<p>zooper - keep us updated, OK?</p>
<p>No advice, just empathy. Well...wait. This reminds me of the tube-based TV's and radios from a few decades back...sometimes they would start going on the fritz and if you gave them a thwack on the side they'd go back to working fine. So try thwacking your son on the side of the head. Report back if this helps.</p>
<p>Zooper- I have not read the thread, but one note to consider in your conversations: Just because they may choose different schools does ot mean they have to break-up. Seperate those two items so that it does not feel like all or nothing.</p>
<p>My D was accepted to BFs school, but for a a variety of reasons it would have been much more expensive for her than most of her other options. She chose the school which worked the best for her long term, they are now near the end of her 2nd year of school and are stil a couple and were all through her grade 12 year (when he was already at college)</p>
<p>So, choosing different schools because life is taking them down different paths, does not mean they cannot stay a couple and reconnect later as bigger better people who have followed the road needed.</p>
<p>Of course, the chances of breaking up are high, but another advantage to different schools is that neither kid spends 24/7 with the BF/GF, instead they can do sports, go Greek, join clubs, etc and they still retain that powerful support person who can remind them who they are and what is important when life gets to low points!</p>
<p>TheDad- love your idea!</p>
<p>BTW, zooper, I too, was one of those who did not go away to school because in a large part of my BF (also, parents who knew nothing about it all and did not know how to encourage and counselors who said nothing, so I had no idea of the realm of possibilities) and we are married 25 years, but I made sure my girls know that if it were meant to be, we would have gotten back together and that I expected them to make the right long term choice for themselves not the short-term confortable choice.</p>
<p>Its tough to go away to school, there are moments of angst and growing up for all our kids, it would be nice to have a support person, but only if you are choosing the right place for you to grow as a person.</p>
<p>Heck, if they are going to make it long term, they need to each aim to maximize their potential!!</p>
<p>TheDad - -you are truly something else!!</p>
<p>Zooper,</p>
<p>I'm there w/ you. D's bf (2 yrs ahead of her) is currently finishing his soph year at flagship U. D, senior at boarding sch, applied ED, and was accepted at one of only 3 LACs that puts her even closer to bf. LAC is a good choice for D, but D would not have chosen it (women's college) but for proximity to bf, so I worry that she will regret her decision if they break up. On the other hand, she's at the sch I would have chosen for her - - even if she's not there for what I consider to be the "right" reasons.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I feel like your son and his girlfriend sound like smart kids and you're being a bit hard on both of them. If that's the choice they want to make it's their lives. I can relate to the whole not wanting to leave someone you love thing. Just because they're young doesn't make it easy.</p>
<p>I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and we plan to go to college together next year.</p>
<p>Having one girlfriend throughout college is usually a huge disadvantage during and after one's studies. For one thing it reduces the time available for forming and investing in friendships with people of both sexes, and the time for studying. Many of those non-romantic relationships will probably last longer than the continued high school relationships, even if the latter survive 4 years of college.</p>
<p>The math also works out against it. At the same college, chances are low for the relationship to survive four or seven or ten years, for all sorts of reasons (people change, better pool than HS, etc). At different colleges, chances are half of "low". Either way, the kid wants to stake a big chunk of his life and other people's money on a low-probability hope, and might as well buy lottery tickets instead.</p>
<p>
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Having one girlfriend throughout college is usually a huge disadvantage during and after one's studies. For one thing it reduces the time available for forming and investing in friendships with people of both sexes, and the time for studying.
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</p>
<p>I do not see why this would necessarily be the case.</p>
<p>I had one boyfriend throughout college. (We are now married.) We were at different campuses the first two years and at the same campus the last two. We both made friends, separately and as a couple. My friends and his friends often got to know one another through us. (In fact, one of his friends from his academic department ended up marrying one of my ex-roommates.) We were both serious students, and therefore we worked hard -- both when we were on different campuses and when we were on the same campus. Why wouldn't we?</p>
<p>Nothing is necessarily the case, but it is the case much more often than not. Spending the first two years apart would mitigate some of the disadvantages; it is similar to finding a new mate at the institution one attends, during the third of four years. So your story is not necessarily an example against the point.</p>
<p>zooper: </p>
<p>don't know if you guys have already figured this out, but here's how it worked out for me (similar situation, might i add!)</p>
<p>my parents tried to talk me out of going to school with him. his parents didn't really care either way. i guess i really needed to figure out where he and i were with this whole situation but didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that my high school sweet heart and i might not always be together.</p>
<p>one of our fav things to do is go out to dinner, so my mom made reservations for he and i to go to our favorite place (she picked up the tab too...and let me tell you, that food was AMAZING) to talk it out. we decided to just be blunt and honest and figure everything out before we left.</p>
<p>worked out great. we both figured out that even though we were together for a long time (3+ years), we still had tons of growing up and maturing to do. if we were serious about spending the rest of our lives together (we were at one point!) then 4 years won't change that. besides, being able to "play the field" so to speak during college will give both of us the opportunity to make sure we really want to be together.</p>
<p>we applied to schools that were both in NC but neither of us are going to attend them. we will go to different schools...he's going to u denver and i'm going to u missouri or u virginia, depending on finances (sore subject).</p>
<p>if their relationship is solid enough for them to make such a huge decision together, then it's definitely strong enough for them to withstand the change. i'm glad i was encouraged to talk it out with the boyfriend and am confident in the decision that we made.</p>
<p>Spending every year of college with an on-campus mate, and continuing the relationship after college, means never having a period of living alone, even in the college sense. This can cause major issues down the road.</p>
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We both made friends, separately and as a couple. My friends and his friends often got to know one another through us.
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</p>
<p>I think it is crazy to consider it anything but a social disadvantage (beyond the boundaries of the relationship itself) to have a romance in college from day one. It is very different when people tend to socialize as a unit and be seen as one. Also, on a college campus things are happening at all hours, and coordinating with a partner limits that, both during the day and at night when it can become a de facto curfew.</p>
<p>For the OP's son, imagine if instead of a woman he were in love with chemistry, and in high school and college took only chemistry courses. If it turns out that chemistry is the eventual career for him, then that might be a reasonable slate of courses. But if not, he will have narrowed his options and his life considerably. Even for becoming a chemist, it would be better to learn some other things beyond the ones he thinks are "it" at the end of high school.</p>
<p>I hope your son isn't expecting you to financially subsidize his relationship by foregoing scholarships to be with her at an additional cost to you. If it were me, I'd certainly have something to say about that.</p>
<p>S's HS GF was history by the end of first quarter of college. On the other hand, friend's D went to same college as BF, 2nd year and still together. Plenty of new friends, very happy and doing well. They plan to move off campus next year, will have to see how that turns out. But as said earlier, little way to predict these things. One point, however, the school both went to was each person's dream school before they met. No one "sacrificed" for the other, which may be the relevant point.</p>
<p>The key here is that it is your son's first relationship and it is still relatively new. He may be a senior in high school but he is very immature in the relationship game. Because of that, he is showing his insecurity by insisting that she be with him. Right now, he can't think about being without her and he is afraid to risk the relationship not surviving distance. His motivation right now is fear and that is a strong motivator. He has not experienced the stages of a relationship, including when the excitement wears off. I'm not sure there is much you can do to convince him of these things. Hopefully the girlfriend will step up and not take on the baggage of letting him make decisions based on her. I can't imagine her parents want her to take on this burden either.</p>
<p>I am very surprised at the posts! I will sit down and read them asap. We were unable to have a discussion last night due to a school project that had to be turned in today so he and GF worked late into the night.</p>
<p>Just wanted to let you know, he really likes the school that they both applied to. Unfortunately, the scholarship package from this school is 1/3 of what he was offered from the other schools. Ouch. I also think that they are afraid of leaving each other because it is the first serious relationship for both of them.</p>
<p>Sounds very much like D and BF: first serious relationship, she was soph and he was senior hoping to study in London. Finances prevented him from studying abroad and he enrolled in college near D's boarding shc. As stated in earlier post, D graduates this year and will enroll in LAC that puts her one town closer to BF. I share many of siserune's concerns and I can't say that I would not have been more resist. if D folowing BF required (1) sacrificing qualint of educat or (2) shelling out a lot more $$. </p>
<p>Also, I can only imagine how pressured D would feel if BF had passed on study abroad just to stay near her.</p>
<p>I agree ucla dad...I would sit dow and talk about $$, if you haven't already</p>
<p>And of course he really likes the school, would he say anything bad about it, not if he wants you to agree with him going there</p>
<p>Play the money card. You're entitled.</p>
<p>You are absolutely entitled to play the money card - - but I can't imagine that you (or any parent) would want to go that route, except as a last resort.</p>