What to do about the girlfriend?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>A candid discussion about $$ is not playing the money card, its a reality check</p>

<p>And as a parent, I am not saying threaten to withhold college $$ if the boy decides to follow his GF, but he should be made VERY aware of how much the parents are spending and what he is giving up for this girl.</p>

<p>What, is the parent supposed to totally bite their tongue when they will be paying for something that is, in this case, done out of feelings and not rational thought, to a degree</p>

<p>Okay, go follow your love and we will pay whatever it takes, but we won't even mention what you are giving up, that would just be rude of us, but the son can do and say whatever he wants? if he is grown up enough to make this decisiion he is darn well grown up enough to see the consequences, and mom and dad can be very tight with the pursestrings - they don't have to give anything extra- enough for food, shelter and school- if this kid thinks he is mature enough to make this big of a financial decision , which is really base on the GFs decision, he can suck it up if mom and dad aren't as generous as he would like</p>

42

<p>Actually, I played the money card with my husband and he would rather work until he drops than deny my son his "allegedly" first choice school. Ugh! We both had to pay our own way through school. I dropped out to earn money and then went back. It took both of us until we were 34 to pay back our student loans. But then again, college was not 200K. How do they expect any kid to pay that back?</p>

43

<p>zooper1, your son is making a decision based on where his girlfriend is going. It would not be his "first choice" school if his girlfriend were going elsewhere. I think your husband needs to understand that your son's "first choice" would not be his "first choice" without his girlfriend.</p>

<p>And yes, your son would have a hard time paying for it on his own. But why is he making a college decision based on his relationship? Seems very immature to me. You shouldn't have to pay for a college that your son probably wouldn't like if his girlfriend was not attending. Your son needs to face the facts -- I'm a teenager myself, have been in a relationship before, and have never had thoughts about going to the same college as my significant other. </p>

<p>The decision of where to go to college is too important to base it on where a significant other is going. There is too much at stake. Your son will be the first one to complain if his relationship ends and suddenly his "first choice" is his "first choice" no longer. He is not entitled to anything -- really. Playing the money card shouldn't be the last resort. It seems like a pragmatic approach to your son's very 'emotional criteria' in choosing his college.</p>

<p>And my question to you:</p>

<p>How can anyone make a college decision based on where their girlfriend or boyfriend is going? When my friends talk about going to the same college as their boyfriends, I tell them flat-out that they are making a dumb decision (sorry, I am rather tactless). I care about my friends' happiness .. so much so that I'd rather have them go to a college where they would truly be happy, relationship or no relationship.</p>

<p>I wrote everything above without reading this:
"Just wanted to let you know, he really likes the school that they both applied to."</p>

<p>I think your son may just be consoling you in order to get you to understand that he would like the school even if his girlfriend was not going. I really doubt this -- many teenagers (including myself) are willing to do things like this to get what they want. </p>

<p>In any case, if he is telling the truth.. you hold the money. He doesn't need any extras, just like other people said. You shouldn't have to pay 2/3 more just because his girlfriend is holding some sort of spell over him. </p>

<p>You said it was his first serious relationship. Most first relationships don't last! Please tell your son this, if he is in some dreamland, thinking that he and his girlfriend will live happily ever after. For some reason, I felt very passionate about this thread and your predicament..</p>

44

<p>Zooper-</p>

<p>As you can tell by now, many of us have been in your shoes, wish we could help, and want the best for your S (and sanity for you).</p>

<p>How's it going?</p>

<p>~mafool</p>

45

<p>I guess I better re-iterate this situation with the recent developments. He likes this school. He liked this school before he met her. GF was thinking local uni because she is afraid to go away, and parents were encouraging her to stay home. He encouraged her to apply to this school. She said if she "had someone to go with to this school, she would go". I have asked him how he would feel if she had a bad experience at this school and he had talked her into it. He was angry with this question and he says that she now wants to go. I think that the two feel that they can't be separated. She is going on spring break for 6 days. He refused to go to 2 student admit trips because she will be coming home on the student admit weekend and wants to spend time with her. He has one full ride and one full tuition school which are much better choices for him. (We feel but what do we know?) We feel that if she was not in the picture, he probably would have thought more about his choices. The school he likes offered 1/3 the amount of scholarship money of the full tuition money school. Husband would rather pay 100K than to ask him to reconsider his choices. He is afraid that between the issue of the GF and son's feeling of "this is a good fit for me" school, S won't do well if we push him to leave GF behind and go to the full ride or full tuition school which are not as comfortable to him. I say he will adjust to wherever he goes but that sounds harsh. I appreciate your responses and can completely understand everyone's position. When GF leaves tomorrow, we will do some serious talking with him. Right now I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he could go for free for 4 years vs us paying 100K for the 4 years. Husband says son will pay for grad school. That's where we are. Thanks again.</p>

46

<p>Wishing wisdom and discernment for the 3 of you!</p>

<p>~mafool</p>

47

<p>Dad is afraid of his son? and his moods or whatever</p>

<p>when they breakup, which statistically is the most likely scenario, I would say I told you so, no matter how obnoxious</p>

<p>there two could break up over the summer, or they could stay together to prove a point, though it may be unhealthy</p>

<p>this is gonna be fun to watch</p>

<p>if he isn't even willing to see the schools because of her, well, mom and dad, step uo and be parents....and my purse strings would be so tight they would snap</p>

<p>this girl, she is bad news, he will find, and I can almost guarantee she will smother him there and the novelty of this new love will wear off, if she is too immature to go away to school without him, she will be clingy, but yet she goes away for spring break and he sits pining...egad</p>

<p>and i really hope they are using protection- th
good luck</p>

48

<p>"We feel that if she was not in the picture, he probably would have thought more about his choices. The school he likes offered 1/3 the amount of scholarship money of the full tuition money school. Husband would rather pay 100K than to ask him to reconsider his choices. He is afraid that between the issue of the GF and son's feeling of "this is a good fit for me" school, S won't do well if we push him to leave GF behind and go to the full ride or full tuition school which are not as comfortable to him. I say he will adjust to wherever he goes but that sounds harsh. I appreciate your responses and can completely understand everyone's position. When GF leaves tomorrow, we will do some serious talking with him. Right now I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he could go for free for 4 years vs us paying 100K for the 4 years. Husband says son will pay for grad school. That's where we are. Thanks again."</p>

<p>You said yourself that if she was not in the picture, he would look at the other schools. If your son is making a big deal about this, you need to assert your authority as parents. Teenagers will feel that they are entitled to a 100k college education.</p>

<p>They are not.</p>

<p>I just hope you understand what message you are sending to your son by allowing him to choose a school at least partially based on where his girlfriend is going. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

49

<p>Art Vandelay LOL, </p>

<p>...the famous Art Vandelay of Vandelay Industries...is that the import export business or just import?</p>

50

<p>cgm, HE seems to be the clingy one. She's encouraging him to look around. NOWHERE in ANY of her posts does it suggest that she is the least bit clingy.</p>

51

<p>A friend's S and his high sch GF attended diff colleges as freshmen. They have visited each other every weekend (even started cutting Fri/Mon classes to spend more time together) and, as a result, neither really made friends or settled into his/her respective campus. </p>

<p>Tired of being apart, the two are now proposing to take off a year and live together (she is not a strong enough student to transfer to his LAC), using $ from her trust fund. Friend is now considering whether to permit S to transfer to State U to be w/ GF (S may have to do full 4 yrs at state U b/c of major req, distirb req, etc.).</p>

<p>In hindsight, letting the two of them attend an appropriate sch together might have been a better choice.</p>

52

<p>nyc, or maybe it would've been a more appropriate choice to take a definitive stand and tell the S that his girlfriend should not be more important than his studies.</p>

<p>I thought that was the more obvious answer.</p>

53

<p>cgm, I don't quite understand the reason for all the venom in your post #47...</p>

<p>" there two could break up over the summer, or they could stay together to prove a point, though it may be unhealthy</p>

<p>this is gonna be fun to watch" - come on!!!!!</p>

<p>I can't comment on the money issue - it is something that only the family can decide. It is my feeling, that this "first choice" school is a better fit - regardless of GF - but the difference may not be worth the money. </p>

<p>But aside from the money issue, it is repeatedly surprising for me that many, many parents see some fairly marginal factors like weather, or quality of food in the student cafeteria (not to mention "campus feel") as reasonable factors in choosing the school. When a child who's been driven for hours to visit a campus refuses to get out of the car because he does not like the look of it, that is considered somehow totally fine. But when a pair of17-year-olds wants to make a decision based on their relationship, which - let's face it - seems to them like the most important factor in their life, we tend to simply disregard it...</p>

54

<p>murky - </p>

<p>Yes, one can certainly tell S that studies should be more important than GF, and I know my friend has made that point - - repeatedly. But I'm not sure precisely what form the "definitive stand" takes if S and GF w/d from sch for a year. Money is not an issue (GF is wealthy and is happy to foot the bill for the two of them), so if the two of them w/d from shc, what does friend do? Not speak to him? No pay tuition if S desicied to return to State U w/ GF? </p>

<p>Also, as nngmm states above, parents permit kids to select/dismiss perfectly legit colleges for a variety of non-academic factors - - cafeteria serves sushi, proximity to beach/mountains, hot girls/boys - - far less important than wanting to be w/ GF. </p>

<p>I don't see the easy answer that you suggest.</p>

55

<p>Your son does realise that going to university with his girlfriend could be a dreadful experience... Seriously, everyone else will be be fresh and new and out to meet people, whereas your son and his girlfriend will be holed up in one or the other's room.</p>

<p>This is from a (n older) student not a parent.</p>

56

<p>Thanks so much for your posts. We have convinced S to keep looking at other schools and he will be going to sit in on classes and talk with profs. His GF is on her own. If her parents want to take her to look at colleges to make a final decision, at least she won't be with him to look at them. He does understand if she decides to attend the same school, that there are some big drawbacks.</p>

57

<p>"GF was thinking local uni because she is afraid to go away, and parents were encouraging her to stay home. He encouraged her to apply to this school. She said if she "had someone to go with to this school, she would go"."</p>

<p>if that doesn't look like it will be a clingy situation, you aren't reading what I am reading</p>

<p>she will go if he goes, she is afraid...gosh, who do you think will have to deal with that? she would be going to be with him, or only going if he was, does that not sound like a bad plan....that is why I posted what I did....</p>