<p>Also: if you mislead your friend, you can look forward to spending your senior year being very careful of what you say, to everyone, lest your secrets about where you are applying be discovered.</p>
<p>I agree with ADad. Either you never talk about colleges, or if you do the best thing is to be honest about it. By being dishonest, it could lead to a lot of hurtful feelings and you could potentially lose a best friend for life. College is such a big decision, no one would belief you added a few schools last minute and all of sudden they became your top choices.</p>
<p>I still say being honest will hurt this girl's feelings and evidently the OP feels this way, too. That's why she posed the question in the first place. </p>
<p>As long as you're withholding the other school names from everyone else, where's the problem? I think the chances of having a very lonely senior year is much greater with honesty (girlfriend will be very hurt and may tell other friends that OP's friendship is a lie because she doesn't want to go to college with her, possibly turning group of friends against her -- I've seen things like this happen with my own daughter way back when). I still stand behind a little white lie. If the friend finds out the truth at the end of senior year and is devastated, so be it. I'd rather her be devastated at the end of the year than at the beginning.</p>
<p>If you are honest up front, she may be hurt. But you are within your rights to go to school wherever you wish. She will have an entire year to get over it, and you can continue to befriend her. Why assume that your friend will stab you in the back?</p>
<p>If you lie for an entire year, and then drop the bombshell that you "forgot" to tell her about Elite U, where you applied "at the last minute"--the lie that reveals that you never had any intention of going to school with her, and that reveals that you never respected her enough to be honest with her--she will be devastated. And, you are not within your rights to tell an ongoing, significant lie to your good friend.</p>
<p>Imo, a true friend is honest, in a kind but firm way, up front.</p>
<p>No matter if you go to the same college or a different one, if you are best friends, your relationship will change, but hopefully your freindship will morph into something mature and life long. My D went off to the east coast from So Cal and left all of her many, many friends behind. Thanks to Facebook, she has kept in touch with those that were important to her. What she found, after her freshman year, is that the number of "best friends" from high school is now just a few and they went off to the far reaches of the US. They are home for summer and have re-connected. </p>
<p>You will grow and change in college and what you seek from friendships will also grow and change. Tell your friend that you love her and hope that your friendship will survive no matter where you each go to college. Tell her that you want to try new things and move on.....but that doesn't mean that you wont value your friendship with her. Help her to think thru what she really wants in a college. Maybe she needs to be close to home and with familiar people. The reality is............your friendship may or may not survive, but choosing a college can't be about where your best friend goes.</p>
<p>If you use the "white lie/don't tell" approach, are you doing it to save her feelings, or to ease your senior year? Just wondering.</p>
<p>And it's still my point that if you can't sit down and talk about something like this you ain't best friends. At least not as I have defined that relatioship.</p>
<p>Breaking the new kindly and gently won't change the outcome -- a very hurt friend. I guess you have to be a mom with a daughter to fully appreciate that being honest in this case (no matter how you try to make it seem like it's a good thing for both of you) is going to end up in a very ugly, unpleasant psychodrama.</p>
<p>The thing is, we CAN talk about anything. She'd understand completely if I told her and she would accept it...but at the same time, she'd also feel hurt and put-out by it. Which I want to avoid if I can. </p>
<p>On the otherhand, if I were to be really vague with her, and say something along the lines of, "I plan on visiting X college, Y university, and Z tech. I'll probably apply to them, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I may add more at a later date." She'd accept that answer, and it wouldn't be a big deal.</p>
<p>I don't want to deceive or hide things from her, but for some reason it just seems like the better option. </p>
<p>Or...there's another route I'm sort of considering. When I tell her about my list, if at any point she says something along the lines of, "Oh, cool, I'll apply there too," I'll counter it with concern. "I don't know...I'm kind of nervous about that idea. All the college guides emphasize that going to the same school as your best friends is a really bad idea, because it hinders growth and pushes you into a rut. Do you think that's true?"</p>
<p>
[quote]
I guess you have to be a mom with a daughter to fully appreciate that being honest in this case (no matter how you try to make it seem like it's a good thing for both of you) is going to end up in a very ugly, unpleasant psychodrama.
[/quote]
I am a mom with two teenage daughters, and our "honor code when dealing with friends" is to take the high road and not tell friends lies. There have been many kind suggestions on ways to talk about the predicament without coming out and saying "I don't want to go to the dame college as you do." I think that lying to keep the peace will come back and hurt someone more than the truth will hurt. Even not talking about where one is going to apply is better than providing a list and leaving the top 2-3 schools off of it.</p>
<p>"I think that lying to keep the peace will come back and hurt someone more than the truth will hurt". </p>
<p>I'm not quite sure how you arrived at this conclusion, but it seems to me that you would be making a lot of assumptions for this to be a true statement.</p>
<p>I think people value the truth in theory but when actually faced with it a white lie can be the best choice. Imagine your friend wanted to go on vacation with you and you really did like your friend but knew she didn't travel well or something (I have a friend like that, she's really lazy and just sits in the hotel all day, it's a drag). I could tell her I really wanted her along but my mom wouldn't let me bring anyone. No hurt feelings.</p>
<p>I think that telling a friend you don't want to go to college with them could definitely hurt their feelings. More importantly though your friend should try and figure out what she wants and not just copy you. Maybe help her friend somewhere that suits her interests. Or look in similar locations. My best friend and I are both in love with schools in Boston and we'd still see each other a lot even if we're not at the same school (though we're both also in love with some of the same schools)</p>
<p>When you reveal your lie and announce that you will be going to Elite U, what will you say when your friend says "I really wanted to apply there and I would have gotten in but I didn't apply because I trusted you and I didn't want to hurt your feelings by applying to Elite U". You do realize that she could take you at your word and design her entire college plan around your lies. Then where will she be when you reveal the truth?</p>
<p>To rely on what "college guides say" is to invite counterarguments. She might say "No, I don't think that's true. I think high school friends can be fine in college." To state your feelings honestly cannot be argued with. Your feelings are yours alone and are what they are.</p>
<p>Have the courage and the kindness to tell the truth. The truth to share is not "I don't like you and I would die rather than go to college with you". The truth to share is, apparently: "I like you very much and we will always be friends. For college, though, I am going to be on my own. I know you will understand. We will stay in touch."</p>
<p>I have a similar dilemma and am interested in any advice you might have. My twin sister and I are currently juniors and next year we'll both be applying to colleges. I'm REALLY starting to worry that going to college with her isn't the best idea, but she's very enthuastic about going together and seems to have taken it as a given that we'll be attending the same college... We have very similar stats, so applying to colleges out of her reach isn't an option, and I really don't want to sacrifice going to a worse college... Anyone have any experience with twins or siblings going to the same college? Were their experiences positive?</p>
<p>I went to the same college as both my brothers. I hardly ever saw them though one did end up marrying someone who was a very good friend of mine freshman year. (She dropped out for a couple of years and ended up in his class!) </p>
<p>I knew another set of fraternal twins while I was there, boy and girl. They didn't live in the same dorm and again seemed to spend quite a bit of time apart. But I did get to know the one who didn't live in our dorm.</p>
<p>I also knew one girl slightly I had no idea she had a twin. I was visiting a friend at Yale and saw her there and said "Hi E___!" She laughed and said that I must go to that other school as that was her twin's name.</p>
<p>kap94m, my D goes to school with two sets of female twins and another set of sisters (soph and senior). For some reason none of them seem to have any issues with it. One set plays with my D on an intramural team, one set are both chem majors (at least both do chem research), and another is in the same sorority. And this is at a 1700 kid school.</p>
<p>I can definitely understand wanting to "start over". It feels awesome, totally freeing to throw off all of the old baggage. Without all the weights, it seems easier to change and grow. But the truth is, if you really, truly love this girl as a friend, you won't chuck her off for convenience. Feeling like you need to separate yourself COMPLETELY from everything you know and care about most is overkill. A lot of graduating seniors fall prey to it - I did. You need to realize that your limitations to change and growth aren't your friend. It's you. Whether your friend goes to college with you or not, the people you meet, the way you act, the experience you have; it's completely dependent on your choices.</p>
<p>acinva: "I guess you have to be a mom with a daughter to fully appreciate that being honest in this case (no matter how you try to make it seem like it's a good thing for both of you) is going to end up in a very ugly, unpleasant psychodrama."</p>
<p>I AM a mother of a D and the only time there is "unpleasant psychodrama" is when there is game-playing and deceit in teen relationships. Furthermore, I had a similar experience with my best friend, only I was the one she didn't want to go to the same school with AND she played a lot of games with me instead of just telling me. To this day, we are friends(not best), however, I still am bothered that she didn't respect me enough to just be upfront. I also know that this is the way she deals with many things and have lost a lot of respect for her in the process.</p>
<p>Originally I thought the OP was looking for the best way to deal with this, now I think she is looking for the way to avoid being uncomfortable. The majority of responses here say be kind but honest and yet she persists in wanting to be dishonest (yes even white lies are still lies).</p>
<p>Bottomline: Either way you will not avoid all unpleasantness but which could have the worst LASTING outcome/damage to the friendship?
A: You tell the truth and she is hurt maybe even angry but you can ask her point blank "would you rather I lie and hide my feelings?"
B: You tell any form of a lie and she finds out (odds of this are EXTREMELY high)-how do you plan to defend that? And what about the loss of trust?</p>
<p>One more thought - Ask her if she would like her mom to go back to school and choose the same college? A hs best friend is not all that different from a family member (especially if you have known each other from childhood), explain that you NEED to see how you are as your own person without the close support and "crutch" of close friends and family. You can also say, "Hey, let's not even show each other our lists, just apply and see what happens, okay?"</p>
<p>
[quote]
Originally I thought the OP was looking for the best way to deal with this, now I think she is looking for the way to avoid being uncomfortable. The majority of responses here say be kind but honest and yet she persists in wanting to be dishonest (yes even white lies are still lies).
[/quote]
Agreed.</p>
<p>Re: twins issue--best to start a new thread!</p>
<p>Don't worry too much about her going to the same school, just don't room with her. Unless it is a very small school, you will end up with different friends and probably end up not seeing each other as much as you might think. Also, having a couple long time friends at college is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be helpful to have someone to occasionally hang out with at the beginning of the school year before you are up and running with new friends. It can also give you someone to travel with when you go home for breaks.</p>