I am always happy for the kids, who deserve it. But I am boiling if I think that the game was not fair. One exception - children with disabilities - I am always happy if they succeed.
Nice of you californiaaa…many resent kids with accommodations who then do well : )
One of mine was out for three months in early senior year due to health, and she got a note from teachers each day with homework. Another parent complained that this was an advantage that others didn’t have!! I mean she WASN’T IN SCHOOL so how could she be at an advantage? Apparently she wanted her son to be number 1 in the class.
I am still friendly to this parent years later. I feel sorry for her. Her son has done well and I am glad of it.
The world is not fair californiaaa and if we really think about it, most of us posting here on CC have pretty good lives and came out on the positive side of the fairness game . Some exceptions of course, but the fact that we have easy internet access and have kids that are even planning on going to college (even if not all are on the straight path), means we are way ahead of so many. Many of us have decent homes, jobs and access to health care for which I feel very lucky and grateful.
Not sure what all of you think, but the older I get the more I believe that while really bad parenting can mess kids up severely, good parenting is no guarantee of successful kids (esp if that is measured in career terms) and mediocre parenting can result in kids that are stunning success stories.
The one nice thing about getting older, is being able to ignore the eye rolls and the fishing for compliments from others. I am genuinely happy for all my friends’ kidss successes, as long as the parents are not bragging and taking credit for how well their children are doing.
@MaineLonghorn : I think you wrote the book on looking at the blessings in life. OP, check out the thread on MaineLonghorn’s son. It may put a lot of things in perspective.
I think this thread is great - and I salute @redpoodles for being brave enough to put the topic out there. Because it does make you feel like a bad person when it happens, and that makes it hard to talk about with people in “the real world”. I think one of my favorite threads on cc was the “say it here” thread. So good to be able express, and then hopefully let go of the negativity.
3 years ago my D and one of her closest friends were both applying to a group of very competitive programs. In the end, their results were similar - several acceptances, and several rejections. But, as fortune would have it- the other party got positive results earlier than we did, particularly at an EA program which turned out to be a rejection for D. I will never forget seeing the post on FB, which is how my D realized that good news was not coming her way. (The way this school did it- you got contacted if accepted, snail mail if denied). I called the mom, a very good friend, and said that I wished the kid had given my D a heads up rather than letting her find out on FB. Mom accused me of not supporting her kid’s success… and I have to say, in hindsight, she had a point. While I really was pleased for the other kid (who ended up attending that EA school) my kid’s hurt - (it was her 1st rejection) trumped everything else. And it wasn’t even her top school, she only did the EA b/c it was an option. (She was ready before deadline, so why not) Not my proudest moment
My niece and her best friend had very similar stats and a similar list of schools. The BF always seemed to be a notch ahead of my niece and this drove my sister crazy. Still does. They were receiving acceptances and waitlists at the same time, but BF did a little better. Anyway, they both ended up at the same school, were roommates, went on semester abroad at the same time (different countries, but visited each other). BF is at law school and after a year my niece ended up in the same city and they remain best of friends.
Still drives my sister nuts and you can almost feel the jealousy in the air. It never bothers my niece.
Fortunately I never had those emotions. Hopefully your feelings will change once your child is happy and settled with a college choice. Perhaps it can be attributed more to stress than anything else at this point?
This struck a chord with me as I’ve had some surprising feelings hearing results from ED at my D’s school. After thinking about it - a lot - I realize that hearing about other kids getting into Harvard, etc. is making me question whether I, as a parent, have made the best decisions regarding my kids and their future. We didn’t hire a private consultant or SAT tutor, or pay the $200/hour for five hours with the best essay consultant around. My kid took art and theatre classes instead of more AP classes. So I find myself thinking that maybe I could be the proud parent bragging about Harvard (which my kid had NO interest in) if only…
In the end, I know that it’s about raising children who are happy and independent and won’t end up living in my basement for years and that we’re on the right path for that.
Great thread! I think the feelings are normal and there is nothing bad about them as long as you don’t show any resentment publicly.
There are people here with kids that have no interest in attending IVYs I’m sure they are happy for the families that post excitedly and proudly about getting into one of them,
But in your own backyard? … that’s different My son has been a top academic in his class since crayons. He wants to be a musician. He won’t be applying to HYPS and the like, but some of his classmates will get into those colleges. How can we not think “it could have been him” Human nature.
thanks for posting @redpoodles this is an interesting thread. @mom2and your comments really hit me. it IS tough to watch my somewhat struggling college kid when well meaning moms start the discussion…“Jimmy’s on the deans list, again, and how is YOUR major going?”. that’s the worst, but even when my student is not there they want to query me on the subject. seriously? my Grinch side wants to say “If only you had some interest or employment for yourself we could talk about instead of re hashing your children’s amazing success each time we meet.” but i don’t say that. not out loud.
Grownups never finish growing up. We all have work to do. Recognizing that you aren’t living up to your aspirations in some area gives you the opportunity to try to improve in that area.
@mom2and and @blossom I was going to add if no one else did already, but you beat me to it: what about the parents whose kids just never launch? Ours may still launch but things have been touch and go for a long time, and it may never happen. We are still at: will this child ever embrace life? Like, actually enjoy it ever? I would be so overjoyed if child became a bartender: Oh boy! Child is a bartender! That’s a great career!
It’s hard being the parent who, as you said, gets the swivel looks and the wide eyes and the questions from (coaches, strangers, therapists, teachers, etc): what did you do to child? You know the : well, you never know what the homelife is like, look. Or as one coach said when I went to pick up child: Boy someone really did a number on this kid.
You learn to just absorb all of those judgements as best as you can. And keep plugging away.
It’s very very hard.
And there’s something to the school of thought that being grown up is overrated and if taken too seriously, will turn one into a complete dullard.
The above can also be problematic for a few “adults” whose genuine childhood career aspirations are anachronistic or unrealistic…such as being a 16th century pirate plundering the 7 seas, Starfleet Red shirt, or a Star Wars Rebel Alliance fighter pilot. 
Dusty- big karmic hug to you.
There is a nice man in my town who works at Fedex-- customer service counter. Lovely guy. Friendly, goes the extra mile. He grew up here. He has one sibling who is famous; the other isn’t famous, just successful professionally. His mom passed away recently but she was such an incredible example of someone who found a path so that she could legitimately be proud of all three of her kids, even though most people wanted to either talk about the famous sibling or the rich (and generous) sibling.
You just never know. The man had “issues” growing up-- I didn’t live here at the time so I don’t know much beyond that. But I used to run into the mother from time to time and it never failed to impress me how much backbone it took to parent all three of those kids.
I bet you are that mom in your own town. Keep on trucking- you are inspiring.
“I was going to add if no one else did already, but you beat me to it: what about the parents whose kids just never launch? Ours may still launch but things have been touch and go for a long time, and it may never happen.”
I have a very tough time with the parents who believe their parenting is the source of their kids’ success. Especially if there’s only one or two kids involved.
I have three kids which keeps me humble. On almost every dimension (tall/short, smart/dumb, successful/train wreck, athletic/klutz), I have a low, a medium, and a high. And I was the same parent to all of them. I try not to claim credit for their successes in the hope that I won’t be blamed for their failings.
Re: not claiming credit for their successes, not taking blame for failings. Get out of my head! I use a line very similar to that one!
An old friend of mine likes to say, “Are you kidding me?! If I would’ve stopped after having kid #1, I’d be out there writing parenting books and be on a lecture tour. But noooooo, I went ahead and had kid #2.” Makes me laugh everytime. She does an excellent job of unconditional support and love for two very different kids.
Great quote @Midwest67. I think there does need to be a lot less criticism, or at least less feeling of criticism of parents and parenting. Most parents do not get up in the morning and think “I really want to do a crappy job with my kids today.” Most are doing the best THEY know how. And these are the best kids they have, they aren’t keeping the good set of kids in a cabinet at home.
Even when we recognize that lots of things besides parenting determine who our kids will be, I think that for many of us, the kind who are here on CC trying to get information on how to help our kids make wise educational (and life) choices, college decisions can feel like a referendum on that aspect of our parenting. It’s easy at this point to wish there were things we’d done differently, whether it was choosing a more elite sports team, imposing more structure on studying, getting test prep, etc.
And part of the reason it’s easy to second-guess is that few decisions are made in a vacuum – that sports team had a travel schedule that conflicted with other family obligations, the parent best able to impose structure was the one who got home late and didn’t want the bulk of the interaction to be around homework, the kid was exhausted and stressed and seemed to need “space” more than test prep in that moment, spouses didn’t agree on priorities and there was compromise for marital harmony.
It’s easy to forget, or remember and resent, why we made decisions we did, and as @northernmom61 points out, we did our best for the kids we have. Are there things we might do differently if we were to do it again? Probably. But then other things, some good, would likely be different too. To learn and grow is great, to simply regret is self-destructive.
I wish I could "like " posts # 55 and 56 multiple times. Thanks midwest67 and nothernmom1.
There are plenty of people who accomplished fairly little with Ivy Degree (professionally speaking) and there are plenty of people who became CEOs without having an Ivy League pedigree, particularly when it comes to technical degrees. If kids are happy (and healthy) they will reach their full potential. Happiness of our kids should come first.