What’s up with people like this? My MIL is also like this. My parents thankfully are not, nor are my former inlaws. I don’t get it. If my parents want something or want to talk to me, or my kids, they just pick up the phone and call. My parents unfortunately are not adept at texting, but their other grandma texts with them all the time. My kids (all but one) are also good at calling my parents on their own without prodding all the time. As for my MIL, ugh. I had Mother’s Day brunch here, my husband didn’t even want to invite her, but I told him better to invite her and have her say no than do nothing - afterall she is his mother. So he did and on Thursday prior she said she wasn’t coming since she wasn’t feeling well. I laughed and said “it’s Thursday, she knows now she isn’t feeling well for Sunday? Okay then!” This is her MO. Maybe she doesn’t realize how obvious and dumb it sounds. He also I realized learned this from her. When he doesn’t want to go somewhere he says “tell them I am sick”. Anyway, about a week later she told him she didn’t come because “the lady of the house didn’t invite her”. Give me a break. I stopped dealing with her ages ago because I got sick of her constant insults and passive aggressive behavior and she’s not my mother, she’s his. But reminded him that had I invited her, she would’ve gotten mad at him later and said since she’s his mother he should’ve called. He agreed. With this lady, you can’t win. When he was married to his first wife and he would bring her to their house, if their kids weren’t sitting there downstairs waiting for her arrival she was annoyed. I can’t tell you how many times she has mentioned this. She didn’t think it was right that his wife would call up to the kids to come down. As if she should be waited on hand and foot. She never calls him, never asks him how he is, and he can’t even get a word in with her. This has always been the case, but has gotten significantly worse over the last 3 years.
As for traveling @oldfort absolutely right. My mother loves traveling and would do it if she could. We were scheduled on a family cruise in Dec 2019, and the month before she was dx with stage 4 lung cancer. She really wanted to go, but was about to start treatment and the Dr said she shouldn’t skip it. My father wasn’t thrilled about traveling and isn’t anymore because he is now essentially blind so everything is a challenge for them. He basically gets a wheelchair at the airport when he does travel, which makes things super easy, and now she also gets one. But the last time they traveled was just before her Dx for a family function and we got stuck in LA due to weather and I was left with dealing with the two of them both in wheelchairs and it was late at night going from one terminal to another as we switched airlines to get home and we were all so overtired. My son and husband were able to get on a different flight earlier, my other kids got flights back to their colleges and they were shorthanded with wheelchair attendants so there I was also pushing a wheelchair. I did learn the perks of it, but still it’s so challenging. And for older people who like things a certain way, like my father, it because very inconvenient to fly. I think he would be happy never traveling again, yet my mom who is still hanging in, would travel in a second. I’m sad that covid happened soon after that trip (my brother and I still went) because my mom really wanted to go and then we wanted to take her somewhere later as the Dr said ok, but not sure now if she is up to it, or really if my dad would handle being alone, lol.
I wish my parents could go visit my kids at their respective happy places (college for some and SF where my oldest works) but I just don’t think that’s going to happen and graduations will be too hard for them. My grandma used to travel with us all the time when she was living even into her 90’s. It’s hard to see my parents like this when they’re only 83 and 80. My father is pretty healthy, just stubborn and the vision is an issue, unwilling to work with a mobility person. So, it is what it is.
The traveling when you are far away is so hard! I spent the last two years of my parents’ lives flying down to seem them, alternating months with my brother so one of us was there once/month. We were fortunate to be able to afford to do that and that I wasn’t working at the time. My father was always resentful that we moved around so much for my H’s job and didn’t “settle down” near them. Just wasn’t possible for my H’s career.
We have an only child who is on the same career path as her dad. We hopefully have a ways to go before we need to worry about caregiving but we’ve already said to each other that we won’t be stubborn about hiring help and moving to an assisted living when the time comes. It took a heavy emotional toll on me and it wasn’t necessary as my parents had the funds to have a live in caregiver at least for a decade or more.
Traveling with frail elders is fraught with challenges. A careful balance has to be struck between desires and abilities if all involved, especially the toll travel will take on all involved.
Sadly, this year I have told my sibs we won’t be taking mom to the theater nor opera anymore more (we have been doing it for many years). It’s too hard to get her seated and rush to the bathroom at intermission. She’s wobbly and a definite trip and fall risk. She often can’t hear or understand much of what’s on stage anyway. The risks outweigh the benefits at this point.
"“the lady of the house didn’t invite her”. - Sigh.
I generally wait for my father to call me. That way there is a good chance (though not a guarantee) that he will be wearing his hearing aids. Also it means it is a time when he is bored, in want of conversation … usually after his wife has gone to bed early.
We took our kids a lot when they were young. Now that they are older, they like to take their own trips and so do we. As for going with grandkids, I don’t know. We cant afford to pay for ourselves, our kids, and the grandkids though…
My in-laws liked to travel until they were around 80 even though they both had mobility issues and would need wheelchairs at the airport. They also paid for their children and grandchildren to join them on a few wonderful trips so that everyone would come and be together. On the other hand, they would not travel to see us at our home except on very rare occasions and expected us to drive there all the time. We were able to host Thanksgiving once and they came once to our first home and once to our second just to see the house and have lunch. Other than that, we always had to go there. (Only about 50 miles away but sometimes a pain with children.) I know when they were older it was hard to come over, but they were only about 50 and in good shape when the pattern of of insisting on us coming to them began. They also tended to wait for us to call them and felt annoyed if they did not get regular calls from their children. My mother will call me and not wait to be called; it’s pretty even. But she resents the fact that her husband’s children do not call him often enough and I always wonder why he doesn’t just call them. As @Colorado_mom points out, that way he’d be ready with his hearing aids in! They will come to us for some holidays and then we travel to them for other things–they usually pay our travel expenses even though I am over 60! but they have a lot of money and want to do it. I really appreciate though that we can have some holidays here and some there and have it be a two-way street.
I grew up always going to grandparent’s houses for holidays - Thanksgiving to my mom’s side (3 hrs away in NY) and Christmas to my dad’s side (in FL!). They’re some of my best memories of my youth.
We brought our kids up doing the same all the way into their college years (when they could join us) and up to parental death. They loved it and looked forward to it each year too.
I hope they continue our family line tradition, but I guess time will tell. I’d be willing to go to their places if necessary.
We had a fun morning with our grown kids yesterday (one local-ish, one not). One of them paid for our botonic garden tickets (order ahead on cellphone), and we paid for coffee break and lunch stops. It worked out nicely.
My kids are all hardworking and we are happy to pay when we travel or dine out. What I don’t do is pull out my wallet whenever anyone wants a snack. If we all aren’t eating I like them to pay. For example if someone wants an ice cream or a coffee. It is nice if they do offer on occasion to pick up a meal even if we decline.
My problem is one of my kids is very stubborn and insists on paying her own way. Sometimes I insist on paying and other times I offer and if she declines I let it go.
Just wanted to pop back in and say that I (dh can’t go) will be traveling to visit my ds across country in a couple of weeks. This thread has given me much to think about, and I am going to be much more generous with pulling out the wallet and not keeping score. I’m not sure why I was being so petty. Perhaps because of my recent mil’s visit, and the fact that we paid for nearly every meal out. She bought my dh lunch one day when just the two of them were out and about. Her pettiness sort of made me more aware of my own. I don’t want to be like that. I’m not going to insist on paying for everything, and if ds offers to buy me a meal or pay for the entrance to a museum or something, I will graciously accept. However, I’m not going to expect that to happen.
I know we are doing brunch with a high school friend (and her local friend) who will also be in town at the same time, and I’ve already determined to let the waitstaff person know discreetly and ahead of time to bring the check to me. I’m budgeting a good chunk for meals out while there, and I plan to do lots of treating.
@Creekland and others who want to discuss - I think the traveling for holidays topic would make a great thread.
We pay for everything when we are with our kids. This included literally grabbing the cart at the grocery on a recent visit and taking it through the checkout lane myself. We also buy them many “ treats” throughout the year. Things we knew they’d like but don’t buy for themselves. They are both very hard working. We don’t want their money. It would just feel odd to us to have them pay.
We gave my D one of my CCards (no one ever asks for id. She used it to buy groceries for the year she was staying at our place. We always pick up the tab when we are with our kids. If our S picks up food, he never wants to be reimbursed and never makes a big deal.
We pick up the tab for all meals and ground transportation when we travel together. Often the kids arrange their own flights. S often offers his sister points or miles to book her flights, or we do. We also offer both of them e-certs (if we have any and cash fares are good). S is often able to get amazing travel deals.
To me, it makes sense for us to pay, since we have much more disposable income than the kids and we plan to leave what we don’t spend in our lifetimes to them anyway.
If the kids had more disposable income than we do, or we were worried about outliving our assets, we’d have to recalculate all of this.
My 97 yo mother (and my father when he was alive) periodically bailed out my brother when his credit card bills maxed out and when my sisters were younger, they subsidized both in terms of rent in NY (and maybe elsewhere) and with at least one, shopping for clothes while they were single. Per The Millionaire Next Door, they were not teaching them to leave within their means. Both sisters have adjusted fine over time but my brother, who has some kind of undiagnosed cognitive disability, never has fully taken responsibility for his finances.
Both our kids are, at the moment, successfully paying for their lives in San Francisco and saving. Both have SOs who are well-paid. Without her BF, ShawD might have to alter living arrangements, but ShawSon would probably figure out a way to make it work for her. So, we are paying for dinners and particularly nice birthday presents. We will continue our plan to take them on an exotic trip each year, but the real constraint will be their availability.
But we are not subsidizing either one. We would step in temporarily if either needed help in transitioning to a sustainable arrangement, but we would really try to ensure that they transition to a situation that enables them to both live and save.
Adding in to this topic as it pertains to travel….
When we created our estate plan, our Ds don’t fully inherit until age 35. While the money is in trust, we noted that money can be released for “family travel.” Let’s say they have a series of friends’ wedding and then a cousin’s wedding. They can take care of the friends’ weddings — and the trust will cover their expenses for the family wedding. Basically, we set it up so there is always money to see family.
This week we are attending a family reunion, and I’m told one niece isn’t coming because the plane tickets cost too much. (DC to Florida?) I don’t know why her father isn’t helping, but it’s not my business. If my long-distance D was able to come we would pay for her ticket.
For the one who flies, we pay for her plane ticket and accommodations to join us (depending on the destination). Same for the one who drives — we cover her gas. They both have one of our credit cards to use for these situations — or we transfer money to them, so they can get their travel points.
Sometimes the “treat” of paying isn’t a matter of how well off or not the kids are - or us!
D1 and her BF make good money. More than us when we were both working! But I still will give them a travel treat on occasion - a Starbucks card for them to enjoy on their trip. It gives me pleasure to give them a little perk and honestly, they seem to enjoy being spoiled a bit - you’re never too old or too rich for that?
S and DIL make less $ and have more financial obligations - they bought a home early in their marriage which eats up some income. I likewise enjoy perking them on a trip - even if I’m not going along! In fact they are leaving tomorrow on a beach trip with DIL’s family- I plan to give them a little cash and call it their “ice cream fund”. “Spoil yourselves and get the extra dip” - every night if you like! It’s a gift like any other gift and makes me happy to do it. If I sensed that they felt weird about it (they don’t) I would not do it.
That said, I would not be like my mom who often puts up nearly a public scene if we don’t let her pay! We pay often but sometimes they pay. That’s fine with us.
