Here are the changes he’ll experience in list form … just to be as succinct as possible:
Returning to the US from living abroad in Asia for 5 years (ages 14-19) with only 3 visits to The States … re-entry shock
Separating from me, a single mom … he’s an only child … separation anxiety
After college orientation, I’ll be returning to Asia for work … no visits home possible
I probably, due to distance and finances, won’t be able to visit him till winter break of his sophomore year … or to see him
The extended family is generally not very supportive, with one exception … don’t want to take advantage too much
Transition from an IB school with very supportive staff to a college where he’s expected to advocate for himself
Must manage his own medication and advocate for accommodations for LDs … he’s leaned on HS and me for this
He’s a smart introverted kid with a small circle of dear friends here which took him a long long time to cultivate …
There just isn’t much money to travel … redundant but important
My main concern is how he’ll cope with the re-entry shock and that he won’t be able to visit home regularly.
On the positive side:
The college is a LAC with a student centered reputation and his top choice. Accepted ED. I think he used good judgement.
3 of his closest friends are attending schools in the US in the NE. He’ll be in Ohio. Given his global perspective, that doesn’t seem so far away. They already Skype a lot … live in the same city. Don’t kids visit anymore?
Video Skype is free.
My sister-in-law is a understanding and supportive, but she’s very busy, travels a lot for work.
What else is positive?
Does anyone have any suggestions? Perhaps it’s just me worrying and he’ll be just fine. He is inclined to be practical, down-to-earth in his approach to life … generally. But also quite sensitive, but emotionally reserved. Any thoughts?
For #7, you still have a few months to start pulling back and letting him manage on his own under your supervision. Re #8, before he arrives on campus, see if he can find a Facebook page for some club or organization on campus in which he’d like to participate, then start making online contacts with the leadership / members. He can ask them questions about their activities and how to join, which will initiate a relationship that will hopefully jump-start his process of making new friends… Make sure he does that also with his roommate, if he finds out who it is in advance of arrival.
Or if he can’t stay in his dorm room, they may have other short term housing options. Or he can make friends and stay with them.
Start having him manage his medications now. This has been a continuing issue with my daughter at college…different doctors have different Rx’s and those meds are on different schedules at the pharmacy. Have him find out now what pharmacy he should use at college. My DD’s college works with a local pharmacy that delivers.
IB school will be a good background for college. But talk to him about prof. office hours and what they are for.
Have him find out now what the Disability Office needs as proof for any LDs that might need accommodation. Tell your son that you would rather him get the accommodations and not need them vs. the other way around.
Work with him and look up the Counceling Center and what they provide…so if he needs help he knows where to go.
Have him join the FB group for the class at his college…maybe some of the people will start to look familiar.
Talk to him about ways to be a little proactive to make friends, e.g.
During Orientation, go to as many activities as you can. Ask people in your hall way if they are going. Introduce yourself…they are looking for friends too. “Hey, I am Pat…what are you majoring in?”
Go to the Activities Fair and sign up for a bunch of clubs that are of interest. They may not all pan out, but don’t eliminate anything yet. If you are into music/D&D/running/church/whatever, you can find other people who are interested too. Service clubs are great because you spend time working together.
Talk to the people on your floor…Get some cookies and offer them “Hey I have cookies, anyone want some?” and then strike up a conversation about where they are from, what they are majoring in, etc. People like to talk about themselves…let them. Don’t make it too long…move on to others.
At dinner time, ask your roommate/people on your hall if they are going to dining hall. Go with them. See if people in your dorm generally sit in the same area… Join them.
Go to any dorm activities your RA has set up. If you are still having issues, talk to your RA. See if they have ideas. If not suggest that they have one. Maybe a movie and pizza?
Join your dorm’s intramural (or any intramural) team.
Talk to others in your classes…exchange numbers so that if either of you miss you can exchange notes… Ask what someone got on a homework question (that you did too)…once you get to know them, ask if they want to form a study group.
If this isn’t working, go to the Counseling Center…they are ready to help freshman this time of year. Don’t think you are a loser because you have to go…this is something you pay for! Get the benefit! You may need to learn some new social skills. They may also have group talks on Homesickness or fitting in.
Go to ongoing campus activities…concerts/movies/lectures/parties. Invite someone/group of people or just sign up and meet people for activities that might be off campus.
See if your dorm/floor has a GroupMe Group set up…otherwise suggest to someone who is extraverted that it might be a good idea. Then people can send a group text that they are showing a movie in the lounge or are baking cupcakes in the kitchen.
I think you are “just worrying and he’ll be just fine”. We worry as parents - that’s natural. As you are a single parent at a distance I can totally understand your heightened concerns, and my thoughts are that you may risk the separation anxiety and you will have to adjust to more change than the average parent.
He sounds like a wonderful young man with good judgement. It sounds like he’s going to a fine LAC with a supportive environment. Probably a good start for him to begin building his independence for the real world he’ll encounter in life, because you can’t (and won’t) always be there.
[edited to remove my lame attempt at humor which was unnecessary]
I don’t know if you have factored in his part time and summer earnings. Many students are able to get good paying jobs in the summer, so he may be able to earn enough money to go home in the summer. It may also be more economical for him to go home in the summer and work, rather than paying room and board in the US.
I feel for you. It is not easy to send an 18 yr old so far away. One good thing is our technology is so much better now, you will be able to Skype and talk with him.
Are there a lot of international students at his school? If so, there will likely be other kids who can’t return home during break or who won’t have a lot of parent visits. Maybe check out that aspect beforehand or reach out to a dean who deals with international students. Good luck!
Check into the supports for international students. If he’s an American citizen the school may not have classified him as one but it sounds like he’ll need the same kind of support offered to them. Most LAC’s have a dean charged with looking out for internationals. He or she may be very helpful in keeping an eye out for your son and helping him to adjust. At many schools international students are offered housing over breaks and other help they wouldn’t normally offer US kids.
Hugs to you - it is never easy sending our kids away and your circumstances are unique.
There used to be a thread here on CC listing local parents - its probably still here. I am not sure if you are comfortable with this, but may not hurt to see who lives near your son’s university and have a contact just in case of illness or something unexpected. Stuff happens in college and best to have a plan. This is a very kind and helpful collection of parents who are willing to help each other’s kids. I know if a parent reached out to me, I would certainly be happy to help in any way I could.
I don’t know what his major will be, but have him take a lighter courseload first semester if possible, so he can give himself a chance to adjust to all the changes.
Hopefully his school will have orientation days where he can explore some clubs. Playing an instrument or sport (for fun) can also relieve stress.
Some schools have pre-college programs at the end of summer where they can move in early and make likeminded friends before starting classes.
Really liked that list @bopper! The overriding message of many of those items is that trying to make friends is a thing you can actually DO and taking some proactive steps can really help facilitate the process, particularly if you’re not naturally a social butterfly. This goes against some kids’ natural inclinations, and it may even feel a bit contrived, as if making friends, like finding true love, ought to be the sort of thing that just magically and organically happens on its own. Well, there’s a reason there’s been explosive growth in online dating sites: sometimes magic needs a little help. It takes some courage and perhaps fighting through some discomfort, but I think it’s well worth it.
Speaking from our family’s experience, the importance of a solid friend group is hard to overstate. I’ve watched both of my kids have years where they were miserable (and sometimes struggling academically) when they hadn’t found their tribe and others where they were dramatically more joyful and productive when they had. I think it’s worth making it a conscious priority, particularly early on.
As mentioned above, confirm specifically his housing options for winter break. Even if he can stay, it may cost something. Colleges don’t usually let students stay on campus for the summer unless they have some kind of campus job (in admissions, or summer research, some kind of employment through the college).
You may not have hit this yet because you don’t have the first tuition bill, but because cost is clearly a factor for you, be aware that you most likely will have to purchase the college offered health insurance for him. Usually between $1500-$2000 for the full year.
Here are a few more suggestions which are aimed at making friends and finding a tribe:
Go a bit early to classes, events and parties. It's much easier to start a conversation with strangers when there are only a few people waiting than it is to do so things are in full swing. Even in the classroom, it's easy to strike up a conversation with someone else waiting. for class to begin.
If set up is still in progress when you get to an event, ask if you can pitch in to help--set up chairs, fold or hand out programs, hang signs, etc. If it's obvious that someone is going to have to clean up after an event, pitch in and help. The helpful person is appreciated and usually that person will get to know the others helping out. (Even as an adult, I've gone to events expecting to meet people and haven't met a soul UNTIL the end when I offered to stay and help clean up. )
Many colleges offer short term community service projects---Habitat for Humanity; wrapping Christmas presents for poor kids; singing at a nursing home, etc. Sign up and go.
Be an audience. If the glee club gives a concert, go. Make note of the faces and names of those who are singing and when you run into them, compliment the performance. If a kid on your floor gets the 3 am slot on the college radio station, stay up and listen. ..and let him/her know you did. If there's a fencing or lacrosse match, a modern dance recital, a student theatre production or anything else that is unlikely to attract a big audience, go. If appropriate, ask questions of the audience. Be honest and admit you know nothing if that's the case. Most people LOVE explaining things they are passionate about. If someone on your floor or in a class writes an article for the campus paper, compliment him or her.
Wear a conversation piece. If you're passionate about a band or a singer, wear a t-shirt featuring it. Your son might want to wear one from the city or country where he lives.
If you have to plop down alone at a dining table, do NOT wear headphones, read a book, etc. That discourages people from asking if they can join you.
If he is at all religious, go to services.
Don't get involved with a SO too quickly---give yourself some time to make friends.
And one more---be friendly and open, but don't share too much info about himself with strangers too quickly. Don't force himself into a group.
Great advice above. I’ll add my 2 cents as a fellow parent of third culture kids (although currently living in the states).
See if the school has special housing for international students. The international dorm has been the most fantastic thing that possibly could have happened for my daughter.
If you have any kind of religious background or even openness to such consider making contacts with a faith group ahead of time. Ideally find something close to campus but not a student only organization. Your son can (and should) do student groups on his own but if you are open to it contact a typical church/synagogue/mosque. Explain your situation and see if they are open to being a backup resource your son can call on at need. You have to be careful not to make choices for your son. I would NOT give them contact info for your son but ask if they have contact information you can give to your son if he so chooses. My daughter has really appreciated the local church she found and really likes the multi generational aspect.
Be creative about ways you or your son could see each other in person if at all possible. Make sure you both sign up for frequent flier miles. Those can add up quickly. See if others have miles they are willing to gift you.
Relax. I know, easy to say, hard to do, but my experience is that kids raised in a variety of cultures are resilient and can adjust well. Just the fact that you are acknowledging and preparing with him for the reverse culture shock is huge. There are a lot of resources out there for third culture kids (those who spend a significant portion of their childhood in a country other than their passport country) that can really help to not feel isolated.
You are right…making friends takes some effort. But emphasize that freshman orientation week is when many people make friends…so it is worth making the effort as school begins.
I would think hard about international student housing…I am assuming your son is a US Citizen?
Does he feel the most comfortable around students from the country he had been living in?
or does he want the “typical american college experience”? Will he have a harder time meeting non-internationals if he lives in an international dorm? Or would the international dorm provide the ability to stay on campus over breaks? Is he familiar with US pop teen culture? or more used to the asian culture he has been in?
If you genuinely believe your son is not mature enough to cope with college, take a year out (or longer) until he has some coping skills. Dropping out is a very expensive mistake to make.
Agree with comments and recommendations above. Some other ideas.
There is likely an international students group at the college. Have him join this as they will likely be a great resource and many will be in the same boat for holidays etc.
Contact the Office of Disabilities now if he will need any accommodations (ex. extra time on exams). Find out exactly what documentation is needed and get it all sent in before he sets foot on campus. When you are on campus make an appointment to go over to meet the people who work there. And yes, have him begin to take responsibility for his medications now and be certain he understands why they are necessary.
Before he gets to college find make arrangements for him to get his medication on a timely basis with no hassles (perhaps by mail).
At some point you can contact the school’s office of residential life to understand what (if any) accommodations can be made for international students over breaks. If there are not good accommodations, perhaps consider asking your relative in the US for help.
You are forgetting the biggest positive…your S has an opportunity to receive an excellent education. That is something worth sacrificing for.
I have seen international parents hang around during orientation week after the college has encouraged parents to leave. This is understandable if you traveled a long way and are worried about him, but it really isn’t in the student’s best interest. That is when all the freshman are looking for new friends, and they should be with their peers day and evenings as much as possible during that window. When the college has an event that they label as “goodbye to parents” or something like that, you shouldn’t stick around after that. There was a student at D2’s college whose mom rented an apartment near campus for the first semester! My kid said that student was slow to acclimate to college, too.
Thank you, all for responding! Excellent suggestions! Below are my thoughts about your points. Before I begin, Happy Chinese New Year! Here we get to celebrate New Years Day twice. It’s now the year of the Monkey … a clever beast. The city emptied out this past weekend and it’s still oddly quiet in this usually chaotic place. This is a holiday week for us, so I have plenty of time to think and write … My son is completing IB IAs, thus not such a holiday for him, but not quite as busy … at least that’s all he has to focus on this week.
Forgive me, another list
Yes, US Citizen - born and raised till he was 14 and eager to return to The States though I've made it clear he could go to univ. in other countries if he so chose.
Making Friends - I'm consolidating all your suggestions into one long list. Not quite sure how I'll present it to him, but something will come to me ...
Medication - all comments well noted and also regarding health insurance, pharmacy, doctor, etc.
Foreign student population on campus - Yes roughly 10%
Housing - according to the colleges's website housing is available during all breaks, all of them, though he might have to move his things to a different building. Also, charges may be waved if the home address is outside the US. That applies. Even if there is an additional fee, it's good to know he won't have to make other arrangements to keep a roof over his head. I do hope he makes friends that ask him home, however.
Food on campus during breaks - no one mentioned this, but (again according to the website) it's limited during breaks. So he'll have to hoof it downtown and buy provisions and/or sometimes eat at restaurants. This is just a roughly 20 minute walk.
Transportation - walk and/or make friends.
LD accommodations - all comments well noted. Especially, regarding sending his documentation in advance.
Counseling and other support services - well noted
International groups organizations - well noted
Dorms - I queried him regarding his interest in the international dorm and he did sound interested. However, there's no guarantee that's where he'll be placed. The college seems to have a rather complex system for pairing freshmen.
Maturity - I believe he's mature enough to learn how to manage college life and academics.
Third culture kids - He has experienced and survived the culture shock process already when adjusting to this place. However, I don't think he fully realizes that after living 5 years abroad during the period he's developing his identity the extent to which he's likely to experience it again. I'm trying to prepare him. He is clueless about US teen culture. All his friends are international travelers or from other cultures.
Orientation Day - There is one. We'll be there. How did you know I was thinking about hanging around an extra day :-) Though, to give myself some credit, it had fleetingly occurred to me this might not be a good idea.
Work - He will have to work. I don't have enough $ to cover all expenses. Even if I did, I believe he should work. I got my first job at 11, but he's never had one primarily due to where we live. He cannot work here without a work permit. He will work on campus during the academic year and work a lot during the summer. It's not only necessary, but will be good for him to experience supporting himself, paying for all his daily living expenses, and contributing some toward tuition.
Connecting with local parents - During orientation hopefully. I'll search for that forum/thread and think about writing ...
I believe he will be attending a college where he'll get a great education. He'll be a chemistry major.
Again, thank you for all your support and suggestions <3
I’d double check that housing during breaks includes summer breaks (as that is somewhat unusual, but possible) and what the cost is. My kid’s college charged something like $23/day for summer housing last year (no food service). It adds up from mid-May through August – possibly more than the cost of a plane ticket. I am sure he is covered for Thansgiving break, spring break, and a lot of colleges allow int’l students to stay over winter break. But summer is 10-12 weeks, so that is more unusual.
