When you and spouse disagree about music major

College Majors Music Major
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<p>Our son will be a senior this year. He's been a Suzuki kid since he was four and music is pretty much his whole life. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, my husband and I don't agree about his future. Our son is a very talented musician -- has attended highly selective music programs, studies with a teacher who is internationally known, etc. he wants to apply to conservatories.</p>

<p>But my husband (who's the first in his family to be born in the US) can't get past the fact that DS will likely not make much money and that his career prospects will be uncertain. At this point, he more or less refuses to help out with anything having to do with our son's music. I have paid for summer camps myself, driven thousands of miles myself to drop him off and pick him up, and will be making a very long commute to NYC this year so that he can continue studying with a well-regarded teacher. I am also paying for him to visit schools, for repairs to his instrument, etc.</p>

<p>Honestly, it feels like he is my child from some prior marriage or something, and as though our other children are 'ours' but he is only mine. DS is a difficult child. He has an Asperger's diagnosis and his social skills are poor. But my husband thinks it's reasonable to simply declare that he's not interested in music and therefore doesn't have to have a relationship with our child.</p>

<p>Wondering if anyone else has ever been in this kind of situation regarding a child's future decisions, and if/how they might have resolved it. Has anybody else here had parents who were divided about the utility/desirability of the music major?</p>

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<p>Momzie,
As a parent who dealt with special needs and who is now a parent advocate for parents who have children with special needs, I wonder how much of your husband’s struggle with your son has to do with his passion for music and how much is related to the Aspergers diagnosis and the fact that your son is different. Raising a child with a complicated diagnosis such as Aspergers can be scary and confusing. As a parent you know that your child is different and that no matter what they decide to do, they will likely face challenges that their neurotypical peers will not have to face. It might be easier for your husband to use your son’s interest in music as an excuse to turn away so he can avoid his feelings of discomfort and mourning relating to the Asperger DX. </p>

<p>There are many previous posts on these boards that address the career-money issue with music. And you can read those and talk to your husband about potential career paths for your son that will not result in him being simply another starving artist. But I suspect that, that alone will not get to the core of the problem. Does your son work with a therapist at all? Have your and your husband met with a clinician to talk about your son’s transition into the adult world? Is your son in public school? Does he have a formal transition plan (HE SHOULD!!!)? Coming up with reasonable expectations for your son in the coming years as well as a clear idea of how you are going to help him transition from being a dependent child to an independent adult is important. It is wonderful that your son has music and music is a world that is very accepting of those with differences. But your son will need more than just talent and musical ability to move forward with his career and in an ideal world both you and your husband would be looking at those aspects of his growth as a couple to see what you can do to support him.</p>

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<p>Like every talented high school musician, your son would benefit from really understanding what it means to have a career in music. He should speak with his teacher about his potential - would he aim towards becoming a soloist, a chamber musician, an orchestral player, a freelancer, a teacher…? If his social skills are poor, would that hold him back from his goal? What is he willing to do to make a living until his career takes off? Once he has thought about these issues and come up with some answers, he should talk to his dad about his passion and desire to study music and how he sees himself as a professional musician. And if he does not want to think about these issues and come up with any answers, he should consider his dad’s perspective.</p>

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<p>My daughter’s accompanist has this situation. Her husband routinely calls musicians “losers” and similar names, and does whatever he can to discourage the business of music. Not surprisingly, their daughters, who are both quite talented in music, will not be going into music professsionally. The accompanist has signed up one daughter for several camps and taken that daughter to them by herself. She hired me a few times to record her daughter and help submit the applications. She and her husband are now getting divorced.</p>

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<p>I agree with StacJip that this sounds like the music thing is an excuse for other feelings your husband has about your child’s diagnosis. </p>

<p>This whole situation sounds horrible. Would your husband agree to couples counseling to talk about it?</p>

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<p>PM’ing you</p>

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<p>I think you’ve got to go with your gut. If music is your sons passion, and you want to support him, do so. In the end, the decision is really up to your son anyway.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the support. Yes, his teachers think he has what it takes to get into a top-notch conservatory and I want to support him to make that happen. At this point, I’ve got a full time job plus a couple of consulting gigs and am mostly working to support his lessons, etc.<br>
We’ve never had much luck with counseling – my husband seems to be very good at manipulating therapists and turning on the charm when it suits him. but you all have given me a lot to think about – I’d always assumed that his objections to the music were the main issue, but maybe they’re not. I guess I thought he had made his piece with the fact that DS will never be a soccer star/football player, etc. but I guess that college application time can sort of bring all those issues to the surface again, can’t it? </p>

<p>I was just mostly curious if other families had conflicts less related to 'should he apply to College A or B?" and more related to "I just can’t get over my disappointment that he will never be a doctor or engineer or whatever . … "</p>

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<p>Here’s a story for your husband: a friend of one of my daughters went into music, piano. Her parents were always supportive of what she did, as long as she got very good grades and worked hard. She focused on accompaniment. Her parents took her or sent her to some competition in London where this young women was working long hours accompanying for some large competition. After that experience, she decided music wasn’t for her. She starts medical school in a few weeks. There are many stories like this.</p>

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<p>Momzie, you are really stepping up to the plate for your son. Please continue to do so. If your son doesn’t follow his dream, he will never forget it and will hold it against his father forever. I think the question your husband needs to answer is do you want our son to be unhappy with your choices or do you want our son to be happy with his choices.</p>

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<p>Thanks, geo. That’s how I look at it too.<br>
I also teach grad students so I know that people reinvent themselves all the time – at the age of 30 or 40 or 50. </p>

<p>I’ve proposed two backup plans that I think are solid: If by age 25 or whatever age, my son feels like he’s had enough of being poor and the music career is not taking off, then he can get an online master’s degree in something practical (like technical writing) and get a “real job”. Alternately, our state university has a one year program where you can take all the prereqs for pre-med and then he can apply to med school, or law school, or whatever. I firmly do not believe that whatever you do at 18 has forever shut all the door to ever doing anything else.</p>

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<p>I didn’t open the right door until I was 47 years old.</p>

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<p>As a group, music students have the highest acceptance rate at medical school, or so I read a few years ago (66%). (Sorry, I cannot provide the citation.)</p>

<p>Momzie, you said " people reinvent themselves all the time – at the age of 30 or 40 or 50." Would you extend that to 60?!</p>

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<p>Momzie, best wishes to some peace and unity in your family.</p>

<p>This comment could be WAAAAAYYYYYY left field, so take it with a grain of salt. Is it possible that part of your h’s apparent “hostility” is more connected to YOUR attention given to son? Is it possible that he feels your influence on him is somehow precluding his (son’s) development or capacity for male bonding? Something worth exploring. Your h wouldn’t be the first guy ever to have deep seated feelings generated over the volume/proportion of attention and support given to a child. I think some guys are worried that this kind of nurturing will smother a kid or make em soft. And if your H is the pragmatic type, who had to fend for himself, that really can set up a condition of resentment. Eg. the boy in him resents the boy that is your son for the comparative ease of life/emotional support. People can be great folks and still harbor semi or unconscious residual feelings like this – it would be perfectly normal. But if any of this were the case, your h would need to stretch himself a little to “see” that what he sees is through a “lense” of sorts that is distorted, and when he just deals with the "facts " before him, everything looks different.</p>

<p>Fact: Your son has a perceived and externally validated talent that sets him apart from other people.</p>

<p>Fact: There is virtually NO undergraduate level degree that carries with it any particular promise of employment, except possibly engineering and CS.</p>

<p>Fact: Since there is no particular advantage to any particular undergraduate degree and since your son has a perceived and externally validated talent, it is reasonable to expect he would be happiest and most successful studying the discipline of his talent ;)</p>

<p>If the possible motives of your h described here resonate with you at all, is it possible to have your son be more active in working on his dad re: his desire to study music? Let him take the lead?</p>

<p>Or has he done so already?</p>

<p>At any rate, there are many additional considerations for an education plan for neuroatypical students. Some of those considerations include whether or not the student has sufficient capacity for executive function to self-manage if far away from home, for example. </p>

<p>Best wishes in your journey.</p>

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<p>Just want to lend my support. I have two children. One of my children is a straight A student and musician, and the other has special needs with a dual diagnosis of Aspergers and Schizophrenia. I know that many kids with Aspergers have special talents and passions. I would give anything if mine did. If your son has a passion and he has the ability to pursue it, you are blessed. I would support him in any way you can.</p>

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<p>You may want to follow the career of, or reach out to, the family of jazz pianist Matt Savage.</p>

<p>“Matt was a precocious infant who walked early and learned to read by age 18 months. He was diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder, a form of autism, at age three. Matt did not like any noises or music during his early childhood.”</p>

<p>[Matt</a> Savage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Savage]Matt”>Matt Savage - Wikipedia)</p>

<p>Although the autism spectrum is large and I am no expert on that, his family’s experience may be of some help to you. </p>

<p>You can find links to his personal website there. In his bio, he talks about an interest in teaching and mentoring. And his record label is owned by his mom and her contact info is there. I wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to them to discuss your student’s challenges and future.</p>

<p>Matt has had a very successful student career as a jazz pianist, studying at Berklee, traveling the world. He has graduated. I am not sure about his plans to go to grad school or not. No doubt the transition from prodigy to college music student to successful professional being able to pay the bills is full of risks. Not every child, with or without a disability, successfully develops a mature music career, even after having been labeled a prodigy. It would seem to me that the issues your husband expresses are the ones that Matt’s family are actively working through now.</p>

<p>I have met Matt Savage. He is friendly. I have no doubt that the opportunity to be part of a music community where his skills are respected and celebrated has been of great help to his development. I mean really, who wouldn’t benefit from a round of applause every once in awhile?</p>

<p>I think your husband should share the joy that your child has found a passion. It really doesn’t get any better than that. Seeing your child work hard at something. I think so many kids without disability go through the motions in high school with no real motivation. The unstructured environment of college, when they face having to make decisions for themselves, can end with the party culture seeming like a refuge, with disastrous results. And so many star students are suffering through all the AP classes that offer no real career diagnostics to chase a dream of success based on an elusive college admission to an elite school. Your student has a big advantage on many of them already in the admissions process, and beyond.</p>

<p>If your student continues to develop, the possibility of college scholarships are very real. The economics of that may change your husband’s view. I certainly had no idea about music scholarships when my D started out. I thought you had to play football or basketball.</p>

<p>I hesitate to add this. But feel I must mention this elephant in the room.</p>

<p>It is possible that your role as manager of your music student’s career can develop into a family issue in an of itself. Although the fun and excitement of seeing your child develop musically can seem to you as an unassailable good thing, your husband may see your investment of time and energy and money as competition for your attention to him and your investment in the marriage. And the issue of your student’s career prospects may be part genuine concern and part simply a smoke screen to these other issues. I have seen it contribute to a divorce in another family. Not saying who is right. Just saying it can be an unfortunate by-product. Irreconcilable differences of one form or another.</p>

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<p>Yes, I’m well aware of my own investment/overinvestment in this issue. The fact that I nearly went to conservatory myself and was the driving force for Suzuki violin for all our kids at the age of three clearly has NO relationship to these issues. . . And all of the conversations taking place in our extended family (music was supposed to be the hook to get into good academic schools. It was never actually supposed to be the goal) sound awfully familiar, since they took place in my home as well. I’m aware of all that. But thanks for helping me to recognize that. I guess in some ways I’m like the guy who never got the athletic scholarship who now wants to blow the whole budget on his kid’s football dream. Thanks for helping me see that.</p>

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<p>Some years ago Peabody posted this very helpful article on the value of a music degree. Not sure it will help convince your husband, but he should also keep in mind that being successful, as you son is with his music, is also very important. Just enrolling in a non-music program in college does not guarantee success or a career, especially if the program does not interest your son.
[Why</a> Music? | Peabody Conservatory](<a href=“http://www.peabody.jhu.edu/conservatory/admissions/tips/whymusic.html]Why”>http://www.peabody.jhu.edu/conservatory/admissions/tips/whymusic.html)</p>

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<p>What does your son want to do? He’s old enough to have a say.</p>

<p>If he wants to do music, and has a talent for it, and has the issues that Aspergers kids have, does anyone really think he will be successful in some office job he hates?</p>

<p>I agree with the other posters. Your husband’s issues go far beyond the music dilemma. Please consider family therapy ASAP. I fear for the future of your son’s relationship with his father without it. I wish you all the best.</p>

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<p>Wow - just read this today. Hope CC allows the link.</p>

<p>[Let</a> the Kid Study Music, Already! | LinkedIn](<a href=“http://■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■/today/post/article/20130728144536-52594-let-the-kid-study-music-already]Let”>Let the Kid Study Music, Already!)</p>