What would you do?

Parent Cafe
1

D16 is taking a Food Science class this year because she is considering majoring in food sci. She has taken all Honors/AP throughout her HS career. This is a regular level class and the majority of students in her class have not taken any AP courses. This is one of the first experiences she has had with classmates who have not primarily taken honors courses. There are quite a few athletes in this class because it fulfills a 4th science credit needed to graduate on a distinguished scholar plan and is not an advanced academic class. Not that athletes don’t take honors/AP classes, I point out the athletes because these incidents involve some varsity athletes.

Today the teacher handed back an assignment that according to my D16, the majority of the class failed. D16 has maintained around a 96 in the class and she received a 100 on this particular assignment, which was entirely fill in the blank from the required reading and write out some definitions. It was not a subjectively graded assignment. One of her classmates, an African American young man, sitting next to her noted her grade and called out “Of course she got a 100, she is white”. In the past he has also said “Put me in the lab group with the white girl, that will guarantee me a good grade”.

Earlier in the course D16 turned in her portion of a draft of a group project on time, one of few who turned in on time, (late portions received a 5 point deduction) and another basketball player commented that they all had basketball practice and all the white girl had to do was study and watch netflix The teacher, who happens to be a football defensive line coach, quickly shut him down by saying D16 plays lacrosse and a weekend LAX tournament hadn’t effected her ability to get the draft work done, “Do the work and stop making excuses”.

She was really bothered by the comment today and wanted to say “I get “A(s)” because I am not stupid and I do the work, idiot”. Her question is how many times does she ignore the hostility before she defends herself and why is it ok for him to make what she sees as discriminatory comments? Beyond listening to her I really didn’t have any real advice to give her on how to handle this situation now or in the future. Generally I tell her to ignore it because it is not going to change anyone’s mind to argue.

2

I remember having some high school elective courses with many marginal students who just wanted at least a D grade for credit to graduate. I do not recall the D students complaining about the A students, especially not racist complaints, since most were apparently just slackers who did not care much (the school’s students, including the D students, were then mostly white, though I am not).

This makes it seem like the teacher is trying to control the classroom… although mentioning lacrosse, sometimes viewed as a white high SES sport, probably was not a good idea since it highlights the presumed race and possibly SES differences that help fuel the flames of racism and possibly classism that the other student apparently is motivated by.

But this makes it seem like the teacher is not really succeeding at controlling the classroom.

3

Perhaps a relevant background question is: is the high school internally very segregated by race and/or SES? Including both courses / academic levels and sports?

4

I would advise my D to at least speak up and say “Please don’t call me “white girl”. My name is _____” If the comments continue, then she should speak to the teacher or principal. Most schools don’t tolerate that kind of racist speech. My kids went to a very mixed HS - racially and SES. They were used to speaking up for themselves.

5

This is racism and should be shut down immediately. There should be a no tolerance policy here. The teacher seems to be unable to deal with it.

Does you daughter feel safe speaking up for herself, or should this be brought to an administrator’s attention? How does the school handle race and SES issues.

6

A difficult situation for sure. First, I believe your D could get a feel for Food Science by simply reading the text and not completing the class at this point. Changing classes/subjects is always an option. Second, I suggest asking the teacher, administration, and anyone else the other individual(s) respects to have a discussion with the young man about his comments and how these comments affect your D. Third, I doubt your D lashing out to the individuals will change anything. Might feel good at the time though but isn’t really constructive. Fourth, at a minimum, I would ask the teacher to change the seating arrangements in the class so anybody that cares about your D’s grades on assignments isn’t in a position to see them. And, ask the teacher to arrange partners for group assignments so that your D isn’t partners with the offensive individual(s).

This is a form of bullying. D went through a similar issue this year (not based upon race but other appearances). The teacher tried to control the situation in class by discussing (ineffectively) with the bullying individual. In the end, the solution to the problem was having D change classes.

7

I would say that the school is pretty well racially integrated and as far as I know there is not much/any racial tension. There is probably more socio-economic divide if anything. But, I am sure that is my view through my own rather privileged majority glasses.

The second semester class drop date has passed and I am loathe to suggest she drop. She likes the class most of the time and has learned a lot from the teacher.

D16 says she does not feel threatened. She is just annoyed that the basketball player is complaining about discrimination but is being racist and feels compelled to point out the hypocrisy.

@ucbalumnus good point I hadn’t thought about the LAX white ses sport angle.

@megpmom that is a great deal-escalating response! I will suggest that to her for sure.

I don’t know that the kids are slackers as much as the academic standard that D16 is accustomed to is different than the standard that is expected in this class. One of the reasons that she has taken such an academically rigorous courseload over the years, even though she is definitely not a top performing honors student but a solid B student in her honors/AP classes, is that academic standard. Unfortunately D16 definitely harbours some discriminatory feeling against those she perceives as not challenging themselves academically, I am sure that this “attitude” clouds her interactions with the classmates. And it probably does appear that she receives preferential treatment, heck she probably does receive some preferential treatment simply because she is actively engaged and interested in the subject matter.

I probably need to remind her to check her attitude!

8

The teacher should control his students. She shouldn’t have to sink to the level of the students who are making inappropriate comments. Good luck!

9

I know my daughters would have shot back few zingers themselves - “Don’t bring race into this just because you were too lazy to do the work. Last time I looked, a black guy has the same brain as a white chick.” My girls are bi-racial, so they’ve had to defend themselves growing up. At the same time, I would ask the teacher to address the issue. If your kid is too shy to do it then I would do it myself.

10

Obviously and ironically the other student is making racist remarks. Substitute “black” in these sentences for “white.” She can do that, politely, to show the young man what it sounds like to her. But beneath the racist language is resentment of her ability to do well. It’s tough being trapped in school for those who hate it, don’t do well in it, can’t pay attention, and don’t see it as a route to a future. Perhaps talking with your daughter about what this kid’s experience might be, would help.

I want to congratulate you on thinking about your daughter’s part in this. My oldest was bullied and I resisted thinking of him as part of the problem. Then my second taught me a lesson. She also took honors and AP’s but due to a scheduling conflict, had to take a lower math class. She ended up helping a lot of the other students. Could your daughter offer to help? Maybe the teacher could help create an atmosphere where students help each other.

The other thing this second child did was use humor. She did not respond to any attempts at bullying by being upset, but threw things back at the potential bully with humor. Noone bullied her again. In English class, she was often the only one who did a reading, and was the only one to read 'Walden". Some of the boys called her a “tool.” She said “You can be a tool too.”

She ended up being a go to person for kids who were not doing well in school and life- before court dates, after a failing grade, whatever. Envy can be turned to esteem. And because she was funny, she was seen as a peer and eventual buddy. It also helped that although she did well academically, she was pretty critical of the occasional administrative absurdity, so not a goody two shoes.

My oldest eventually learned one way to end a bully: he pushed back one time, got detention and was never bothered again! I don’t suggest this approach!!

If your daughter is more like my oldest, and not good at humor, then the fact that she is not getting too upset is the best strategy. Bullies continue if they succeed in getting a response. If things escalate, of course an adult should be brought in, but sitting down with your daughter and role-playing, strategizing and coming up with the best answers might help. Empathy is a good strategy along with jokes :slight_smile:

And, yes, a change in seating assignment!

11

I wouldn’t have her change classes because she is annoyed. I see this as an opportunity for her to learn to deal with annoying people. It’s a chance to teach her to maintain focus on HER goals even though someone else looks down on her. As long as she doesn’t feel threatened I wouldn’t have her change classes.

12

I used to get bullied a lot when I first moved to this country. It was only when I learned to “give it back” to the bully that it stopped. After few zingers, they moved on to another target. It was also the case when I first started working on the trading floor. There were always a lot of bantering and making fun of some people, so I learned fast not to be the target. When I gave it back, I always did it with a smile, so most people thought I was just being funny. Yes, humor works, but humor is often a form of aggression.

13

“I’ve seen you play (football/basketball)…you are a smart player. You could get A’s here too if you just studied. Race doesn’t have anything to do with it…reading the book does.”

14

The child need not lash out at these affronts but she does need to stand up for herself. Saying “I’m not White Girl, my name is …” is a good start. It sounds like it’s one specific student who is causing her the most grief, and the other students follow his lead. It’s not a racial thing - it’s an academic standing thing. Those kids know very well, she’s in Honors/AP classes. Race is an easy target and a red herring.

I like oldfort’s suggestions. In many cases, the student has to zing back person-to-person to have the offender back off and gain respect. My daughter met with hostility in the classroom during middle and high school. Depending on the class, she was either too elitist (in regular classes because she was mostly in Honors/AP) or she was too stupid to talk (she didn’t come through the public school system, so she was an unknown in ninth and tenth grades to many kids). Changing classes was not usually an option. She also found she couldn’t necessarily depend on the teacher to make things nice and happy for everyone in the class. In some cases, she totally ignored the person. In other cases, she would banter back.

I agree with checking the attitude your daughter may have towards these kids. I had to lecture my child on that. I told her she couldn’t every mentally sneer at the kids in her regular class. Her contempt would show in her face, actions and tone. If that’s what these kids see, then of course, they aren’t going to be nice. She didn’t react well when the top kids thought she was stupid, why should these “regular” kids react differently? This is why it’s good for schools to mix students of all levels, if at all possible.

15

Meaning that students of all races are found in all levels of courses (from AP to remedial) and all of the sports (including those with racial stereotype associations like lacrosse and basketball), and the social groupings at lunch and recess times are not racially segregated?

No surprise that racism often comes bundled with hypocrisy. Racists are often among the loudest at calling other people racist when their own racism is pointed out.

16

An affronted “Hey! Don’t bring me into this” would work, too.

17

Some great ideas have already been discussed. My mom used to have me practice this phrase, “That is not okay.” said while making eye contact, with no emotion, and with no follow-up explanation just a long pause until they look away. It has been effective in a number of situations.

18

D1 was considered as a “popular girl” in high school, but she was also a top student. She learned very early on not to share her grades or test scores with her friends. Whenever asked how she did on a test, she would just say, “I did fine. Yeah, it was really hard.” In doing so, it also avoided other students from asking her for homework help (or giving out answers).

19

All good suggestions.

Zingers are a good suggestion and she is very good at harnessing her sarcastic tendencies. She has been reluctant to zing back.

@ucbalumnus Yes, I would still say fairly well integrated. The overall the school is approximately 50% Caucasian, 30% Hispanic,10% African American, 10% Asian. I see similar demographics in sports teams and extra curriculars. Although marching band/orchestra is a bit skewed, WAY more Asians in orchestra but a much more even distribution of race in band about 25% per racial group. Admittedly there are -0- African Americans on the girl’s lacrosse team. but there are plenty of African American boys on the boys team. Lots of inter-racial dating. I haven’t been to the school during lunch times so I am not sure about lunch tables but the groups passing between classes seem to be pretty evenly mixed. Demographics in the honors/AP classes are similar to overall demographics but would say they are slightly Asian heavy and Hispanic underrepresented.

Where the school does fall short is minority representation in the teaching staff. so it is certainly possible that there is a racial component at play in the grading system overall. However, in this class specifically there is really very little subjective grading.

It’s not that this boy has been bullying to my D16 in general and she did not say that she feels bullied. Just frustrated with he continually uses race to seemingly instigate conflict. He has casually asked her about her LAX games, she dated a friend of his from another school for a bit (yes it ended on good terms) so he certainly knows her name, although the “put me in the white girl’s lab group” before he probably knew she dated his friend. So maybe he just feels comfortable calling her out as the problem as a dig at the teacher. Yes I think a lot of the contention is academic in nature.

20

Coming from someone who has been in a similar situation. Don’t go to the office or anywhere with this.

My mom did that when there was harrassment and it alienated me. It is one thing to be an excuse for someones bad grade, but its much worse to have them harrass you for getting them get in trouble over it.

Don’t open pandoras box, have your daughter make an effort to talk to them and befriend them. Tell her to make an effort to say hi to them and be nice. That is the best way to end this. Extend the olive branch, because no matter how satisfying itll be to see them get in trouble. They get 1 week of iss, and your daughter faces hell for the remainder of her time at the school. If they are varsity athletes she will be alienating herself from the whole school for hurting the team.

Do not engage, please extend an olive branch here.