As, clearly, have all the others. The “threat” model is obviously not working. Time to find a new method.
It needs to stop being a threat. It needs to be laid out as options/paths. You can do x (same old, same old) or you can do y (and we’ll help you pinpoint resources and a time table). Here’s what will happen with both. The emotion needs to be removed from what ever plan is presented along with empty threats.
Of course, that assumes that he wants to change ( which is a big assumption). Good luck trying to change someone who doesn’t want to or see the need to change. It is quite possible that the son is perfectly happy with how things are, is having a great time, and is confident his parents will set him up with jobs or money in the end. He may be right.
Again…
- Please list your sons strengths. Those are what can be capitalized on. What are they?
- Is this an only child or are there older siblings who were more successful in college...or younger siblings who you also will need t to support through college.
I really hope you aren’t comparing this young man to any siblings, friends or other relatives. I hope.
Tough love doesn’t incude spews against the kid. Those who didn’t read the whole thread may have missed that.
Many say it’s time to draw the line. That he just has to feel it and it’ll happen IF ONLY he just gets in gear. As if it’s simply on him. But I’m not sure the kid has the skills. Not because of depression or LD (though they’re possibilities.) But because of the situation in hs, where the parents filled in the gaps. The successes were provided by them, tutors, et al. The summer job was arranged by them- and probably satisfied them more than him.
I don’t think you hang a kid out to dry and label him with some of the rotten things OP has said about her own child.
What else are they pushing? What else do these parents deserve in return for all the pushing and prodding in hs?
In addition:
- What are your expectations of him if you withdraw financial support for college or if he is academically dismissed?
What the parents deserve is irrelevant. The young man is acting in a manner contrary to his own long terms interests, which may be self defeating. It would be ideal if he recognized the need to change and could thus take advantage of some of the supports offered, such as tutors. Until then, same old
There are many, many degrees of separation between being a judgmental, negative, controlling parent and being a totally hands off parent. You present it like you had to choose one or the other. Surely you understand there’s a middle ground.
If he’s “visionless and unmotivated” maybe it’s because he’s never been given the time or space to develop those traits. There’s no easy solution here. You spent at least 4 years proving to your kid on a daily basis that he’s not capable of running his own life, and now you think you’re going to undo that in a semester or two? That’s unrealistic. The skills you want your son to exhibit take time to develop.
You really need to talk with him and do lots of listening. What is he studying? Is it a good fit? Is he on track to graduate from this school in 4 years? If not, is a 5th year affordable? If it isn’t, talk over options with him. Can he do a year at a state school then transfer back? Is a state school a better fit? Let him know, without anger or insulting descriptions of his personal traits, how much you can spend and get him thinking about ways to finish his degree.
And maybe try to find one positive thing to say about your kid every day. We’re 225 posts in and you still haven’t said one. single. positive. thing about your own son. I can think of words to describe that behavior, but candid and truthful aren’t among them.
If I’m remembering correctly, the parents have offered to pay for tutoring.
Tutoring is offered free of charge at just about every college in this country. It’s there already. The parents don’t need to pay for this.
It’s not as simple as tutoring or just getting him to go. It’s recognizing he’s got a motivation issue created at home. I think some compare his situation to their own kids and see them the same- “just do it.” But this is: after carrying you through, “We expect you to pick up where we left off.”
This thread is divided between what we told our kids and they responded to, the notion you can just set expectations and “our” kids would do what they can. And this kid, who, imo, was made dependent on all the parent “support” to keep him afloat, during hs.
And then, because college is expensive, people feel justified telling OP to go ahead and draw her line. Meanwhile, she doesn’t seem to like this kid, at all. On a public forum, OP says whatever awful things about him. She’s not even a tiger parent, I believe this is some weird psychological drama.
You don’t fix the problem by demanding better grades or blaming him, calling him words the rest of us would never use. A few of us here see the problem in mom’s perception and license to criticize, track him, desire to threaten.
That’s different than a relationship where we grew our kids, empowered them, and now have a sweet little convo about B grades.
Plus, I’ll say again-- a slightly over C average with two D grades means some classes were B or A grades. That’s so horrible?
An anonymous public forum may be the best place to vent emotions better left unsaid in real life.
On an anon forum, you are what you write. That’s alll we know about each other.
“you really want him to drop out? How does that improve things?” – this is what @greenbutton asked.
Others have asked it and I will too.
Do you really think having a 2.-whatever GPA is worse than not having a college degree at all?
Perhaps the goal of a degree can be obtained more cheaply and effectively than in the current out of state residential setting. Commuting to a local school, or community college classes may satisfy that bar.
This assumes he has the capacity and maturity to earn the bachelor’s - which he hasn’t yet displayed, has he? What’s more likely:
i) As courses get more challenging he still plows along at the low 2.-whatever GPA to graduate on time.
ii) Has a come to Jesus awakening and surges to the Dean’s list for consecutive semesters.
iii) Sinks lower, to the point of requiring extra semesters or is finally kicked out for low performance.
I think based on what we know thus far, most would lean towards on (iii). Most would say (ii) is unlikely “magical thinking”. And (i) may be possible, but wouldn’t exactly make us thrilled - I’d be worried about his ability to be self-sufficient after graduation. Who would hire him? I know my and my husband’s companies would have zero interest in such an applicant (and we don’t work at prestigious places). If in four years he’s begging us for money, underemployed with a worthless degree and repellent graduating GPA, will we wonder why we continued to waste a large sum of family money when confronted with the most obvious of red flags?
Again, if you withdraw financial support for college now, what do you expect him to do?
I don’t see any reason to rail on the OP for what was done in high school. Different kids develop executive function at different rates. Some kids need to wean off that support slower than others. I do wonder if this young man has had a neuropsych evaluation to be screened for learning differences? He obviously did enough to get into this school. The parents couldn’t take tests for him at school or an ACT/SAT. But if he would have just fallen and dropped out of high school, that wouldn’t have been a great situation either. There are a reason 18 is the age of adulthood. But not every brain is fully baked at that age and some have other challenges that make that transition more difficult. I actually think the mistake was driving the college admissions process. But more than one parent with a scattered young man holds their breath sending their kid off to college for the first time. But I do think the vast majority of the time they figure it out if they able with maybe a hiccup first semester.
And though tuition may not look higher for class retakes, if he retakes a class, isn’t that bumping another class he SHOULD be taking to a later semester? Or is he actually trying to take a heavier load with the retakes? I don’t see how this isn’t pushing out his graduation date? Has he successfully completed a retake of any class?
Honestly, I think if he passes everything this semester with degree requirements in mind, fine. If not, this school is not an academic fit for him. Time to step back. I’d offer him alternatives to complete his education close to home when he is ready. I’d make that offer require both a neuropsych eval (if you have not done that) and a psych eval and possibly trying educational or career counseling of some kind. I would also allow him to come home and work for a bit if he preferred, but I’d let him find his own job. It can’t feel good to need to retake classes. And maybe he masking by partying and focusing on social stuff.
If you are so frustrated and burnt out that these options don’t see acceptable to you, you should seek a therapist to work through your feelings and issues. You do sound very angry. I’m not as quick to jump on someone on the internet because tone and intention is hard to gauge in an online forum. But going from supporting a $$$$ education to cutting him off completely is a very large jump.
I think this money would be better spent by him being in an academic setting where he is likely to be successful with supports and by following up on career and mental counseling and screening for LDs. He is not learning well or taking advantage of the opportunities in the current setting and that to me would feel like tossing money in a toliet. There is no guarantee he will end up with a degree in a timely manner in the current setting given the state of things.
Yes, as I explained a few pages ago, this was detailed to him. He uses no resources at school. As I put it, he’s just…there. He also turned down private tutoring we have offered to pay for. He refuses to go, lies about seeing a tutor, or claims he doesn’t need one (then inevitably bombs the next midterm or final). Rinse, repeat.
So I’d like to pushback on all the comments that we’ve never allowed him to fail. We have and he just refuses to learn or appraise and modify behavior after falling on his face repeatedly. He does what he wants, when he wants. Our ideas mean nothing to him - he’s the man. I remain convinced he’s just interested in one and one thing only: the freedom and fun college provides. He has zero interest in or appreciation for what college is actually about. It’s frustrating and embarrassing because there are so many millions of ambitious young men who would kill for the golden opportunity he’s been given.
It would seem unlikely that you have much influence over his behavior at this point, so personally I would stop wasting the money after this year and offer a cheap local commuting option for further education if he wishes. You may need the money to support him well into the future.