<p>abmnj1 - My D had received two acceptances that she was very happy with the week before she was deferred from what she thought was #1. That sure helped! She’s happily telling people who ask that she’s going to one of the those and I’m not sure she’ll change her mind if she is accepted at the deferred school. And I liked EmmyBet’s advice about what to say (or not say) about where you’re going before you know.</p>
<p>I think as a parent you set the tone as to whether this is a “hey, let’s get you an ice cream cone and take a walk” type of disappointment, or a “oh my god the world has come to an end disappointment”. So much of the angst on the part of the kid comes from a feeling that they have let their parents down- read some of the posts from last April by kids who are wracked with pain and and doubt “my parents sacrificed everything for me so I could go to Stanford so what will it do to them now that I’m rejected” sort of things.</p>
<p>I have friends, double legacies and involved alums at a super competitive single digit type college which accepted two of their kids but not the third. The kid could not be happier where he ended up; the parents may never get over it. It is sad on a number of levels, not the least of which is that this kid learned very early on that nothing he could ever do could compete with his siblings accomplishments.</p>
<p>But I digress. Your kids need to see that you are proud of them; that getting a college education is a privilege and not an entitlement and that you will continue to support them in any way you can; that any college that gets them in their Freshman class is lucky. And then offer up that ice cream and take a nice long walk.</p>
<p>any parent who puts additional stress and pressure on their teenage kid is a bad parent. Kids will be happy in any number of schools.</p>
<ol>
<li>Hug</li>
<li>Acknowledge their feelings of loss. </li>
<li>Repeat step 1.</li>
<li>Allow child to express disappointment.</li>
<li>Repeat step 3.</li>
<li>Express positive feelings towards child.</li>
<li>Repeat step 5.</li>
<li>Allow child to lead discussion about other options.</li>
<li>Repeat step 7.</li>
<li>Log onto CC and vent here. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.</li>
</ol>
<p>Maybe I missed why but shouldn’t she be telling YOU? Isn’t it her letter to open or phone call to take?</p>
<p>The OP doesn’t necessarily mean mom will GIVE D the news, but what to say ABOUT the news. A discussion here about how to react to the situation is much more interesting than whether or not parents should be opening letters/e-mails.</p>
<p>Throughout the entire college process, my mantra to D was “There is no one perfect school for anyone. The goal is to find a group of schools to apply to where you can see yourself happy at any of them.” Out of D’s top 3 schools (in terms of selectiveness) she got into one (is attending), WL at the second and rejected from the third. Her position could have been different with any of them - it is so hard to know. She had a few safeties and matches where she got in and I truly think she would have been happy at any of them. It has really worked out that she got WL and rejected from the other two reach schools as I think the one she ended up at is such a great fit for her. Then again, I think she would have been fine at the others. It is so hard to know.</p>
<p>I remember having a reach school that I really, really wanted to attend. I got rejected there and ended up at my second choice. It was the BEST place for me at the time. Now I can’t imagine having gone to the other school. </p>
<p>So, it will all work out. The key is to have numerous schools on the list that your child likes and can see themself attending, even if he/she likes some more then others.</p>
<p>Last year my daughter had her dream school (which she applied EA but was a real stretch for her), the school she expected to get into (and where her brother is attending), a couple of other possibilities and her safety schools. About 8 schools in all. </p>
<p>She was flat out rejected EA from he dream school. Since she realized it was quite a stretch, she was OK with that.</p>
<p>But when she got rejected from the school she expected to get into, and some of her friends had already been admitted (although to different departments than she aplied to)whom she thought weren’t as good a student as her, oh was she (and I) upset. She had better grades and higher SAT scores than her brother, who was admitted a couple of years ago. She spent a lot of time in her room crying. She had heard back from some of her safety schools, so she had something, but . . . She had not heard back from the other possibilities yet, so that didn’t help. </p>
<p>Well, she got admitted to two out of three of her other possibilities. She picked one of those two. Of to school she went and it has been great match for her. Now, I wish my son had applied to the same school as she is attending. I think it would have been a better match for him too.</p>
<p>So it usually all works out in the end. </p>
<p>You just have to put a positive spin on all the choices. Never know which one will come thru. You don’t want your son or daughter attending a school that you have bad mouthed and then they feel really bad about it and themselves no matter what spin you put on it later.</p>
<p>Thank you, HPuck. I’m thinking now if I’ve seemed down on any of D’s schools … actually I have. I’m not actually down on it, but it’s the one that’s the most geographically out of the way, that we haven’t visited, and I’m thinking I’ve probably whined a bit about “how are we ever going to get you there in the spring?” I just took what you wrote and put myself in her position - if it’s a viable choice come April, will she feel bad trying to tell me she really wants to go there, if I’ve said it’s “too much of a pain in the neck to visit”? </p>
<p>I’ve actually asked myself several times if I should have just said No to applying there if I wasn’t completely supportive, but I said Yes, and I am supportive. I guess I need to act that way, huh? This is a mostly-safety school, and it could be a major player if the other ones don’t work out.</p>
<p>Hm. These are pretty grown up kids, but they deserve the respect of being able to make a decision without us breathing down their necks. Frank talks about money - yes. But not about value.</p>
<p>my son was all set to go to an in state public school. he actually had applied to two in state schools and was immediately accepted to both schools in the summer. both had high acceptance rates and we knew he would be accepted. in November, my S contacts a private school with a <25% acceptance rate and we go for a visit. he falls in love with it. having never studied for the ACT, he decides to retake the ACT in December to improve his chances. he studied day and night for a couple of weeks. he bumped his act 3 points and that placed him in the mid to lower required act range. he then bombarded the university with letters of recommendation and even sent the admissions counselors Christmas cards. we (the parents) were caught up in his enthusiasm as well. in early January a letter of deferral arrives in the mail. although not a letter of rejection, it seemed that way. we realized then that we were placing to big of an emotional bet on this school and begin to talk about the other school that he was very excited about only months before. i think that the parents can hedge the bets by talking up the schools that are easy reaches. i believe it starts out as a dream school, but in the end i believe that the child is worried about letting the parents down. I was wrapped up in the whole affair just like being on the losing end of a big football game. I think it is important to keep your emotions in check and look for the silver lining while acknowledging the disappointment. So that’s what we did for several days. however, my son registered to retake the ACT again in February and continued to bombard the admissions office with letters of recommendation. he also made an appointment to visit the school again the following week to discuss what else he might could do to improve his chances. 5 days later, 2 days before his next visit, he was admitted. i do believe this school is a better fit for my S, but the other school may still have been the best choice. it is emotionally dangerous to be hell bent on one school. the parents can create an environment that can soften the bad news.</p>
<p>My son was heartbroken by the outright rejection from his ED school, not even a deferral. It was awful to see him go through it. The good news is that for many of these kids, it’s one of their first huge life disappointments but they are at home experiencing it, so you can help with their emotional growth at this time. Follow stradmom’s advice. It’s really solid. Just be there for them. They need to know the stability of family is there.</p>
<p>then it helps when the school that Smile12157’s son worked so hard for sends your kid an acceptance letter two weeks later…</p>
<p>Have not read the whole thread. So forgive me if someone else has made this point.</p>
<p>Timing is also a critical factor here. The parents should discuss the possibility of not getting in when the applications are sent. Talk about the plan you put together - if this fails, we have that etc. So, when the decision comes, it is very easy to handle the news.</p>
<p>In other words, everyone should have a very good early and rolling plan. The waiting to April 1st is pretty hard to take.</p>
<p>We are incredibly fortunate in that we didn’t have to deal with this as both got in ED (within 10 minutes of one another … I’m surprised none of you heard the screams from the Pizzagirl household last December!) but we did talk with each of them about how they wanted to be handled / treated … Did they want to be alone with their thoughts, did they want to cry in our arms, commiserate, go do something physical, etc.</p>
<p>Both my kids got rejected by a bunch of schools, but I agree it was made much, much easier because they got into at least one school early.</p>
<p>I really like the “bloom where planted” idea … with my second I’ve mentioned many times how much I like all the schools on his application list … and that is a true statement; we visited a ton of schools and if I had made the list for him it pretty much would have been the same list with a couple tweaks (adding a couple schools). While I’m pretty sure he will not get into any of his 3 big reaches … I’m pretty sure he’ll thrive at any of the other schools … so hopefully he will quickly focus on the other great choices he will have.</p>
<p>D just received 2nd deferral from 2nd EA safety (as defined by her GC; they are still great schools, probably more like strong matches though). </p>
<p>She is doing fine, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. Feeling like a bad parent because I did not insist on really, truly safety school(s) (we did strongly encourage, but she is pretty stubborn), and starting to panic that she won’t be admitted anywhere. In both instances, kids from her school who applied ED, with way lower stats/EC’s etc. were admitted. </p>
<p>Really disliking ED (and EA) about now. Frustrated that because she felt very strongly about not applying ED, wanting to explore her options, she may have really hurt her chances. We did encourage her to go this route because we wanted to support her choices. She was recruited for sports and could’ve gone ED at several schools but absolutely was not ready to commit until she knew all her options; now the spots are filled and she is simply in the general pool. </p>
<p>I did borrow some of the thoughts from this thread (so thank you!) when she opened the e-mail yesterday; she was shocked and a little panicked at first, (“what’s the matter with me?”), but settled down pretty quickly (I told her - “it’s not personal, it’s the school’s loss…”), I’m still reeling, though. </p>
<p>Of course now she is sort of peeved at the two schools and is not yet in the “what do I need to do to further impress them” mode. In one instance, she had a bad (her only bad) interview and did not have the chance to visit the college yet; she is trying to decide whether to still go visit as planned for later this month.</p>
<p>Mannix (loved that show!), how we react as parents, internally and out of sight of the kids, is a whole other matter. I knew where ds was WL’d was a reach, but I hated that it wasn’t an option for him. I definitely shed tears when he wasn’t around, more for his disappointment than any really vested feeling I had. I really thought it was a great school for him and had other things going for it that his current school doesn’t (proximity). I love the school he is at, but I knew when he got WL’d at the one that he’d end up where he is, which is 1,000 miles away. That more than anything is what made me sad, though, of course, deliriously happy for his opportunities. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I think broaching the subject AFTER the news is delivered is too late…We discussed all possibilities when submitting applications with our D,which were “reach” schools,which were safeties,etc…Also discussed that sometimes you have the stats but for some reason,you are rejected…It makes the process a bit easier if/when a rejection is received…</p>
<p>It depends on the kid. There are a lot of ways to address this subject, and I agree timing is important. At our house we put the risks on the table before applying - my D knows full well that she WILL get rejections, that they will be based on a dozen factors outside her control. She says she plans not to take them personally and focus on the acceptances she does get.</p>
<p>She has a lot of reaches for various reasons, and I’m proud she’s taking these risks. She’s also a perennial pessimist. I know that if I say much at all about “if you don’t get in,” even in the nice, smart ways suggested here, it will only feed the side of her that is certain she’ll be rejected everywhere. In her case it is best merely to say good things about her in general and tell her I’m proud of all she is doing, “no matter what happens.” That way I feed the risk-taking side instead, so that it can stay strong regardless of college results.</p>
<p>I am ready with the “let’s move on/it’s their loss” discussion when the answers are actually on the table.</p>
<p>She has two safety acceptances already and I couldn’t be more grateful that she got those applications in.</p>
<p>My son is a senior in high school who took the SATs in March of his Junior year and scored CR 660, M 720 and W 580. He also spent his high school years playing video games and not doing his homework no matter how much I told him he was going to regret it and he ended up with a GPA of only 3.0 at the end of his Junior year. He has received no acceptances from colleges and will be going to the local community college in the Fall since they have to take him. When he complains that his friends are going to good colleges and universities in the Fall while he has to go to community college I just tell him you should have thought about that four years ago when you had the chance to do something about it. We live in California where community college transfer applicants are given admission priority to the University of California if they do well in community college so he does have the possibility for a second chance. However, I have a feeling that two years from now he will be rejected by every UC for low grades and when he complains about it, I will only be able to tell him why didn’t you think about studying two years ago when you had yet another chance?</p>