<p>““I don’t want to live” or “I’m such a loser” statements would result in a call to the campus mental health department, not an infusion of money.”</p>
<p>Thanks for your support. He uses the above statements whenever he is in trouble. He has done that for years, and never once harmed himself or tried to harm himself. </p>
<p>My concern is the first time we ignore that kind of manipulation will be the first time he does something. Every one who knows him thinks making those statements is his way of controlling his parents, but it definitely plays on your mind.</p>
<p>We have been trying to get him to see a pyschiatrist since he got kicked out of moms house when he was about 19. He absolutely refuses. Won’t consider it for a second.</p>
<p>Vderon, I understand your concern…that’s why I don’t suggest ignoring the comments. Calling the mental health services on campus is an appropriate action. They can offer him the help in needs. It’s a postive step for you and your DH to take.</p>
<p>If it is pure manipulation, not getting the cash he wants should stop the behavior. Perhaps you should consult the mental health offices now, to be prepared in the future…
just a rambling thought.</p>
<p>Follow the transition plan. No backing out now, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Keep sending those job opening listings, maybe he’ll take one. Remind him of the transition plan. (Ok, I would modify the plan and send the rent to the landlord, maybe even send the food money as a gift card to the grocery store/favorite fast food place…but no additional money.)</p>
<p>I would not do this because people sell cards for less than face value (ie: someone will buy a $50 gift card from your son for $35-40 in cash). Also, if you think it is possible that your son might have problems with alcohol, many grocery stores sell liquor. You would be better off sending food if possible. Also, many grocery stores deliver so I think that you would be better off ordering and paying for FOOD ONLY by ordering directly for him.</p>
<p>V—I speak from experience here…blended family…older boys, not my biological children…etc. He is manipulating you two. It took me years to make my own connection with H’s now 28 year old son. It came to a point that we made a joint decision to put our collective feet down. At one point we had agreed to pay his rent and his car payments and insurance while he paid some legal fees and probation fees etc. (after a MAJOR guilt trip…btw) We committed to this for 24 months (around age 25) (He did some really stupid things, never drugs, but just really dumb stuff like never paying speeding tickets, not having insurance and then letting those things go years to the point that 20 some odd tickets got him put in jail and all the while he acted as if life was perfect…he compartmentilizes better than anyone I have ever met.) Just for reference, he has a college degree, then went to massage school, and has declared both “not the path he wants to follow” He now wants to do theatre.</p>
<p>Fast forward about 18 months into our agreement and I get a certified letter from his attorney saying he has not paid a dime of his legal fees and on that same day, a call from the Sheriff saying they were looking for him (he gave our home address as his address) because he failed to meet ANY terms of his probation. He had not done a day of community service, not paid any of the fines. So for 18 months we were paying almost $1300 a month for him to take everyone of his pennies and live a high life. (we later found out he was spending about $1200 a month eating out and treating his “friends” to meals and drinks) I had never been so ****ed off in my life. It killed me to see how disappointed my H was. He was actually heartbroken. Realized we had been played. That evening we went and picked up the car. (it was in my name) We called him and then sent him a certified letter notifying him that he were cutting him off. H wanted to make sure he realized we were serious.</p>
<p>Fast Forward to today. I have no idea how he pays his rent and how he gets around town. He guilts me all the time that he would spend more time with his younger siblings but reminds me that transportation is an issue. I don’t care anymore. I use to feel very guilty. He does what he can to make me feel guilty. H and I just got back from a wonderful trip two weeks ago and he posted on my FB the day I left (so glad I did not see it until my return) “hope you have a great time…enjoy the wonderful food…I will think of you over my peanut butter and jelly.” I replied…which he promptly deleted…that we had a great time and that maybe one day, when his priorities were straight he could enjoy the fruits of his labor. But it takes labor to enjoy the fruits.</p>
<p>The bottom line is the DS23 is feeling entitled. He was never there to witness your own H’s meal of P B & J in the early years. They only see the here and now and declare it’s not fair. I have stopped having regrets and feeling bad. My H busted his a$$ for 30 years building his company and if he wants to travel 10 weeks of the year so be it. These kids will only ever get it when their own kids have their hands out way past what is reasonable.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone. Collegeshopping, I think you might be writing the story of our life if we let this continue.</p>
<p>This kid has never stopped punishing us. The day we got married, he walked out of our wedding and ran around the parking lot. He was in the 5th grade. The pastor had to talk him into sitting through the ceremony.</p>
<p>Your comment:</p>
<p>"It killed me to see how disappointed my H was. He was actually heartbroken. Realized we had been played. "</p>
<p>I look at DH and I see that it’s finally hitting him- we are getting played, and we have been since the beginning. He uses that divorce guilt to manipulate us , even to this day.</p>
<p>The thing that is keeping me awake at night are the threats to do violence to himself. Did your stepson ever say he was going to kill himself?</p>
<p>DH and I have made it through 13 years of marrige with constant problems with this kid. I love DH and we have a wonderful life together now.</p>
<p>If we cut his son off , and I am any part of that, and he hurts himself, I’m afraid DH will blame me.</p>
<p>This is a very real and serious concern. Also, think of this though. If he is an alcoholic or into drugs that you don’t know about, by continuing to give him money you are helping him to continue to live the way he is living now. Why should he change? Additionally, if he is an alcoholic he can also drink himself to death, kill himself or someone else in a car accident, or get hurt in some other way too.</p>
<p>^^^^Then it seems you should certainly make a referral to a mental health agency and get this checked out “just in case.” Discuss this with your husband as well.</p>
<p>You cannot spend the rest of your life bailing this kid out because you are afraid he might harm himself if you don’t. That’s an emotional blackmail of the worst kind, imo.</p>
<p>Good luck. You’ve certainly got your hands full.</p>
<p>Northeastmom Good point on selling the grocery card or buying alcohol. I never thought of either of those options.</p>
<p>Vderon, you are really in a tough spot. The manipulation has to stop. If the transition plan calls for you to pay the rent/food/car for x period of time, try and find a way to do those things directly. Remind DSS23 of the transition plan, and your confidence that he can succeed on his own. Find the number for the mental health services…and call them when appropriate. Make sure your DH has the number. </p>
<p>You are not cutting DSS23 off, you are sticking to the transition plan, and providing appropriate medical support when necessary. </p>
<p>Perhaps a family counselor would be helpful to you and your DH. It might help if someone else is making suggestions about DSS23. At least it might help you sleep at night.</p>
<p>V–you can’t cut him off because your H will blame you. What you have to do is support your husband as he has the self discovery that it needs to be done. It was always my H that spoke the words to his son. You can’t be a puppet master either. It has to your H’s choice. My H has the guilt not of divorce but of the death of this first wife. S28 will always say things like we don’t understand because we grew up with a mother. I will sit there dumbfounded because, yeah the older boys were delt a crap hand, but they control their own destiny. I do try to gently remind them of this. I am a giver and the boys know this, but over the last three years I realize the best gift I can give them is the gift of a role model of a strong married relationship and a role model of being a loving giving person sans doormat. I take much better care of myself now, my marriage is very strong and I have learned to pick my battles wisely.</p>
<p>When you don’t have the burden of “required” help around your neck, it amazing the things you can do. You and your H should be able to travel and enjoy each other. Some may feel that is selfish, but not taking that time for each other will only cause destruction along the way and the emotional cost of divorce is far more expensive tha the monetary cost of cruise or great weekend getaway.</p>
<p>Your DS23 will find his way, but if he is never forced to walk the path himself, he will always follow the path of least resistence instead of walking the path of discovery and wonder. I have been in your shoes. I have walked the path. The road I am on is so much better. When you enable him to continue these self abusing behaviors, the cost to him is so great that he may never be able to get out of debt. (It took years for me to realize this) </p>
<p>I found your comment about what he said about working at a specific place and he said it “sucks.” Tell him it “sucks” to work all day to pay bills that don’t belong to you. And if you or DH are going to work all day, he needs to start working too. Work is work. That is why it has its name. Xbox 360 does not pay the bills.</p>
<p>Just make sure you and your H put up a united front eventhough you may disagree behind closed doors. If DS23 smells disagreement he will exploit it.</p>
<p>V–about harming himself threats…yes…been there done that and boy does it pull the heartstrings. My H made it very clear that if that is how he viewed life or himself then what we would pay for was intensive in patient treatment for what ever disorder was distorting his thoughts. He was clear to DS28 that any further mention of harm would warrent police intervention. It stopped on spot.</p>
<p>“V–you can’t cut him off because your H will blame you. What you have to do is support your husband as he has the self discovery that it needs to be done.”</p>
<p>Collegeshopping is completely correct. Don’t try to get between your H and his son.</p>
<p>I don’t plan to cut him off financially or emotionally unless that is what DH decides to do, but it has to be fair. We can’t give him everything - there are 3 other kids and our own finances have been very tight this year.</p>
<p>Actually this month, there is no choice. We don’t have the cash in hand to pay the 2 months of rent and the deposit that have been missed. So, DH will pay a little this coming paycheck and the last paycheck of the month directly to the landlord. It won’t be enough to catch them up- they are going to have to come up with some ideas on their own.</p>
<p>I’m mentally exhausted. I just figured out why DSS23 got rid of me as a friend on Facebook. He got rid of me, then posted a bunch of vicious foul mouthed stuff about how his dad, his “financial lifeline”, had cut him off, and it was his girlfriends fault that it happened. None of what he said was true, and it was all very nasty. </p>
<p>I’m assuming he got rid of me as a friend before I could dispute anything he said, since DH’s daughter and his ex-wife will be able to read that stuff and will now think we are the villians. I’m not sure if I would have said anything, but he made sure I couldn’t. </p>
<p>I think DSS23’s opinion of his father is pretty clear- who calls their father a “financial lifeline?”</p>
<p>My next plan is take a nap. I need to stop thinking about this.</p>
<p>Vderon…just wanted to say that I’m sorry that this situation has deteriorated so much. Hope you can get some rest. Sometimes things have to hit bottom before they get better. </p>
<p>I also want to say that your story points to one of the reasons that I am so wary of Facebook. It can be used to perpetuate a nasty gossip chain…and that’s the LAST thing you need right now. Just stay off it and tell those close to you what’s really going on.</p>
Or maybe they read that and thought, “Good! It’s about time that boy got a job and started taking care of some of his own financial responsibilities.” I really encourage you to try not to care about what other people think about you (or what you THINK other people think about you.) It is in the best interests of you, your husband and your DSS, to stop the financial handouts… All the best to you!</p>
<p>We told S that if he wanted a car, he had to buy his own insurance & pay his own gas & maintenance. We sent him our old 1992 car & he has been handling his responsibility. D doesn’t have a license, so she has NOT been asking for a car or to drive. When they are at home, they can use the family cars.</p>
<p>Paying for car loans is really a bottomless pit, espeically when there are so many of them, plus the insurance. We pay cash or don’t buy cars & haven’t bought a new car since 1999! We have acquired several pre-owned cars, but feel the repair bills are lower than car payments would be & have AAA, just in case there are breakdowns.</p>
<p>It’s fair to let all the young people know that you can no longer afford to help with the auto insurance & payments, but give them at least 30 days notice, so they can make adjustments.</p>
<p>SO many good ideas, and thanks for the good thoughts. If I could, I’d like to impose on you all for one more opinion.</p>
<p>We hear that DSS23 put his hand through the wall in anger after all of this went down the other night. He won’t talk to DH, insisting that DH f–d him over, and saying that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with DH.</p>
<p>I’ve spent a couple days researching his behavior, and it seems to me that he might have bipolar depression, complicated by alcohol. </p>
<p>I want to talk to Dh about pulling him out of college for this coming semester, paying his rent directly to the landlord, and telling DSS23 that we will resume helping him pay for college in 2nd semester if he will go talk to health services, get a job and show us he is stable before he goes back to school.</p>
<p>I’m afraid if we leave things the way they are, when he gets his loan money from school, he will use it for whatever, or take it and leave the area, and not actually attend school. He is already almost 2 years behind in college from dropping and failing classes, so I don’t think school is a priority for him. I also question his ability to pass classes in his current state of mind.</p>
<p>This is going to be a difficult conversation to have with DH. Do you think I should have it, or am I interjecting myself too much into his relationship with his son?</p>
<p>I do not know what your dss’s diagnosis is, and I would not diagnose him if I were you. I think that you can discuss your ss’s behavior with your husband. I think that you can say what you think might happen and suggest to your husband what he might consider. I don’t know if your husband will listen to your suggestions. He may just be so used to enabling your ss to do whatever he is doing that he may not change how he relates to him. I think that your husband can also benefit from some counseling as to how he can support his son in way that would be healthy for his son (and also in a way that will be healthy for the 2 of you!). I think that you, your husband, and your ss’s mother (and her spouse if there is one) need to all be on the same page where your ss is concerned.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine to have the converation with you husband about DSS23 and school. However, I would be less specific with suggestions. Bipolar is very difficult to diagnose in the case of substance abuse and I suspect that is his primary problem. Discuss with DH about his son and continuing to finance school. But, let him decide, with your support which can include suggestions for problem solving, the best route to take. Also, if possible, encourage his biological parents to work together for solutions, maybe with the help of a counselor, so they can be a united front.</p>
<p>In regard to total cost, when dependent works, he/she is not dependent any more. Working child should pay all the loans or do not have them to begin with. This is my rule #1.<br>
Rule #2 is setting priorities correctly. If one seems to need medical attention, this is a priority over college education. Not everybody meant to go to college and it could be plan for a future. When one is 23, family has done reasonable attempts to support his college education. If it did not work out, it is time to move on.</p>
I need to stop thinking about this.</p>
All the best to you!</p>