A lot of my friends think that it’s better to let the children ask to pay for stuff on their own.
Yes, I understand. My original query wasn’t about heavy support/subsidizing. Thankfully, our ds has successfully launched and has been off our payroll for three years now. We provided him with a quality education, and he came out if college debt-free.
I’d really struggle with having to subsidize a capable kid except, as you says in a temporary or transitional situation.
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Can you clarify what you mean here, please?
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I really wish the edit function lasted longer than 15 minutes! Ack! 
Our S has achieved a high-confidence launch - debt free in a very high cost of living area in Silicon Valley. He’s on his own monetarily and doing amazing well (yep, BSCS and MSCS from Stanford). Watching him thrive is a parents dream. However, he’s still our son ( and first child) so if he’s with us on a family vacation the tab is on me. Also, we send occasional gifts. For 4th of July I sent him a few waygu ribeye steaks since that was kind of a tradition when he was home with us.
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I too don’t understand what you mean.
Same. DD moved to San Francisco few months ago. Same major as you son just from MIT and debit free. Same level of compensation and company perks. But when she is doing activities with us, it’s on our bill. I still send her Amazon fresh occasionally just to make sure she has food in her refrigerator since she WFH for now. Food will be provided by her company when they return to the office. And her flights home are on us as well. She is our youngest and it’s not difficult for us to do so. When she is home, we pay for everything she does here including personal maintenance which between hair, nails and waxing can be substantial.
In my best Homer Simpson voice: “free foood mmmmmmmm”
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I visited the kids near SF 2 weeks ago. They paid for everything we did there, museums and food. I offered to pay my share when the bills came in. Interesting, my son ended up majoring in ML, but I don’t think I had even heard about that field u til he was in grad school.
That’s very sweet, @bookworm! When we visit S, he loans us his metro passes and we leave them when we leave. We cook food we find in his fridge and/or buy groceries as well.
Before my kids graduated from college, I gave them monthly allowances. It was enough for them to go out, get gifts for family and friends, and for personal care. I didn’t want them to have to ask me for money every time they wanted to do something or gave them carte blanche to my CC. I also thought it was important for them to manage money and pay for their own stuff.
It’s not hard for me to pay for my kids when we go out now, but I want them to be responsible and take some pride in paying for their share and not take it for granted that I would pay.
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If we are talking in addition to going out and vacation kinds of things, I have told my kids I will pay for “health and safety” type things if they can’t afford them. I was guessing 1 needed new tires, and I said I’d be happy to pay for them and he could consider it a bday present if he’d like. (Didn’t take me up on it, but I tried).
I probably posted this earlier, but whenever we do a holiday or “event” (like birthdays), parents pay. But I’d be fine for them to take us our or pay for delivery or whatever on another day.
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deleted for privacy reasons
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I agree, I won’t want my kids have to decide whether they can afford medical care. We will always step up if there are any medical costs they need help with. Since both have chronic conditions, it’s great both gave excellent insurance coverage.
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We are taking S and FDIL on vacation and paying for the condo and the meals. It’s a luxury they couldn’t otherwise afford and I want to spend fun time with them. It’s an easy way to ‘gift’. My parents and my MIL did much the same. There’s no point to holding on to it all until you die, making the kids wait to have fun money when you’re not all there to enjoy it. Otherwise they are both self supporting.
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100% agree when it comes to medical care. When parents can afford to help a kid why wouldn’t they? It’s often not the fault when a child has a chronic medical condition or disease. My brother has MS. Not sure if they still do, but I know at one point my parents helped with his medications. They’re so expensive that his annual HSA contribution is depleted in one month. It’s not his fault he got MS. This also goes back to not keeping score from a kid (or parent perspective). If my parents have given my brother $200k (making up some random number) to help with his medical issues or something else, I don’t feel there should later be an offset as if he was charged the $200k as if this was dissipation in a divorce. I’m just grateful that since his diagnosis 16 years ago, he’s been able to get treatment and not worry about it.
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I haven’t been on cc in weeks! But this thread was top of mind while we spent almost two weeks with the kids checking our their new home.
We bought them a nice gas grill and a wheelbarrow for yard work as housewarming presents. And I paid for the whole party (her parents and brother were there, too) to attend an MLB game and remimbursed ds1 for the Lyfts. One night we paid for pizza, and another day we paid for brunch when it was just five of us. DIL or ds cooked a few times, and her parents paid for a couple of meals. It all worked out.
It’s fun having adult kids, isn’t it?
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My dad is paying for everything while I’m in town. I have my mom’s credit card and charge everything. But of course my sister and I have taken on a tremendous amount of work to help him clear out 48 years of stuff! I had to take off work and since I’m self employed I don’t get paid for it.
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So sorry about your mom. I would be very careful about continuing to use her credit card. I believe the credit card companies will be informed that she is gone.
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I do think the posts about travel with or by adult children still fit in this thread.
“Paying” can be either be with money or time.
When we were young, we spent nearly all our precious little vacation time, visiting family. I didn’t want that for my own children, so we decided when they were in their earning years, we would travel to see them, and allow them to use their few PTO days for their own benefit, not ours. It’s expensive and time consuming for us, but has worked ok. I do miss having them come “home” though.
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