When do you cut the financial cord? (long)

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<p>A sincere and heartfelt thank you to everyone who replied to this thread. So much good advice! I need to take a day to think about it. I wrote a letter to all the children since we can’t have a family meeting- each one if them is in a different state or country. </p>

<p>I laid out what we need for them to do, and what we are willing to do.</p>

<p>I don’t know if the letter will get sent, or if I will call, but writing things down helps me think. As I mentioned, I actually wrote the original post, re- read it and copied and pasted it so that I could decide if I really wanted to post it. Somehow it got posted anyway, but now I am glad that it did. It helps to see things as an outsider would see them.</p>

<p>Thanks again. After I work this out, and consider all your advice, I’ll post again so that you can all see how much you helped me. :-)</p>

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<p>I think a letter is a great idea because it will allow them and you to collect thoughts before speaking. If you catch them off guard on the phone, it’s possible that the best conversation may not occur.</p>

<p>I don’t think you are crazy. I think you’re a mom doing the best you can. We all want to do for our kids, you know?</p>

<p>Here’s food for thought: on the marital difficulties thread, the consequences of holding grudges or festering conflict has been discussed. If you don’t resolve this in some fashion, it could be very problematic for your marriage since it’s so fraught. Money, fairness. exes, bio versus non-bio children, this has every possible hot spot. Protect your marriage first and foremost.</p>

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<p>Thanks again to everyone who took time to respond. It’s been eye opening and very helpful.</p>

<p>Update- I did have the “talk” with DD23, and DH had the “talk” with DSS23.</p>

<p>DD23 will be paying her Direct loan. I will continue to pay for her car while DD18 is driving it, and we will ask DD18 to pay her car insurance when she gets a job. </p>

<p>DD23 has been told that we expect him to get a job, pay his rent and living expenses and eventually his car payment. He has also been told that this is his last year of being subsidized. He will need to work full time and go to school part time to finish college. We will see if he has any “skin in the game” next year. The problem is that he has no job, and DH is unwilling to let him sink right now. I feel like he can skate along and just keep saying he has no job. I believe there are jobs to be had in the area and he is not trying hard enough. His girlfriend has 2 jobs, and he has no job.</p>

<p>At least we have started having the discussions with the kids about what our expectations are .</p>

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<p>Good for you, vderon. It’s a tough situation, and you seem to be on the same page with DH now and handling it very well, and gracefully.</p>

<p>(Stevensmama–I was responding to the tone of “the kid needs to get off her little butt” which seems to imply some blame/judgment that seemed unwarranted. perhaps that’s not what you meant.)</p>

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<p>Good job, vderon (and dh)! Hoping this gets resolved to your liking.</p>

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<p>Vderon:</p>

<p>Sounds like you are handling it well… For me the key is getting both you and your H on the same page and then working out a transition plan for each situation. </p>

<p>While I do think it is time for the various kids to be heading towards being self sufficient, I also think that radically changing the rules of the game overnight would be a major shock to the system. Seems to me like you are giving them a reasonable amount of time to adjust.</p>

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<p>Congrats to you for starting the process. It seems very significant that your DH was willing to at least talk with DSS23.</p>

<p>How about online job search for all the kids—you could forward likely openings, and perhaps your DH would like to add a quick message to the emails. If nothing else, it might help everyone realize that there are jobs avaliable.</p>

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<p>Way ahead of you Mom2M :-). I signed up on the Board of Labor website in his state and have been having my DH send him job postings. I found one for a door company that was hiring 20 people to work on the doors, and were willing to work with college students schedules.</p>

<p>This was Monday. Yesterday DH asked him if he applied. He said no, because some of his friends had worked there and “said it sucked.” DH told him to go apply anyway. </p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>I told DH we should treat him like the unemployment people treat you- if you collect unemployment, you have to send in a list of the jobs you have applied for, interviews you have done, etc… We are his unemployment agency, so I think he should be accountable to us. DH has not acted on that suggestion yet.</p>

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<p>Vderon
You are soooo good. I love your DH’s response. This may be very helpful in the long run, clearly there are jobs avaliable. Perhaps this will make your DH more comfortable with decreasing the financial support at the end of the year.</p>

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<p>“His girlfriend has 2 jobs, and he has no job.”</p>

<p>Gah…if young women would just refuse to date deadbeats, a lot of young men would get off their butts in a hurry.</p>

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<p>That’s what I was thinking Hanna. At least he’s smart enough to be with a hard-working woman.</p>

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<p>Update. Found out that DSS23 has not been paying his rent this summer. Dh has given him money every month, and we found out today that he did not pay his deposit, or July and August rent.</p>

<p>He has run through probably 7 or 8 hundred dollars and not paid his rent. It makes me feel ill, not to mention that he has hurt his dad once again. It breaks my heart that DH has done so much for him and he keeps disappointing him.</p>

<p>He says he his going to pawn all his stuff to pay the rent. I told DH we should let him. </p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

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<p>Vderon - I hope you and your husband will not bail the 23 year old son out again. As long as you enable him to sit around playing video games and not have a job - he will continue. Its time to put your foot (feet!) down. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Vderon, DSS23 can not be trusted, that’s very sad. I hope you both cut him off financially, that may be the only way he learns. And, if he has keys to your home, change your locks. By not using the rent money for rent, he’s been stealing from DH, it wouldn’t be surprising for him to steal more from your home. So protect yourselves. S23’s problems may run very deep, and bailing him out only enables him to continue to live in the hole he’s dug for himself. He may need to suffer (a lot) before he decides to pick himself up. It will be interesting to see if the GF sticks around…
Wow, I just noticed that he is in South Dakota. Here are the unemployment rates for S Dakota:</p>

<p>Statewide 4.5 percent - June 2010 seasonally adjusted
(July 2010 data will be released August 18, 20 10.)</p>

<p>Rapid City MSA 4.3 percent - June 2010 not seasonally adjusted
(July 2010 data will be released August 27, 2010.)</p>

<p>Sioux Falls MSA 4.3 percent - June 2010 not seasonally adjusted
(July 2010 data will be released August 27, 2010.)</p>

<p>Source: Labor Market Information Center, South Dakota Department of Labor and Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor</p>

<p>The national rate is 9.5% In California, where I live it’s 12.2%. My DS, who is about half-way through college, but unable to transfer this year due to state budget cuts, found a full-time well-paying job with benefits in about a week and a half. And believe me, he had some serious “issues” to overcome. We did a lot of tough love with him.</p>

<p>Sorry, DSS23 not finding a job is B.S. Very sad and disappointing for DH and you. There is no excuse for his unemployment–are there serious mental health issues, or is he just behaving like a lazy bum?</p>

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<p>That’s infuriating. Dh needs to man up and cut this kid off. Dr. Phil says that money problems are never about money, and I think that’s the case here. The 23yo has bigger issues, and I wouldn’t give him another penny. What has he said he’s spending the money on?</p>

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<p>Quote:
What has he said he’s spending the money on? </p>

<p>I’m guessing drugs.</p>

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<p>I feel terrible for posting my problems on an Internet forum, but it’s comforting to be able to talk about it. I have a hard time talking to DH about it since yesterday. DH is so upset. </p>

<p>Anyway, I think his problems may run deep. I have always thought so. He’s an angry fellow, but he has never hit anyone. He screams and yells. He manipulates his father through guilt.</p>

<p>Last night on Facebook he wrote that he might be better off dead. He made sure I saw it, then he dropped me as a friend from Facebook. He has written things like that before. His friends don’t buy it apparently. When he wrote that last night, one of his friends told him to quit whining.</p>

<p>I called his girlfriend after he posted that, and she said he was sleeping calmly on the couch. When he gets in trouble, he will always say things like: “I’m the biggest loser in the whole world”, " I’m a failure" “Everything is always my fault”.</p>

<p>Before you know it, his dad is trying to convince him that he is not any of those things, and the focus is taken off of what he did wrong, and his dad just fixes the problem.</p>

<p>I think my DH is afraid that if he cuts him off financially we will never hear from him again. It could happen- DSS23 barely talks to his mom. </p>

<p>I don’t think he does drugs. but he drinks plenty of alcohol. His Facebook posts are all about drinking and video games. He also goes to the movies and buys video games. I noticed that he was spending money, but I assumed that the girlfriend was paying for their social life. We sent him just enough money this summer for food and rent.</p>

<p>The girlfriend hasn’t paid her half of the rent either, so they pretty much blew all the money they had this summer. </p>

<p>I didn’t think he would be dumb enough to waste the rent money. We thought about sending the money directly to the landlord, but how long do you treat a 23 year old like a child?</p>

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<p>Vderon, continuing to pay his bills going forward would be treating him like a child. YDS is right, both your DH and SS23 need to “man up” (I usually hate that phrase, but it does eem appropriate here). I would cut him off cold. If all he wants from DH is money, and stops talking to him if DH won’t support him, then it would be best for everyone to take a break. I would make sure he knows he is welcome to visit, keep making an effort to stay in touch even if he is rude some of the time when you are with him and in contact. </p>

<p>If he really does seem to have suicidal tendencies, then the one bill you might offer to pay is for psychiatric counseling.</p>

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<p>Vderon, don’t feel terrible. You are venting frustration, getting advice and not further upsetting your DH. It’s all good.</p>

<p>I support sopranomom’s idea–change the locks on the house. Other than that, follow the transition plan previously outlined to DSS23. I, personally, would make any further rent payments to the landlord. I would want the money spent on rent, if that’s what it takes to make it happen, oh well. And the back rent would be DSS23’s problem. </p>

<p>“I don’t want to live” or “I’m such a loser” statements would result in a call to the campus mental health department, not an infusion of money. If DSS23 is in need of mental health services, that is the appropriate response. Cash won’t help in those circumstances.</p>

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<p>Most kids who are cut off don’t starve, don’t become homeless, don’t commit suicide. What they usually do is figure out a way to eat and live on their own because there is no one around anymore willing to do it for them.</p>

<p>“Necessity is the mother of invention.”</p>