Fun topic. And I have a very recent story about it.
My dad never let us pick up the bill, although there were not many of them since we don’t live close. But he has been living with my brother for the last 5 years and I go up and visit and Dad and I go to lunch while I am there. Dad is 92, I am 69 and still he pays. And I had a good job and a good husband and lots of $$, but he always always paid. BUT this time we (DH and I) had just sold our house in CA for $$$$ and I told him how much we got and said that I should pay for lunch. And he hesitated, but then finally let me pay. And giggled about having a “sugar mama”. So it is never too late to buy lunch.
Our D is still on our cell phone plan, but our S transitioned off when he moved into a house. Both have good jobs. It really IS all about expectations. We are happy to pay…generally. But one of D’s boyfriends (that later turned out to be a rat.) had joined us at a couple of meals and never offered to pay, even for his own. And he was actually pretty rich then having sold some invention. But he acted like a poor grad student, which bothered me. He didn’t even bring a bottle of wine or something when he stayed at our house. Oh well, he is gone now! DS’s girlfriend went camping with us and offered to pay and brought lots of food to share (camping was at a hard to get place and not just camping). That seems so much better.
@Singswimsew that’s odd, we share with 5 of us and I can see everyone’s order. I can generally guess who ordered what, too. At holidays I do all orders under an old account and do a free Prime trial so I can surprise the kids with stockings. Yes, I have not transitioned away from stockings, we tried, but everyone agreed it was the most fun thing.
Same kids are on my mobile plan, because it works out cheaper for all, but everyone is set up to auto-transfer their share, because I started them out with mobiles when minutes were a thing and my oldest was constantly going over her minutes and costing all sorts of extra careless charges ($1 for 411.) I had to make her pay her own way to get a clue about it & just never stopped.
You can archive orders so they are hidden from the regular view, but still there if you look under archives. However, that doesn’t stop the email notifications. There’s probably a setting somewhere to do that.
We do stockings too. And Santa Claus. As long as they are in my house for Xmas, Santa is coming.
Research indicates that I must have Amazon Household, not just garden variety Prime. Don’t remember choosing that and it costs the same. Well it was ages ago that I signed up for Prime.
You can share your prime account with different households and they will not see what you buy. They won’t have access to your credit cards. It’s a completely separate account. I’m on my phone and can’t link to the directions but if you google prime different users, it will show you how to do that.
BUT it’s only for the free shipping. You can not share any other benefits such as Amazon tv shows or music or unlimited books. For that it has to be the primary account.
We get the free prime shipping through our sons account. He does not see what I buy and I do not see what he buys.
Slight brag alert -
My husband and I were driving home from vacation today. My son has been staying at our house to take care of cats/give shots to our diabetic cat, which we really appreciate.
He called and said “friend and I are getting dinner from (my favorite restaurant). Would you like us to get you something?” Then he said “My treat - you can consider it a Mother’s Day present if you’d like.”
I thought it was very thoughtful of him to even think about including us, especially since he’s doing us a huge favor. I did let him pay, too.
He knew ice cream was on sale, and he went to get some last night. He called and asked me what kind I wanted. I told him he could take a $20 out of our stash, but he paid for that too.
Normally we parents pay for just about everything, but it is nice when they are thoughtful.
I have lived away from my family for 27 years. With my in-laws and family we might go out to dinner once a year as a group and never just with my wife’s folks. Instead we are a family that has meals at home for occasions. Thankfully MIL is Italian and the food is always good. We do have to be careful with what one sister-in-law brings. You put sugar on garlic bread once and you will never live it down in my family.
I have been extremely lucky having a mom, mother-in-law and wife that all can cook very well. I am not a fan of restaurants as I just see them as overpriced and the food not as good. Whoever ends up with my two daughters are going to be extremely lucky as cooking runs in the family.
This is such an interesting thread. My mom usually still pays for the family when we go out. And we do the same.
Here’s a situation …
Ds1 has married a wonderful woman with a wonderful, small family that comes from a little money. Not Rockefellers, but there’s a trust involved that certainly makes life easier for them. We … don’t have a trust, and our family is much larger. One thing that is starting to make me a little self-conscious is that when we visit the kids we fully expect to stay with them as there is enough room. Her family gets a fancy Airbnb. If I am going to see the kids, I want to see the kids, not the inside of a hotel room. And we already are paying for air fare, meals out, etc. We can’t afford lodging as well. Thankfully, the kids are moving and closing on a house next week that is plenty huge for all of us. I just don’t want ds to expect us to live up to his in-laws’ standards. I would never have put my parents in a hotel (or let them get a hotel) even if our house was crowded. Thoughts about that?
I would LOVE it if my in-laws were considerate enough to stay in a hotel. We have plenty of room for bodies but not enough for the attitude.
Both of my parents live fairly close to us now, so this doesn’t come up. However, they’ve been divorced since I was 19 so, when they lived across the country from us, they’d visit singly and were no trouble to house. Staying in a hotel just wouldn’t make sense.
Anyone who prefers a hotel to staying with us can do so with no judgement from me.
OTOH, I won’t stay in a crowded house. We always opt for a hotel if we aren’t able to have a private bed and bath. I won’t share a bathroom.
I find this visits go a lot better with my in-laws when they are in a hotel.
We usually pay for their hotel when they are here, but it is never fancy. We usually get them a room at either the Marriott Courtyard or the Springhill Suites. It’s worth every penny to have time to recharge at night and have a cup of coffee before the morning. I’m a much better DIL this way.
My own parents live close enough that it isn’t a concern.
I mentioned the size of the families because I think that comes into play. We are used to lots of people at the holidays, for instance. I think our DIL actually likes that about our family – lots of grandkids and cousins and people Christmas morning, for instance. Her mom is an only, and her mom’s mom was an only. Maybe needing her own space is more important. I really adore her family so it doesn’t hurt my feelings, but I don’t want to have to try to keep up with the Joneses.
It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and she enjoys the large family activities. Don’t compare your relationship with them to the relationship they have with her parents. They might be introverts who need that recharge time, which is the perspective that I see this from. If you are all good to go, then enjoy your visits in their home!
On the other hand, if she has a trust and they are living comfortably, they can always offer to put you up in a hotel. I would hope she would communicate this if it is her preference.
For our situation, I see it as a shared vacation. My in-laws pay for airfare, we pay for their hotel. It only seems fair since we both enjoy the visit.
This was a big issue for me when I was a young married. My H’s family, significantly wealthier and bigger than my family, still felt that they should all pile into our house when they came to visit. They felt we were being rude if we didn’t accommodate them. This included when we had a temporary apartment with no room for anyone. My inlaws would choose not to come at all over staying in a hotel, and it had zero to do with $. My parents were fine getting a hotel room.
I vividly recall one xmas when my D was a toddler and my inlaws invited themselves along with my sil/bil, and my H’s aunts to spend a week at a house we had just moved into. We had nowhere near enough room for everyone and I was expected to cook and entertain everyone. I remember crying on the floor of my walk in closet I was so overwhelmed and stressed. No one lifted a finger to help and I had people sleeping everywhere.
I got better at setting limits after that but it was always a push around the holidays. It also went the other way where they would expect everyone to stay at their house even when there were no rooms/beds to host. I’m sure my mil went to her grave thinking I was ridiculous for paying for a hotel room and not sleeping on her floor.
@Youdon_tsay - we have ALWAYS stayed with the in-laws and they with us. Except one time after fil died and mil and ds visited at the same time when we were in a 2 BR/2 BA condo with 935 sq ft. Then we put her up at a hotel and paid for it. I digress. It has ALWAYS been that way, and I honestly wish it had not been so. I understand wanting to see your family/people, but I wish that precedent had never been set. You don’t see them while sleeping, and sometimes facing them first thing in the morning is just too much. As @loveorangecats commented, I would have FAR preferred to have stayed in a hotel when visiting my in-laws and having a place to retreat for the evening and start my day with a cup of coffee without their presence. Their staying with me bugged me less than our staying with them, but I would have happily paid for them to have stayed elsewhere for the same reasons - some space and time alone. But that would have never happened with dh’s parents - even if we had paid. It would have been incredibly offensive to them to have been put up somewhere - even if it were lovely and even if we paid. Likewise, they would have been offended had we not stayed with them.
Also (and I am only speaking for myself) while I am a true extrovert, I am also an only and mil’s large, extended family completely overwhelms me. Fortunately, their gatherings have always been day/afternoon events and have never involved many people all sleeping under the same roof. Even just the day/afternoons can be too much for me. The noise, the everyone talking over each other, the tightness of space crammed around tables to eat. It just drives me nuts. So, maybe your dil loves it, and maybe she is just being polite. Something to think about.
@momofboiler1 - I, too, would have been a puddle on the floor if I had had to contend with that. I’m glad you developed some better boundaries. I cannot understand why grown adults want to all pile into the same space just for the sake of “togetherness.” It always reminds me of the movie, “Christmas Vacation.” It is one thing if one cannot afford to stay elsewhere or if people truly enjoy that, but I don’t blame you one iota for not wanting to sleep on the floor. You were not ridiculous at all.
@gpo613 - I love to cook, and I enjoy meals at home for occasions as well. But if multiple people come and stay with you for a week, that is a lot of meals to fix without ever having a break. It’s easy if you are on the receiving end of said meal preparation.
@deb022 - I’m thrilled my ds is just now starting to have an interest in cooking!
If your son grew up with his grandparents staying in the house with you when they visited, it’s likely that is his expectation for you.
My grandparents always stayed with us when they visited. In my family, it would be rude if you invited people to come but expected them to find a hotel (we also don’t have hotels closer than 20min). Every family has its own culture, though—this is just the way it is in mine.
My in-laws are very well off and never stay with their children when visiting. I couldn’t believe it when our first child was born and they came, but stayed in a hotel. I felt bad for them that they missed out on a lot of great time with her (and us). But they like their own space and do not like my cooking, which doesn’t bother me because I hate cooking under pressure anyway.
We just have two different paradigms. My parents stay in our house when they visit, and DH’s don’t. Everyone’s happy, and the kids never thought twice about it.
What is apparent is that yes, so many differences in terms of what is expected, what is preferred, what is discussed, etc.
Thus, multiple opportunities for hurt feelings Bc expectations, needs and preferences all vary!
So, clearly there is no right or wrong. But rather, hopefully, preferences can be discussed and hurt feelings minimized.
For me, I am big on having personal space. I am not one to share bathrooms with anyone besides hubby and the older I get the more I need to recharge when interacting with others, especially multiple family members we’ve not seen recently. It’s literally sensory overload for me. Thankfully, my MIL totally understands this need and in fact, has similar needs. So we have found ways to be respectful yet maintain some space: but…others in my family see me as a bit too off Standish and likely think I’m selfish. Maybe I am. I just know I can’t function nor enjoy time with others, especially if it’s been more than 3 hours, if I don’t have my own quiet time to recharge and rest. And if I don’t get time to recharge, then I’m just not pleasant or fully present. Bc I’m emotionally burned out.
They’re all gone now but my parents always stayed at a B&B (not AirB&B, this was a long time ago) when visiting us. Their choice, they had no interest in staying at a house that did not meet my mother’s standards (that would be my house.) Actually it worked out great although there was that one night I had to drive them back to the B&B because they had had too much fun showing my friend Sue how to make the perfect martini. My mother-in-law OTOH loved to stay with us and was incredibly disruptive. Well, as I say, they’re all gone now. My own daughter and son-in-law live one mile away so no overnight visits are necessary.
