@intparent I’ll double check. I can Skype them this evening, morning in Ohio.
Re-entry shock isn’t actually as big of a deal as I suspect you fear. I lived in Asia from 11-15 and abruptly joined a public high school in the USA in the middle of freshman year. It only took me about two weeks to completely adjust and get used to things.
Sometimes housing during the summer break can be accommodated if he gets a summer job on campus. I wish him and his very dutiful/thoughtful parent all the best.
I think that, in your situation, it’s perfectly fine to hang around an extra day or even more. Do what you think is right, not what everyone else thinks.
I would think long and hard about this plan. I have a kid like this who had trouble 3 hours away, and is now thriving closer to home. I know I differ from most posters but I think your concerns are well-founded and that either he should go to school closer to you, or you should move to the US.
Of he didn’t have a learning disability (does he have ADHD? ), and isn’t extraordinarily mature, I think that being away from home and parent for that long a time during the first venture forth, is a lot to ask.
If he does do it, it may work out, and if it doesn’t, it won’t be a disaster, but I would be very concerned about it too, sorry, and I think there is good reason. Setting a kid up to fail in many ways.
The culture shock handbook I like best is “The Art of Crossing Cultures” by Craig Storti. He also has a book specifically on re-entry, “The Art of Coming Home” which I haven’t read. Both/either might be worth looking at.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are the one with the separation anxiety, not your son…
I question the prudence of picking a school that is such an expensive strain on your budget that it precludes more frequent travel.
Realistically, I can’t move back to the US for another year or so and he is adamant about wanting to return to The States for college. Like many his age, he can be quite mature and then moments later act like a child. There are aspects to his personality that I think will carry him through … he has a practical attitude toward life and he’s not easily swayed by peer pressure. These traits were manifest before we moved abroad … when he was quite young … and I think are fundamental aspects of his personality. If you ask him what’s most important when making a decision principal or practical considerations, he’ll choose the latter. I’ve know him to resist pressure from a crowd of other boys to do something unsafe, and he just walked away. He is also very security and safety conscious. I tease him by telling him he ought to become a safety engineer. And he’s very hard working … the IB Diploma program taught him how to study.
I worry because of his introversion and saw how unhappy he was during the first 1.5 years we lived here till he adjusted and began making friends. As soon as he made his first close friend, he was more cheerful and began to blossom. Now his circle has grown to include 5 (a good number for an introvert) that he regularly communicates and hangs out with. But 1.5 years is a very long adjustment period. That’s what concerns me. Will that be repeated? Or is he mature enough, self aware enough to be proactive about finding ‘his people’ as he calls them.
I’ve strongly recommended to him (another CC member recommended this) that he take the lightest load possible the first semester, get a job (he has to do that anyway) and just focus on ‘finding his people’. He will be able to transfer over some of his IB credit to make up for the easy first semester. Better to use it to start out on solid footing than to graduate early.
This is the plan. Sufficient unto the day … If the worst happens and he just can’t adjust after exhausting all resources, we’ll deal with it then.
By the way, connecting on the forum has really helped me improve my attitude. Thanks to everyone.
Can’t student stay in the other country or can parent move to US? The plan seems problematic give what you say about the student’s personality, separation anxiety, learning disabilities and need for meds. Seems like a recipe for disaster. A college degree is only worth so much. Further, you’d think he could get one in the country he has been living in. If it were kid of mine, no way in h-ll would I ship him off to some other country for 4 years. Good lord!
I think it is highly unlikely that there is any country in the world where you can find a collge environment that is as supportive for adults and as accomodating for LDs as the US. It sounds as if the family has put a lot of thought into the kind of college they have picked. Time for the kid to spread his wings. He is not the first kid to move across an ocean to go to college, without the possibility to go home for breaks, and at least he will move into a country he knows very well and where he is a native speaker of the language.
My husband and I live in Asia working for the US Government, and our daughter lived here since the age of 3. We lived in a different foreign country from 6 months to age 3. She is currently a freshman at a small college in Massachusetts. While she has no disabilities or need for medications, she has been doing a splendid job adjusting to being American in her own country and managing all of the adjustments that go with that. She is thriving. It can be done.
A couple things helped the transition last summer. We had never visited her school. We went about one month before move in day and spent a couple days in town at an inexpensive hotel that we got using miles. We signed up for the usual admission tour and got the lay of the land so to speak. She was scheduled to have her wisdom teeth removed a week or so after and had contacted the music director prior to the visit to see if she could audition for the orchestra early in the event that she couldn’t play for a few weeks after the surgery and missing the typical required audition. The director was more than happy to oblige and also gave her a tour of the music facility. She also scheduled a meeting with a coach for a club sport that she was interested in and got information from him about that program. We crawled all over the campus, figured out where all kinds of things were, bought memoribilia and t-shirts at the bookstore, ate at the little food court in the student union, etc. She hadn’t received her dorm assignment yet, but got to see the different freshman dorms from outside. We also figured out how to get to a grocery store within walking distance, a few small resturants and whatnot off campus. This visit was without all the pressures and schedule of orientation, more leisurely, and she said she felt much more prepared to move in once we took her back before we returned to Asia.
Secondly, we are a very close family. Where we live in Asia, the American families and peers move in and out a lot more frequently than we have, so maintaining any long term friendships was always a challange for my daughter who is also rather introverted. As a result, we have always spent a lot of time together as a family. We remain close through Skype, but not video Skype, but the texting part of Skype. This has evolved. The time zone difference makes video Skyping tricky sometimes, and with three roommates she has no privacy. She text Skypes with me every day, usually for a few minutes after she first wakes up which is evening here, and then again in the late afternoon when she gets out of her last classes, and it is early morning here. Some parents on this website might think this is too much but it works for us. If we, on either end, are not going to be available at our typical Skype times we leave a message on the Skype texting that says so. We do Skype video once in a while–it was weekly in the fall, now only about once per month. Often she wants to Skype video when she is upset about something–and she is so happy that we haven’t received a request for video, though we did recently request one of her just because we wanted to see her face.
As far as what she is going to do this summer, that is a work in progress. She has applied for a few internships that include housing, but as a freshman I am not sure she will get one. She doesn’t have a driver’s license so that is an issue we still need to tackle. Working at a summer camp might be an option. We do go home for part of the summer every year, so she might be with us, and with relatives the rest of the time. Fortunately, we can afford to have her not work if the things she is trying to do for the summer do not pan out. She is really trying to find something though.
Feel free to PM me if you like.
Keep in mind, he was four, five years younger and those are big years of development. Also, the college environment may work in his favor if he does the advice given above and gets involved. He will have challenges but he sounds like he will find his way. It may take a semester or so.
My child’s college has an early orientation for international students. While technically your son is not an international student, can you find out if such a thing exists and if your son can attend? Tha gives him a little more time to adjust within a smaller social group.
Research has shown the best results for students who speak or hear from students who were in similar circumstances and share what they encountered and how they coped. So, connecting to social skills group (counseling center), international student (he’ll need to present himself, as he won’t be listed as international) groups and support people, and other students with LDs will likely be the best. I also recommend reading Adulting and Life Skills 101 to orient to young adult life in the U.S. Focus on upping the self-advocacy skills too. Check out tuition insurance. Maybe find a therapist local to the college.
Don’t forget your own adjustment, it could be very hard. When my only child left home to US last September, I realised there was a hole in my life. It took me over 6 weeks to adjust not having him around. You need to look after yourself too.
It does sound like our situations are similar. Skype chat could be the ticket and I plan on traveling to ‘college town’ a few days early for various purposes. It’s a good idea to contact the college to let them know and set something up.
It helps to here from other US parents living abroad who’s children are readjusting well to American culture and college life.
Did I miss something? Are there no relatives…aunts, uncles cousins…grandparents? Friends?
My kid went to college 3000 miles from home. She did not come home except for Christmas, and one summer. We had friends and relatives who welcomed her for other breaks. Her school sponsored spring break immersion trips and she did two of those.
Is there a chance your kiddo will live off campus at some point? If that happens, lodging during breaks will not be an issue.
Your original post expressed some worries, and I agreed with them.
Not seeing your son until the middle of sophomore year is a long long time.
You mentioned Ohio and LAC so I could speculate on a couple of places where he might be and they are indeed good places that most likely have good support. One LAC in Ohio seemed especially good with :disabilities."
You mention an “LD” and medication. If the medication is for ADHD those are two separate issues that impact functioning and usually require some extra support.
If he does go, as others have said, setting things up with the disabilities office is essential (and reduced course load is a reasonable accommodation, also single room if desired, extensions on papers, exams in a room by himself,with extra breaks, etc.) You documentation obviously, and I usually write a letter listing desired accommodations for a doctor to sign.
You should also consider tuition refund insurance. Well worth it.
Tutoring or coaching can be helpful. He might want to look into having extra time with an advisor or counselor, either through disabilities office or academic support.
My main concern, from your post, is that he has some challenges in terms of functioning academically, that he is reentering the US, and that he won’t see you for a year and a half and you will be in Asia.
Only you know how much support he gets from you now, in terms of school and social life. If you help him stay organized or on task at all, then of course replacing you with other supports on campus, or in the US, before he actually is on campus, is very important.
As you say, if it doesn’t work out, you can regroup, but it is important to protect his transcript (set the stage for medical withdrawal for instance, which wipes grades clean) and most importantly, his psyche.
I read once that 1/3 of students are ready academically for college, 1/3 are ready emotionally, and 1/3 are not ready, period. I cannot cite that and of course there is an overlap between groups but you get the idea.
If my playing devil’s advocate makes you feel more sure of the plan, then I am glad to help, so I will again say, I agree with your concerns and think they are valid.
ps Editing to add the thought that in my experience, college is training wheels, not the bike!! My three are all successfully on their own but during college various kinds of support were needed, in person, at a level that decreased over time At the first holiday break, a large number of kids seem to want to leave, but most of them do end up thriving. Still, parental presence helps some of them stay.
I would double-check that this includes the long Winter Break. Some colleges do not let students stay on campus during that break (and he is very fortunate if he has chosen one that does). Winter Break may be as long as 5 weeks, depending on the college’s schedule, and that would be an awfully long time to impose on a friend, so he needs good arrangements for that time period.
Also, I don’t think you can assume that “breaks” includes the summer. Colleges don’t generally think of that time period as a break. They think of it as a time between one academic year and the next.
In some ways he may be ahead of the curve on making his own decisions, being flexible with new situations, being independent. My daughter just called complaining the her boyfriend is so dependent on his parents. He lives outside of NYC, but is not a city kid. He lived his entire life in his township, went to the same elementary school, middle school, and high school as all the other kids in the township (as did most of their parents), has his parents do everything for him from airline reservations to filling out documents to even making his schedule at school. He’s a nice kid, but hardly independent. My kids went to 3 different high schools so we just don’t get it…His family goes on vacation to the same place, stays in the same house, the same week, every year.
OP’s son’s has had a lot of experiences many of his new peers haven’t. Some kids go to college and they haven’t even been out of that state yet. Some have never had to do laundry, never had to make a dentist appointment, have never dealt with a problem.
OP, I’m make sure your son understands his health insurance plan, his pay stub (for when he gets a job), how to do taxes and when to do them. OR, how to ask for help when he needs it. That is the thing I’ve drummed into my kids. ASK. Make sure you understand it when you do ask. Then ask again if you are still confused. Make sure he understands his bank account and the ATM card and if he’ll be charged a fee if he uses an out of network machine. Make sure he understands his college billing and when payments are due or if he’s to receive a refund of any FA or loan.
For some kids, a certain level of dependence on parents is very appropriate at the beginning of college, and the kids whose parents are there for them, at whatever level needed, usually thrive. I am thinking of the many kids I know through my three children, who are not past college age.
I have also seen firsthand, or heard about, the homesickness, loneliness, and academic dysfunction that sometimes happens in freshman year.
I still feel very concerned for your situation. Others who have posted with similar situations do not have a kid with learning issues/disabilities. I do. And others are not going a year and a half without seeing their son or daughter.
I won’t post again, and am obviously in a minority. Pushing independence prematurely can have troublesome consequences. It is the choice of your son, apparently, so I hope it works out!