When do we just give up?

Parent Cafe
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<p>There are a few possible scenarios here:
school is a good fit for her but she’s having trouble adjusting.
school is a bad fit for her and she should transfer at the first available opportunity.
school could be a good fit but she’s so miserable right now she isn’t seeing it with much objectivity.
school is either a good fit or a bad fit but it doesn’t matter because she’s tired of working so hard to try to make it tolerable.</p>

<p>As a parent from far away you have no idea which of these things it is or could be. I think it’s your job to do the following:</p>

<p>1- suggest a three way meeting with the RA. Purpose is not to tell tales or complain about the roommate; purpose is for your D and the roommate to explain that they are not getting along, the situation is untenable, and they are requesting adult intervention. If the answer is, “you’re past the switch date” then your D needs to have the same three way with the dean of housing or student life or whichever grownup runs housing and sets policy.
2-suggest counseling toute suite. She may be depressed- or not- or may not be eating right, or may not be getting sleep-but you cannot diagnose any of these things from afar. Get a professional involved, and if she isn’t interested the first time you recommend it, keep suggesting it every time you speak to her.
3-figure out a regular but not daily time for the two of you to communicate. Although her misery is hard for you to handle, it becomes a crutch for her, knowing that you are available to listen every day (or more than once a day). You can let her know that you love her, that you want to help support her through this, but part of your support is encouraging her to take the time she spends on the phone with you and channel that into making new friends or acquaintances. I have a neighbor who keeps updating me with her daughters freshman misery. I am flabbergasted that the kid has time to call her mom three times a day… I mean, when does she go to class or do her reading??? The mom flips out at the suggestion that they are over-communicating- but trust me, if I could call my mommy every time something went wrong in my life, I’d never learn to solve problems or deal with upsets on my own.
4-Agree on a “drop dead date” with her, i.e. December 18, or whenever her last exam is over. On that date, you will again entertain a discussion of transferring or coming home or taking a leave of absence, or whatever. Until that date, her job is to try and cope- just cope. Rather than tackling so many issues all at once, you can suggest that every day she changes one behavior. So today her job is to go to lunch a little later than usual, sit down next to someone eating alone, and introduce herself. That’s all- just introduce herself. Tomorrow her job might be to study in the Sciences library instead of the student lounge. The day after her job will be to show up at a poetry reading in the evening, or a chamber music concert, or volunteer to man a voter registration booth on the commons… or whatever. The day after her job is to go to office hours for her favorite professor (or her least favorite professor) and spend 10 minutes interacting- asking a question about something she didn’t understand, asking for help on an upcoming assignment, whatever it is.</p>

<p>This plan keeps her focused on planning and executing one new behavior, instead of dwelling on what hasn’t worked (roommate, debate, overall adjustment).</p>

<p>I feel for you and for her- but there are so many kids who graduate loving their college experience who have a miserable adjustment period, that it’s just too early to draw any conclusions yet.</p>

<p>And make her knock off the Red Bull! If she’s overcaffeinated, even minor upsets become hugely important issues!!!</p>

<p>College is hard. Kids make it harder when they expect doors to fling themselves open.</p>

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<p>Great suggestions from blossom; a wonderful balance of parental support and child empowerment.</p>

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<p>Great ideas Blossom. OP-mom- remember that colleges have resources and the students are expected to use them- they hire RA’s and student counseling/health service people for people in situations like your D’s. The school wants her to succeed, there is no shame, etc in using the resources provided.</p>

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<p>I also give kudos to Blossom’s suggestions … as someone who was horrible shy the “just one thing” approach worked wonders for me … step 1) I’ll go to a party and proactively talk to one guy I do not know … step 2) I’ll go to a party and talk to one girl I don’t know … etc. Setting obtainable goals at which your daughter can suceed. Looking at the whole issue at once is often too danting … taking one step at a time is much more manageable.</p>

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<p>nice one blossom!</p>

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<p>Is this the daughter with disabilities? Did you end up disclosing to the roommate or was it a “surprise” when they arrived on campus and met? If this is the daughter are there disability services at the college that may be able to help her transition to the campus better or a club like a Therapeutic Riding Club or some athletic group that gathers?</p>

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<p>wow blossom – where were you when my daughter was a freshman? Very good, measured advice.</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone for all the good advice, words of wisdom, and and all around support. I’ve also had several good pm’s with with similar stories and even some debate info. The encouragement helps so much. I have already said and done a lot of what has been suggested and I will be using more of the ideas in the days ahead. I’ll keep everyone posted as to where this kid ends up but it will NOT be at home before the semester ends.</p>

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<p>I too received many tearful phone calls during my daughter’s first semester. Part of it was homesickness, bad roommate fit, lonliness. 2 things which helped my daughter were:
community service involvement
studying in the lounge in her dorm (which she did mostly to avoid the roommate)</p>

<p>2 things which helped me were:
being there to listen whenever she wanted
going to parents weekend.</p>

<p>the study lounge especially worked, she met the other roommate refugees, found study partners and got some work done.</p>

<p>when i went for parents weekend i thought i might be bringing her home with me. but she looked fine. good mental health, good physical health. i was just hearing about the hard times.
by the time she came home for semester break she had a couple of really nice friends. i say:

  1. it’s too early to tell
  2. but if you’re worried about her mental health keep talking to her.</p>
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<p>One thing to keep top of mind when kids call, crying or not…IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX IT…it is your job to listen to venting, to be a sounding board, to make sure they are considering all their options, to be a cheerleader, etc. But do relieve yourself of the guilt of not being able to fix this, only she can fix it. You will retain your sanity and give better wisdom if you keep remembering that.</p>

<p>Of course, it if a kid is in a serious issue where their physical or mental safety is at risk, then yes, parents must intervene, but otherwise, just be there</p>

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<p>How are things going, zoeydoggie? </p>

<p>We’re going through a similar thing here, and it’s exhausting.</p>

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<p>Oh Heron, I’m sorry to hear that. Is she having good days and bad days or is she just chronically unhappy?
My D is doing fine in most respects, but is struggling with the whole issue of the long-distance boyfriend – (sigh).</p>

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<p>I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this, if we had to do it over again, i would have advised my daughter to switch rooms right away. My daughter stayed, and by the end of the year, she and her roommate didn’t even speak to eachother. If it’s too late to switch, then work the system, do an RA meeting so she’s made an effort , give it a day or 2, then if things don’t improve ,you get on the phone to an advisor or whoever is in charge of freshmen housing, and use the word bullying. Suggestions to talk it out sound great, but the reality is if you are dealing with a meangirl situation, and your daughter isn’t making friends, it’s her against the group. Once the RA is gone, a typical meangirl wouldn’t try to make it better. And acting out by lowering yourself to the level of the meangirl will make your daughter a subject of ridicule. You want to help your daughter to make things right, not teach some bully a lesson she should have learned a long time ago. So try to move her. All the suggestions about studying someplace else, finding a club, etc. are great. She really needs to make one friend. My daughter asked 1 or 2 girls she liked to get lunch a couple of times (she met them in class) , and that has led her to a much better rooming situation this year.</p>

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<p>dbwes, good days and bad days. It doesn’t seem to be a typical adjustment thing, though. She knows she could make it better, and how to do it. But she doesn’t want to be there, so she doesn’t WANT to adjust. (Talk about stubborn.) She’s got the long-distance-boyfriend thing, too, which is making it more complicated, and of course she envies him his choice of school, since she also liked that school and he’s thriving there. I think the bottom line is that it’s too far from home and she doesn’t want to be that far away and so doesn’t want to get used to it. I know that if she were at the exact same school, closer to home, she would probably be just fine. She likes her classes, though, so at least that part is good. And she has some friends, though she’s resisting that, too. As if to have friends would be to fall into the pit of liking it there. lol. Good to have a small laugh here. Not much to be lighthearted about, lately! I’m so sad for her, and tired of not knowing what to do, say, etc. I’m not sure how many years this has taken off my life, but let’s just say that I probably have a lot of eating well and exercising to do to make up for the stress I’ve had! Vitamins, too.</p>

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<p>This sounds a little different then what I thought it was. I bet it works out in spite of her resistance. It’s still early in the year to judge. Hope things fall into place for her! And transferring is an option, but I wouldn’t go down that road with her for a little while longer. Good luck!</p>

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<p>One potential problem is that unhappy kids often don’t do as well as they should academically, which in turn greatly diminishes their transfer options. So I would stress the importance of doing really well in classes if the school does not seem to be a good match.</p>

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<p>Which is worse for transferring–dropping out midsemester, or finishing semester but possibly bad grades?
I have a similar situation with my D–not liking school, wanting to quit, missing boyfriend, etc. Trying to get her to stick out the semester.
Heron, I feel your pain–we have to keep our health up and “let go”
Hard to do when you worry about the mental health of your daughter. Never thought she would be this way, as she always said she couldn’t wait to leave home.<br>
Good luck to us all!</p>

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<p>I think that if she drops out in the middle of first semester, she will not be considered a transfer, since she will have no college credit. She will probably have to apply as a freshman again. She will have to explain what she did the year after HS, and I am not sure how dropping out will affect her admissions chances…</p>

<p>Maybe the option of transferring at the end of the year can motivate her enough to get good grades?</p>

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<p>On the LD BF, my Dd has had a LD BF for 4 years, she is now a senior at her original school. Her first year roommate situation was unpleasant and id retrospect, she should have switched out sooner, but she was trying to make it work. She couldn’t believe they did not want to be her friends (triple with 2 girls who were already friends)</p>

<p>The BF thing has been great, it took a while to work it out emotionally, but in time she realised how much freedom she had to be a part of campus life rather than joined at the hip with BF. Many of her girlfriends spend ALL their time with their BF and that is not the optimal EC.</p>

<p>With a LH relationship you have a touchstone, you are at a new place with new people and new opportunities; sometimes you can become confused. You have the ability to talk every night with some one who knew you before and that person can help you stay strong and stay focused.</p>

<p>DD would have preferred BFs school, but they ended up residents of different places, so each could not afford the other’s school. They are still going strong and are still a wonderful support system for each other.</p>

<p>They have also both been able to be fully dedicated to their studies and their campus experience. If she chooses to stay at this school and stay with her BF, it can be a good part of life</p>

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<p>I think it is an excellent idea to have your daughter visit the counseling center, not only because they may be able to offer her the kind of support and direction that could be very beneficial to her but also because, based on her needs and circumstances, the counseling center could advocate on your daughter’s behalf with the residential life office to secure a room change. Res life would be very responsive if the counseling center indicated there is a need for a room change.</p>