<p>World changer, I do NOT think your friendship is unhealthy, too needy or any of those things. To be fair, if you don't want to go to the same college as your friend, ask her for her list, then YOU apply to different colleges. That is what seems to make sense to me.</p>
<p>This is a hard spot for me to be in - no one wants to hurt their best friend. I don't want to be dishonest with her. I really don't. And I'm trying come up with a good way to work this out. But because of some of the specifics of the situation, I don't know how to go about being honest with her. </p>
<p>In addition to her feeling hurt, I have a feeling it would lead to...problems. We're very similar people, in many ways. She hasn't researched many colleges yet, so she doesn't really know about all the options that are out there. If I'm upfront right now, I don't want her to feel like I'm limiting her from schools that she might potentially love. My list is a relatively small one, so I don't think it would limit her at all, but..I don't know if she'd see it that way. </p>
<p>I don't know how to deal with THAT aspect of it.</p>
<p>If I can't come up with a better idea, I'll probably try the "not sharing lists at all" method. If the topic comes up, we can talk about it vaguely, but avoid sharing our entire lists.</p>
<p>Suppose she really doesn't like the school you choose? Do you think she would choose it solely because you are going there? </p>
<p>And if not, if she really likes the school, then what would give you more right to attend that school then her? In other words, why should she not go to a school just because you don't want her to? If she chose to go to your school would you break off the friendship? </p>
<p>If she has already said that she thinks it would be great to attend college together, don't you think your "not sharing lists" idea may be an obvious evasion tactic? </p>
<p>I went to college with my best friend (at a large state school). We even had the same major so shared some classes but we did not live together and outside of a few classes rarely saw each other unless we made special plans to get together which was rare as we both made new friends in our respective living situations. </p>
<p>I would make it clear from the start that no matter where you end up you don't want to room with a friend as it often ruins friendships and you would not want that to happen to you and her. Then let the chips fall where they may.</p>
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<li> I went to college with my best friend. We decided to do it. It was both of our first choice anyway, and the only school that both of us had applied to, but we both thought it was cool that we would be together. And, believe it or not, it was cool that we were together. The fact that we were comfortable with each other and had each other's back was very attractive to other people at the outset of freshman year, since most other people felt a little lonely and didn't know whom to trust, and lots of people were being very fakey trying to change who they were. So it wasn't hard at all for us to meet and to befriend new people (something we both wanted to do). We remained best friends through college. Never roommates, though, except for the summer after we graduated when we finally risked it, but next-door neighbors for 2 out of 4 years, and always living in the same college when we were not on leave.</li>
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<p>The secret was, we really were best friends, and we had a fairly equal relationship. Also, we had never really functioned as a duo -- we were part of a large constellation of friends in high school, and the same thing happened in college. Our academic interests were pretty separate, we only had a few extra-curricular interests in common, and we were attracted to fairly different women, so there was lots of "air" in the relationship.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>My daughter's high school best friend applied to and decided to attend the same college she did, although the friend deferred her start for a gap year. It was not that they decided to go someplace together, more that they shared similar interests and tastes, and so wound up with about a 50% overlap in their applications and acceptances. My daughter felt a little ambivalent about the relationship, and they grew more distant at college. They are still friends, and occasionally do things together, and share some (but not all) friends in common, but they sometimes go weeks without seeing each other.</p></li>
<li><p>You can have the relationship you want with your friend. You don't have to lie to her, you don't have to trick her, and you don't have to bully her into not choosing the same school you do. Things change a lot over a year-plus at 18, so I wouldn't waste a lot of energy worrying about what will happen when college starts right now. Worry about fixing what bothers you in the friendship, or finding more satisfying friendships, and the rest will follow.</p></li>
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<p>You need to tell your friend that you don't want to go to the same college that she does. Be honest about that. You don't need to bring it up out of the blue- that would sound hurtful- but the next time colleges comes up.</p>
<p>I don't know if this is the truth for you, but you should tell her you don't want to go to a college where any of your friends are going because you want to be on your own. Make it clear that it's not her, but your entire HS you are saying good-bye too. And she can write on your facebook wall as much as she wants.
There's no such thing as "your" college, and you shouldn't not go somewhere because a friend might like it too. However, the are so many schools out there that you will find some if you go for some off the wall places; there are even so many elite colleges that there will be ones that no one in your HS applies to. Avoid "half my HS goes there state U". As long as your parents are willing to send you to an out of state state school, somewhere far away, or to a private school, you're scot-free.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Posted by PackMom
I would make it clear from the start that no matter where you end up you don't want to room with a friend as it often ruins friendships and you would not want that to happen to you and her. Then let the chips fall where they may.
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<p>Good advice from PackMom, though I would just say that it is your preference to meet new people. Your decision does not hinge on whether or not rooming with a friend often ruins friendships, your decision hinges on your preference. Period.</p>
<p>She can go to whatever college she wants and is admitted, so can you. If the colleges end up being the same, so be it. You can't control her college selection, but you won't room with her or anyone else you know now. </p>
<p>When the topic comes up, tell her kindly that you won't be rooming with anyone you know. "You are my best friend and I know you will understand."</p>
<p>Don't insult your friend by assuming that you will end up at the same college AND assuming that she will be a problem for you 18 months from now.</p>
<p>kap94m- My boyfriend and his twin brother are currently having the same problem. His brother has worse stats than him so my bf did get into some colleges his brother didn't but they but ended up wanting to go to the same college just by chance. His brother wanted them to go together but my bf didn't really. They are asking to be placed in separate housing and will probably have different majors. If you go to a big enough college you'll not even see your twin too much.</p>
<p>colleges are usually big enough to allow for "space" -- you'll be taking different classes -- hopefully you can avoid rooming with her -- don't schedule your class breaks at the same time and you'll rarely see her.</p>
<p>Yes to packmom's take. I was heading to the end of the posts to say essentially the same thing: make sure your friend understands that you plan to go into the roommate assignment process "blind." That may well change your friend's attitude in and of itself. And, if not, and if it turns out to be an issue (I bet it won't), you two can work out the "space" issue later.</p>
<p>I dont think anyone has the right to tell someone not to apply to any school, that is arrogant</p>
<p>what if the girl has a list and it has schools you like, would you back down?</p>
<p>It is so strange to try and hog schools so someone else can't go there</p>
<p>I think that no matter what there's a risk that your friend is not going to take well to any of the suggestions made above. On the other hand, it's also not fair for you, knowing that she's of the mindset to be influenced by you, to tell her something that's not really true about your intentions. If your stats and interests are similar, there's a good chance that you'd have some overlap on your lists even if you didn't compare notes. </p>
<p>I'm also wondering if you're worrying a lot for nothing. I know with my own D, a bunch of the girls have said, oh wouldn't it be cool if we ended up in the same place? The difference is that nobody is applying anyplace BECAUSE of someone else. That may be the case with your friend also - it's possible that she's not really as intent on being where you are as you think she is and is just mentioning the thought in passing.</p>