When to pull financial plug on son? Doesn't care about his T50 college, he's just sort of...there.

Parent Cafe
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He didn’t just become this way. Again, giving a choice is not an option. It’s not a threat either. Lying is a coping mechanism. There is something going on deeper that an online forum can’t tell us.

Again, don’t give him a choice. That is not working. If you have to drag him by the ear to the learning center /counselor then do it. If you have to cut off his phone (don’t like this idea for safety reasons) or credit card etc then do it. At some point he will see your serious about this.

If I told my son that when he doesn’t have classes, There is an appointment with x and I am going to be there with him plus I am picking him up… I guarantee that he will come. BTW - I, not he pays for college.

I again know many would balk at this suggestion but sometimes kids /adults need real world defining moments. This is one.

I could be wrong but has your family with him had a serious sit-down with him and how to improve?

I spend a lot on college for two OOS kids. I told them prior to starting that I love them but I looked at this as an business investment /transaction. I showed them what $100,000-200,000 looks like and what kind of money I can make off this investment. Now they understand that this is someone’s “real” money. For my investment for their future they have to do somethings for me to fully fund it like any business. They have to work /play hard. They have to use all the free resources that $65,000/year gets you… Heh, I don’t like to pay for things to go unused. So… I want them to go to sports events, music events, art events. I want them to join clubs /activities since they are mostly free. I want them to use their professor /TA hours and peer to peer tutoring sessions. I want them to use the learning centers, writing centers, professional centers for internships. Have someone help in resume writing… Since it’s all free. I want them to go and use the mental health faciltites if needed. They don’t even need to tell me but if things aren’t going right and it’s becoming too much for them. I would rather they go talk to someone then commit suicide.

You get the point. They have “everything” at their disposal to become successful. I am not talking about getting all “A” s either. Just trying your best and making an effort to do well. College is very hard, to me it’s more about learning then the GPA.

I remind them every year (they are a junior and senior now), about the free health /mental services that the school has for free. I know they roll their eyes but they get the point also.

If someone is not successful in college with all these resources at their disposal. Then how are they going to be successful in life without these resources? This would be a huge red flag that would require me to go into dad parental mode, but like last year. Sure one bad semester, adjustment to college is tough for lots of people. But two in a row then there’s an issue.

You are the parent. Now it’s time to use your parental abilities.

You have the leverage not him regardless of age. No counseling /tutoring then no school payments. Again he’s not going to do this by himself BUT he will once he sees some success. Trust me on this notion!! ?

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It seems like the OP has decided the kid is beyond redemption. Not sure what else we can say. Pull the plug if that’s what you want to do. You’ve been given a lot of great advice but it seems as if you don’t want to take any of it.

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If all else fails maybe take a leave of absence next semester or pseudo gap year. Get him into counseling /tutoring. Give him a threshold to go back. But have this talk now and again it’s not a threat. It’s his new reality…

Maybe he’s taking too many credits per semester. Maybe he will need 5-6 years to graduate. Not everyone can do it in 4. That is why an evaluation is so crucial now.

One thing my son noticed about himself is that if he has too much time he will blow it off. But with working in college, starting a club and just being involved with campus life then there is some pressure to hit the books… Which is actually a positive for him. FYI.

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///This assumes he has the capacity and maturity to earn the bachelor’s - which he hasn’t yet displayed, has he? What’s more likely:

i) As courses get more challenging he still plows along at the low 2.-whatever GPA to graduate on time.

ii) Has a come to Jesus awakening and surges to the Dean’s list for consecutive semesters.

iii) Sinks lower, to the point of requiring extra semesters or is finally kicked out for low performance.////

OP, idk what you are looking for. Validation? Hope? reassurance? a place to vent rather than vent at home?

Plenty of students graduate and get degrees and jobs with C averages (mine included). Dean’s list is magical thinking. Extra semesters are the norm, not the exception, and getting kicked out of school is not the end of the world. Your son, if your descriptions are accurate, has nearly every hallmark of adult ADHD. No amount of shame or disapproval on your part will help him, if that is the case.

My best friends’s sons both died of heart attacks in their 20’s. My nephew died of leukemia three years ago. My co-teachers son, my pastor’s son, and my neighbors sons all died in car accidents in their 20’s. Two of my colleagues children died of suicide. Three of our work study students nearly died of opioid overdoses. Misery is not an Olympics, and OP is certainly in a difficult position but for heaven’s sake, while there is life, there’s hope. Those people would give anything to have the OP’s problem.

My last words on the subject : OP, you want to yank him from school, throw him out of the house, go right ahead. You want to keep him in school, and continue to belittle his life (because you won’t approve of his job,his apartment, his salary, his car, either, I think) that is also a choice. You want to rage against the unfairness of having banked all this effort for no return, I hear you. The thing you cannot do is have him change overnight into the person you think he ought to be, because that isn’t now, and never was, your choice.

Anger is not a plan.

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He sounds lost, and maybe depressed + discouraged.

If you are lucky enough to find a great, skilled therapist, and can afford it, I’d vote for that as the #1 priority.

Time & effort in therapy has the potential to pay off in spades for years to come & might help avoid wheel spinning for him & de-escalating the power struggle between kid & parents.

Not only potentially life-changing for him and the path he takes, but for the relationship you all have with each other.

Wishing you the very best. Therapy for everyone! Highly recommend.

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But didn’t your husband, through connections, get him a “better” job than the one he would have gotten himself, despite his 2.low GPA? Seems like that inadvertently taught him the wrong lesson – that doing minimum possible effort to avoid academic dismissal will be sufficient since his parents will do extra to push/pull him along into “better” results than otherwise.

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**if OP had shown today’s more moderate attitude before, she’d have ticked off fewer of us.

He’s a 1st sem soph. I’d say, “If your grades aren’t up by next June (whenever 2nd sem comes out,) we’re going to ask you to transfer locally, a school where you can focus…” etc.

That informs without dictating or anger. It’s an equation, not a putdown. It gives him a sense of his role without telling him he’s doomed.

Some of that current doom and gloom is overly dramatic anyway.

“More Bs than Cs and no Ds.” That’s clearer than stating a gpa target.

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Adding: I knew my D2 was taking classes well above her ability. Make sure he’s not in that trap. Once she settled into her true interests, everything changed.

Not perfection. Her college was tough. But a shift in motivation. The light bulb went on, she wanted to learn more.

The problem with knee jerk anger is the emotions and self justifying overpower taking a more informed look. It’s not tracking hours in the library or just laying blame, it’s trying to understand the situation.

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Seems like a more reasonable target is “stay on track to graduate in eight semesters, and do not get academic probation or dismissal”. Typically this means 2.0 or higher GPA, no F grades, and no D grades for courses that require at least C grades (typically in-major courses).

Note that some students improve over the years. A famous example is Martin Luther King Jr., who earned a 2.2 GPA in his first year of college, followed by 2.5, 2.7, 2.67 GPAs in later years, graduating in eight semesters with a 2.5 GPA overall. https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/sites/mlk/files/morehouse_years.pdf

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I have two kids who went to college at the same time (not twins). One was the perfect student, did her work, trudged along. She graduated and is employed at a nice job with corporate benefits and a Honey Baked Ham certificate on holidays.

The other started slow and gave me fits about her grades and if she could graduated and what to major in and if she would she lose her scholarship because of low grades. Her boyfriend wasn’t in college and she played online video games with him and his brother way too much. She did make the Dean’s list for consecutive semesters her final years. She found the upper division courses easier and more interesting and received mostly A’s in her last two years. She works on a ranch giving trail rides. She loves it. She makes just enough to pay her student loans. She’s never had a job for more than 6 months but people are very impressed with her resume - Girl Scout Camp counselor, Disney, Moe’s (fast food), the university rec center… She’s a good worker, but just moves on when she wants to. And she smells like a horse.

The one riding horses is much happier than the one in corporate life. She would be happy doing just about anything (not math) because she’s a happy person. Often unrealistic, but happy. She’d be doing the exact same thing if she’d graduated with a 2.0 or a 3.5.

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Who knows exactly what is going on with OP’s son, but my gut reaction isn’t ADHD, depression, etc. He just sounds really immature, which is not uncommon with 18/19 year olds. My guess is that he is having a ball, enjoying independence, drinking, smoking, indulging in gaming obsession, growing up a bit slower than a tuition-paying parental unit would approve. Academic achievement isn’t really on his radar–kid in the candy-shop syndrome is winning out. Like many “high achieving” students these days, they are coming off an over-programmed rat-race high school get-into-good-college marathon, and jeez, who could blame them for enjoying the opportunity to blow off steam and enjoy the opportunity to structure (or non-structure) their own daily life in the company of other bright, interesting kids?

Sure most kids at top colleges also have an academic or professional drive that overrides pure id, but I think there are quite a few who are enjoying the social experience more and only barely tolerate the academics that “interfere” with their free time. Anecdotally, seems more common in kids coming from highly controlling parents. (Bro flunked out of Dartmouth, sister narrowly avoided same at Hamilton. And thanks to a bunch of APs I made it through NU, but recently took a look at my transcript, and wow, a lot of W’s from classes where I just couldn’t bring myself to write those pesky papers. Sis is full professor, I’m a master teacher, bro retired public servant, all doing fine in long run).

With the full-pay price of college now, I can see OP’s frustration with “wasted” tuition and sympathize with desire for son to do the growing up first, then spending tuition $$ where it will count, but I don’t think I would pathologize son for being immature and undisciplined.

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MODERATOR’S NOTE:
I “requested” a few pages back that the snark needed to be dialed back. Apparently some users felt that compliance is optional and ignored. Additionally, the OP continues to not answers questions posed and the discussion just goes around in circles. Since there seems to be nothing else to add, I am closing the thread.