Our housing costs were much higher than 25% or even 33% of household income, once we bought a place. This was even after we paid 60% of the cost of the house as a down payment. Sadly incomes in our state just don’t keep up with crazy housing prices.
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Our daughter is 15 and doesn’t have a job. Decisions, decisions…
Our D, age 32 has a chronic condition and has NEVER held a full time job and may never. 
Yes, it does make life more challenging to all of us.
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100% agree on safety being so important. Same issue to me in regards to a car. I would never let my kids buy some clunker because that’s all they could afford, or substandard car insurance for the same reason. The repercussions because I’m trying to teach them a lesson are not worth it.
One of my daughters wants to tutor or possibly continue her internship part-time in the fall or a different one. I don’t lower what I give them if they make money on the side. I don’t want them to feel penalized for working as that then doesn’t give them any incentive to ever want to work. My only issue with some $ from this summer going to the apartment next year is that they are both living in apartments way more expensive than they needed to be. As it turns out though I went with @momofboiler1 method and looked at the room and board I would be paying if they lived in the dorm this year and divided it out by 10 months (I don’t count the summer months that we are stuck with either way) and that gives a lot of breathing room. I think with my working daughter I may instead pitch it to her differently. She wants to study abroad in Australia so now that may be something we have to look at for the fall of senior year if it open fully up. She also will have an internship spring of that year where she is making 4-6k/month and during that time she can pay her housing if she is living elsewhere, although I think she wants to do that here in Chicago so she may make a killing and live at home (if she were smart she would live here and save all of that lol).
@silpat lol those dark ages don’t seem so long ago for me. I like that way of thinking and that’s a good reference point for me. I didn’t have to support my 18 year old when he decided to skip college and got lucky. But I wouldn’t be surprised if I need to help my others out and will.
@coolguy40 At 15, there aren’t a lot of jobs she can have. Day camp counselor CIT, babysitter, grocery store maybe, things like that. By us babysitters make big bucks. $15 and up.
Very same position here. We paid for college for or S with the understanding that he manage all money from internships and assume all financial responsibilities upon graduation with his first job.
Happy to say that we just attended his Stanford graduation two days ago and I’m currently writing this post from his new apartment in the SF Bay Area ( think expensive). He has paid for everything from his internship money and signing bonus - furnishings, new car (was going to rely on a good public transportation system but COVID caused a rethink), everything.
Before we leave, however, I will let him know that he can rely on his family should he really need help.
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My daughter since she was no longer living in my house, has only lived in nice, safe, clean places. This included paying for the better dorms and now paying for nice apartments. She is frugal, and living someplace nice is her only splurge. In Boston, where she lives, the formula is that you pay about 30% of your salary for rent.
We all have our thing. I learned along the way that I like nice hotel bathrooms lol and nice purses. I could care less about fancy clothes or shoes. I wouldn’t mind driving a nicer car, but also don’t need to be driving a nicer car. Maybe some of that is also the fact that having 4 kids I have always driven a mini van then thankfully went to a large SUV now basically am driving a small SUV which was bought for the kids while I bide my time waiting to buy a car when I’m really ready to get what I want. When the big SUV was finally driven into the ground it was my husband I told to take the new car because I still wasn’t ready so that’s why I started driving the extra kid car and just haven’t stopped. One day I’ll make up my mind.
As for the kids…I think my girls vice are both clothes but fortunately they just buy a lot of cheap stuff and I mean a lot. Oh and Lulu. But they’re realizing too they’d rather have a lot of stuff rather than expensive stuff. But, one of mine also suddenly said for her 21st bday she wants a purse and showed me a 1200 purse. Yikes. Maybe they are getting my habit which was not like that as far as purses and not at that age!
@Rivet2000 It’s fantastic when kids know they can always rely on family. I have read way too many posts in various FB groups I’m in where parents often think they’re done being parents for some reason, the minute the kid turns 18. I have never understood it. I’ll be 53 next week and I’m still my parent’s kid. Sometimes they still treat me as such - for example, my mom called me today asking if I ordered food for Father’s Day yet and if I haven’t, then I better before it’s too late! Like I’m 16 and not responsible enough to know I need to get the food ordered, lol. Or better, like we’re having 100 people! No, only 12 of us. Too funny. But that’s ok. I know they’re there if I ever need them, and there are times in my life that we have definitely needed them.
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This is something to think about a little bit down the road. See many moons ago I graduated college and moved 800 miles away from my parents. I married my college sweetheart 15 months after graduation and we have stayed 800 miles from my parents. For the first 6 years we would always come for one of the big holidays to visit my family. Then we started having kids. I did not want to travel for Thanksgiving or Xmas with babies so we would visit more in the Summer when we could. Then as the kids got older life got more hectic and getting away was tougher and money was more tight.
The thing was my parents had the time and money but didn’t like to travel. Sadly we would not see them some years. What I am saying is down the road the grandparents need to be flexible and probably do the traveling to see kids and grandparents. Or help with the funds to travel. 4 plane tickets are always more expensive than 2. I wish I would have seen more of my Dad before he passed, but roads run both ways. And now my mom won’t really travel. She came for double graduation 2 years ago, but even before covid she didn’t come out. I am convinced old people don’t like to leave their homes.
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It’s too bad may old folk don’t like to leave their homes. Not only is it cheaper to buy grandparent airline tickets… also retired folk have more free time, don’t have to worry about burning vacation.
“We all have our thing” - So true. For me it is most definitely not pricey purses or designer clothing, so my husband has no clue that many wives splurge on those things. One thing we do agree on is the safety value of good tires. When my mother sold her old car cheap to daughter, the tires were fairly new (first set succumbed to dry rot after more than 10 years in the sun). But they were cheapo tires, only appropriate to fair weather driving. So we bought the kid a new pair of high end all weather tires. And then I had the driver door lock fixed.
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For people who say “It is too bad older people do not like to leave their homes or travel,” they should try to travel with them. I travel with my mom to visit my siblings and when we go on family vacations because I live by my mom. It is a chore to get my mom through the security check, make sure she has food and drinks at the airport, and walk her through long passages at the airport. My siblings do not appreciate the effort, but it is hard on me and on my mother. I just couldn’t imagine my mother doing it on her own. Everything is digitalized and computerized, and it is very intimidating to elderlies. God forbid if a plane is delayed or cancelled, they would have no idea what to do.
My brother lived in Asia when their kids were young. They came to visit my parents every xmas and for summer vacation. My parents also visited whenever they could.
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Totally agree.The reality is that travel gets more difficult as we age We lived hours away from family and did much more travel to them than they did to us. All grandparents were in their 60’s by the time our children were born. We wanted our kids to have close relationships with family, so we made long driving trips to make that happen. And once our kids got old enough to fly as unaccompanied minors, my family bought them tickets for special time with them.
Some of it is probably generational too. Many grandparents these days are seeing more mobility of their children and are adapting to having to make more visits from their end .
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It depends upon the person. Sometimes when we travel places we’re the young pups and we don’t go on cruises or with tour groups. Many retired people travel a lot only slowing down when it’s absolutely necessary. My mom traveled up until her cancer didn’t let her anymore, about 2 months from the end.
I love this post and agree 100%. Especially the part about roads running both ways. My mil doesn’t even call. We are supposed to call her.
One of my (too numerous) sayings to ds is, “You’re never useless if you can serve as a bad example.” I truly want to be flexible as I age. I want to be available to ds, however, he might need us, and I do NOT want to be stubborn and set in my ways. This is how my in-laws were (and how mother-in-law is now). Only time will tell if I achieve these goals.
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Agree. So much depends also on age and general health. My mother was still game to travel some until she got into her eighties. Her last major trip was at 80. And at 81, after good health, she developed one medical problem after another. MIL also still tried to travel some until her early 80’s. What one can do at one age may not translate to what you can do as you become much older. And most people , particularly those that live well into their mid to late 80’s or 90’s, need substantial help to make long travel happen. Of course, there are always exceptions and they and their families are very fortunate.
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We finally stopped traveling with my folks after dad was 90 and mom 85. It was way too hard on them physically and they got confused and disoriented in different surroundings. It was exhausting for us to keep them as safe as possible while traveling.
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I’m so used to low to mid priced housing locations that it’s hard to imagine how people manage in that situation. I wonder how many people can ever come up with such a high down payment. Kudos to you for doing it.
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Actually, H sold two other investments to be able to get a big down payment. It was the only way we would ever have been able to own a place in a neighborhood we both liked.
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There are those of us for whom travel has become difficult due to various medical problems. I don’t want to be one of the stereotypical old folks who complains about health issues nonstop. At some point though, I will have to be more direct with my kids about the challenges I face. Because the health issues are not visible they are quickly forgotten, and some I prefer not to dwell on.
I recall one of my brothers getting irritated with our grandmother because she couldn’t do all the things he thought she should be able to do. He said she just needed to make more of an effort, and could if she wanted to. Now he’s in his 70s and has needed multiple surgeries on his back and knees, among other parts. Suddenly he’s annoyed that people aren’t more understanding and compassionate. It’s been tough to not remind him. Not everyone remains in great health until they pass peacefully in their sleep at 98.
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Ever since I have had to travel with supplemental oxygen in 2008, it’s taken more planning and been less spontaneous. I’m fortunate that H and I are in pretty good health otherwise but we plan more and think more before committing.
H isn’t all that interested in traveling the world any more. I would like to go to New Zealand and Japan, plus a return trip to Europe and more time in Canada. We will see how things work out. S and his GF enjoy travel and have done a lot of international and national travel, just the two of them and sometimes with others (not me, H or D).
Last year, my husband and I took his parents east to visit our kids. The in laws are 85 and 84. My husband has had neck fusion surgery a couple of years ago and while he can be comfortable at home, traveling and “visiting” can be exhausting and painful.
It was a difficult trip, we drove 500 miles to my son’s, then 300 to my daughter’s and then 800 home. The in laws were so exhausted afterwards, my husband was also. But we saw the kids!
My daughter started a new job and thought that we would do the trip to her home over Christmas. And she wanted my mom to come also. I finally told her that her father and I could come but that it’s too hard for 3 mid 80 year old people to navigate coming to her major east coast city.
4 years ago, my mom flew to my city and we drove her, us and my in laws 500 miles to my son’s house. In a Subaru Outback! I’m sure my daughter was thinking that we should drive the 800 miles to her house. 500 miles in the middle seat of a Subaru was a long trip! And 4 years is a long time when you are in your 80’s.
I just can’t. I think my daughter is upset but wait until she has a baby and might understand.
I get that the kids have jobs and limited vacation time. But they also need to understand that we have our own situations.
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