OMG. I was out for coffee w/ some friends today and we were talking about college decisions.
My one friend had been talking to her mechanic that morning. His son is one of my sons best friends. He tells her he was told that my DS doesn’t want to go to UA, we have orientation scheduled for June. @-) :(( @-)
So I don’t know if he’s getting cold feet now that everything is getting “real” or what. He hasn’t said anything to me about it, but I can see him having a melt down the last minute, like “I’m not going to college and you can’t make me.”
Personally I don’t think he’s ready to move 14 hours from home. DH thinks he needs to expand his horizons, so UA is best. BUT, DS won’t be turning 18 until he starts college and is very young for his age; it is something I have been very worried about while stating how exciting UA will be.
I haven’t notified any of the other schools yet, and Temple is also full tuition, and MUCH closer to home. and my BIL lives in Philly during the week and could bring him home on the weekends occasionally.
What to do? Bring it up? Or let it go. We have like a week left!
In a non-distracting moment, certainly ask him how he is feeling about UA and going away to school. As his mother, you’ll be able to read him. You should be able to get him to open up, if there is anything to open up on.
I have to add (sorry):
the way you opened your entry, I thought for sure you were a 17 year old.
I always love the phrase “young for his age” - huh? I guess I know you mean young for his grade.
bring it up with him-
“hi Hon, just checking in to see how you are feeling about UA. Is it still the U you want to go to?
I’m not trying to encourage it but you still have time to change your mind . You can tell me if you’ve changed your mind. We want you to be happy and UA is a long way from home”
^^ this.
Ask him casually when he is relaxed.
You know our kids have similar options, and this morning D was saying she’s not sure about Pitt after all. I think they are really just at the dithering stage of decision making.
I am just gonna let her think it out or a bit.
Good luck!
Yes, ask him in a non-accusing way. I’m turning 18 barely 2 weeks before college begins. But then again, people often say I am mature for my age, so I guess that’s different…
Take a walk around the block with your son and tell him you’re just checking in how he’s feeling about everything- HS ending, him moving away, so many changes in a short period of time.
And let him talk. If he seems ambivalent about college, you let him know that “it ain’t over till it’s over” and it’s fine to change his mind, or to have a different perspective at this point in the process. If he tells you outright “I’m not sure I made the right decision” then you know what to do. And if he tells you “all my friends are second guessing themselves and I’m so lucky that I’m confident in my decision” then you know that you’re hearing third and fourth party teenage chatter and can safely ignore it.
If I had a buck for everything someone told me my kid was thinking or feeling…
If he is having cold feet, and if you are concerned as well and think he might not be mature enough to go off to college yet, consider deferring and having him take a gap year. Our son was/is also young for his age (and yes, I know exactly what that very commonly used phrase means, and it is not the same as being young for your grade) and he actually asked for a gap year because he wasn’t ready. In his case he didn’t apply to colleges until his gap year, but usually it is considered preferable to apply, accept an offer, and then defer to take the gap year knowing where you’ll be going. Gap years don’t have to be adventures abroad. Our son got a job and gained a lot of maturity just going to work every day. In any case, it could be a back up plan if he is really not ready.
Just be honest. Say “I heard that you told so and so that you didn’t want to go to UA” and see what he says. At this point, there is no downside to changing his mind. There is a BIG downside to going to a school that he doesn’t want and is just going to please you. A few hundred dollars lost in any deposits is much better than dropping out or not doing well in a few months because he misses home or hates the school.
Lots of good advice-I agree-just ask, don’t freak out if he says he really DOESN’T want to go, and consider a gap year or alternate school if that’s the case. I don’t think my ex and I took our D seriously enough when she decided within weeks that she HATED her college.If we had the next couple of years at least would have been different, I’m very certain.
My younger D made an off-hand comment the other day that if it was literally true, her entire post-high school plan would be different from what she’s been saying for the last 3 years. In a quiet moment I asked what she’d meant, she explained it, and we moved on. If you don’t say something you’ll always wonder. Good luck!
My daughter actually is young for her age. She was born 16 weeks early, and those 4 months really matter. Her birthday is in Jan., but she never really settles into the next year, the next set of goals and milestones, until well into the summer. When she was with a group of other 7 or 9 year olds, she was just younger. Physically looked younger and acted younger. Other daughter is younger than her peers in school, and boy you can really tell too. She’s just finishing her first year in college, and it has taken a toll on her physically and mentally. She’s young but she has to make adult decisions and live in an adult world. It’s hard.
I went to college when I was 17, and I was in charge of the world.
My S was also 17 when he started college - and not particularly mature. He didn’t get into the groove, so to speak, until the middle of his sophomore year. He struggled with dealing with bureaucracy, time management, self-care (laundry, diet, medications, dr appts), you name it. Luckily, he made it through freshman year. He’s a soph this year and I can really see progress. When he was younger, he always seemed at least a year behind his peers in every way except academically, so I guess it never changes. Btw: he goes to a college very far from home (we live in the UK). In retrospect, I would have preferred if he were closer to home so that he could visit more often. Especially freshman year when he was so stressed.
You have a week left until orientation, not until the semester starts. It happens every year that some kids attend summer orientation and don’t show up in the fall. Do you have to pay for small semester as of the first day of orientation or something? If not, you have time to figure this out. Going to orientation may be very helpful to figuring in out (especially if you step back and expect your child to navigate through orientation, making friends, etc. totally independently).
My D looks and carries herself in a mature manner, but she is quite sheltered and unsure inside.
I had to grow up too fast when I was a teen, and I am ok just letting her mature at her own pace.