Who pays? How have you transitioned who pays for things with your adult children?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
81

@123Mom123 - sounds like me. When we visit MIL or D and SIL, we get a hotel room. I agree with not sharing a bathroom (except with H) and having my own space.

I’m not sure anyone wants me staying over at their house anyway. These days I get up multiple times during the night, need space for my stuff, and I like to adjust the room temp way down. I’m likely doing everyone a favor!

I find that even when we stay at a hotel, we have plenty of time to see each other. We give our hosts some time to be alone and recharge, too.

5 Likes
82

I am flexible. I’m happy to stay at someone’s home and I’m happy to stay at a hotel.

My bil owns a large vacation home. That was fun especially when the kids were with us. Large enough for everyone to have a bed and being together with grandparents, parents and kids was fun!

When we visit the in laws and my mom, we stay at their home and vice versa. When we stay at our sons we stay there. He does not have any hotels close and they have enough room. But when we go to our daughter’s, we either stay in a hotel or stay in her home while she went to her boyfriend’s apartment. They live together so the last time we went, we stayed in a hotel and I enjoy that also.

My daughter doesn’t do that well with visitors so we respect that and stay in a hotel.

2 Likes
83

I can go either way. I probably prefer a hotel, because I like down time, but staying in a house is ok as long as there are enough bedrooms and especially bathrooms. We know of a family that packs 7 large adults and now a baby into a two bedroom condo at the beach. If that isn’t bad enough, it has ONE bathroom. Just no. (blank) no… 4 adults per toilet is pushing it for me.

4 Likes
84

7 adults and babies into a small condo on the beach gives me PTSD to the time our family strong armed us into joining them at a beach house - three families, 4 children under the age of 6, multiple food allergies, different eating/sleeping schedules, and way different parenting styles…and no A/C. I vividly remember waking up at 2 am to the cousin playing kickball because their kids had “too much energy” and wouldn’t go to sleep. House wasn’t on the beach…just near the beach…and I think we only go there once the entire time. Guess who has never done that again ; )

Those “trips” always felt like family obligations, not vacations.

3 Likes
85

When people visit us, we treat. That includes our kids…but usually when they visit, we are eating at home. One kid loves to cook and we love having him cook. The other hosts picnic at her house and we just bring something to contribute.

Now…my MIL…a whole other story. We are going to visit her for the first time in a year and a half. The request was made that I make dinner and schlep it the 6 hour drive because “they really love it when I make dinner”. I would rather order out or something, but that’s not the expectation!

Re: other expenses …our kids pay their own bills. If someone needed money, we would help them out. One kid is still on our cell plan. She will be getting a reduced cost through her employer so will be moving off soon. The other kid has had his own service since he graduated from grad school.

86

We always stay in MIL’s condo when we visit her at home. She has two spare bedrooms upstairs and a separate bathroom. Really plenty of room and she would be hurt if we didn’t stay with her. Occasionally she has stayed with us here at our house, but it is not as comfortable of an arrangement so sometimes she gets a hotel. I haven’t stayed with other family in awhile, but have stayed in their house (my sister), but would also be totally open to staying in a hotel. I am an introvert and like my own space.

If my kids leave the area (think one might stick around) I’m sure they would stay at our house rather than getting a hotel unless they have 8 kids or something unlikely. (Not sure either one of them wants kids.)

87

I recently had a faraway DD and baby come visit, I made her stay, most of the nights, at her sister’s house. She historically has stayed with us, because her DH really likes to stay with us, I think sister’s toddlers are a bit loud for him (Ha! He will learn with his kids as they age.)
I realized, it was fantastic to have her stay with her sister, not only did the cousins get more time together, but also she got more sister time and I got down time. When all the adult kids and their kids are here, I get tired of being up/on plus planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, cleaning all the meals is tiring. My DH does well with a bit of down time, too, even with our own kids.
Historically, with uni and then living faraway/transitions/etc., we have had adult kids home for 1-6 weeks at a time over the decades and are accustomed to a houseful.

6 Likes
88

I was always the mom who would offer money or send my kid with money to pay for stuff. The families usually said no, but I think it’s nice to offer. Or sometimes I’d give the hosting parents money to buy ice cream on the outing or if my kids were sleeping over I’d ask if my kids could bring anything or if I could pay for bagels in the morning…
As for paying for adult children, it really depends on the family and the situation. In our family, when our kids are self supporting we still do treat them to dinner now and then. D is self supporting and pays for all her own stuff. We do treat her now and then. S is still in college so he is still being supported by us. Though he his responsible for extras like entertainment and extra trips (ex: spring break trips that are not back home or not school related).
That said, we did pay for D to fly with us to her uncle’s funeral and we paid for both kids to go to their grandfather’s 90th birthday celebration. We’ll often pay for them to attend family events/obligations, like funerals, weddings, major events. visiting elderly relatives who may not be around for much longer…
As for vacations, our kids are at that stage where they want to do their own thing and H and I want to take more trips just the two of us, so that’s how that goes. We and they don’t mind and D and S like to house and pet sit while we’re gone. Works out well! Plus, D sees us a lot anyway, so it’s not like vacation time would be the only time we spend time together. And we did a ton of family trips just the four of us when the kids were younger!

As for our parents and extended family. Well neither H or I vacationed with our parents after college. I don’t know anyone our age who did, was it common back then? And H’s parents and family live near us, so why vacation together, when we see each other a lot? Plus we also have different schedules, favorite styles of travel and my SIL doesn’t really like to travel…so. That said H has gone camping with his brothers a lot. H’s parents would treat us all to dinner almost every week and stuff. And they paid for a moving van when each kid moved into their first house.
It was more or less the same with my parents. Though they sometimes treated us to more stuff because they had the money to do so. I think it al depends on the family and dynamic.

89

Whenever I’ve stayed with family, I always offer to help. And they do the same. My parents usually stayed with us, except that one time D got the stomach flu the day they were due to arrive and they would’ve had to share a bathroom with her. So, they stayed at a hotel. Sometimes if my parents and sister came at the same time, one group would stay at hotel because we just can’t accommodate that many people.
That said, it is nice to have the space and I’m an introvert so group vacations or having a lot of people staying over can be trying for me.

I don’t expect my kids to treat me…sure, they buy me gifts for birthday, Christmas, mother’s day. And they may treat to an dessert or something when we’re out and about. I do have a friend whose son took his dad on a golf vacation to Florida and a friend whose daughter took her to Sweden to see the village where her ancestors lived. In the second case, the mom wasn’t made of money and the daughter had a ton of money.

90

No doubt mine did as well. H comes from a large family and all but one of his siblings would squeeze into the old family home for visits, no matter how many were there. The first time H and I visited, we slept on ancient camp cots, four to a bedroom. One son-in-law refused to stay at the house and was considered odd. We became friends and commiserated over what we’d gotten ourselves into.

3 Likes
91

I have a question for those of you from a parents perspective.

How do you handle family vacation time when the kids are adults and have significant others?

My daughter has had various boyfriends over the years and idk if it’s the men she’s dated or what. But they have all been much more comfortable financially than we have. But all have had these expectations that the “kids” vacation with them.

Her current boyfriend my daughter has been with for close to 3 years now. I understand there has been a pandemic. And the boyfriend has been in residency/fellowship so not a lot of free time. I put that there because he has been really busy and my husband and I have been understanding. I mean there’s no choice.

He has never been to our home state, he has never met my son and dil as he has had to work. We have been in a pandemic and so last year we only saw our kids once and did not see them over the holidays.

His parents have had the couple for thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Fourth of July, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. You name it every holiday for the past 2 years.

Now they are pressuring my daughter and the boyfriend to join them at the beach house they’ve rented this summer. So far they are resisting. The dog isn’t allowed, my daughter is starting a new job, they are moving. The kids want to take their own vacation before the boyfriend starts his new job.

But I wonder, do his parents ever wonder about the fact that my husband and I have met their son 2 times for 3 days total? In 3 years. And he’s never been to our home, or even met my daughter’s sibling.

I understand that parents want their kids to join them on vacation. But how do your kids juggle both the parents and their own vacations? My kids have very limited vacation time as they have jobs that aren’t that flexible.

Maybe I should have put this in the get it off your chest? But getting time with my adult children (who live far away) is harder than who pays

The boyfriend’s parents live an hour away, we live 800 miles away. I didn’t think it would be close and that because of distance we would have less time with our daughter and her SO. I understand that but sometimes I feel that my daughter’s SO parents get all the days.

1 Like
92

Isn’t that just the same kind of thing that married couples deal with as far as which parents/in-laws to see for holidays? We used to go see my in-laws for Thanksgiving and go see my parents for Christmas when they were alive. Are you inviting your daughter and her boyfriend to your celebrations? To me it seems nice that his parents are inviting them to all of these occasions, but they don’t have to accept the invitations. If you want to see your daughter more I would definitely make that clear to her and extend an invitation early before they make plans with the boyfriend’s parents and, sure, offer to pay for plane tickets if they are 800 miles away.

2 Likes
93

For the early part of our marriage we lived in the adjacent town as my inlaws. We naturally saw them much more frequently because they were a 10 minute drive vs the 6 hours for my family. Then for nearly 15 years my parents lived near us and we saw them more regularly.

That said, we always tried to be equitable for holidays, whether that was us going to the parents’ house or having them come to us if we didn’t have the vacation time. Personally I’d talk to your D about the holidays and how you are feeling. If they don’t have the vacation time to come 800 miles home, can you go to them?

94

Of course I ask my daughter to visit. Of course I ask my daughter to bring her boyfriend to come.

It’s kinda hard to travel 800 miles when the kid has no vacation time. Of course we like to go there. It’s 800 miles.

Never mind.

95

Deb, I sincerely feel your pain and relate. I won’t go into details, but my DIL’s parents Are visiting the kids now, for 2-3 weeks. Where are they staying? How are the kids handling work? They mention me coming out, and looking for a local hotel. So, I’m debating 2 or 3 nights. Will every vacation be with her parents? I suspect so. It’s hard.

96

Just another perspective to consider: sometimes it’s easier to “blame” others (eg the inlaws) than it is to recognize that the adult S or D has the ability to speak up and say “Time for a visit to my parents”. If s/he is not doing that then either assertiveness issues exist in the relationship, or the S/D are also choosing to “blame” the inlaws (for inviting them often, etc.) Bc it’s “easier” than saying, “this is our preference”.

Not saying this to be mean. But rather as encouragement to find out what’s really going on. Bc adults choose where and who they see. They make excuses for things they don’t want to do/see.

This all reminds me of another thread in CC (my brain forgets which!) where parents differed in what house rules they had when DIL’s, SILs, bf/Gf’s visit (like where do people sleep, together or not, etc).

So sometimes it’s pushing back a bit to find out, “What do we need to do to see you? What would be helpful to make that more likely to happen?”

Just my humbled .02.

(Edited to add: Many years before my parents moved to same town as us, I used to prefer going to my inlaws house Bc it was novel area, experiences, food, everything. Once I realized I was hurting my parents’ feelings, especially my mom (she showed me a calendar with the last day I had seen them circled in red) I started paying more attention to having more equitable visits between my parents and my inlaws. I honestly didn’t realize how hurt she was.Maybe I was clueless/selfish. But the red circled calendar woke me up!!

4 Likes
97

I’m sorry my response wasn’t helpful and I hope it didn’t come across as insensitive.

What would your ideal look like?

98

My daughter has been fully vaccinated since Thursday. She started a new job 2 weeks ago and is moving to a new city in 2 weeks.

What I wonder about? I am very understanding. I am very understanding that my son and dil have another set of parents that they need to spend time with. That my son and dil also have their own needs.

I wonder because i don’t expect my adult children to spend their vacation with me because they have other obligations.

My daughter has said no. And no again. But every single time they see his parents, this vacation is brought up. There is pressure.

I guess I’m wondering if the posters here take the other parents in their children’s lives into account?

I guess it’s like paying. It’s about boundaries and respect. For all the people in the equation.

3 Likes
99

I totally get what you are saying. One of my sons is dating a woman from an east coast city- they live in the city here near us and we are the parents who get to see them more- I have said to her a few times I feel so bad for your parents- we get to see you all the time- mostly the last year she’s not seen her parents but she and my son are going to spend 2 weeks with them at their vacation home and even though I’ve never met the parents I’m so happy they will have this time with them. I’m happy my son is with such a lovely person with parents that he seems to really like as well. ( has met a couple times).
And if it means this year he travels to see them more that’s fine with me. I know this doesn’t offer any solution for you but I have thought about this quite a bit.

3 Likes
100

I’m sorry your daughter is getting so much pressure. I hope her boyfriend stands up to his parents because they’ll have a rocky road otherwise.

I’m with you that I would never expect my D to spend her limited vacation time with us and shame on his parents for doing that to them, especially since they see them so often. That’s just BS.

I hope their new city is further away from his parents?