Normal.
“there is such a strong societal message that getting into an Ivy equals HUGE SUCCESS that it’s hard not to feel a little envious when someone else that you know gets accepted.”
Yes, just not sure I’d say “envious,” as much as “tired” and not up for all the swooning that usually comes. At this point, you’ve got other fish to fry, your own D to tend to, her results to wait for. Natural.
I’ve talked about a friend’s D that I have TMI on, since our girls were friends. Nice kid, appropriately driven, top performer, but not really so friendly, except when it suits her. Frankly, had a lot of legacy pull into that Ivy (a lot.) She deserved it when she got the very rare offer from a tippy top company, but hey, her salary was seriously mind blowing. Now I learned she’s left that and is at an Ivy med. Dang. But she’ll probably make a great doctor.
This is a normal thought of every mother. Normally we’ll not show our feelings outside, but you’ve shown it. That’s the only difference. I used to had such feelings when my daughter was applying for a school. I had an inner thought that my kid should get the best school than others.I was not jealous with others, but I thought that my kid should get the first preference. It is just human nature. You don’t have to worry about it.
I think one of my first threads on CC was about feeling envious, so I completely understand.
A little bit of it reared its ugly head last night when the same person referenced in the first thread talked about how her daughter didn’t know what to do for a major, had a lot of options open and so they’d been busy touring a bunch of colleges already. I mean, I did ask a general “how is junior year treating you” kind of question but I can’t remember how it got to her answer. And even though our daughters are not in any competition at all, they even go to different schools and want different things but merely share an extracurricular, it still made me feel a little … unsatisfied with how things are going for us. And perhaps I thought it was a little braggy, since the same question was not asked of me as a courtesy.
I finally have realized that I am very sensitive to all things college admission. That’s just going to be the way it is until I send in that deposit and we are all happy and at peace with the next stage. And that’s why I’m glad I can come to CC to pour my heart out and gnash my teeth a little bit
D and I were doing fine until a few days ago, when some decisions came out. A good friend’s son was rejected from his first choice lottery school. At first, I felt legitimately very sad for them, since no one had been more dedicated to their child’s education than they were. But when I began to consider how this kid is so much more academically advanced than my D, I started panicking about D’s results. Next I started performing a post mortem on his rejection–speculating on the mistakes they may have made and assuring myself that we didn’t make the same ones and therefore deserved to be more fortunate. It was ugly and I chastised myself. I think we’re all just stressed and anxious, so feelings run amok.
Totally normal but your introspection is not. Cheers to you for delving into why you feel something and you will be a better person for it. College admittance is a very stressful time and emotions often boil over.
OP- hugs. Challenging time to maintain your usual good cheer/gracious demeanor.
Let me give you a little perspective- these feelings will come roaring back, because college is just the beginning. There is “elite company internship” season. There is “Fulbright/Marshall/Rhodes fellowship” season. There is the kid getting into Yale Law School while yours is contemplating a year of working as a nanny and volunteering at a yoga studio. There is someone you’ve known her entire life who gets a clerkship for Ruth Bader Ginsburg while yours finally got promoted to Assistant Teacher at the daycare center where she’s worked for four years- which is great until she tells you that now that she’s management she no longer gets overtime, so her actual salary is likely minimum wage.
You are wise to recognize your feelings now so you can come to terms with the fact that life is not a race. Kids want different things out of life; kids get different things out of life. It’s not a zero sum game (someone else’s success doesn’t come at your expense) even though it sometimes feels like it is.
Every now and again the universe throws someone in your path who “has it all” and yet is totally miserable. Recently, the person in my life who I consider to have the perfect life on every possible dimension (plus naturally thin- isn’t that cruel- you have everything in life PLUS an insane metabolism?) revealed some pretty horrifying stuff about home life, nasty divorce ensued, etc. So I’m heartbroken for my friend- but it did make me realize that the perfect career and a gorgeous home and great hair and eating whatever you want and never gaining an ounce and incredible kids and tons of money… comes at a price. A price I would not be willing to pay. (except for the hair and being thin).
Your kid will launch this year. But you will experience these feelings over and over again for the next ten years as the rest of the process kicks in. You will sit at commencement so proud of your child… and watch the same 6 kids get called up again and again for Summa cum Laude and fellowships and departmental honors and all that jazz. Remind yourself that your pride in your kid is unconditional- and that will help you get through the brief and evanescent moments where your cage gets rattled.
I agree with everyone else that this is totally normal. And yet, when you are a good person, it feels terrible to have these “not good person” feelings.
I was very lucky to have a very wise friend tell me the following (almost 20 years ago) - “Whenever you are feeling envious of someone else’s [insert object/promotion/lifestyle etc here] - remember you would have to take EVERYTHING in that person’s life to have the one or two things you covet. And then honestly look at just what you know of that person’s life…would you want to deal with what you know about it?”
Ever since, I’ve practiced this exercise when feeling jealous or envious. The big, new house that a friend bought does come with her jerk spouse whose salary makes the purchase possible. The family who takes thrice yearly vacations of amazing-ness also have a permanently disabled child. The child who seems to effortlessly excel both academically, athletically and socially would mean I would be in the car and running around even more than we do now. The friend whose spouse is wonderful/wealthy, children beautiful and brilliant, and is also personally humble? She also volunteers everywhere and while I admire her greatly - I know I would’t want to be up by 4:30am most mornings going for a 5 mile run (no matter the weather) before getting over to the church to do good works.
This exercise has been so helpful to me and now takes so little time to perform that it is rare for me to really experience envy or jealousy for more than a moment. But it did take a lot of practice when I first started. 8->
Hope this helps, even if just a little bit. Remember, this too shall pass.
first-hugs. We are all stressed out right now and it’s making us do and feel weird things.
second,
I don’t know if what you’re feeling really could be called jealousy, since you don’t want what she has for yourself?
Maybe it’s just stress looking for a convenient outlet to get mad at, and this is a pretty harmless thing to vent all the stressful thoughts and feelings that are swimming around inside many of us right now.
I have a friend who is a psychologist- she says that feelings of envy and jealousy are signs of something you feel is missing in your life… so you should look at it as a clue to something you want more of in your life and take steps to bring that into your life … and when you do those negative feelings will disappear.
You said you are happy for another girl who was accepted into an ivy, so its probably not prestige you are craving…
but maybe something like @gardenstategal felt … say the feelings of family happiness or their unity?.. our maybe since you described this student and their family in such glowing terms with regards to social and leadership ability… maybe you feel you wished you encouraged more leadership and social ability in your child or in yourself??
I would think about what it is that you see in this jealousy that you might feel is missing in your life and or family and try to bring that element in to your life more…
Don’t beat yourself up. On son’s university family page someone posted . . . “DC with a perfect 4.0 - great first semester!” I was thinking “give me a break”. Then I got mad at myself. Stuff happens.
Four kids from my D’s high school class got into a certain top 20 school. All amazing kids. 3 are currently attending. One is not. The one who is not attending is my D, because we cannot afford it. She is, instead, at an ordinary OOS public flagship that offered her a very generous merit package.
There are days when it eats at me, and other days when I laugh and shrug it off as ridiculous.
Sometimes I think our thoughts are poised to constantly pick on us and sometimes those thoughts amount to torture. Why? I have no idea. It’s just how the brain works, I guess. It’s normal.
Recognizing these are only thoughts, naming them, and waving them away like an annoying mosquito helps me.
I also remind myself “Swim in your own lane”. Repeat 1000x if necessary.
I find myself envious A LOT, since it looks like my ill son won’t even get a college degree. For me, it’s “What the heck? This isn’t what was supposed to happen!” So I understand your feelings. I just try to turn it around and look at the many blessings in my life.
It helps me to realize that other people probably look at my family and have the same thoughts. My kids aren’t ivy material, probably won’t cure cancer, and aren’t the all-star athletes but they get good grades, work hard and are people I enjoy being around. We’ve had our fair share of detours but I’m sure not everyone is aware of them.
It’s also why I try to go out of my way to tell a parent when I feel their kid has done something they should be proud of. We all like to be told someone noticed our kid did well.
Perhaps it is that in my work I help people whose kids have at times done homework by candlelight, or aren’t sure where they’ll sleep that night that I can’t get too worked up over someone else’s accomplished kid getting into a great school.My D’s path was her path and her friends and peers had theirs. As has been mentioned above, it’s rare to know the full story of why someone is where they are or where they’re going, so no, this hasn’t been my experience.
I got some sleep and I woke up feeling somewhat better. Still conflicted, but better. My D came out of school feeling very sad for the two students who got deferred by the same Ivy. Their stats are pretty far above the accepted student and they are every bit as deserving. It just goes to show that holistic admissions is a real thing. However hard my day was I know theirs was a whole lot harder–the commotion of congrats from seemingly EVERYBODY, and having to sit through it, I feel for these kids even as I also feel the kid who got in deserves the congratulations.
A lot of you have said things that are enormously helpful, not only to me in this thread, but to me in life!! I thank you for that. A few shout outs:
@blossom, your post about the next ten years both gave me huge perspective and made me laugh! Internship envy, significant other envy, job envy, all these things I need to put into perspective!! It really makes one realize how crazy our culture can be. I think of myself as a pretty grounded person but the reminder that my pride in my kid is unconditional is so timely in many ways (and applicable with all of my kids). I have to back up and look at the big picture.
@beebee3 Your friend’s advice hits home too! I am going to take it and also to pass it forward to my own friends and family. It’s really profound.
@runswimyoga I think you’re right about me. This child’s exuberance, energy, and love for life is something I greatly admire and would like to cultivate in myself and inspire in my own kids. Nail on head.
@Midwest67 “Swim in your own lane. Repeat…” So true.
Lol @Akqj10 I wonder what my face looked like when my S told me my alma mater was his safety. His dad’s school was the “if I get hit by a car and have to move home to be close to good doctors” school.
Blossom is so right. I really didn’t realize that it all doesn’t end with the college acceptances. Have a kid that didn’t finish college? Hard to explain that to friends as well as the moms you haven’t seen for a while and meet at a party or volunteer event. The most difficult are the parents who continually pat themselves on the back as great parents because their kid chose the direct route to success and are judgmental about the parenting skills of those whose kids are meandering. OTOH, you may also meet parents whose kids have fallen completely off track and into trouble. I don’t really get jealous, but it would certainly be easier to say my kid is at Harvard law, than that my kid is taking time off from school and working as a bartender. That look of pity/wow my kid would never do that, is often quite clear.
Mom- at least bartenders are likely to earn a living wage. What about the kids who are pursuing their music, or working with the chronic homeless, or something else where in addition to the eye-rolling you get from other people, you’ve got your own “she graduated with a 3.9, why isn’t she sitting in an office drinking lattes and getting a company paid 401K contribution?”
This thread really speaks to me…and shows the power of the smart and gentle and thoughtful and (sometimes) blunt folks here…it helps. I was just talking with our neighbor on the way to the train…his amazing (she is REALLY amazing) just got into Columbia this week…and as happy as I was, i felt this little twinge…
I think all talk of college acceptances should be banned at school (impractical I know), faculty should be educated on how to respond appropriately (without assuming the kid is going to the expensive Ivy), and posting on Facebook etc. with too much enthusiasm is just not classy or considerate.
Ivies are just schools- and many classes are lectures with grad teaching assistants. If your daughter is waiting for news from Waterville then Colby is just as prestigious among those who know about colleges, and the experience may be more personal, with small classes led by professors.
It sounds like the young person who was admitted to an Ivy is proof that stats aren’t the thing, “character” is important, and who knows what other unknown factors.
I would examine my perceptions about Ivy League schools, and the definition of success, to try to address those feelings. Sure they will go away but they probably mean something - and you are clearly a nice person so that’s not it.
Then I got mad at myself. Stuff happens.