roommate would be pretty quickly. She stormed out of the room to find her mom and tell her about this…and then when MY mother came up the next day and when we came back to my dorm, we found all of my clothes, books, food, sheets, etc in a pile on the floor. I know the girl did it to show how mad she was, but hey, it was less for me to gather before packing since it was all together already! :stuck_out_tongue:
The only room they were able to set me up with is a single room but I LOVE IT! It’s right by the lake with a beautiful view. I get awful glares every time I see my old roommate or her friends but I couldn’t care less. I’m very happy and feel much more comfortable now.</p>

10

<p>Good for you. Life is way too short to have to deal with petty people. Good luck moving on!</p>

11

<p>You appear to be a very nice young woman. I would have told her in front of her enabling mother although I would have waited till my own mom was there. Also, I would have taken photos of all of my stuff on the floor and filed a complaint against her.</p>

<p>My D has a single due to being an RA and she loves it. She got along fine with her first year roomie, but much prefers her own space.</p>

12

<p>I’m so sorry, that really sucks. It sounds similar to something I went through (but a LOT more extreme!). Last year I practically lived in my friend’s room, which probably saved me a lot of grief with the roommates I did not get along with. Seriously, though, is she incapable of taking out the recycling herself? What is she, five?
I’m so glad to hear you’ve moved out and I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with living in a single. Just ignore her - eventually it’ll all blow over. Besides, I’m sure your friends and boyfriend will be happier with your new living situation as well.</p>

13

<p>knock her ***** ass out</p>