whining and feeling guilty

Parents Forum
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<p>missmbb - I could have written that exact post. “I feel like I must have done something wrong to have him wind up here and I am feeling very guilty.” that is it exactly!<br>
We too consulted the GC. She thought we had a great list. Nice matches. Thought the 1st choice might be a little reach but ED would be a pretty sure thing. That’s what pushed us over the edge on #1 to go ED. So we were surprised at the deferral and hugely disappointed at the rejection.</p>

<p>Then the waitlist just floored him.</p>

<p>To add insult to injury he has (uninformed friends and family) that kept urging him to apply to higher ranked, more selective schools. “with your scores you can go anywhere” He kept his head and applied to what he felt were good matches only to be hugely disappointed.</p>

<p>momof2kids - thank you for sharing your story. It does help. It is good to be able to get a little glimpse into the future. In a more rational state I do know that he will be happy, just working on getting past the sting now.</p>

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<p>skier–</p>

<p>You did NOT fail your son. At all.</p>

<p>Go over to the financial Aid board, where the kids who recieved the lousy GC advice of “don’t worry about price, just apply to the best schools and the money will appear,” and had parents who didn’t know any better, are desperately trying to figure out how they are going to even go to college next year.</p>

<p>You did a great job.</p>

<p>The echo boom generation is bigger than the baby boomers and they are ALL applying to college. It’s a different era, and I am happy you advised your son so well.</p>

<p>This is the age when they face their disappointments and we can’t fix the sadness, but they get over it. We did, in our disappointments and they will with theirs. Still hard to watch.</p>

<p>The main thing is that he knows you are not disappointed in HIM, and that you are proud of HIM. Nothing else to be done. Whining here is exactly the right place for it.</p>

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<p>

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<p>At the collge my S attended, that meant that Admissions could “go” with anyone on the list. </p>

<p>A girl I know got into the LAC my S attended off the waitlist by supplementing her application with both a math award and a video of her dance ablities. She made direct contact and indicated her interest, told them (truthfully) that she had 10 days before she had to start making nonrefundable deposits at another school and said that she would be able to come visit and accept promptly if offered admission.</p>

<p>The college gave her an admission offer with an extremely short response time, but she and her parents got it all done and she accepted and attended off the waitlist.</p>

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<p>the main thing, though, as I sense aid matters, is do they offer finaid to waitlist kids?</p>

<p>I mean, can you make that “will attend absolutely” promise? </p>

<p>If you can? Go for it. All the colleges want the full pay kids, right now, when they are qualified.</p>

<p>YMMV</p>

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<p>thanks dad07 (and for your wonderful PM post)
so that means it makes sense to update waitlist school and “court” them with “pick me, pick me”? vs just meaning they choose randonly.</p>

<p>Does anyone know for certain whether Lehigh gives aid to waitlisted kids? I will call them but it’s after hours now. </p>

<p>One of the biggest positives of schools 1 and 2 is they allow outside scholarships to be used fully…a big deal for us since S2 is eligible for a good sized corporate.</p>

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<p>skier, when a waitlist is said to be not ranked nor in priority order, I believe that means they will do a lottery if spots open. Your son WAS qualified for that school; unfortunately, there were just too many other applicants who also were qualified. </p>

<p>Hugs to you. I agree with others here who say visit the options with enthusiasm, decide whether to accept the waitlist (when do they tell you for sure?), have your son choose, and then CELEBRATE.</p>

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<p>OP, did you do everything with love and the desire to get the best for your son? Did you do your very best with all the information available at the time? If you answer both question with "yes’, then, you did not fail your son. </p>

<p>It is what it is. At this time, your focus should be on what is manageable - trying to get an yes from WL, and/or negotiate for a better FA package. </p>

<p>Yes, you could most definitely talk any school to up their FA package. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

<p>PS, almost to the exact date 4 years ago. I was in your shoes - blaming myself for failing and our D would have to settle. </p>

<p>Fast forwarding to today, she is getting ready to gradute in June. Looking back, there is not any other school that could fit her better.</p>

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<p>“skier, when a waitlist is said to be not ranked nor in priority order, I believe that means they will do a lottery if spots open.”</p>

<p>No, I think that means if they find they are without an oboe player, they’ll take the oboe player; offensive guard the same. And if they overspent the financial aid budget, then the full-pays.</p>

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<p>Congratulations on your son’s acceptances. Yes, I know they are not the exact ones he wanted, but he has some nice schools there. My son goes to one of them, I believe. And my BIL graduated from another–the same one my best friend’s DD was rejected from ED a few years ago. And so it goes…</p>

<p>It does feel bad when we don’t get what we wanted especially when it seemed very much in reach. It’s been another rough year in admissions. I was surprised at a number of results, and yes, I think your son should have been an easy In at his schools. Not sure what is happening here, but I am beginning to suspect that a lot of need blindness schools are taking a peek and the need aware ones are making themselves more than a little aware. Some discrepancies that are sharper than what I remember from years past.</p>

<p>But he has some nice choices, so I am glad. Again, congratulaions to him, and I’ll bet he’ll do well wherever he goes.</p>

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<p>I often wonder if by “no priority”, they mean, “we reserve the right to pick the full pay kids off the list first…”</p>

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<p>This post sounds really familiar. I wish there were more stories like this on CC, i.e., everything worked out okay, but still a nagging feeling of loss and missed opportunity. I certainly identify.</p>

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<p>Many schools, even those that are need blind, meet full need, do not extend this policy to the wait list. So yes, most of the time, waitlist status favors full pays. However, I do know some kids who have been accepted from the WL and got their needs met.</p>

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<p>I always figured if my kids didn’t get any rejection letters they didn’t aim high enough. </p>

<p>As to the OP, it’s why parents who have been there, done that keep saying the most important thing is to find safeties you like. It’s nice to have two so you don’t feel like you have no choices in April. But it’s much easier said than done.</p>

<p>When a waitlist doesn’t have a priority order that means they’ll wait to see the demographics of the accepted students. So a missing trumpet player might look better than an oboist, or if they are short of boys, they may have an advantage when they go to the waitlist. No doubt sometimes it may mean a few more full pay kids too.</p>

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<p>I’m sure this is especially difficult because your S had great numbers, and there were probably a lot of people who said “he’ll get in anywhere”. Now he has to relay that he did not, in fact, get in to some places. I’m sure he will find a place that suits him - if there is any way to arrange overnight on campus stays at the schools he will be choosing from, that helped my S a lot in finalizing a decision between 3 schools. </p>

<p>Whatever you have to spend to do that is worth it in helping you sleep at night!</p>

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<p>“Many schools, even those that are need blind, meet full need, do not extend this policy to the wait list. So yes, most of the time, waitlist status favors full pays.”</p>

<p>While I think this is often true, I also think the implication is unkind. The financial aid budget for every school, even the most generous and “need-blind” (doesn’t exist) is set before any admissions are offered. The admissions office targets spending the budget - they gain nothing from spending less. Sometimes it will happen that many of the high-need candidates might have multiple competing offers, and hence will not attend any particular school, leaving money on the table to be spent on other wait-listed applicants. The opposite might be true as well, with more high-need candidates choosing to attend than expected, so that of necessity, those accepted off the waiting list will be “full-pay”. There is rarely a plot to reduce the percentage of students attending who receive aid (usually, an admissions office receives kudos from attracting well-qualified high-need students to attend).</p>

<p>And there are some schools that use the waiting list heavily to manage yield, some who use the waiting list as a “courtesy rejection”, and some which hope never to have to go to the waiting list at all.</p>

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<p>Sooooooooooooo, after reading this thread and looking at back posts to sleuth out the schools I am hear to tell you the BOY DID GOOD!!</p>

<p>Seriously.</p>

<p>Having had 5 kiddos go through all this craziness along with now all the grad school “stuff” I have the perspective of the other side.</p>

<p>I honestly would be excited about the ones he did get into vs the ones he didn’t. Yes, they are building a class, yes they all want fit, yes they could build several classes BUT maybe, just maybe the ad coms knew what they were doing.</p>

<p>It wasn’t that he wasn’t qualified, maybe over-qualified stats-wise, but maybe they saw something that would not make him a great fit for that specific school.</p>

<p>However the ones where he was accepted might have also seen something where he would definitely be bringing something to their campus, to their community and where he would thrive.</p>

<p>I would be jumping up and down for most if not all the choices he has. If I have figured it right the one with the merit but loans for the need based aid has a fantastic med school that DS’s good friend from undergrad (ivy) is at and she LOVES it. The other choice with doable aid is also very exciting, was oldest daughter’s top choice years ago but ended up at state school on her way to vet school.</p>

<p>Its all a matter of perspective. The financial aid forum is full of accept/denies. Accepted but cannot attend since the money isn’t there, nasty gaps.</p>

<p>Soooooooo exciting, HE IS GOING TO COLLEGE. It is a whole new adventure! New places, new friends, he gets to choose his classes, new ECs…YES, you have permission to go crazy and it will be infectious…</p>

<p>I would go out for a celebratory dinner, pour over all the info packets, dive into course catalogs, maybe make a trip or two and talk it up.</p>

<p>Have fun, these 4 years will fly by. Ask any of those parents with college students graduating in a few months. Cherish this time, for it will be one of the few last times he will be looking for your leadership and guidance. He will see your strength and will know how proud you are of him. And tell him. Again and again. And when he buys the sweatshirt, run over and get a mom one for yourself. And the matching cute socks. </p>

<p>Put it on, wear it til it falls apart and let him be embarrased. He really isn’t.</p>

<p>Enjoy, have fun and remember this will not happen again.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>Although a somewhat unpopular opinion on CC, I think wait-lists do favor full pay kids… and for good reason and is why they are unranked. Think of it this way… when it comes to financial aid, how many times do CC posters recommend a parent or student go back to a school where admitted to ask them to match offers or try to do better with their aid? That’s where the school’s financial aid wiggle room is built in. A lot of times, this works. I am not saying that the oboe player isn’t getting in off the wait-list, but logically speaking, a college is more likely to take the oboe player who has very little financial need over the one that needs a lot. But if they’ve actually admitted little johnny, his inability to accept does affect their actual yield and so if they can be helpful, they have more incentive. </p>

<p>Also, they usually make phone calls to wait-list kids with, as has been pointed out, very little turn around time given to make a decision. So… if a student needs to be hugely considerate of the financial piece, a parent will be hard pressed to make the quick decision. With full pays, it’s going to be a lot easier (and quicker) response.</p>

<p>Lastly, let’s not hate on the full pay students. Obviously if they are wait-listed, they are just as qualified as any other wait-list candidate. And if their parents scrimped and saved for college just so they could be in this position, is it really any different than the kid whose parents blew all their money on oboe lessons who are now in need of financial aid? (obviously there are kids with high need for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with the above, but we were talking about oboe players so I went with it) :)</p>

<p>This said… I LOVED the cheese-cake analogy and agree whole heartedly!! Made me laugh and gain perspective all at the same time! You did well… it’s simply a crazy process with little rhyme or reason, especially at elite schools with very low acceptance rates. It is, without a doubt, a crapshoot when it comes to this level. And for those who didn’t take as much care as you, other posters are right - they are going crazy wondering why they didn’t consider the financial side with as much care and diligence as you have. Be very proud of both your efforts for they will pay off hugely and happiness will be found.</p>

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<p>Katwkittens - where’s the love button… I loved your post.</p>

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<p>I didn’t mean to be cryptic :slight_smile: I am also aware that my very bright boy has been accepted at some schools many people would love to get into. Didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Its the everything is relative thing ,and for him some very fine schools fall in the safety category.</p>

<p>I believe the final choice will be between Franklin & Marshall (#4) now 1st choice, vs
SUNY Stony Brook (#5 -financial safety) which he hasn’t seen but wants him enough to give him a scholarship and University Scholars program.</p>

<p>I will be calling Lehigh (#2) tomorrow to get solid info on how the waitlist works and how/if they do FA for waitlist. S2 is well aware that if they don’t do aid it is off the list. Otherwise I think he will accept a place on the waitlist and see what happens.</p>

<p>CWRU (#3)and his other safety (6) I believe have fallen off the list. He would choose F&M and their package even if CWRU upped theirs.</p>

<p>We have decided to yell “Boo! Hiss!” at Colgate (#1) Clearly they did not deserve a boy of his intelligence and character - great school though it may be.</p>

<p>Mystery solved but I am impressed at people’s research skills! :)</p>

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<p>modadunn - I agree and I do understand the Fin Aid and waitlist thought and neither hate the full pays nor blame the university. </p>

<p>I am ever so thankful to all the cc posters who contribute their thoughts and knowledge. The waitlist aspect is new and I might not have thought to ask about aid availability up front. thanks!</p>